Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it. It is poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck. [A UFO crash-lands into said truck] Edgar: (rushes outside to survey the mess)Figures.
Followed by this between Edgar and the Bug:
Bug: Place projectile weapon on the ground. Edgar: You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. Bug: Your proposal is acceptable.
In the recruitment sequence:
Zed: Something funny, Edwards? Edwards: My boy Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir! With honors!" Obviously, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
And then would-be!J pulls the little table in the room towards him. Oh, God, the noise...the NOISE it makes!
"No, Elvis is not dead, he just went home."
Tommy Lee Jones happily driving the car upside down and singing along with Elvis' "The Promised Land." He pays the toll without missing a beat.
After K interrogates Jeebs in the pawnshop, he threatens him with even more bodily harm and leaves. Edwards can only say "Yeah, and, and... I'ma be back to talk about them Rolexes."
In a dark, strobe-lit shooting gallery full of mockup aliens, James Edwards holds his fire, looking around, until finally he lets off one carefully-placed shot - directly between the eyes of a cardboard cutout of a little girl.
Zed: Edwards, what the hell happened?
Zed:(pushes a button a remote and brings forth the headshotted Tiffany) May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed! (By now, Zed is grinning widely) She's about eight years old, those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. (beat) Or do I owe her an apology?
(Zed and the others start filing out)
Edwards: (to another candidate) That was a pretty good shot, though, right?
Which, according to the comics, is the right answer.
Agent K's eagerness to use the neuralizer gets on J's nerves...
Kay: Have a look at this, please...(triggers neuralizer) Jay: (barely able to shield his eyes with his glasses) Would you stop that?! Kay: (annoyed)What? Jay: That thing is gonna give that poor woman brain cancer or something! Kay: Never hurt her before...(he leaves, Jay in tow) Jay: "Never hurt her before"? Kay, how many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman? Kay: A couple. Jay: So you're not worried about any long-term damage? Kay: A little. Jay: Kay, have you ever flashy-thinged me? Kay: No. Jay: I ain't playin', Kay! Have you ever flashy-thinged me before?! Kay: No.
The alien childbirth scene. Jay is getting pummeled all over the car and screaming in the background, and Kay is just chatting calmly with Reggie. It's harder to pay attention to the foreground event, but it's pretty important. The start is particularly hilarious.
Kay:(to Jay, looking at an alien woman in labor) And you, uh, deal with this!
Bonus points for the blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment when Kay goes, "You're doing fine, Jay!" and Jay yells back "Kiss my ass, Kay!" The latter part is a bit harder to hear but it's so worth it once you catch it.
Kay: (cues up Wall of Weapons and grabs a powerful looking blaster) Series-4 Deatomizer. Jay: (expectantly) Now that's what I'm talking about— Kay: (hands Jay a very tiny pea-shooter) The Noisy Cricket. Jay: (gawking as he receives his weapon) Kay...hey, man! You get a series-4 deatomizer and I get this little midget cricket?! Kay: (panics and pushes Jay's hand away as he almost points it at him) Jay: I feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing!
The scene in the first movie where Jay accidentally releases the alien super ball that caused the 1977 New York blackout in MIB HQ.
"That was a practical joke from the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell."
The message that threatens to destroy the Earth if the Galaxy isn't returned. Not the message itself, but more of how they end it.
"Return the Galaxy to us or Earth will be destroyed. Sorry"
While James Edwards is being questioned.
Police Inspector: Why didn't the other officers see either of these events. Edwards: Well sir, most of the officers are a bit soggy around the midsection, which is why they were unable to catch up. NYPD Sergeant: Edwards, if you were half the man I am... Edwards:(stares at the cop's stomach) What are you talking about? I am half the man you are!
Laurel trying to discreetly tell J that Bug!Edgar is hiding under a gurney with a gun pointed at her. J thinks she's flirting. Even Bug!Edgar rolls his eyes at the situation.
"HEY. OLD GUYS."
During J's introduction into the M.I.B, he's shown a screen of aliens disguised as humans under supervision. Recounting that he always thought one of his grade-school teachers was an alien. He's just talking in jest of course...then K reveals she was an alien. His reaction as they bring up her camera is priceless.
Men in Black II
From the second film, K shoots Jeebs's head off.
J: (smiling) You're back.
J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
K: (confused) It grows back?
Later, during a tense fight:
Jeebs: Oh, great. Right in the pie hole. Now nothing's gonna taste right.
Jay's and Kay's exchange on the inflatable "auto-pilot" of their vehicle.
Kay: Does that come standard?
Jay: Actually it came with a black dude but he kept getting pulled over.
The scene at the start of the second film where Serleena devours a manwhole zigzags between being funny and being Nightmare Fuel. On the funny side, it comes out of absolutely nowhere — the would-be rapist literally appeared two seconds after she assumed her human form — and Serleena's hot Victoria's Secret model body with a Balloon Belly is just bizarre. The nonchalant way she studies the picture again, concludes the belly has to go, and then walks back behind the bushes to vomit before walking off on her mission with her assailant's clothes is also funny. The nightmare fuel comes when it kicks in that you just saw some random person be eaten, digested and regurgitated, with all the casualness of a New Yorker eating a hotdog.
The mind wiped Kay follows in Jay's footsteps from the first film and is utterly bewildered by MIB HQ. Much like Jay, he curiously pokes at a small floating sphere. While Jay poked a super bouncy ball of chaos, Kay happens to have stumbled upon a tiny planet. Presumably they're okay, though.
Jay: (Grumbling under his breath) Old, busted hotness...
After J defeats Jarra, he finds himself in a pile of plastic tubes... which he awkwardly tries to flop out of as the launch timer is counting down.
After J neuralyzes the commuters on the half-eaten subway train he just saved:
J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been a real emergency, y'all would have been eaten. Cuz ya' don't listen. How's a man gonna come crashing through the back of a subway window- that's the problem with y'all New Yorkers. "Oh, no, we've seen it all. Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us, Mr. black man!". I ask you nicely to move to the next car, and you just sit there like...
(neuralyzes them again)
J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully, you've all enjoyed our smaller, more energy efficient subway cars. Watch your step. Have a nice day.
(neuralyzes the train conductor as he walks past, without even bothering to give him a new memory)
Even funnier when you consider J's attitude towards repeated neuralyzations in the first film.
The mailroom scene—both the multi-armed, smoking mail sorter and Will Smith beatboxing with Biz Markie.
Also, Jay's surprise that "Kay" was short for Kevin, as in Kevin Brown.
Jay: You don't remember me, but we used to work together...
Kevin Brown: I never worked in a funeral home.
The introduction to the aliens living in the locker:
Aliens: Kay is back! The keeper of the light! (chanting) All hail K! All hail K! (singing to the tune of "The Star-Spangled Banner") Oh Kay, can you see, by the dawn's early light...
When Kay removes his old watch, the aliens are upset until Jay gives his own watch.
Jay: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...
Men in Black III
From the trailer for the third film:
Jay: I'm looking for Kay. Have you seen him? Sort of a surly, older gentleman. He smiles like this.
(Puts on the most serious face he can)
Agent J drops a very sly Chappelle's Show reference into 1969. When J was confronted about how he knew Agents O and K, he tried a lame excuse to say that he referred to couples as "Okkaayyy!!" Also counts as Hilarious in Hindsight even if it was unintentional.
Most every scene with Griffin, since being able to continuously see several dozen possible futures makes him a Cloud Cuckoo Lander, is funny, awesome, or both. Especially his Brick Joke at the end of the film, "that was a close one".
Agent O's eulogy at Zed's funeral, where she proceeds to paraphrase something an alien said about him... in the same language of the original quote.
When the camera cuts to the assembled agents, everyone is looking somber, or even touched... except J, whose reaction is confusion-induced hilarity.
K's eulogy for Zed, which K assured J would be wonderful, is two sentences long. And one of them is about how Zed once invited him to dinner and he declined. That's it. Similar reactions to O's speech can be seen.
J: K, if I go first, make sure you say something more about me than that.
When J, filled with righteous anger, neuralises a pair of racist cops:
J: AND JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE A BLACK MAN DRIVING A NICE CAR, DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT IS STOLEN!
J: ...Well, I stole this one. BUT NOT BECAUSE I'M BLACK.
Another gem a bit earlier, after the cops ask where J got the car and suit:
J: (casually) Well, I got the car from (indicates one cop)your mother, and the suit from (indicates the other cop) your grandmother.
(cut to the cops shoving J against the car to pat him down)
And when they find his gun, they wonder what it is. J simply says he doesn't know because it's the cop's grandmother's suit.
When J first meets young K.
J: Kay!!! (Moves to hug him)
K: (Promptly tasers J)
After time has been altered, J is back in MIB HQ and asks O about what's been happening. O says that there are two possibilities about it, the first being a long winded explanation about a dangerous alien tick that could kill J...and then promptly slaps J hard.
O: *disappointed* Damn it, it's not the tick...
J: *annoyed, rubbing his cheek* Damn it, it's not the tick!?
K: I'm starting to get a sense of why we don't talk.
Just before the Cosmic Lanes scene, there's a bit where J and K are traveling in K's old car. J just keeps staring at K, with K giving a few disturbed looks, all in silence.
Boris talking to his old self is truly a sight to behold, it's like watching Jemaine Clement trying to outham himself in an ever-lasting scenery-chewing competition. In particular when Future!Boris is talking but Past!Boris keeps staring at his lost arm.:
Still on Boris, one can't forget his absolutely gloriouslaugh.
J, K, and Griffin are heading to the rocket launch site when they see security heading up to stop them. K pulls out his neuralyzer...which runs on a battery belt and dial-up modem. J gets tired of waiting and just pulls out his own neuralyzer.
Then, Griffin tells J he has to tell the truth and not use the neuralyzer. J goes for Exact Words and tells the security officers the truth...about them working for a secret organization and needing to stop an alien invasion. Cut to the officers throwing J, K, and Griffin on the ground.
When Jay confronts Jeffrey about sending Boris back to the past, he demands to know when and where exactly he sent Boris. Jeffrey tries to play the fool and act like he doesn't, scoffing on how Jay actually thinks he keeps a log book. Cue Jeffrey looking down on the counter and grimacing briefly before looking back at Jay. Jay promptly looks down as well and sees, lo and behold, a logbook. Conveniently right in front of him. It's Jeffrey's chagrined expression that sells it.
Men In Black: The Series
The episode "The Bad Seed" where Jay is accidentally injected with a truth serum.
Infected Zed: Well, did we lose him? Jay:(trying to keep his mouth shut, unsuccessfully. Runs out of the closet) No you didn't lose me! I'm right here! And the Worms are in there! (the Worms run away screaming)
Kay: You didn't leak out any classified information while you were out in public, did you? Jay: Who me? Nah. Yo, the truth serum wore off! Kay and Elle: Jay!
"The Elle of My Dreams Syndrome" episode where Kay is the incompetent partner in Jay's dream world.
Emperor Worm: (to Bug Queen) You can take away our livestock, but you can't take away our forest fires!
One episode where Kay and Elle are trapped on an out-of-control UFO. Good news - they find a stockpile of weapons. Bad news - most of them aren't indoor toys. Good news - Kay knows every single one. Rummage time!
Elle: (picks up a weapon) Let's use one of these to blast through that door. Kay: (pushes weapon back down) Not that one. Sonic blast would liquefy our brains. Elle: (picks up a weapon) This? Kay: (pushes weapon back down) Grind us to hamburger. Elle: (picks up a weapon) This? Kay: (pushes weapon back down) Fry us to the bone. Elle: (picks up a weapon) This? Kay: (pushes weapon back down) Rain nuclear junk all over the countryside. Elle: (picks up a weapon) This? Kay: (Smiles) (Stuff Blowing Up)