History Funny / LiarLiar

-->"Wake up, sisters. There's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO such thing as a weaker sex!"

-->'''Fletcher''': New in the building?\\
'''Woman''': Yeah, I just moved in Monday.\\
'''Fletcher''': Oh! You like it so far?\\
'''Woman''': Everybody's been real nice.\\
'''Fletcher''': [[DistractedByTheSexy Well, that's because you have big jugs!]] I mean your boobs are huge! I mean, I want to squeeze them... [[OhCrap Mama!]]\\

-->'''Judge''': How are we doing this morning, Counsel?\\
'''Prosecutor''': Fine, thank you.\\
'''Judge''': And you, Mr. Reed?\\
'''Fletcher''': I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.\\
'''Judge''': Well, you're still young. It'll happen more and more.

-->'''Audrey''': Then WHAT were you doing?!\\
'''Fletcher''': HAVING SEX! ''(taps his head with the phone in horror)''\\
'''Audrey''': Well, I hope it was with someone VERY SPECIAL!\\
'''Fletcher''': No! See, that's the thing, I don't even like her, [[DiggingYourselfDeeper but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal!]] ''(screams, gawks at the phone and throws it across the room and collapsing)''\\
'''Audrey''': ''(hangs up in disgust)''\\
'''Fletcher''': What's wrong with me?! ''(suddenly monotone)'' I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow, I--''(claps both hands heavily over his mouth, while involuntarily ranting)''

-->'''Other Driver:''' What's your problem, schmuck!?

-->'''Cop''': Do you know why I pulled you over?\\
'''Fletcher''': Depends on how long you were following me! ''[wince]''\\
'''Cop''': Why don't we just take it from the top.\\
'''Fletcher''': [-[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Here goes:]]-] [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] '''''[[ListOfTransgressions SPEEEDIING!]]'''''\\
'''Cop''': Is that all?\\
'''Fletcher''': [through gritted teeth] ''No''... [glances at his glove compartment] ...I have unpaid parking tickets. [pops open the compartment which spills out a mass of tickets; pause] ...Be gentle.\\
''[cut to Fletcher arriving home in a taxi]''

-->'''Fletcher''': You scratched my car!
-->'''Mechanic''': Where?
-->'''Fletcher''': ''(eye rolls and shows the huge gash in his side door)'' Right theeerrre!
-->'''Mechanic''': Oh, that! ({{beat}}) That was already there.
-->'''Fletcher''': ''(dumbfounded)'' Why... you! You LIAR! You know what I'm going to do about this?
-->'''Mechanic''': What?
-->'''Fletcher''': Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it'll just drain eight hours of my life, and you probably won't show up! And if I finally got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm ''gonna do'' is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and '''TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!'''
-->'''Mechanic''': ({{beat}}) You've been here before, haven't ya? ''(tosses Fletcher's keys back to him with a smirk)''
-->'''Fletcher''': ''(grabs his keys in a hammy fashion)''

-->'''Fletcher''': Excuse me. Hi. I'm Max's bad father... [[VerbalBackspace er, I'm his father.]]

-->'''Fletcher''': I'll give you the raise!
-->'''Greta''': Here's your raise! ''[flips the bird, resulting in a JawDrop from Fletcher]''

-->'''Greta''': Is that justice? \\
'''Fletcher''': No. ({{beat}}) I'd have got him ten.

-->'''Fletcher''': You brought your kids to your divorce?! \\
'''Mrs Cole''': Sympathy. \\
'''Fletcher''': Well it's working; I feel sorry for them already!

-->'''Fletcher''': Your Honor, I object! \\
'''Judge''': And why is that, Mr Reede? \\
'''Fletcher''': [[ThatWasObjectionable Because it's]] ''[[ThatWasObjectionable devastating]]'' [[ThatWasObjectionable to my case!]]\\
'''Judge''': Overruled.\\
'''Fletcher''': Good call!

-->'''Judge''': Mr. Reede, I don't know what your on, but you better get the point, and quick.

** "Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!"

* When Greta informs Fletcher that he forgot to pick up his son from school, he says "Oh I am such a ''shit!",'' and does a pause when it sinks in that he was able to say that remark [[HeelRealization because it wasn't a lie]].

-->'''Fletcher''': Wait, wait wait wait! Are we sure this is a good idea?

** Another golden moment from the bloopers...Jim flubs up the line after "I'd have got him ten" and stammers, somehow turning it into him pantomiming hooking, reeling in, and posing with a fish.

'''Fletcher:''' *''[[CreepyHighPitchedVoice with shrill embarrassment]]''* Garage sale, $6.50, marked down from $10..!\\
* ''Greta drops the picture in disgust''*

"'''''JEZ-E-B-!'''''" ''[cracks up laughing.]''

** Made HilariousInHindsight after Carrey starred as Creator/AndyKaufman in ''Film/ManOnTheMoon'', who famously used that tune in one of his signature stage routines (featured in the very first ''Saturday Night Live'' episode and recreated in the movie). In fact, it may well have been a deliberate ''homage'' by Carrey given his sweeping arm gesture is straight from the routine.

* [[WesternAnimation/MightyMouse HERE SHE COMES TO WRECK THE DAAAAAAAY!!!]]
** Made HilariousInHindsight after Carrey starred as Creator/AndyKaufman in ''Film/ManOnTheMoon'', who famously used that bit on SNL.

[[quoteright:350: "I'm kicking my ASS! D'YA MIND?!"]]

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/img_1738_2.JPG]]
[[caption-width-right:350:'''''"THE GODDAMN PEN IS BLUE!"''''']]

'''Fletcher: *''[[CreepyHighPitchedVoice with shrill embarrassment]]''* Garage sale, $6.50, marked down from $10..!\\
* ''Greta drops the picture in disgust''*

-->'''Fletcher''': Nothing! [[RealityEnsues Because if I take it to small claims court, it'll just drain eight hours of my life, and you probably won't show up! And if I finally got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway!]] So what I'm ''gonna do'' is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and '''TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!'''

'''Fletcher''': [through gritted teeth] ''No''... [glances at his glove compartment] ...I have unpaid parking tickets. [pops open the compartment which spills out a mass of tickets; pause] Be gentle.

* While the plane is on the runway and Jerry can tell something is bothering Audrey, he's talking to her about what it is when he suddenly notices Fletcher, having hijacked a motorized flight of stairs, pulls up ''outside'' looking in the window.

'''Jerry''' No, it's Fletcher. ''*points*'' \\

** Max asks what he's doing, and Audrey, understandable stunned, can only murmur a monotone "he came to see us off...wave." Audrey then gives a weak two-fingered wave while Max excitedly waves to his dad.

-->'''Fletcher:''' Simmons is old! ''(everyone laughs)'' He should have been out of the game years ago, but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one [[LadyDrunk that gets plastered]] [[AwfulWeddedLife and calls him a retard]]! And you, Tom. You're the biggest [[ProfessionalButtKisser brownnose]] I've ever seen! ''(everyone laughs)'' You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins! ''You'' have bad breath caused by gingivitis. ''You'' couldn't get a porn star off. [[DodgyToupee Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway]]. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! (''Points to [[ReallyGetsAround Miranda]]'') '''SLLLLLLUUT!!!'''

* The recording of Mrs. Cole having sex. Fletcher points out [[SpitTake after spewing out a mouthful of water]] that there's nothing that proves she's having sex with someone other than her husband, then we quite audibly hear Mrs. Cole saying [[InstantlyProvenWrong "You're such a better lover than my husband!"]] Fletcher gives her a pained look at that.