Narrator: You might ask yourself why things like this could happen. Are we, the public to blame? Is it our sadistic lust for watching these giants fall and crumble that pressures them into their ultimare downfall? And finally, why do we as the media choose to report all of this to you? The answer is simple: because there is not a single thing happening in this world right now that's more important than the personal lives of celebrities.
(Smash cut to Discord humping Wolflor with now an army of R-Dash 5000s destroying Ponyville.)
Narrator: So uhhh...what are your rates?
Pinkie Pie: 10 for a tuggie, 20 for a blowie, and 25 if the cameraman watches.
Pinkie: Hang on... there's this stupid bitch staring at me... *beat* Oh wait, that's me I'm lookin' in a mirror.
Hang on, Spike, I gotta go talk to this mirror, I'll call you back *hangs up*.
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, I told you with was an intervention? Where is everypony?
Spike: Applejack's in a coma, Rarity's being held captive by the Mexicans, Fluttershy's in the nuthouse and Rainbow Dash is dead. (gets a shit-eating grin) Any more questions, smartass?