Griffin: "You can get carried away and think you've only sent four text messages over the course of a week, but oops, it was actually 35. It's like eating corn chips, you know?"
— "Episode 36: Candlenights"
On Corner-Cut Colonoscopy:
Justin: "Good news: I appear to be cancer free. Bad news: I'm never not defecating."
Travis: "I guarantee if you went to any doctor and said, 'I'm thinking about giving myself a self-colonoscopy unless you do it for free,' that doctor would do it for free."
— "Episode 38: The Brain Wife"
Griffin: "I can't remember how I dealt with the pressure of being a teenage dragon."
Travis: "I made a Disney movie out of it."
Griffin: "And it was called How to Deal With the Pressure of Being a Teenage Dragon?"
Travis: "Yeah, it wasn't very popular."
— "Episode 44: Chunk Pump"
Travis: (On sexy numbers) "Now, the important thing is not to fuck anything under 16."
— "Episode 48: Math Blaster"
Justin: "I think if I see a guy in a bolo tie, I know it’s time to party."
— "Episode 51: Real Talk Live: Face 2 Face"
Griffin: "I'm worried about the way you guys look at your bedroom, 'cause for me it's a peaceful place where I can go and energize, like a robot, for my next day of work, and to you is like a sex room."
Justin: "Why do you think that might be?"
Griffin: "Cause I like robots and you guys like sex."
— "Episode 53: Doctor Jamilton"
Griffin: (On Love at First Sight with a pizza girl) "I have built entire marriages out of less information than 'you like pizza' and 'don't like driving to get pizza.' "
— "Episode 65: Lady Zoo"
Griffin: "Can I speak to your manager, Couchsurfing? 'cause I got mouth-fucked while I was unconscious... No stars! I give this house no stars out of five."
— "Episode 67: Borrowed from a Horse"
Justin: "You know what? Boners are beautiful and that's the way of life. Specially when you're in school - just get the boner. I wish I could still get a boner."
— "Episode 78: Fly Me to Heaven, Kid Vid"
Griffin: "I am going to stave off Quetzalcoatl with two glowsticks on the top of a fucking mountain just blasting Skrillex."
— "Episode 86: Get It"
Travis: "Would you be shocked to find that the best ways to find demons is on Yahoo Answers?"
Griffin: "I would be shocked if the best place to find them was literally anywhere else. I think the Yahoo Answers web service are built on a fucking hell mouth"
— "Episode 93: Dax is All"
Justin: "If I get married in prison to a... I believe, I'm not attempting to offend, I believe the nomenclature is 'bitch'. When I get married to a bitch in prison, I...
Travis: "Wait. Justin, you would be the bitch."
— "Episode 100: Reflectionz: A Look Back"
Griffin: "I was just talking about putting your penis in a waffle iron...or maybe a sandwich maker, make a pa-nin-is."
Justin: *explosive laughter*
— "Episode 100: Reflectionz: A Look Back"
Justin: "What are those... things that make your feet like a fish?"
Travis and Griffin: "Flippers?"
Justin: "Thank you..."
— "Episode 109: Flapjack Nickelsack"
Griffin: "My first shot at this was 'Frosty the Sort-Of Homunculus I Made Out of Wet Sand.' "
— "Episode 133: Candlenights the IIIrd"
Justin: "People forget that, like, 'Outside the Bun' encompasses all existence that is not contained within the bun."
— "Episode 240: Teen Google"
Griffin: "Coming soon to Pixar: Coyotes Ate My Dad."
— "Episode 286: Coyotes Ate Our Dad"
Justin: "Your body is so broken you shouldn't be eating fucking buffalo wings if Carly Rae Jepsen brought them to you on a silver platter!"
— "Episode 372: Face 2 Face: Sock-Based Target Crimes"
"Hey everybody, welcome to the club! Hope you enjoy the experience of simply cybersex blast off into cybersex Joe Biden."
— The first post on the "Ranchos" Facebook page.
"We've been hacked!"
— The second post on the "Ranchos" Facebook page.
