Aleister's dramatic reading of Stalking is Love, in particular the deliberately terrible impressions of Marzgurl, The Nostalgia Chick and Diamanda Hagan.
On a related note- Aleister's audition tapes during the Faust and Schizophreniac reviews.
Anytime Hagan does one of her 'field tests' based on something in the movie reviewed.
From "Condorman" after the main character plummets into a river.
Diamanda: Heís landed in the river Seine, making him literally In-Seine! *cackles crazily* LAUGH DAMN YOU!!!
From the review of Schizophreniac the Whore Mangler- "Necrophilic anal rape before the five minute mark. Thatís impressive. If you're not me."
Later in the same review, her look of utter boredom during a particularly slow murder sequence.
Even later, her outrageous laughter during a horrible murder scene involving styrofoam and a baseball bat forces you to laugh with her.
"This is not a film. This is a piece of performance art designed to test how long someone can act like The Ultimate Warrior in public before getting arrested. Spoony, you unoriginal bastard."
Her commentary about the sex/murder/transformation into blobwoman scene from Faust: Love Of The Damned
Diamanda: Because having dwarves at the level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns on Slutula, Princess Of The Night, she fucks him. Albino gangster watches because this turns him on, she then cuts his throat because that turns someone on, but killing men before they can report on what the fuck happened doesn't turn anyone on, so... she gets turned into French softcore porn legend Lola Ferrari. And then slowly into something from Eraserhead: The Porno if there should ever be one. Internet, please make one!
It turns into an amusing Tempting Fate moment after Where The Dead Go To Die.
Starrbooty: I'm gonna hunt you down like an angry crack whore looking for her baby daddy on pay day! You got that ass-bag?
Hagan: Minion, note down that insult for future use!
Minion: Mistress, how many Fs are in whore?
"I'm watching a cunnilingus scene between two people with cocks. That's new!"
"Drag: When a man wears what a lesbian won't!"
"Why haven't the police got involved?" "They have got involved, mistress! They just took the hotdog stand!" "I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE! *bang* Don't interrupt me."
From Confessions of a Trickbaby: "She discovers... the stairs into my basement."
Also from Confessions of a Trickbaby, Diamanda FINALLY gets a lesbian sex scene, and intends to celebrate.
Diamanda: Minions, release the celebration hookers that I've been keeping since we started doing these reviews! WE! HAVE! SAPPHISM!!
Minion: Er...Mistress? I'm sorry, but we kinda forgot to add air holes...
Minion: We could raise them up with some ropes and pulleys... but it's been a year, so we're gonna need a lot of rope...
Having run through the self-contradictory plot holes of one of the twists she concludes "This is a Gourdian Knot of stupid".
Adrian Lester's character is "an automaton who can't quite replicate human emotion, and is powered by a black hole that feeds on the ability to act."
This week's historical artifact:
Diamanda: What is it? Oh, don't worry. They know why you watch this show; it's something stupid. [Clip of Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing "Something Stupid" in Moulin Rouge!] Diamanda: Not that.
Her montage of photos of people wearing kefiahs. The music is hilarious.
Diamanda's repeated outrage over how Boudicia was portrayed.
Diamanda: Now, even though I've already complained about Boudicia being held [in Bath] when she died a hundred-odd miles away, sometimes I like to flog dead horses! WHAT THE FUCK!? And WHY are they in love!? They might as well have had Jefferson Davis captured by Ulysses S. Grant and have them fall in love!
"Magwilde's mother is drawing spirals. Nothing but spirals. Most of you won't get this, but here's a clip from Uzumaki."
Forcing a minion to do the "Dance of Whimsy" while looking at The Land Before Time 8. Made better in that the dance keeps going until the minion dies of a heart attack.
In her Apocaylpse 3 Review has Host Hagan interact with Voiceover Hagan, and blame the writer. Writer Hagan then says "Sure, blame the writer." and Host Hagan has Writer Hagan kidnapped and tortured. Voiceover Hagan and Host Hagan instantly become unfunny and awkward because Writer Hagan writes their lines. Host Hagan does a little dance in order to distract the audience whilst Voiceover Hagan comes up with lines. It fails. They reinstitute Writer Hagan. This.. This really makes more sense when you watch it.
During her review of "The Next Doctor", the conversation between Moffat and RTD on Moffat's Hand Wave for why people don't remember things like a Kaiju Cyberman. Ending with RTD taking revenge by not having the Tenth Doctor go out happy but crying and whining so that everyone hates Matt Smith.
Made better in that Moffat is voiced by Linkara and RTD is voiced by Welshy.
After Diamanda shoots one minion's censorship device, it bleeps out random words. This catches her off-guard when she's listing off other racial slurs and it only hits the last one (one she has N-Word Privileges for, possibly "mick"):
Diamanda: I can't say *BLEEP*? I am a lesbian *BLEEP*! Who built that damn thing?!?
Minion: You did, mistress! I think you were drunk!
Diamanda: Well, get it fixed! (Beat) The American president shot in November 1963 was John Fitzgerald *BLEEP*... FIX IT NOW!
Diamanda telling us about the dialog in Emmanuelle 4. Especially the way she concludes with Ooh, cock.
"It just struck me; this is a horror film! But instead of scares, it's porn."
"The movie can pretty much be summed up like this: Voice over, talk, sex, voice over, sex, sex, talk, voice over, sex, sex, sex, MUD!, sex, voice over, talk, sex, MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKE!, voice over, sex, sex, sex, talk!"
Diamanda concludes that Emmanuelle is a Fremen and refers to her as Fremanuelle for the rest of the review.
While reviewing Preaching to the Perverted, Hagan finds the woman playing Mistress Tanya's chauffeur attractive. She looks up the cast list (at Aleister's insistence) and learns to her horror that she's played by Julie "Magwilde" Graham.
From The Knackery, Aleister re-enacts his takeover to a bemused minion, which is hilarious in itself, but then tries his hand at reviewing Ireland's second Zombie movie and wonders aloud, "How do those images appear on the screen?"
In the review for Necromaniac, Ron Atkins' name appears on every credit. Diamanda Jokes that one of them will be "God: Ron Atkins". Cue one more screen: "Special Appearance by Ron Atkins as Jesus Christ". Diamanda's reaction: "I was fucking kidding!"
Hagan: There are a great number of things wrong with you. I'd list them but I can't be fucking bothered!
From the review of Stonewall & Riot: Only Diamanda would think to put the Nyan Cat song over a gay porn scene.
Overall, the song choises were hilarious. Like Green Goblin's Villain song from Spiderman T He Musical, which many have joked to sound like a gay club anthem.
"Bonobos Made Human and Given Superpowers: The Movie".
The one she's proudest of: Alternating two different Batman theme songs between the fight/fucking with Stonewall and the French Tickler, and the just plain fucking his sidekick, the henchmen, and the hostage are up to, thereby awkwardizing both. Ending with a Santorum reference. I'm sorry it took so long to get this up, Mistress!
The sound she plays over Dom Deluise's musical number. "It was the sound of an angry Tasmanian Devil."
Playing Alice Cooper's "Poison" over his musical number, which somehow syncs perfectly with the action on-screen.
In The End of Time Part 2, the Tenth Doctor has a tempter tantrum about his impending regeneration. Cut to the first nine Doctors mocking the scene and the Tenth himself (even Handy and Tennant himself appear), then coming to the realization that this is going to happen to them. Eleven shows up to apologize for his behavior while mentioning getting attacked by hockey sticks. The first nine plan to attack Ten with hockey sticks by pretending to be River Song, ignoring Eleven's warnings that he's the one getting attacked. Then the previous Masters show up to mock the John Simm Master. THEN Rassilon as portrayed in The Five Doctors shows up to mock Timothy Dalton's version.
Also, the return of Linkara-Moffat and Welshy-Davies.
Then she plays "Celebration" over the footage of the regeneration itself.
Using "Start Me Up" by Salt-n-Pepa (the theme she uses for Bonekickers) instead of "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet for the theme. It's that bad.
Brad Jones as the narrator for Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy.
Her "statement" on To Boldly Flee. It's short, but hilarious.
From Blackbeard's Ghost: Hagan hits her head on the way into the review room and starts hallucinating and giving bizarre orders, i.e. ordering that her pistol be executed with Nerf guns for being in the movie.
Minion: Mistress? What are you doing?
Hagan: (off-screen) I'm not looking at that thing until it stops being a centipede!
After a girl gets her head blasted off by a robot: "Minions, your scores?" 7, 0.5, and the pi symbol. Bonus points for showing their scores on a laptop screen, a piece of notebook paper, and a bare chest.
In her Victory of the Daleks review, speculating on if Churchill fell into the crack in time.
Well, we won the war! We don't know how. Or why.
From her review of Chirpy:
Music: Chirpy, Chirpy, you are the bird of my dreams.
Hagan: No, I'm fairly sure that's some sort of vulture.
''*cut to Hagan asleep, then waking up while the music plays*
Hagan: Nope, that was definitely a vulture... [Beat] on fire.
"So, now we know how to make a horse fall in love with you: run past some landmarks. And Jesus."
From the ''Biggles, Adventures in Time" review:
Hagan: Minion, kill Peter Cushing!
Minion: He's already dead, mistress!
Hagan: Well then you get a raise, don't you?
At the start of the Django Unchained Vlog, Cy asks if the main villain was fucking his sister, Hagan mentions that incest automatically makes a villain worse, Cy brings up the 'Southerners like to fuck their cousins' stereotype, and Hagan rounds it up by suggesting that he aimed for his cousin and missed.
From Green Porno:
"Greetings gentleviewers...fuck you, I have more than one room. This...is the Zen Room!
Concluding that Isabella Rossellini is an omnifurry.