Funny: Liar Liar

  • The wish takes effect when Fletcher is in bed with Miranda:
    Miranda: That was incredible. Was it good for you?
    Fletcher: I've had better.
    • He keeps saying that for awhile. Not understanding why he said that. "I've had better?"
  • "The pen is blue! The pen is blue! The goddamn pen is blue!".
    • "Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!"
  • "I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and Speeediiing!!
  • "It was Meeee!"
  • The roast of the board.
    Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
    Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later - DICKHEAD!
    • Not to mention right before that:
    Fletcher: (Pointing each out in turn.) Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! (Points to Miranda) SLLLLLLUUT!!!
  • Fletcher's fight with himself in the bathroom; if nothing else, for this exchange:
    Judge: Who did this?
    Fletcher: A MADMAN, your honor! A desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope!
    Judge: What did he look like?
    Fletcher: (beat) About 6'2, 180 pounds, big teeth, kind of gangly.
    • In middle of the said self-inflicted beatdown, when another man walks on him:
      Man: What the hell are you doing?!
      Fletcher: I'm kicking my AAAAASS! DO YOU MIND?!
  • This exchange:
    Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
    Judge: Why?
    Fletcher: Because it is devastating to my case!
    Judge: Overruled.
    Fletcher: Good call!
  • "Some idiot's hijacked a flight of stairs!" Not a statement you hear very often...
  • From the bloopers:
    Fletcher: (approaching witness with paper) Mrs. Cole (crumples up paper) A goose!!
  • "Short, shriveled and always to the left!"
  • "That's because you have big jugs! I mean your boobs are huge! I mean, I want to squeeze them....mama!" Cut to the next scene, where he's been punched in the face.
  • Also, the sequence in the court where he keeps objecting to himself.
  • Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce trial?!
    Mrs Cole: Sympathy.
    Fletcher: Well it's working; I feel sorry for them already!
    • It gets even better in the Hilarious Outtakes
      Carrey, making the pitcher he's pouring from "talk": For this...you will pay...a terrible price!
  • "I object!"
    "You would!"
    "Over actor!"
    "Oh no! They're onto me!"
  • This exchange:
    Kenneth: So all we've got to do is lie, that seems simple enough.
    Fletcher: DOESN'T IT?!
  • Fletcher is called by a repeat offender and regular client who attempted to rob an ATM at knife point and needs his legal advice. Fletcher's advice: "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!"
    • Some people cheered in the theater when this line was delivered - a sore point re: the practice of law?
  • Fletcher's secretary told him she's upset that her friend got sued by a burglar who got injured trying to break in. His lawyer got the guy a six thousand dollar settlement.
    Greta: Is that justice?
    Fletcher: No. (beat) I'd have got him ten.
    Another golden moment from the bloopers...Jim flubs up the line after "I'd have got him ten" and stammers, somehow turning it into him pantomiming hooking, reeling in, and posing with a fish.
  • Fletcher's expert handling of the incompetent care of his car at the pound.
    Fletcher: You scratched my car!
    Mechanic: Where?
    Fletcher: (Eye rolls and shows the huge gash in his side door) Right theeerrre!
    Mechanic: Oh, there! (beat) That was already there.
    Fletcher: (Dumbfounded) Why... you! You LIAR! You know what I'm going to do about this?
    Mechanic: What?
    Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to court, it'll drain eight hours of my life, and you won't show up! And even if I got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, bend over and TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!
    Mechanic: (beat) You've been here before, haven't ya? (tosses Fletcher's keys back to him with a smirk)
    Fletcher: (Grabs his keys in a hammy fashion)

    Judge: And how are you, Mr Reed?
    Fletcher: I'm still a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

    Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
    Judge: Can't it wait?
    Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
    Judge: Is that true?
    Fletcher: (beat) It has to be!
    Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
  • Fletcher coming clean about exactly what he was up to during Max's party.
    Audrey: Then WHAT you were doing?!
    Fletcher: HAVING SEX! *taps his head with the phone in horror*
    Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone VERY SPECIAL!
    Fletcher: No, see, that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal!" (screams, gawks at the phone and throws it across the room as Audrey exclaims disgustedly at him)
  • While questioning the man with whom Mrs. Cole had sex, Fletcher tries to give indirect questions. Eventually he starts doing sexual gestures and faces and...
    "You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR! You slammed her! You dunked her doughnut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!" [Makes gobbling noises]
    • Even better was that the other lawyer objected, due to Fletcher badgering the witness. The judge replies "It's his witness!" in a bewildered tone.
  • When he pulls out in front of traffic:
    Other Driver: What's your problem, schmuck!?
  • Fletcher's barrage at the end of the court case.
    Fletcher: This contract is void. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant! Standard community property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets or 11.395 million dollars. Jordan fades back! Swoosh! And that's the game! Nothing further, Your Honor!