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Funny: Diamanda Hagan

  • Aleister's dramatic reading of Stalking is Love, in particular the deliberately terrible impressions of Marzgurl, The Nostalgia Chick and Diamanda Hagan.
  • On a related note- Aleister's audition tapes during the Faust and Schizophreniac reviews.
  • Anytime Hagan does one of her 'field tests' based on something in the movie reviewed.
  • From "Condorman" after the main character plummets into a river.
    Diamanda: Heís landed in the river Seine, making him literally In-Seine! *cackles crazily* LAUGH DAMN YOU!!!
  • From the review of Schizophreniac the Whore Mangler- "Necrophilic anal rape before the five minute mark. Thatís impressive. If you're not me."
    • Later in the same review, her look of utter boredom during a particularly slow murder sequence.
    • Even later, her outrageous laughter during a horrible murder scene involving styrofoam and a baseball bat forces you to laugh with her.
    • "This is not a film. This is a piece of performance art designed to test how long someone can act like The Ultimate Warrior in public before getting arrested. Spoony, you unoriginal bastard."
  • Her commentary about the sex/murder/transformation into blobwoman scene from Faust: Love Of The Damned
    Diamanda: Because having dwarves at the level of her breasts is one of the many things that turns on Slutula, Princess Of The Night, she fucks him. Albino gangster watches because this turns him on, she then cuts his throat because that turns someone on, but killing men before they can report on what the fuck happened doesn't turn anyone on, so... she gets turned into French softcore porn legend Lola Ferrari. And then slowly into something from Eraserhead: The Porno if there should ever be one. Internet, please make one!
  • From Starrbooty.
    Starrbooty: I'm gonna hunt you down like an angry crack whore looking for her baby daddy on pay day! You got that ass-bag?
    Hagan: Minion, note down that insult for future use!
    Minion: Mistress, how many Fs are in whore?
    • "I'm watching a cunnilingus scene between two people with cocks. That's new!"
    • "Drag: When a man wears what a lesbian won't!"
  • "Why haven't the police got involved?" "They have got involved, mistress! They just took the hotdog stand!" "I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE! *bang* Don't interrupt me."
  • From Confessions of a Trickbaby: "She discovers... the stairs into my basement."
  • Also from Confessions of a Trickbaby, Diamanda FINALLY gets a lesbian sex scene, and intends to celebrate.
    Diamanda: Minions, release the celebration hookers that I've been keeping since we started doing these reviews! WE! HAVE! SAPPHISM!!
    Minion: Er...Mistress? I'm sorry, but we kinda forgot to add air holes...
    Diamanda:(crestfallen) ...Oh...
    Minion: We could raise them up with some ropes and pulleys... but it's been a year, so we're gonna need a lot of rope...
    • Pimp Lawyer!
  • Her contribution to the Previously On Atop the Fourth Wall sketch for "Rise of Arsenal."
  • The "BULLSHIT" montage near the end of her ''Voyage of the Damned'' review. Including shots from the special along with other bullshit moments in Doctor Who.
  • Playing "Princes of the Universe" during the infamous decapitation scene from Bonekickers.
    • Having run through the self-contradictory plot holes of one of the twists she concludes "This is a Gourdian Knot of stupid".
    • Adrian Lester's character is "an automaton who can't quite replicate human emotion, and is powered by a black hole that feeds on the ability to act."
    • This week's historical artifact:
    Diamanda: What is it? Oh, don't worry. They know why you watch this show; it's something stupid.
    [Clip of Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing "Something Stupid" in Moulin Rouge!]
    Diamanda: Not that.
    • Her montage of photos of people wearing kefiahs. The music is hilarious.
    • Diamanda's repeated outrage over how Boudicia was portrayed.
    Diamanda: Now, even though I've already complained about Boudicia being held [in Bath] when she died a hundred-odd miles away, sometimes I like to flog dead horses! WHAT THE FUCK!? And WHY are they in love!? They might as well have had Jefferson Davis captured by Ulysses S. Grant and have them fall in love!
    • "Magwilde's mother is drawing spirals. Nothing but spirals. Most of you won't get this, but here's a clip from Uzumaki."
  • Forcing a minion to do the "Dance of Whimsy" while looking at The Land Before Time 8. Made better in that the dance keeps going until the minion dies of a heart attack.
  • "You want us to send anthrax to James Cameron?"
  • "Zoombies! The Driving Dead!" :D *Vaudeville Hook*
  • The 'extended edition' of the atrocious crash scene from Children Of The Living Dead.
  • "Oh great. Now I want to see Disney's 'Salo." *cut to a photoshop of just that*
  • In her "Worst Witch" review, a scene gives her an idea for a gender-bending female!Snape/Hermione slash fanfiction. She proceeds to give herself a lobotomy with a drill to get it out of her head, but later gets better. If only she had a pensieve.
  • Being forced to review a Thomas the Tank Engine movie, while trying to review a movie about necrophilia.
  • The sheer amount of stuff Hagan can't show in The Raspberry Reich reaches ridiculous levels, to the point that she can't show the title card due to explicit content.
  • In her Apocaylpse 3 Review has Host Hagan interact with Voiceover Hagan, and blame the writer. Writer Hagan then says "Sure, blame the writer." and Host Hagan has Writer Hagan kidnapped and tortured. Voiceover Hagan and Host Hagan instantly become unfunny and awkward because Writer Hagan writes their lines. Host Hagan does a little dance in order to distract the audience whilst Voiceover Hagan comes up with lines. It fails. They reinstitute Writer Hagan. This.. This really makes more sense when you watch it.
  • The entire Zombeak review with JewWario
    • Hagan calls him Jew-igi throughout the video
    • JewWario thinks hitting goths looks fun and PUNCHES Hagan. She spends the next couple minutes in shock.
    • "You PUNCHED me!"
    • When they see one of the Satanists, JewWario starts dropping Malachite's 21st century rant, but gets stopped by Hagan.
  • From Intermedio:
    • FEEL FREE TO COMMIT SUICIDE
    • The entire Lesbotron 9001 segment.
  • From Eat the Schoolgirl with Oancitizen
    • Hagan's comments about a scene with, in order: violence against children, the buying of knives, and a close-up of a woman with stubble.
    Hagan: Wow, its like Brows Held High distilled. [Beat] No offense.
    Oancitizen: No no, that's pretty much it...
    • This exchange:
    Hagan: It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the jizz again!
    Oancitizen: So you watch a scene where a woman gets brutally killed in cold blood and her body ejaculated on and you respond with a twenty-year-old pop culture reference?
    Hagan: Well, yeah, what would you suggest?
    Oancitizen: Well, I don't know. I haven't finished dying inside first.
    • When Diamanda demands that Oan make a rape scene funny, the best he can come up with is playing the Jem and the Holograms theme song over it. Diamanda is horrified.
    • Schoolgirl Oan. Yes. Also, him politely asking Omega if he can rape her.
    • A crazed Oan turns Hagan into a snail.
    • At least for some of us, this exchange:
    Diamanda: If she's an angel, then she's a lovely angel with a Dirty Pair... of tits.
    [Beat]
    Oancitizen: I don't get it.
    Diamanda: Somewhere out there, a manga fan is giggling.
    • Oan speculating on "wholesome" phone sex.
    Oancitizen: As opposed to unwholesome phone sex. How do you do that? Set your phone to vibrate and... insert?
    Diamanda: (looks at Oan with disgust) You watched Sweet Movie one too many times!
    Oancitizen: Oh, like you would be offended by that joke!
    • Also this.
    Oancitizen: Where are my testicles?
  • From the Nina Galas review Dominion
    • "I chose food. Weevil happened."
  • During her review of "The Next Doctor", the conversation between Moffat and RTD on Moffat's Hand Wave for why people don't remember things like a Kaiju Cyberman. Ending with RTD taking revenge by not having the Tenth Doctor go out happy but crying and whining so that everyone hates Matt Smith.
    • Made better in that Moffat is voiced by Linkara and RTD is voiced by Welshy.
  • The whole Gayniggers From Outer Space review. Just the fact that such a movie exists Crosses the Line Twice.
    • After Diamanda shoots one minion's censorship device, it bleeps out random words. This catches her off-guard when she's listing off other racial slurs and it only hits the last one (one she has N-Word Privileges for, possibly "mick"):
      Diamanda: I can't say *BLEEP*? I am a lesbian *BLEEP*! Who built that damn thing?!?
      Minion: You did, mistress! I think you were drunk!
      Diamanda: Well, get it fixed! (Beat) The American president shot in November 1963 was John Fitzgerald *BLEEP*... FIX IT NOW!
  • Diamanda telling us about the dialog in Emmanuelle 4. Especially the way she concludes with Ooh, cock.
    • Also her anger when the movie cuts away from a lesbian sex scene to a snake.
    • "It just struck me; this is a horror film! But instead of scares, it's porn."
    • "The movie can pretty much be summed up like this: Voice over, talk, sex, voice over, sex, sex, talk, voice over, sex, sex, sex, MUD!, sex, voice over, talk, sex, MUTHAFUCKIN' SNAKE!, voice over, sex, sex, sex, talk!"
    • Diamanda concludes that Emmanuelle is a Fremen and refers to her as Fremanuelle for the rest of the review.
  • While reviewing Preaching to the Perverted, Hagan finds the woman playing Mistress Tanya's chauffeur attractive. She looks up the cast list (at Aleister's insistence) and learns to her horror that she's played by Julie "Magwilde" Graham.
  • From The Knackery, Aleister re-enacts his takeover to a bemused minion, which is hilarious in itself, but then tries his hand at reviewing Ireland's second Zombie movie and wonders aloud, "How do those images appear on the screen?"
  • In the review for Necromaniac, Ron Atkins' name appears on every credit. Diamanda Jokes that one of them will be "God: Ron Atkins". Cue one more screen: "Special Appearance by Ron Atkins as Jesus Christ". Diamanda's reaction: "I was fucking kidding!"
    Harry: There's something wrong with me!
    Dramatic slow zoom on Hagan's annoyed expression
    Hagan: There are a great number of things wrong with you. I'd list them but I can't be fucking bothered!
  • From the review of Stonewall & Riot: Only Diamanda would think to put the Nyan Cat song over a gay porn scene.
    • Overall, the song choises were hilarious. Like Green Goblin's Villain song from Spiderman T He Musical, which many have joked to sound like a gay club anthem.
    • "Bonobos Made Human and Given Superpowers: The Movie".
    • The one she's proudest of: Alternating two different Batman theme songs between the fight/fucking with Stonewall and the French Tickler, and the just plain fucking his sidekick, the henchmen, and the hostage are up to, thereby awkwardizing both. Ending with a Santorum reference. I'm sorry it took so long to get this up, Mistress!
  • From Sextette:
  • In The End of Time Part 2, the Tenth Doctor has a tempter tantrum about his impending regeneration. Cut to the first nine Doctors mocking the scene and the Tenth himself (even Handy and Tennant himself appear), then coming to the realization that this is going to happen to them. Eleven shows up to apologize for his behavior while mentioning getting attacked by hockey sticks. The first nine plan to attack Ten with hockey sticks by pretending to be River Song, ignoring Eleven's warnings that he's the one getting attacked. Then the previous Masters show up to mock the John Simm Master. THEN Rassilon as portrayed in The Five Doctors shows up to mock Timothy Dalton's version.
    • Also, the return of Linkara-Moffat and Welshy-Davies.
    • Props to Rap Critic!Three, Nash!Four, Phelous!Eight, and Welshy!Eleven.
    • Then she plays "Celebration" over the footage of the regeneration itself.
    • Using "Start Me Up" by Salt-n-Pepa (the theme she uses for Bonekickers) instead of "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet for the theme. It's that bad.
  • Brad Jones as the narrator for Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy.
  • Her "statement" on To Boldly Flee. It's short, but hilarious.
  • From Blackbeard's Ghost: Hagan hits her head on the way into the review room and starts hallucinating and giving bizarre orders, i.e. ordering that her pistol be executed with Nerf guns for being in the movie.
    Minion: Mistress? What are you doing?
    Hagan: (off-screen) I'm not looking at that thing until it stops being a centipede!
    Minion: It's just the camera, Mistress.
    Hagan: It was looking at me...!
  • From Chopping Mall:
    • The minions torture a guy and only manage to get useless information out of him.
    Minion: He says he likes Swiss chocolate better than Belgian chocolate, but he doesn't like American chocolate at all!
  • In her Victory of the Daleks review, speculating on if Churchill fell into the crack in time.
    Well, we won the war! We don't know how. Or why.
  • From her review of Chirpy:
    Music: Chirpy, Chirpy, you are the bird of my dreams.
    Hagan: No, I'm fairly sure that's some sort of vulture.
    ''*cut to Hagan asleep, then waking up while the music plays*
    Hagan: Nope, that was definitely a vulture... [Beat] on fire.
    • "So, now we know how to make a horse fall in love with you: run past some landmarks. And Jesus."
    • The videos where Hagan inflicts Chirpy on an audience are a spectacle to behold, especially the second one, which features Linkara, Nash anbd Jew Wario (shortly before he passed away) amongst many others.
  • From the ''Biggles, Adventures in Time" review:
    Hagan: Minion, kill Peter Cushing!
    Minion: He's already dead, mistress!
    Hagan: Well then you get a raise, don't you?
    Minion: WOO!
  • At the start of the Django Unchained Vlog, Cy asks if the main villain was fucking his sister, Hagan mentions that incest automatically makes a villain worse, Cy brings up the 'Southerners like to fuck their cousins' stereotype, and Hagan rounds it up by suggesting that he aimed for his cousin and missed.
  • From Green Porno:
    "Greetings gentleviewers...fuck you, I have more than one room. This...is the Zen Room!
    • Concluding that Isabella Rossellini is an omnifurry.
    "That is one very, very unimpressed looking fly.
    • Oancitizen's cameo. All of it.
  • Most of the four-way review of The Island Of Dr Moreau.
    • The revelation of what exactly the sex noises that the guys were making consisted of.
    • "That's just my daily 'Check to see if the sun has changed into a giant eye' alarm." (JW!Hagan pulls the curtains open to discover Sauron's eye)
    • The Critical Marine Screams Like a Little Girl.
    • Three extra Hagans show up, but get barred from the room. We actually get to see bits of them reviewing the wall in protest.
    • Dr. Moreau's rather ostentatious entrance is dubbed over with "The Pope Song" by Tim Minchin.
  • Her crossover review of 13th Child with The Omega has Diamanda's "Masterpiece" re-edit of Fight Club, replacing every instance of the word "fight" in the dialogue with her saying "wank".
  • Her review of a Doctor Who parody porno called Doctor Loo and the Phaleks. She doesn't seem to realize that it isn't an actual episode of Doctor Who and plays the whole review straight.
    "That design is fucking terrible! The rubber dildo is way too far down! It's an attachment that replaces the sink plunger!"
  • The second episode of Demons has a training sequence... which Hagan sums up with Chop Chop Master Onion.
  • The Liar's Guide to Derry.
  • Memory Run: The Eighties styling means that the evil corporation have "hidden their headquarters inside a Frankie Goes To Hollywood video".
    Frankie: ♪ Relax! Don't don't it, when you wanna go to it! ♪
    Hagan: The clever bastards.
  • I Sound Like A Rocking Chair!
  • From her review of Where the Dead Go to Die:
    • Dubbing over Labby's lines in Tainted Milk with audio from an Oral Roberts sermon.
    • Splicing footage from Ralph's hallucinatory Freak Out into the Signature Scene of Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo.
    • While Sophie's dad gives one of the more bluntly disturbing lines in The Masks That The Monsters Wear, Diamanda can be heard screaming in the background.
    • The "Time Phone" segment, which devolves into both Diamandas shouting obscenities at one another.
    • WHY IS EVERYTHING C'TULHU???
  • From the Big Money Rustlas review: "Insane clown shut the fuck up!"
  • Left Behind:
    • On Nicolae Carpathia being The Antichrist: "That's the most obvious villain name since Darkheart Rapes Babies. And I made that up, so that's the most obvious villain name ever."
  • "Movie? Show me on the bear where logic touched you!"
  • In her Quick Guide to Classic Who: Susan listening to "Lecher Bitch".
  • The entire special review of Koyaanisqatsi. Singing, cameos, and lampshade-hanging. Perfect combination.
  • In the Siege review, she is forced to admit that Paul Donavon (the director) he did a bad job in the movie. She then says something that approximates to, "Wait, no! Insulting him is like insulting Jesus! Wait, I've done that a couple of times." Then decides that approximates to insulting Brian-Trenchard Smith (director of Turkey Shoot), a picture of the title card pops back up while she sobs and begs for the directors forgiveness in the background.
  • Just about everything from the Myra Breckinridge crossover with The Cinema Snob is golden, from their escalating contest of reviewed movies (including bonding over both reviewing Child Bride) to cutting in scenes from The Cinema Snob Movie to emulate the film's use of old movie scenes.
  • This from the Starbooty review:
    Diamanda: Clip Minion! Swallow your cyanide suicide tooth!
    Minion: I'm sorry, Mistress, but I have forgotten which one it is.
    Diamanda: Then get imaginative...
    Minion: (punches self) OW! Wrong tooth. (punches again) OW! Wrong. (punches again) OW! Right! Ugh... (dies)
  • From the Rock and Rule review, she talks about how the villain needs to have stupid minions to feel better about himself, while idly waving a laser pointer at the wall behind her. Suddenly, a minion runs up and smacks into the wall.

Press StartFunny/That Guy with the GlassesDoug Walker

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