Funny / House

  • Cuddy has a good one in the Pilot. "Is the yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of! More yelling? That's not scary ... to hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun you."
    • Another one from the pilot, while talking to one of his drop-in patients (who happens to be bright orange)
    House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
    Orange patient: What?
    House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
  • This gem from "Autopsy"
    House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
    Cuddy: Are you high?
    House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
    Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
  • The House episode Euphoria, pt. 1 contains an interesting scene where House performs an MRI scan on a cadaver he shot in the face with a .38 bullet, just to see if he can safely perform such a scan on a patient with their own bullet fragments. The look on everyone's faces when they realize House has blown up the corpse's skull and ruined the MRI machine — just before said ruined machine shorts out the lighting — will have you howling with laughter.
    • Even better, earlier in the same episode, just after shooting said cadaver, another doctor walks in on House and sees him with the gun (having heard a loud noise) and the corpse, upon which House says, "I shot him. He's dead." Absolutely brilliant.
    • Best part is house's lines during the MRI scene. After Cuddy barges in and yells at him first for shooting the corpse and using it for this "test"
      House: You're mad that I put a bullet in the guy's head. Worst case scenario, all I'm going to do is take it out.
    • After the bullet flies out and breaks the machine:
      House: Oops, my bad.
    • And then later in the episode, when the patient begins bleeding from his bullet wounds, Foreman starts laughing. Everyone is shocked. He then says, "What? Nobody else finds this funny?" That whole episode has a lot of Black Comedy going on for certain viewers...
    • Part 2, while mostly relatively sombre and generally depressing, tossed in a gem or two. Example:
      Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead.
      House: Yes, I make it look oh so sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as it seems.
    • Later in the same episode, House is bringing Foreman's father into Cuddy's office to guilt-trip her:
      Cuddy: House, uh, what is this?
      House: He's not a what, he's a who! They even have the right to vote now!
    • Two other examples from the same episode: Cameron tells Foreman there's no need for him to be mean, even though he's in pain. Cameron says "House is in pain." Foreman's response: "He's a delight."
      • Then when House is talking to Foreman's dad. Mr. Foreman : "My son says you're a manipulative bastard." House: "It's a nickname. We call him Doctor Bling."
  • The beginning of Love Hurts is also worth a mention. House, Wilson, and a random patient are sitting in the exam room watching a baseball game while a bunch of people wait outside. Then the patient and Wilson start teasing House about his love life: "She's making you do her?!"
    • Made even better when House leaves the exam room and Wilson and the patient can be heard singing "House and Cameron, sitting in a tree." House's response? "Grow up. And learn to harmonize."
  • Mark walks in on House and Stacy washing dishes. House says "It's not what it looks like. I know it looks like we're washing dishes but we're actually having sex!"
  • The end of Safe: After being subjected to an uncommonly high amount of House's Jerkass-ness over the course of the episode, Wilson delivers much deserved revenge by filing halfway through House's cane, causing him to collapse in the middle of the hallway. Indirect violence against cripples has never been so hilarious. Even House smiles, which happens very rarely.
  • From Season 2:
    House, to Wilson: I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!
  • The episode in Season 4 with the patient who mimics the person he thinks is in charge, and House and Cuddy's competition to have him copy them.
    Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a reason.
    House: She doesn't fire me, she never will fire me, she needs me.
    Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I...
    House: She's hot for me. Always...
    Patient: Shut up!
    Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
    Patient: [looks at Cuddy] You have great yabos.
    Cuddy: That still could have been either of us.
  • In 'Cane and Able' there is this exchange between House and Foreman as regards a high def. television:
    House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me.
    Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies.
    • Also his continuing assertion throughout the episode that Cuddy is pregnant because her breasts are firmer.
  • Until recently in "The Greater Good" when Cuddy — pushed to the breaking point after House's inability to let anyone else even attempt to do her job drags her back from maternity leave with her newly adopted daughter — seeks revenge by posting a maintenance worker to hang Out of Order signs on all of the elevators whenever he sees House coming, setting a tripwire at the door to his office, and stealing his cane.
    • Special mention to House falling over the tripwire — twangggg — and his expression afterwards.
  • House's metaphor for why a sudden onset of symptoms points to an acute condition: "You come home one night, your wife whacks you with a baseball bat. Likely cause — the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for furry handcuffs she found in your pants?"
  • Cuddy screaming "This. Is BEYOND ASSHOOD!" at House in "Both Sides Now."
    • In that one, House is trying to figure out if Cuddy is being honest with him by using thermal imaging equipment.
      House: She lied to me. Either last night or today and I need to find out which and why.
      Wilson: And clearly thermal imaging is the way.
  • Several exchanges between House and Wilson in the episode when Wilson moves in with his bff, "Clueless":
    House: You blowdry your hair?
    Wilson: Sorry, did I wake you up?
    House: You blowdry your hair?
Followed by...
Wilson: Enjoying the salad?
House: There's no lettuce.
Wilson: I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge? When I made it. For myself!
House: How was I supposed to know?
Wilson: Well, I was hoping [shows a post-it note on the cover saying MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!] this might tip you off...
  • House's diagnosis of many clinic patients also qualifies as hilarious. In particular, one patient in "One Day, One Room" stands out:
    House: (looking up the patient's nose) Perfect! I've never seen such finely groomed nose hairs.
    Patient: Good grooming is important.
    House: (looks at his rumpled clothes) Was that a shot?
    Patient: We're judged on how we look. For example, I noticed that your clothes are wrinkled and you haven't shaved in a few days. It says something about you.
    House: Do you use toenail clippers up there?
    Patient: They're long enough to better reach the upper hairs.
    House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt and forgot to brush my hair this week You have athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.
    • This clinic patient was pretty funny, too.
      Patient: I can't remove my contacts and they are irritating my eyes.
      House: That's because you're not wearing contacts. You're trying to remove your cornea.
    • This quick exchange with Marco the pharmacist when a patient starts running around and screaming in the waiting room:
      Marco: Should I get a sedative?
      House: No thanks, I'm good.
  • From "Resignation," Wilson's infamous "I'm on SPEEEEED!!!"
  • From Lines in the Sand: "YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!!!"
    • In the same episode:
      House: I want my old carpet back.
      Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
      House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
    • And House quoting Bogart's monologue at the end of Casablanca to "break up" with the girl, complete with her looking confused when he says she belongs with Victor (Lazlo).
      • Also the bit of physical comedy: after he's taken the gas to calm the kid down, House gets up and promptly crashes into a cart on his way out of the room.
    • House does his usual "stop the operation" bit, but bursts into the wrong operating theatre:
      "HEY! Don't touch his eye!"
      "...This is an appendectomy."
      "Like I said. Don't touch his eye."
  • "This is why I created nurses. CLEAN UP ON AISLE THREE!"
  • Near the beginning of "Cursed" when House talked to a stray Vicodin pill before swallowing it.
    House: There you are! Were you scared? Don't worry, you're home now. *gulp*
  • In one episode, Foreman insults Chase during the differential, so House tells Chase to take a break to figure out a comeback. Chase stays silent for the rest of the session and at the end, pipes up with "Hey, Foreman. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up." And the other doctors' faces, which range from disgust to pity, just make it.
    • Not to mention the "gangsta" hand gestures Chase attempts as he does it.
  • From "Ugly":
    Wilson: Where did you get those keys?
    House: Blue the janitor.
    Wilson: What?!
    House: That's his name.
    Wilson: His name is *Lou*!
    House: I owe him an apology.
    • The Spanish dub used Baloo.
    • House calls the janitor "Blue" again three seasons later and is again corrected, this time by Cuddy, in "Fall From Grace".
    • At the end of the episode, House and Cuddy are watching an early copy of the documentary he was in, which edited his smartass remarks to make him seem like a caring doctor who always puts his patients first and treats his staff with utter respect. House looks completely mortified.
    Cuddy (after watching the early copy, wiping away fake tears): It's difficult not to be moved.
    House: Oh, stop it. Suddenly I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.
    Cuddy: Where are you going? Kittens to get out of trees, blind kids to read to?
    House: I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day.
  • This exchange from "It's a Wonderful Lie" where the team are trying to figure out where the bruises on a patient came from:
    Taub: What about bondage?
    House: I tried it once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it was being the dean of medicine.
    • Later in that same episode, where House made a quick reference to his Fry and Laurie days while searching through the patients e-mails:
      House: 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "lesbionic, " "sanchez," or "man-gina."
  • House's introductory monologue to the clinic patients in "Occam's Razor":
    House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg". I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
    Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
    House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. (to Cuddy) That is true, isn't it? (turning back to the crowd) But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
  • In "Joy", House starts a betting pool about when Cuddy will back down from the adoption. Kutner bets on 7-14 days. House writes "KUTNER" on the board. Kutner says "It'd be better if I had a pseudonym". House's reply? "SKUTNER" He then proceeds to bet in the <7 days category as "Jones".
  • Most of "House Divided":
    Foreman: [yelling over the music] House, what are you doing!?
    House: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fighting the power!
    • The best part is that he's doing this because the voices in his head told him to.
    • The reaction of the patient is also amusing: while Foreman and the patient's mother are annoyed and bewildered (respectively), the patient himself is chuckling at the silliness.
    • Anything related to Chase's bachelor party.
    • The line about Wilson trying to walk home drunk... with no pants... from his own apartment.
    • "By the Power of Grayskull!, I..." (destroys the room and sets a corpse on fire)
  • This exchange from "Here Kitty"...
    House: (waving a laser pointer around Kutner's legs) Oh my gosh, the death cat is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
    Kutner: Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.
    House: Oh my gosh, the death laser is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
  • House's "endorsement" speech for one of Vogler's products in season 1 doubles as a Crowning Moment of Funny and Crowning Moment of Awesome.
  • The Noodle Incident with the duck.
  • We're gonna cure death?
  • Season 6's Wilson episode has a couple too:
    • Wilson being woken up by House to the tune of George Michael's "Faith".
    • The Mexican crooner who was hallucinating that God was ripping open his stomach, and babbling about how he would soon singing in God's mariachi band.
    • "It wasn't the tennis!"
    • "He has cancer. You know how I know? He has an oncologist for a doctor."
    • This exchange:
      Wilson: [after House walks in the room dripping wet] ...House? I know it's raining out there in the hallway...
      House: [starts to explain why he's wet but gives up] Anyways, your patient has cancer. [pause, he points to a chart on Wilson's desk] Not that guy. Although he probably also has cancer.

  • From a S1 episode:
    Wilson: You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?
    House: Yeah. And you're the good guy.
    Wilson: At least I try.
    House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
    Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
    House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
    Wilson: We can release a single.
  • All of Season 6's "The Down Low".
    • One of the overarching side plots involves House and Wilson's new neighbor, Nora, who thinks the two are lovers. House decides to screw with Wilson (wait, bad choice of words) by acting the part of a Transparent Closet, then decides to keep up the façade in order to gain Nora's trust, become "girlfriends" with her, then reveal his "relationship problems" with Wilson, get her drunk, and sleep with her, which will cause a "revelation" about how he's never felt this way about a woman before. Wilson's attempt to tell her this only makes Nora think Wilson is jealous of the amount of time House is spending with her. Finally, right when House is about to spring the trap, Wilson interrupts their dinner and loudly declares his love for House, ending with a marriage proposal. This leads to House calling Nora into his office to explain the truth (including the fact that this all started because Wilson wanted to go out with her), citing his motivation for pretending to be gay as "I want to touch your boobs", then after initially telling her that Wilson was a good person, she says she might go out with him after all and he backpedals into a listing of his bad traits and straight into his customary Eureka Moment, leaving a very bewildered Nora alone in House's office.
    • Another plot involved a joke that Chase, Thirteen, and Taub had played on Foreman, making him think that they had higher salaries than he did. Foreman claims that he's quitting after this case because there's no use in sticking around, leading the team to go to Cuddy and offer to take a pay cut in order to facilitate giving him a raise, at which point she reveals that she hasn't talked to Foreman in 3 days and has no idea what they're talking about — it turns out he was turning the tables on them.
    • Then there was the main plot, involving a drug dealer that went down in a gun fight despite the shooter missing and hitting himself in the foot. When the dealer tries to walk out of the room after House has finished stitching him up, House whacks the bed with his cane, making a loud noise and instantly dropping the dealer. House suspects an environmental cause, so he bugs the dealer's room, and gets a lot of interference. He then finds out that there are two bugs in the room, the one he had planted and the one the patient himself had planted — the "dealer" is actually an undercover cop. He also gets the real drug dealer out of the room by saying that he needs to do a rectal exam. Also, in trying to find the answers that the patient wouldn't give...
      Eddie: (the patient's partner) I know what you're doing. You drugged me to make me think I'm sick so I'll lead you to the stash!
      Thirteen: Do you feel sick?
      Eddie: I don't feel sick; I feel drugged! Trust me, I know the difference!
      • And, of course, the intersection of the main plot and the sub-plot. Early in the episode, House is talking with Eddie, trying to find out what it is they deal in. Eddie claims that they work in "textiles", leading to an extended metaphor. House asks if they deal in "hosiery, with an h", and Eddie replies that they work more with "culottes". House is not exactly sure what culottes are, so he has to ask if that starts with a "c" or a "k". Shortly afterward, Wilson interrupts and tells House that he had tried to ask their new neighbor out and she danced away from it because she thought the two of them were gay. After the traditional insults, House asks, "What are 'culottes', anyway?"—and Wilson immediately gives the answer, which doesn't exactly scream "straight".
    • Thirteen is fiddling with the receiver for the bug House set up
      HouseIt doesn't respond to manual stimuli. Maybe if you took off your top...
      Thirteen I resorted to something a little more exotic. It's called reading the instructions. Turns out if you plug the wires into the wrong sockets it doesn't actually work.
  • After Chase gets a haircut House says Cameron get your hair in the divorce?
  • A lot of House's clinic people are One Scene Wonders, but the best is the one House identifies as a prostitute based on her necklace, where he offers to (and follows through with) writing her pimp a note. She returns with marks around her neck and he correctly identifies that she's in a donkey show. Despite this, he's almost flirting with her the entire time and she concludes the visit by telling him to drop by sometime.
    • . . . made even more hilarious by the reveal when House does stop bu she's playing Mary in a church Nativity pageant, the rash was from the donkey she rode, and the necklace, while being the patron saint of prostitutes, is also that of several other things.
  • House discovering Wilson's Old Shame porno video: "Be not afraid. The forest nymphs taught me how to please a woman." I died laughing.
  • Basically any time Taub goes into snark mode. For instance when he's debating suicide with Kutner, Taub believing it's never right and Kutner believing it can be:
    Kutner: Okay, so if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun, what would you do?
    Taub: I'd shoot the people holding the torches.
  • Another great Taub moment: When House stole his phone and sent dirty texts to his wife, poor Taub is desperately jumping for the phone House is holding up high out of his reach.
    • Made even funnier by the completely bored, expressionless way Foreman takes the phone off House and gives it back to Taub, ruining House's fun, and just continues talking about the case like nothing happened.
    • Same episode two more gems from Taub.
      Taub: She hallucinated a black hole. We should look for a tumor in her anus.


      Thirteen We should check the liver.
      Taub And then her pinkie toe. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were just randomly naming body parts that have nothing to do with her symptoms.
  • From "Painless", in a scene where House is looking for a lawyer:
    House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of lawyers.
    Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.
  • The speed dating scene: House: 'I'm a diagnostician' the woman stares blankly 'I find out what's wrong with people and fix it' 'Don't all doctors do that?'
    • And then Chase's American accent "I play videogames."
      Female speed dater: Professionally?
      Chase: Pfft. (beat) I wish, bro.
    • And this Chase gem:
      Female speed dater: I'm a chocolatier.
      Chase: I could tell by your hips.
      • And the way she is so entranced by Chase's beauty that she completely agrees with him.
    • From the same episode:
      House: Little girls kiss frogs and expect them to turn into you.
      Chase: I'm not that good looking.
      House: Yeah, you are.
      Wilson: You kinda are.
    • From later in that episode, when Chase is complaining about women only valuing him for his looks, Thirteen deadpans "Then date men. They're not shallow at all."
    • Also, House to Chase 'God, you're pretty.' after Chase correctly deduces something in a Houseian manner.
      • Made even better by the cut to Chase looking absurdly proud of himself. He's apparently realized by now that "God, you're pretty" following a good diagnosis is House-speak for "Great job".
  • After House asks 'everyone who has not slept together' to leave the room, Taub remains behind. He looks at Thirteen and deadpans: 'Oh. Right. That was supposed to be our little secret. Sorry.'
  • House: "This needs some womanly persuasion." Thirteen rolls her eyes and is about to walk into the patient's room, when House says "I said womanly!" and looks at Chase.
  • Season 3, Wilson tricking House into believing he slept with Cuddy.
    House: Seriously?!
    Wilson: No.
    House: You're a jerk.
    Wilson: Night, House.
    House: Night, Wilson.
  • House revealing he knows the clinic patient 3x19 brought in someone else's urine.
    Man: Well, am "I" okay? Is it diabetes?
    House: No. (smiling) You're pregnant.
  • Taub and Foreman getting high off Vicodin in "Lockdown." It Makes Sense in Context.
    • The look on Taub's face when Thirteen flashed him.
  • From 'Black Hole' House: Foreman, does anything excite you? Everyone, including Foreman: 'No.'
  • The DVDs of Season 2 contain in their bonus materials a re-take of a scene called "The Angry Valley Girl Version" of an argument between Dr. Cameron and Dr. Cuddy. Hilarity does indeed ensue.
  • In Season 6's "The Choice". Chase singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with House and Foreman singing backup. And dancing. Woo! Woo!
    • Same episode. Blink and you'll miss it, but when the patient insists that, despite there maybe having been some "contact", he's "as straight as any of you". ... Thirteen visibly restrains herself from answering.
  • Amber Vs House in the S4 episode "No More Mr Nice Guy".
    Wilson: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me.
  • A little scene illustrating the House/Cuddy powerplay/relationship:
    Cuddy: This is the part where you play the employee and I play the boss.
    House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.
    Student 1: No wonder she hates him.
    Student 2: That's not hate. It's foreplay.
  • House tries to hit on an attractive female doctor. He offers her a job.
    I have a position open on my penis. (Beat) Wait, I think I did it wrong.note 
  • These:
    House [to Foreman, Cameron and Chase] What were you doing all night?
    Cameron [deadpan] Jello shots and wild sex, what else?

    House It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I'll grab his ass too.

    Foreman I think your argument is specious.
    House I think your tie is ugly.note 

    Wilson: In some cultures it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Then again, "friend" in Swedish can also be translated as "limping twerp." *House's pager goes off* Did your pager really just go off are you ditching the conversation?
    House Why can't both be true?
  • In the season 3 finale "Human Error":
    House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?
    [Camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the table, who slams down the file she's holding and looks annoyed]
    Cameron: I'm in the room!
    • Another gem from "Human Error":
      House is listening to "Slippery When Wet" by The Commodores whilst air-guitaring on his flaming cane and singing along.
      [Foreman and Cameron walk in, House switches off the music]
      Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?
      House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.
      Foreman: Did you fire him for me?
      House: Would you stay if I did?
      Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?
      Foreman: No!
      House: Yes.
      Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?
      House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
      [Cuddy walks in]
      Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?
      House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?
      Cuddy: You two out. [Foreman and Cameron exit]
      House: Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?
      Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
      House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out a way to somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans.
      [Wilson bursts in]
      Wilson What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?
      House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?
      Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?
      House: So that's a no?
      Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
      [House calls Chase]
      House: Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back.
      Wilson: Cut the crap.
      Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.
      House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
      Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.
      [The phone rings]
      House: Hold that reprimand. House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? *beat* Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [hangs up] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]
  • House's impersonations of his ducklings
  • Bisexadrine, Cuckoldasol and Worldssorestkneesasil. That is all.
  • In the episode "Insensitive", House gets into a pissing match with a patient with congenital insensitivity to pain.
    House: You can't feel pain! Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
    Hannah: It sucks.
    House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
    Hannah: Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep!
    House: Oh god, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.
    Hannah: I can't cry!
    House: Neither can I. Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice, in case the vicodin's finally shot my liver.
    Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
    House: I can't run.
    Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long, because I can overheat.
    House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
    Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
    House: Bathroom's fifty feet from my office. Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.
    Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.
    House: I got shot.
    Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
    House: Yeah!
    Hannah: You think I'm lying?
    House: What, you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?
  • Can't believe we've made it this far without Taub's "Um, I would like to buy some cocaine please."
    • Not to mention: "So I'm in the clinic, drunk! I reach into the drawer, close my eyes, grab the first syringe I can find...!"
    • And also "Cameron, I love you." [Her mouth drops open. House takes swab] "Test results will be back Thursday."
  • From "Cursed" in season 1:
    Wilson: On the other hand, there's the "do unto others" thingy.
    House: Well then I should definitely tell him. I'd want to know.
    Wilson: You want to know everything. There's also the keeping your promises thingy.
    House: Oh you never run out of thingies. Like that blonde thingy you were chatting up.
    Wilson: She's the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!
  • House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
    Wilson: Even I don't like you.
    House: Hey, words can hurt!
  • Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life
    House: I'd hate it. That's why I very cleverly have no personal life.
  • "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia? Noomania?"
    • Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
  • House to Wilson: "My ringtone for you is Dancing Queen by ABBA"
    • And nearly every other moment of "Birthmarks". "STILL not boring!"
  • House: HEY WILSON! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?
    Wilson: Good times.
  • In "Knight Fall" House refers to Taub as Gollum.
    • Chase trying to ram a door down and winding up in groaning heap on the floor that Thirteen proceeds to merrily skip over, holding the key.
  • House: "Idiopathic. It means we're idiots because we can't figure this out."
  • This:
    Foreman Uh, hello! Guy dying!
    House: Foreman, she's not wearing any underwear! You used to be fun.
    • And this:
    Taub What about tularemia?
    Kutner No, there'd have to be rabbits.
    Taub (looking at a cage full of rabbits) True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white fluffy alligators here.
    Kutner The shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it.
    Taub I'll build the giant submarine, and you go get the minaturization gizmo.
  • In "Frozen", when House is trying to get an answer out of the team.
    Kutner: I love you.
    House: WRONG!
  • In Season 7, anything to do with Wilson and House and Cuddy's relationship, from House finding Wilson trying to crawl into his apartment through his window (and getting stuck!), to when they finally all talk and straighten things out.(House: "I think you straightened out my limp!")
  • In Season Six's eleventh episode, "The Down-Low", House has bought a sofa for the apartment Wilson and he share while masquerading as a couple.
    House: I will punch you in the face.
    Wilson: I'll stop if you get rid of the sofa.
    House: (pause) No chance.
    Wilson: Badadadada...
  • In the episode "Epic Fail" Taub and Thirteen are playing a virtual reality game. We're watching them discuss the patient while in the video game. When Taub's character is attacked by Goddamn Bats said character falls to the ground slapping at the bats on it's back. Cut to Taub outside of the video game, in the same position, as Thirteen walks away.
  • In the episode Poison:
    Cameron: You really never did any drugs?
    Foreman: Now this is gonna be a racial thing.
    Cameron: Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?
    Foreman: Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part.
    Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You've already got the matching gym shoes.
  • And how can we forget this moment from The Down Low?
    House: I need the drugs.
    Patient's Boss: We're in textiles.
    House: I NEED THE DRUGS! Hmm... works for Jack Bauer.
  • Some of the diagnoses are funny in their own right. Take "Needle in a Haystack", where the patient accidentally ingested a toothpick, which went undigested and pierced his intestines during a makeout session with his girlfriend.
  • In "Sleeping Dogs Lie", House's clinic patient is a woman who only speaks Chinese, accompanied by her Chinese-American daughter who wants birth control pills and tries to claim that the mother is the one who needs them. House diagnoses her with "Stupid American Child" (along with a cold), and gives her prescriptions for both cold medication and the birth control pills. Later, the woman returns, complaining of enlarged breasts. House is dumbfounded at the girl's stupidity for mixing up the prescriptions, and the girl explains to her mother in Mandarin that House prescribed the wrong medication, which he fixes...and then tells the woman in perfect Mandarin, "Congratulations! You're going to be a grandmother!"
  • Season 7's "Selfish" had a centenarian clinic patient who lives with his octogenarian son, whom House immediately dismissed as having "natural causes". Later, the son bribes House to give a diagnosis that would result in the father having to be sent to a nursing home; a bit of negotiation results in the amount being $30. Later still, the father gives House a $100 bribe to diagnose him with something that would require him being put in a nursing home, as he was just as tired of living with his son as the son was of living with him.
    • On top of all that, after initially planning to acquiesce to this, House spots something at the last moment that explains the symptoms, and gives an honest diagnosis instead, saying that there was no need for the father to go to a nursing home. However, he alerts them to each other's wishes by overtly refunding the $130 he'd received in bribe money.
  • House preventing Foreman's authority by playing charades with his team in "The Tyrant."
  • When two elementary school children are prematurely going through puberty, House goes to their school to see if anyone else has it.
    House: [to a kindergarten girl, with the absolute creepiest look on his face] Do you have hair on your special place?
  • In the episode "Bombshells", there are several dreams and Imagine Spot segments speculating life for House and Cuddy and their families in the future. One such scenario plays out like a sitcom, where Lisa's daughter is brought home by a policeman because she had been shoplifting, and House is portrayed as a lazy bad influence of an adoptive father.
    House: "Office, you have my word it won't happen again! Because next time, she won't get caught!"
    House: "Good thing I brought my axe-cane."
  • "You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!"
  • "I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all up in my jock."
  • House and Wilson's prank wars are legendary, and it's hard to pick a winning prank. That being said? "Wow, looks like someone filed halfway through your cane. Huh."
  • "Saviors". House has just figured out Wilson has been screwing with him the entire episode:
    House: You manipulative bitch. You invoked the name of your dead girlfriend to play me? You're my hero.
  • Larger Than Life. Decorating Taub's poster into a Hitler. Knocking Cuddy's mother out with sedatives. And knocking Wilson out with sedatives. That episode was a Crowning Episode Of Funny.
    • Cuddy's delivery: "You sedated my MOTHER!?
  • After House drugs Cuddy's mom, "Well, leaving aside the fact that House's a sociopath..."
  • This line from early in the episode.
    HOUSE: Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I- I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me.
  • From "Carrot or Stick", when Chase gets his Facebook account hacked into and a... manipulated photo gets posted. He tries to figure out who posted the photo.
    Foreman: He slept with three women at that wedding.
    Masters: You're a whore!
    • And later, when Chase tries to find out how his account was hacked.
      Chase: My password was password.
      Masters: You're a dumb whore!
  • Cuddy: "Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
  • Another bit of clinic duty, when House is talking to a woman who is experiencing vaginal irritation because she "recently switched to the jelly."
    House: Alright, I'm going to need to take a sample.
    Patient: Oh, good, I have some right here. (reaching into her bag to take it out)
    House: No, not of the jelly, of the infec-
    Patient: It's strawberry!
    • And then in the same scene...
      Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
      House: Beat Oh yeah.
      • With a bit of Funny Background Event in that the nurse assisting House has a look on her face showing that she completely agrees with him.
  • The last five minutes of "Let Them Eat Cake." Explaining it just ruins the joke.
  • Episode 20 of season 6, The Choice. House's male patient has started lactating for unknown reasons. While in the midst of a differentiation, House takes a sample of the patient's milk the team had collected and pours it into his coffee. Cue collective reactions of abject horror from the team as prepares to take a drink.
  • House imitating Pulp Fiction in "Two Stories".
    • And being called it on by a fifth grader.
    • Also, "Who put sand in her vagina?"
    • His depiction of his employees, as well.
  • From "Recession". House: (to Cuddy) "Heh. My head's on your vagina."
    • And the Ho Yay banter between Foreman and Taub, including being compared to Bert and Ernie (Taub's Ernie) and Taub giving them both food poisoning, leading to a shot of their pants around their feet as they're on the toilet... and then House walks in to continue their conversation, Chase and Masters in tow.
      Foreman: [To Taub] I hate you.
  • Taub and Foreman have had a lot of great moments over the years, especially since they're both so deadpan and mopey all the time, as lampshaded by Taub:
    Taub: Here's my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. (dons a completely flat expression) Now the saddest day of his life. (does the same thing)
  • From "Out of the Chute":
    Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
    House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
    Masters: Slept with. Since you've been here.
    House: All but one. She did my taxes.
    • Also:
      House: I'm just trying to get you out of here because underneath this sheet, stuff is going on.
    • And:
      Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
      House: (indicating Wilson) After he and I have sex, I'm going to slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
  • "Fall From Grace": House drives up to the hospital in a monster truck and starts talking like a pirate. Also, after his sham of a wedding:
    House: I don't sleep with married women.
  • "I'm haloooocinating..."
  • One of the first things Thirteen does when she's freed from jail is to knee a man in the groin as House stares in shock. Made funnier because it's Damon Lindelof.
    • Complete with a brilliant deadpan Jehovah's Witnesses reference.
  • When Thirteen helps House with his potato gun, but especially:
    Potato Gun: *WHOOMPF*
    Thirteen: Aaah! *Gets blown onto her back*
  • In Season 7, House and Wilson bet $20 on who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest. Wilson wins.
    Wilson: Next week, ferrets?
  • This exchange from "Skin Deep", with House inside the MRI machine:
    Wilson: (via the mic in the MRI) HOUSE. THIS IS GOD.
    House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
    House: (grinning) You'll have to check with Cameron.
    (Cuddy enters)
    Cuddy: House...
    House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch!
    Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?!
    House: God, why have you forsaken me?
  • One of House's clinic patients demonstrates that it hurts everywhere he touches. Cut straight to Cuddy asking a nurse "Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?"
  • The first episode of season four is chock-a-block with funny moments, ranging from Wilson stealing House's guitar to House running a differential diagnosis with a janitor.
    Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream.
  • Also, in "Spin", season 2:
    House: What makes a guy start drooling? (pause) Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
  • Wilson: House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? It's brilliant. We've known each other for years. We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other. And we keep coming back. We're a couple.
    House: Are we still speaking metaphorically?
  • Cuddy: Why is the doctor's lounge covered in mud?
    '''Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement and the cafeteria was all out of Jello.
  • "Bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy!" *all the new ducklings look toward Foreman, who shrugs and says:* "It's how I got hired."
  • *After Cameron, Chase and Foreman have left House's team*
    Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
    Foreman: Don't know.
    Cameron: Don't have to know.
    Chase: Don't... care?
  • "Have you ever heard of the National Man Dead Boy Love Association?"
  • The scene where the new Cottages dig up a grave in season 4 and the subsequent conversation.
  • Thirteen and House talking about the spud gun competition in 'The Dig'. It ends with Thirteen saying that they'll go for hang time and length over accuracy, and asking where the fertiliser is.
  • Much of the Ho Yay between House and Wilson is as heartwarming as it is hilarious. Like, in the season 7 premiere "Now What", House and Cuddy had just finished having sex, leading to this exchange.
    Cuddy: Why didn't you let him in?
    House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool, so was I!
    • From season 6, "Private Lives":
      Wilson: What are you doing?
      House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
    • Season 8's 'Better Half' gives us this gem.
      House: (to Wilson) I really gotta get you laid. If I have to plough that furrow myself, so be it.
  • When House spikes Wilson's coffee with amphetamines, Wilson almost doesn't take the bait simply because House bought him a cup of coffee and this clues him in that something funny is going on.
    House: Must you always suspect me of something?
    Wilson: It's either that, or I accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I would have to accept the horsemen. And the reign of fire. And the end of days.
    • The punchline, of course, is that Wilson falls for it anyway, by taking House's cup of coffee... and House switched them beforehand.
    • And the interview he has with a patient afterward...
    • And Wilson confronting House about it afterwards.
    Wilson: "I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on speed!"
  • "Hunting". House vs. the Rat, and this bit with Wilson:
    Wilson: Who knows what else he has; parasites? Bacterial infection?
    House: The kid doesn't have parasites.
    Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!
    House: Was he still sweating?
    Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.
    House: Not the rat, the dad!
  • Dr. Adams pushing a wheelchair holding a sex doll in "We Need the Eggs"
  • Dr. Park on LSD in "Love is Blind."
    • Particularly the way she delivers lines like, "Then why am I completely tripping balls right now?" in a completely straight tone of voice.
    • Then later, she's tossing various objects at Wilson while still completely tripping balls, believing him to be a rabbit trying to steal her teeth.
  • Dr. Park betting on a turtle race.
    "Move your ass, Mister Chips!"
  • The "Spring Break" photos of Wilson passed out on House's couch at the end of "The C Word." Also a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
  • "Everybody Dies", the series finale, is primarily very dark, but had its lighter moments.
    Hallucination Cameron: Who says I'm here to convince you to live?
    • Near the end of the episode, Wilson is giving the eulogy at House's funeral when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off...wait, this isn't his phone!
      Text message from Dr. House: Shut up you idiot.
    • And then the series ends with House and Wilson riding off on motorcycles, while "Enjoy Yourself" plays. Something about the Mood Whiplash of this final scene (happy after a largely depressing episode), and the levity of the music playing, is just inexplicably amusing.
  • Episode 5x17 has a patient with Frontal Lobe Disinhibition, which causes him to say whatever pops into his mind. His reactions to Thirteen and Cuddy are hilarity incarnate.
    (Regarding Thirteen): ...especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked.
    (Cuddy enters): Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top! Would someone please explain to this woman, there are only so many apologies I...
    I've already embarrassed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining with you on a king sized bed with a mirror on the ceiling I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, [Cuddy] would definitely be my first choice.
  • In "The Softer Side," Thirteen finds a (seemingly) suicidal poem in the patient's bedroom, which House says is medically irrelevant unless the next line says, "Hoping to fry my brain to death,/I smoked some primo crystal meth."
  • In House Divided, House's hallucination of Amber provides this gem while House is learning about the case of the week.
    Amber (hallucination): (trying to write on the board in House's office) Damn invisible marker.
  • In "Occam's Razor" (season 1, episode 3), Cameron is annoyed an off-hand jibe about sex has sent Chase's mind into the gutter, so she when she runs into him alone, she takes the opportunity to fluster him with a short monologue about sex. For most of the monologue, she's standing quite close to Chase, who is trapped between her and a counter. He has a look of utter shock on his face, and his eyes just keep getting bigger and bigger and darting around looking for an escape route as she talks.
    Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
  • In season 3's "Half-Wit," the team discover that House has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As the episode goes on, each of them tries to talk to House about it. He simply rebuffs and ridicules their attempts while trying to refocus them on the case. Wilson is first, then Cameron, then Foreman, all getting very touchy-feely...finally Chase comes into House's office and House asks if it's his turn. Chase's response is a firm, decisive "I'm sorry you're dying. I'm going to hug you." He then gets a long hug in while House is too puzzled to protest.
  • From "Alone", when Cuddy is trying to get House to hire a new diagnostic team:
    Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
    House: You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? (performs what can only be described as the guitar equivalent of a rimshot)
  • "That's our Hitler!" Wilson about and to the half-Jewish candidate to replace Cameron.
  • You laughed at the defibrillator-fireball too, admit it!
  • In the season 7 episode "Unplanned Parenthood," the lady wanted her grown (very reluctant) daughter to videotape the birth of her latest baby: "It's your baby sister!" "It's my mother's vagina!"
  • Season 8's "plaster casting" of EVERYTHING in House's new office.
  • From episode 2X02, Autopsy, the clinic patient:
  • Dr. Cuddy meeting Amber, unaware of what the latter wants:
    Amber: I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
    Cuddy: (instantly frowns; deadpan) Sexual harrassment complaints go through HR, stress-related leave through Workers' Comp, any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton Plainsboro police department.
  • Season 7, episode 2: When House is trying to make Wilson realize that he actually IS dating Cuddy, Wilson at first doesn't believe House. Even after Cuddy initially walks in and gives House a kiss, Wilson is incredibly skeptical. It's only after Cuddy grabs House's crotch and holds on for at least a minute, completely deadpan, that he buys it.
    • The amused, semi-desperate head shake House gives Wilson when Cuddy asks him if that's enough of a demonstration always make me laugh.
  • The end of Season 7, episode 16, where House jumps off of his balcony, looking like he's committing suicide, only to tuck in his legs, yell "CANNONBALL!", and plunge into the pool.
  • In the Season 3 Episode "Fools for Love", while Cameron is trying to discuss the case, House is more interested in the woman Wilson is talking to, resulting in a few funny exchanges:
    House: Seen her here before?
    Cameron: (With a completely straight face) Couple times. I tried to follow her home, but she gave me the slip.
    (Cameron attempts to continue talking about the case, and House walks out)
    • After House returns, interrupting Cameron's sentence for the third time:
    Cameron: Swelling is-
    House: Why is she hanging around here?
    Cameron: Anyone interested in what happened with the swelling?
    House: She's in ped's...
    • Followed by:
    House If he's not hitting that, then why is she here?
    Cameron Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot. (Goes back to talking about case.)
  • In season 7, House, Wilson, Cuddy and Wilson's girlfriend Sam go Go-Kart racing. Sam proves to be extremely competitive, running Wilson out of the road, leading to, mid-race...
    Cuddy: What is her problem??
    House: She hates Jews!
    Cuddy: (In a tone that sounds like she was personally in Auschwitz in 1942) Never again! (Proceeds to go after Sam. Cuddy gets run off the road too, leaving to House pulling off the fuel hose with his cane and winning the race...)