Quotes: Liar Liar

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: [sighs] Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
[beat]
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: (pained) No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [Opens the glove box and a huge number of parking tickets come spilling out] Be gentle.

Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?!

Secretary: Boss, it's Skull. He knocked over another ATM, this time at knife-point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [calmly takes the phone] STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!