- The Yahoo Answers (or Yahoos). Pretty much all of them, primarily due to Griffin's overenthusiastic readings (and the way he overtly pronounces every spelling or grammatical mistake).
- Early on in the podcast run, Griffin used to record jingles for products and services and other shows that paid to advertise with them. One in Episode 47, meant for a website design service called Media Lab, loses the plot very quickly.
Griffin: (singing) I made a photoshop with me/and my best friend, Michael Jordan/actually, it was me and Michael Jordan and the cast of Space Jam/it was called "Me and Space Jam"Griffin: I gotta do another verse! Didn't even mention a thing!Griffin: (singing) I took "Me and Space Jam"/and I turned it into a website/using Media Lab's Site Grinder technology/you can visit it, visit it, visit it/at griffinspacejam.com
- Bonus points: griffinspacejam.com was an active website for quite some time.
- The Yahoo in which the brothers try to think of names for a chinchilla breeding business. It does not go well.
Griffin: Chin Deep Exotics? Oh, that's not good.
- A listener in Episode 88 asks what to do for a gay friend's bachelor party "with a 50/50 split between gays and straights, with some lesbians thrown in for color". After first suggesting they cater to everyone and offer "a Caligulan miasma of genital delights", the brothers imagine the sort of cake that might be made for this party. In Cake Boss voices. It goes off the rails very quickly and devolves into about thirty seconds of nothing but the brothers unable to recover from laughing fits.
Justin: This cake's made of sand, and also I'm a ghost!
- Bonus points for Griffin barely being able to emit the words "Cake Boss" in the middle of his laughing.
- "WAIT A MINUTE! Stop the world, I want to get off! Did you just say 'sow your seed in a field of pussies!?'"
- In Episode 124, "This Is Our Rumours", a listener question about the asker's pregnant wife eating 18 bagel bites for lunch leads the brothers to discuss the song "I Don't Call Him Daddy", sugar gliders, and Alvin and the Chipmunks' fourth brother. The following Yahoo, a question about eating too much oatmeal, keeps them on the same free-association track for a while on the subjects of Man Vs. Food, Coco Wheats, and "I Don't Call Him Daddy" again.
- The brothers' attempt to make a completely PG advertisement for Extreme Restraints, an online BDSM sex shop, results in product descriptions such as "a juicer for really skinny cucumbers" and "is your kids' Harry Potter pretending not upsetting enough? Have I got a wand for you!"
- Griffin's first song ad for Extreme Restraints advertises "an electroshock paddle that goes on your balls", "a ghost you can fuck every night", "a sexual fish tank", and "all the good chicken pot pie recipes on the forums".
- The Legend of Tit Liquid is born!
- Griffin's rage at Justin's attempt to deny that he lives on island time a lot more often than he admits:
Griffin: I have Spotify right here on my computer. Do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? 'Cause I got your history right here in the sidebar; "Take It Back" by Jimmy Buffett; "Nautical Wheelers" by Jimmy Buffett; "Jolly Mon Sing" by Jimmy Buffett. "Steamer" by Jimmy Buffett! "Treat Her Like A Lady" by Jimmy Buffett! "Mañana" by Jimmy Buffett! "When Salome Plays The Drum" by James Buffett! "Havana Daydreaming" by Jimmy Buffett. What the fuck happened to you? Are you HAUNTED? Are you fucking POSSESSED? YOU USED TO BE MY BROTHER!Justin: (through tears of laughter) I had a case of the Mondays!
- Glass Shark, which takes childhood anxiety, a faux Cajun agent, and Justin's improv skills and turns them alchemy-like into 90 amazing seconds of comedy.
Justin: Glass shark, he luf da fat kid.
- Justin tries to cap off the Anxiety-Free Cruise with a soothing rendition of Jimmy Buffett's "Boat Drinks", which Griffin and Travis spend the whole time ruining by singing other songs, trying to turn the song into a round, and just yelling, among other things. At one point Justin gets annoyed enough to take off his headphones, which Griffin and Travis delightedly realize means they can say anything they want.
Griffin: Hey everybody, Jimmy Buffett sucks!Travis: Justin is piloted by fart sperm!
Griffin: My anxiety is through the fucking roof right now.
- At the end of the song:
- OOH MOMMY! (The Daniel Taste™)
- Griffin describes an awkward sandwich shop via roleplaying, with him as the sandwich shop employee and Justin as him (23 min into Ep 302). Justin ruins the bit by playing Griffin as a socially awkward dweeb with a weird voice, so Travis volunteers to step in and play Griffin instead:
Griffin: [as sandwich shop employee] Hey man, how was your weekend?Travis: [in an even more ridiculous voice than Justin] POKÉMON!Griffin: Alright, fuck you guys!
- "FURRIES CAN DO INFINITE CRIME!"
- Justin's impromptu Austin Powers impression. Or rather, Austin Powers-having-a-stroke impression.
Griffin: (through laughter) Can I share the top answer? The top answer from Yahoo Answers user Rock Titan says: (long pause) "...It's April."Everyone loses it.
- The question prompting such: "What themed party can I have for Halloween? I want to attract lots of lovely ladies! Oh behave!"
- And the top answer to the question:
- Every one of Travis's Sad Libs (and how angry they make the other brothers).
Travis: I wrote a little something...Griffin: FUCK!
- Episode 242 is entitled "At the Mouth of Mango", and the reason for that is a spiral of madness that has to be heard to be believed. To recap: the brothers encounter an already-strange Yahoo asking "What are some sexy foods?"; this already triggers some goofs, but the real hilarity comes when Griffin discovers a truly bizarre response which apparently involves the user- Spanky Gazpacho DW- being sexually attracted to mangos. They go a little deeper and discover that Spanky Gazpacho also answered another question (asking whether anyone on the site knew someone nicknamed "Gazpacho"), which somehow also comes back around to the mango obsession. This leads Travis to go on a truly bizarre tangent in which he basically establishes a "bonkers religion" around Gazpacho and Mango; the other two brothers are audibly disturbed by this, with Justin claiming Travis has turned this episode into The Ring and Griffin claiming that they have tapped into some sort of Lovecraftian horror that doesn't belong in this world. Travis's totally calm demeanor during the whole thing is what really sells it.
- Episode 287 has a bit that starts with discussion of Bob Ross and somehow turns into the brothers trying to get computer voices to say silly things. Justin wins the day by getting HIS voice to say "Premium. Fuck. Boy."
- Bonus points for Travis's "Yaaaay!"
- Episode 304 contains potentially "the meanest thing anybody's ever done on this show": the infamous "Coldplay Cry Baby" message.
Griffin: This is SO FUCKING SAVAGE!
- The short version: A listener, Rishi, used the Jumbotron service to publicly air their best friend Avital's embarrassing LiveJournal entry about having a quasi-religious experience at a Coldplay show many years prior.
- The saga even continues. In Episode 307, a live show in which both Avital and Rishi were in attendance, the brothers access the entire LiveJournal entry live on stage, and have friend of the show John Hodgman dramatically read out the entire thing.
- To round things out, in episode 356, Rishi sends another message to the show announcing the launch of a new website, Coldplay Crybaby, which contains a recreation of the entire LiveJournal entry.
- As the podcast has gone on, listener questions have gotten more and more bizarre and hilarious. Case in point: episode 347, where none of the brothers are able to handle "Idiot can't even make his own pancakes. How pathetic."
- Early in Episode 345, the Candlenights episode recorded for the season finale of the brothers' TV show, a very embarrassed Griffin claims he's having the worst day of his life, and admits to causing some unfortunate trouble for Steve Williams, the Huntington mayor (featured in the TV show):
Griffin: I bumped...or maybe even nudged...it was kind of a kiss...this is not a joke, I kissed, with my car, the car that belongs to the mayor of Huntington.Justin: And when Griffin says HIS car, he does in fact mean MY car.
- In Episode 349, Griffin does a bit where he goes on an overly excited rant about the Halo game series. Justin joins in. Travis does not.
Travis: I just play Dragon Age.Griffin: That's not real gamers! Master Chief only! No, Master Chief's the only good game!Griffin: (post tirade) I was just possessed... by the Zuul, of having worked in the games industry for the last decade.
- In Episode 356, "Face 2 Face: My Donut Loving Boys", the brothers are doing their live show in Austin, Texas, and get a question about a wrist injury - and between Griffin being a wiseass and Justin's perfect comedic timing, leads to one of the best self-owns on the show.
Justin: Here’s another question. Oh, I like this question. "I am currently recovering from a wrist injury and have to -Griffin: From jerkin it?Justin: "-wear a brace. ... I often get asked what happened, and almost as often that question is followed up with them -Griffin, realizing too late what's about to happen: OH NO -Justin, smug as hell: "- saying a variation of 'Too much jerking off?' "Audience: (goes wild)Justin: We did it everybody, we did it.Travis: That's our Oscar.Justin: My honey pot has finally paid off.Griffin: Does it really fucking say that in the question?Justin: Yeah. "Peoople think it's funny."Griffin: (collapses laughing and is too embarrassed to talk for several minutes)
- From Episode 361, "Gelsey Krammer", when Justin wanted ideas for license plates, Justin thought of "Mambo No 5." Travis wonders if you could use a hashtag, as this exchange happens:
Justin: If I could get a hashtag man, my Mambo No. 5 license plate would be off the chain. I would've already gotten it.Griffin: Jesus christ, of course, because it stands in for No.. I thought the license plate would be #MAMBONO5...All of them start to laugh.
- SHRIMP! HEAVEN! NOW!
- "Please, Daniel, we can't keep doing this!"
- Episode 372 has a bit where the brothers discuss what to do for an audience member whose library workplace was covered in hot dogs (on hooks, even) and chicken wings as a prank. Griffin suggests that they eat the food in revenge, stating that if he found "warm football food" on a bookshelf in a library, he would eat it. The resulting questioning of this leads them down a strange path.
Griffin: Warm! Football Food! Good to go!Justin: Your body is so broken you shouldn't be eating fucking buffalo wings if Carly Rae Jepsen brings them to you on a silver platter!Griffin: I need to take a pause and program what Justin just said into my brain so I can try and lucid dream that tonight.
- The discussion is prefaced by treating Jokes like a person that they excuse from the room so that they can frankly discuss Griffin's willingness to eat food that's just laying about.
- Made a bit more disgusting by a Reddit comment by a friend of the question asker, revealing that the hot dogs and chicken wings were ALL RAW.
- Episode 373 is a live show that is almost all audience questions. It is truly, as the brothers say, buckwild.
- The very first question they get asked by an audience member? If Travis can confirm their theory that raccoons are the spirits of Civil War soldiers.
- An art conservator in the audience has a question about the proper terminology around the use of a tool they use called a "bonefolder", which leaves all three brothers obsessing over the tool in question and the phrase "bone down hard" for the rest of the show.
- In Episode 376, the same episode in which Lin-Manuel Miranda performs the opening song, Travis is forced by his brothers to admit to doing something the week before recording the show. The brothers build up to Travis's admission by claiming it's the most ear-pleasing nine-word sentence that anyone has ever uttered, and the payoff is worth it:
Travis: I dropped a fidget spinner on my baby's head.
- The special guest star for episode 383? Jimmy Buffett.
- Episode 384 is a live episode in which the brothers use clips from a 45-minute audio post of nothing but Paul Stanley from the band KISS to tell the crowd to listen up. Justin turns this into a soundboard in episode 385, adding clips from the intro of the film The Pest and Griffin's new favorite film clip of a man singing a song entitled "I Put My Hand Inside a Toilet". All three brothers agree that the show is now ruined.
- Episode 388 features a solid ten minutes of the brothers and an audience member absolutely dunking on the audience member's SEVEN PARROTS.
- Episode 398, after Justin discusses why having parents make siblings isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Travis: But Justin, don't you like having brothers?Justin: No, I do. They're very profitable.
- The Episode 400 spectacular is an attempt to record a podcast live from the red (or rather, blue) carpet premiere of Jimmy Buffett's Escape to Margaritaville musical in New York City. This episode is an absolute roller coaster ride of uncomfortable laughs, from everyone's constant anxiety to Justin thinking every handsome man at the premiere is Matt Doyle to the brothers patting themselves on the back every time they successfully talk to a celebrity. However, everything culminates when, as the brothers are about to wrap up, they catch a sighting of Al Roker, spend five minutes discussing how to get his attention, and then immediately get EPICALLY roasted by Roker for having too many microphones and taking too long to get to their question.
Al: The play's over! Gotta go! Glad we could come!Griffin: Well, now it feels silly asking you the question now you've burned us —Al: Oh, now you feel silly! You're holding eighteen microphones and now you feel silly! This is Jimmy Buffett's favorite podcast?!
Justin: Al Roker just made fun of us so bad we can't do a podcast any more!Griffin: When I woke up this morning I was worried that we were gonna do a bad job. What I should have been worried about was the fact that Al Roker was mere hours away from melting my ass in front of everyone.
- The brothers' reactions to getting burned:
- Episode 402 is the brothers' first live show in months, and despite some gloriously funny questions from the audience and Gmail, the crowning moment comes from a Yahoo that wonders what breakfast will be like in the future. Justin starts a joke, but doesn't finish it, so Griffin and Travis build the joke up to be the best thing in the world while Justin laughs in uncomfortable hysterics. Justin finally manages to tell the joke, which is just wondering in future if it'll be possible to eat a GIF of Jif peanut butter.
- In Episode 109, the brothers relate funny stories about their father Clint for Father's Day, which include his cutting his butt open on a window sill and using a maxi-pad for a bandage, passing out after dumping kitty litter and bleach down a sink, and getting hit by a car mirror while carrying a tray of cold cuts. The brothers bring a brand-new story to the table for 402's intro: their dad has made the mistake of brushing his teeth with capsaicin cream.
The TV Show
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"Dorms & Ghoulsmashing"
- Justin warns that "Dorms & Ghoulsmashing" is full of jump scares. They're all clips of him jumping in front of the camera while wearing a goofy cape and saying, "Jump scare!"
- A discussion about a dorm roommate bringing a box of haunted artifacts devolves into a discussion about Toy Story.
Griffin: (cutting off Travis) Hold on. Uh... Stop. Stop the television show. Um... do you think all of the toys in Toy Story are possessed by different ghosts?
- Mac the Turtle
Travis: (after it's informed that Mac the Turtle is not for sale) Say goodbye to Mac, Griffin.Griffin: ...500 dollars.Shop owner: It's not for sale.Griffin: ...600 dollars.
- Justin takes the podcast's "Haunted Doll Watch" segment to a new level by purchasing an actual haunted doll from eBay.
Griffin: What are his hands made of that they make that sound?!Justin: Boooooones!
Justin (in hysterics, with his head in his hands): I hate this fucking show.
- Griffin makes the doll perform some inappropriate hand gestures.
"Resumes & Jamiroquai's Dad"
- Pornography for Birds
- Griffin reveals that he was once fired from a job by Justin's father-in-law because he skipped work to go to Bonnaroo, and the boys spend the rest of the episode competing for that same job.
- Travis and Justin pick out a professional work outfit for Griffin. Justin describes the end result as looking "like a carpet fucked a nerd," among other things.
- Griffin looks like...
Griffin: I like that the carpet was the one that took initiative in that arrangement.Justin: The carpet made the first move. On the nerd.
- a rotisserie shithead
- a very magical pervert
- Jamiroquai's Dad
- a combination of Ebenezer Scrooge and Hugh Hefner
- a magical high-tech pervert
- the ringleader of a pornography circus
- the hype man for a failed 90s hip-hop group with a lot of conflicting stylistic opinions
- the Saint Peter that meets fashion trends in hell
- a magician who doesn't realize why he can't get children's party jobs
- a homeless LED sign salesman
- a pizza sign dancer from a dystopian future where we have LED signs, but not any clothes
- an undertaker for clowns
- he tripped and fell into a Spencer's Gifts
- (and, last but certainly not least) a carpet fucked a nerd
- Griffin looks like...
- "Griffin is hungry for responsibility, horny for teamwork, and ready to BUST A NUT up in this job! Skills include EIGHT-FOOT VERTICAL LEAP, young, dumb, and full of... you know ;). OH SHIT THIS THING HAS OTHER COLORS. Thanks for your time. I love you."
- During the final job interview, Justin reminds Tommy Smirl that he's a breadwinner for their family, and it would be "a real Shame If Something Happened—let me start over, that wasn't how I wanted to phrase it."
- Griffin walks into his interview, exclaims, "Aw shit, who's ready for round two?!", and tries to bribe Tommy with $6.
- Justin attempts to record a radio break for the boys' dad Clint. It doesn't go well.
Clint: So we're going from William Michael Morgan's "I Met a Girl", and you'll have 19 seconds to go into Tim McGraw, "Where the Green Grass Grows."Justin: That was Bill Grounds with "Please—"Clint: (realizing this is a bit) No, no, William Michael Morgan, "I Met a Girl"...Justin: That was Bill Morgan, with "Don't" - "M'Girl" - "I Got a Girl", next up, McGruff...
- The brothers take charge of Safetytown, a model town designed to teach kids about traffic laws. The situation quickly degrades into anarchy, to the point where (and it is stressed this isn't a bit) they get in trouble and have to stop filming there entirely.
- Griffin (driving around in a tiny car, dragging a police baton along the ground): New Duckberg! Come out and PLAAAAY!!
- From the blooper reel:
- Justin: I'm your oldest brother. I brought you into this world, I'll take you out.Travis: You did what?Justin: I didn't smother you in your crib.
"Tarantulas & Travis Did A Hit"
- The brothers' mission is to convince a man's wife to let him get a pet tarantula. To that end, they bring in Mark Berman, an arachnologist, and several spiders.
Justin: Aw, that's such a big spider... hey, I just had an interesting thought.
Justin: Actually, fuck this!
Griffin loses it in the background.
- "YOU yelled - you're the spider guy and you yelled at it!"
- When Mark introduces the brothers to an incredibly poisonous spider.
- The brothers' Tarantula Facebook Page gets hacked.
- "Hey everybody, welcome to the club! Hope you enjoy the experience of simply cybersex blast off into cybersex Joe Biden."
- In a genuinely heartwarming moment at the end of the episode, Travis and Justin apologize to each other for their earlier fight and the three boys all say that they love each other... and then Clint asks if this is just them "selling out".
"Teens & Your Least Favorite Soda"
- The boys try to figure out what teenagers like, but note that everything they come up with will probably be obsolete by the time the show actually airs. The only things they come up with are teachers sitting backwards in chairs, water bottle flipping, dabbing, and bullying Griffin on Tumblr.
- To convince various teenagers to give up their phones in favor of face-to-face communication, Justin takes a group of teens on a nature hike, Travis becomes an inspirational art teacher-slash-mentor, and Griffin has a kid sacrifice his phone to a demonic box with a picture of a clown on it that he chained up in the middle of the woods. The kid is then apparently eaten by the box and possesses it to return to the high school and seek revenge against the brothers.
"Griffin came up with the Clown Box. He said to us before the episode "I want a clown box" and then he refused to explain."
- The origin of this sketch is even better, as Travis attests.
- The post-credits advertisement to get teens to drink more water, featuring far more water bottle flips than necessary.
- Griffin's intense dabbing when he finally gets a bottle to land right.
"Secret Societies & Apologies to Nathan"
- As Griffin looks for secret maps inside a biography of Barbara Bush, Justin asks if the book has any nudes.
Griffin: That's disgusting.
Griffin: (hiding behind the book, doing a funny voice) 'Sup, fools? It's me, Thomas Jefferson. The Bill of Rights...was...a prank.
- Griffin finds a book with a "video man" in it.
- "Guys, I'm getting smoked out by Sonic the Hedgehog and Benjamin Franklin!"
- The brothers decide to directly ask the mayor about any secret socities that are pulling the strings of Huntington, West Virginia. It goes as well as you think.
- Upon hitting a roadblock, the brothers pause the episode to chew out Nathan.
Justin: (pissed) Hi, "Nathan", it's me, Justin McElroy, the guy whose episode you fucked.Justin: We can't do easy things on our TV show, and you want us to do a hard one?Griffin: This is a ding-dong podcast!
- The brothers decide to leak Nathan's phone number: 1-[blurred out text]-FART-NOW
- Travis calling the actual Knights Templar on the phone. Bonus points for how the boys do their best to stay quiet, until Travis hangs up and everyone screams "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Griffin: (hushed whisper) THIS IS JUST A PHONE NUMBER YOU CAN CALL! THEY KNOW WHERE THE HOLY GRAIL IS AND YOU'RE TALKING TO THEM ON THE PHONE! AND THEIR NUMBER WAS ON GOOGLE!
- The boys review each other's secret society outfits:
Griffin: [to Travis] You look like a businessman with an extremely specific fetish.Travis: [to Griffin] You look like a new character in Candyland that just steals Twizzlers.Justin: [to Griffin] You look like a vaudeville usher who's trying for a management position.Travis: Justin, you look like a Halloween costume to represent farts under a blanket.Griffin: Justin looks like some rye bread that a cape got on.Justin: [to Griffin] You look like if hepatitis was a person.
"Candlenights & Vape Ape"
- There's a Running Gag of the boys writing "legally binding" statements into things that other people read aloud, such as the mayor commenting on Justin's big muscles or declaring them all the new mayors of Huntington. It's used to its greatest effect here when Lin-Manuel Miranda, who narrates the episode, realizes that about 6 pages of his script are just a list of things Griffin is trying to get from him, including his Tony Award.
- In a bit of post-modernism, Justin decides to call up Lin-Manuel Miranda, who is currently narrating the episode, to help draft up the story of Candlenights.
- The last scene is an emotional moment of the brothers all sitting together talking about how much they love each other and how grateful they are for this show and the ability to work together. Justin ends up crying, so Travis and Griffin comfort him by cracking jokes about how tears are "Emmy Juice". It... sort of works:
Justin: I do love you. I don't enjoy you, either of you. As people—I don't like you very much as people.Griffin: That feels like a good place to...Justin: I feel like the credits have all gone past!Travis: I feel like they're going right now.