Kenneth: So all we've got to do is lie, that seems simple enough. Fletcher: DOESN'T IT?!
Fletcher is called by a repeat offender and regular client who attempted to rob an ATM at knife point and needs his legal advice. Fletcher's advice: "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!"
Some people cheered in the theater when this line was delivered - a sore point re: the practice of law?
Fletcher's secretary told him she's upset that her friend got sued by a burglar who got injured trying to break in. His lawyer got the guy a six thousand dollar settlement.
Greta: Is that justice? Fletcher: No. (beat) I'd have got him ten.
Fletcher's expert handling of the incompetent care of his car at the pound.
Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Fletcher: (Eye rolls and shows the huge gash in his side door) Right theeerrre!
Mechanic: Oh, there! (beat) That was already there.
Fletcher: (Dumbfounded) Why... you! You LIAR! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to court, it'll drain eight hours of my life, and you won't show up! And even if I got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, bend over and TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!
Mechanic: (beat) You've been here before, haven't ya? (tosses Fletcher's keys back to him with a smirk)
Fletcher: (Grabs his keys in a hammy fashion)
Judge: And how are you, Mr Reed?
Fletcher: I'm still a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
Fletcher coming clean about exactly what he was up to during Max's party.
Audrey: Then WHAT you were doing?!
Fletcher: HAVING SEX! *taps his head with the phone in horror*
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone VERY SPECIAL!
Fletcher: No, see, that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal!" (screams, gawks at the phone and throws it across the room as Audrey exclaims disgustedly at him)
While questioning the man with whom Mrs. Cole had sex, Fletcher tries to give indirect questions. Eventually he starts doing sexual gestures and faces and...
"You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR! You slammed her! You dunked her doughnut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!" [Makes gobbling noises]
Even better was that the other lawyer objected, due to Fletcher badgering the witness. The judge replies "It's his witness!" in a bewildered tone.
When he pulls out in front of traffic:
Other Driver: What's your problem, schmuck!?
Fletcher: I'M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!
Fletcher's barrage at the end of the court case.
Fletcher: This contract is void. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant! Standard community property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets or 11.395 million dollars. Jordan fades back! Swoosh! And that's the game! Nothing further, Your Honor!