Spoilers Off applies to all Funny pages, so all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned!
A typical day with the Bone Cousins
Out From Boneville
- The Bone Cousins bickering with each other in the very first issue. It's pure Comic Trio at it's finest.Phoney: (Jerking a thumb at Smiley) Don't get me wrong, Fone Bone— I'm grateful you were able to get me outta town— But tell me... why did you hafta go an' bring him along with us?
Fone Bone: To torture you.
Phoney: I KNEW THAT!- When Smiley finds a map
Smiley: Sure enough! It’s a map of that mountain range!
Phoney: I’m saved! Give it to me!
Smiley: Gimme a dollar first.
Phoney: What?
Fone Bone: Go on, Phoney! Give him a dollar!
Phoney: (To Fone Bone) WHAT?!
Fone Bone: We’re lost in the middle of th’ desert! Give him a dollar!
Phoney: (Has map) All right, all right… HEY! This looks like it was drawn by a five-year-old! This thing is WORTHLESS!
Smiley: (Holding dollar) It’s worth a dollar!- The issue ends with Fone Bone sitting down, wondering if he'll be able to find his cousins and leave the Valley before winter comes and the mountains become impassible;
Fone Bone: (While something in the background goes "RUMMMBLE") I gotta get outta here! This forest is too weird for me!
(A massive layer of snow lands on Fone Bone with a "WHUMP!")
Fone Bone: Case in point. - Thorn successfully using Fone Bone as a weapon. Arguably doubles as a Crowning Moment Of Awesome.Fone Bone: HEY!Thorn: I'm sorry! It was a reflex!
- Fone Bone's hat spontaneously catching fire seeing Thorn for the first time.
- Their first exchange is both this and adorable:
Thorn: Hello.Fone Bone: ♡Thorn: Um...are you new around here?Fone Bone: FONE BONE! What's yours?! - When Phoney learns the hard way that the Valley runs on the barter system: "Smiley, why did you keep giving me beer? You know I don't carry dairy products!!"
- Made even funnier when you see that he had been asked for eggs!
- Any time Phoney's eyes bug out.
- Phoney gets a five-page sequence in the third issue which are pretty much one Crowning Moment Of Funny after the other, starting with his famous "God, I pity me" speech, and then in rapid succession his first meetings with the Red Dragon, Ted the Bug and Gran'ma Ben.
- Every time the words "Stupid, stupid rat creatures" are uttered.
- The first time in particular is special. Says Fone Bone, "Those rat creatures would have to be pretty stupid to follow me out on this frail, little branch." One frame later... well the Running Gag is born.
- Fone telling Gran'ma Ben the story of why they got run out of Boneville. It's a yarn about Phoney wanting to run for mayor, so he held a picnic with free prune tarts. Then the wind kicked up, causing a giant Phoney balloon to run amuck.Gran'ma Ben: And that's when they ran you outta town.Fone: No. That's when the bad prunes kicked in...
- The quiches. Dear Lord, the quiches.
- When Fone Bone is trying to convince Thorn that the Great Red Dragon is real, he insists that the Dragon clearly just wants people to think he's make-believe. The Dragon pops his head out of the well and comments, "Actually, I just want her to think you're nuts!"
- The look on Phoney's face when he realizes that Lucius has outwitted him at the Cow Race.Lucius: An' I'm bettin' it all on Gran'ma Ben to WIN!!Phoney: What?! (His eyes bug out)Lucius: I understand th' payoff is a hundred to one! See ya in th' winner's circle! (Phoney's jaw drops) An' for your sake, ...Ol' Buddy...you better have the funds to cover that bet! (Phoney bolts)
- One time, Fone Bone asks the Rat Creatures on which word rhymes with "toes" while writing a love poem. One of them - with uncharacteristic helpfulness - answers, "Potatoes?" Hilarity Ensues:Fone Bone: [reading] Upon your feet
You have ten toes;
They look just like
Po-ta-toes!
[turns around, gets an Oh, Crap! look] Whooops!
Rat Creature: Hello, small mammal.- Keep in-mind here, the two were trying to sneak up on Fone, and then he just suddenly looks up and asks one this question and gets an honest answer. It breaks the creepy factor so nicely, it's utterly hilarious.
- Smiley is the living embodiment of this trope. Especially in one particular chapter added to certain compilations in which he and Lucius fix Grandma Ben's roof.Smiley: Well, y'know, I was thinkin'...
Lucius: You were, huh?
Smiley: Yeah. I was contemplating th' scale of our repair job. I mean, maybe we're not thinkin' big enough! Have we really covered all the angles? Stay with me now! I just wanna run this by you— take your temperature on it— see if you're hot! Pssss! Okay, pay attention. What is it we've really got here? Huh? Huh? See, what I think we've got is this really big hole!
Lucius: I want to kill you. - The ending to the Cow Race. As they approach the finish line, the Bone Cousins have led a swarm of Rat Creatures into the race, causing a huge stampede of cows and Rats. The spectators run for their lives, screaming. Gran'ma Ben just pushes herself out in front to reach the finish, shouting, "I won!" She then watches silently as the stampede passes by her. Once everything quiets down, she declares, "Hot diggity dog!! That was the best Cow Race ever!"
- Earlier in vol. 2, Phoney asks Smiley if anybody's been, you know, asking about him...Phoney: ...Big, shaggy monsters with huge teeth... they might've been asking questions about me...?Smiley (frowning in thought): Hmmm...Phoney: Jeez, Smiley! You have to think about it? Did you see any monsters or not?!Smiley (cheerfully): Well, sometimes I see strange stuff, but distinguishing reality from fantasy isn't always my strongest suit.Phoney: Forget it, okay? Go back to work.
- The entirety of the Great Cow Race...especially when the Rat Creatures collide with the racing cows and come out of the woods with them. Not to mention flying past Gran'ma Ben when she wins the race.
- Smiley happily reflecting on the events at the end of the series to Gran'ma Ben, only to sheepishly go silent when she glares at him.
- Just before the cow race, a couple of vilagers stop by to give Gran'ma an appraisal:Villager: Let's measure her thighs!Gran'ma: I wouldn't try that if I were you.
- When the two Stupid, Stupid Rat Creatures are chasing Fone Bone through the woods, one of them and Fone Bone end up tumbling down a hill, crash into a tree, and find themselves hanging precariously perched over a ledge while Fone Bone hangs on by the Rat Creature’s head.Rat Creature #1: Oh my! We’re pretty high up, aren’t we?
Fone Bone: (Climbing up the Rat Creature by his fur) Just keep very still.
Rat Creature #1: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Fone Bone: Don’t move a muscle. I’m almost there.
(The second Rat Creature suddenly crashes into them, sending all three into a fall)
Fone Bone: STUPID, STUPID RAT CREATURES!
Eyes of the Storm
- At the beginning, Fone Bone and Thorn come upon Phoney's latest Get-Rich-Quick Scheme; Putting chickens into a romantic dinner and have Smiley serenade them to speed up egg production. Complete with tiny candles on their table.Fone Bone: Oh yeah. He's adjusted well.
Thorn: I could be wrong... - Gran'ma Ben telling Fone and Phoney to get some chickens prepared for dinner...Gran'ma Ben: I want you boys to catch yourselves four chickens! When Smiley's got that water nice an' hot, dip th' birds in it! I want every one of them feathers gone, so soak 'em good! I better be smellin' wet feathers back here! Poo! There's a smell you don't forget too quick!Fone Bone: Ohmygosh. We're gonna boil 'em alive?!Gran'ma Ben: Of course not, dear. You're gonna cut their heads off first.Phoney: With what?Gran'ma Ben: With th' hatchet.Phoney: Uh... Are they gonna... y'know... Run around the yard? Squirtin' blood an' stuff?Gran'ma Ben: What's th' matter? Ain't you boys ever chopped th' head off a chicken before?Phoney, Fone Bone: Uh... uh...Gran'ma Ben: Oh, fer heaven's sakes! If ya can't handle a little flappin' around, just grab th' chicken by th' neck an' give her a good crank over your head — that'll kill her first!Phoney, Fone Bone: *Jaw Drop, look like they'll be sick, then faint.*(*Beat*)Gran'ma Ben: *grabbing a hatchet and marching out of panel* Hmmf. City boys!
- On their way back to the Barrelhaven, Phoney, Smiley, and Lucius are attacked by Rat Creatures. Smiley saves them- taking them over a cliff, where they land in a pond. Just as they're getting their bearings, it starts raining.Smiley: Like what?
- Fone giving Gran'ma the map (he thinks), and then to his infinite embarrassment she starts reading one of his terrible love poems to Thorn.
- Earlier, Smiley and Phoney teasing Fone about the poems when they find him trying to write his latest one.
The Dragonslayer
- Though a very serious and emotionally tense scene, Fone Bone's badly timed remark in the following exchange is hysterical:Thorn: This is suddenly the truth?! My parents are dead, and I'm a princess with magic powers?!! WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME?!
Fone Bone: A fairy princess?
Thorn: (fuming) Thank you so much.
Fone Bone: (wincing) Sorry.- After catching up to Thorn when she ran off, Fone Bone immediately asks if she's okay and apologizes. Thorn is quick to forgive him and admits that his remark was Actually Pretty Funny.
- The readers' introduction to the Rat Creature cub Smiley will name Bartleby in the next book. He runs out from nowhere at Fone Bone, but instead of mauling him, the cub just leans against Fone Bone. As cute as this is, the cub's expression never changes, and he's got Fone Bone pushed against a tree, pinning him in place.
- Bartleby also gets one when Smiley offers him a sandwich. Cue a massive toothy maw biting onto the sandwich, with Smiley still holding onto it. And then Smiley tells him to sit. And he does. With Smiley's hand still in his mouth.
Rock Jaw: Master of the Eastern Border
- Fone Bone weaponizing the boringness of Moby-Dick (at least, it's boring to everyone but him). It starts with Smiley asking him to read from it to help Bartleby take a nap. Fone says, "Hey! This is a work of art, not a sleeping aid!", to which Smiley replies, "Ooh! Debating its merits! Even better!" Then the Two Stupid, Stupid Rat Creatures show up, and Smiley makes Fone read from the book. He does, and the two Rat Creatures get hilariously agonized looks on their faces (to the point where it looks like they’re both suddenly suffering from food poisoning more than anything else) and fall over, knocking themselves unconscious (making Fone say, "Oh, fer cryin' out loud!"). When they wake up, wondering what happened, one says "That voice! ...It just droned on and on... and on! It was horrible!"
- Even better? As it turns out, it's not the book that's the problem: Smiley tried putting the Rat Creatures to sleep by reading, but it had no effect until Fone Bone read from it!
Smiley: Maybe it's not Moby Dick at all — maybe it's you!
Fone Bone: Oh, shut up! - In order to save the Bones and Bartleby from Roque Ja, the Possum kids and their new raccoon friend Roderick lure the Two Stupid, Stupid Rat Creatures onto the scene, then trick all three into jumping onto a tree perched precariously over a cliff edge;Rat Creature #1: Stop moving, you idiot! Do you want this tree to come loose?!
Rat Creature #2: (enters jumping onto Roque Ja's back) Don't worry, comrade! I am here to save you!
(CREEEK!)
(Roque Ja’s eyes widen in realization)
Roque Ja: (gives a poisonous Death Glare to the second Rat Creature) Stupid, stupid Rat Creatures.
Rat Creature #1: (nervously glances downward the tree finally loses its balance and tilts over the edge of the cliff) …Uh oh.
(All three scream as they plummet down the mountainside) - On the urging of the Possum kids, Fone Bone recites one of the love poems he's written for Thorn... and it causes Bartleby to cover his ears in anguish.
- Everything involving the Two Stupid Rat Creatures in this book, particularly during their temporary truce with Fone & Smiley Bone. Eventually, the chaotic events of their escape from Roque Ja lead to this gem:Rat Creature #1: This is insane!Rat Creature #2: It's stupid!Rat Creature #1: I can't really argue with that, but I feel like I should.Smiley Bone: Carry on, Fone Bone! Make a stupid decision!
Old Man's Cave
- Ted the Bug "helping" Smiley to pull Fone Bone out of the groundhog hole he's stuck in. After a few seconds, Smiley stops actually trying to pull Fone Bone out and just turns to give an incredulous look at Ted, who despite his large grunting is still smaller than a tree leaf and thus has provided no visible help at all for the tallest Bone Cousin.
- Easily one of the funniest moments out of the entire series is when Phoney Bone wakes up at Old Man's Cave with Jonathan & Gran'ma Ben, along with almost everything immediately following it. It goes roughly like this:Phoney Bone: (clutching at Jonathan's collar) Jon, please tell me Gran'ma Ben isn't Queen of the Valley! PLEASE—Gran'ma Ben: (cheerfully) I command you to take a walk with me.Phoney Bone: (quietly) Oh, I'm beggin' ya, man...Jonathan Oaks: (nervously) Um, sorry. She's the Queen.Phoney Bone: (miserably) GAH..... My life is gonna suck, isn't it?
- The revelation of just what the Hooded One's omen to go after Phoney was. It was very, very, VERY subtle:PHONCIBLE P. BONE WILL GET YOUnotePhoney Bone: You chased me all over Kingdom Come because of that?! O boy. Fone Bone is gonna be cranky when he finds out about this.
- And Fone Bone's reaction:Fone Bone: (furious, to Smiley) As soon as we save [Phoney] from this sacrifice, let's kill him!
- And when the Hooded One finally realizes that Phoney can't free the Lord of the Locust, this is Phoney's response:Phoney: Listen, sis... I enjoy a hostile takeover as much as the next guy, but face facts! You blew it!
- And Fone Bone's reaction:
Ghost Circles
- While the Bones, Thorn and Gran'ma Ben use the secret passage to the Rat Creature Temple to escape the mountain, Fone Bone remembers it causes hallucinations. Only instead of the more terrifying ones from the first time from "Rock Jaw: Master of the Eastern Boarder", the hallucinations manifest as Fone Bone and Phoney respectively dressed as/turned into Ishmael and Captain Ahab akin to Fone's Moby Dick dream from the third book. The rest of the chapter and the one following it has a field day with jokes around it.
- "CHANGE THE SUBJECT!? LOOK AT ME, I'M CAPTAIN AHAB!"
- Shortly following the above is Phoney’s impression of Smiley being potentially turned into Moby Dick like in Fone’s dream.
- Later on, after the Bones have turned to normal, Fone Bone and Phoney get into another arugment. As they bicker, Smiley takes to zapping everyone with some static electricity.
Treasure Hunters
- This exchange between Phoney and Fone Bone on each other's Atheia disguises:Phoney: I don't see how this is supposed to make us blend in. This hat makes me look ridiculous!Fone Bone: Boy, I'll say! You look like an acorn!Phoney: Is that so? And what are you supposed to be? A lawn gnome?Fone Bone: Very funny.
- And where did Fone Bone get his pointy hat? From a very short man with an equally pointy head.
- The entire brawl with the giant bee in the marketplace.
- The Blank Sandwiches scene. How do you make Blank Sandwiches? You take two slices of bread, put them together... and that's it. Phoney's deadpan Aside Glance, juxtaposed against Smiley and Bartleby's enthusiasm only sells it.
Crown of Horns
- In the final book, there's something darkly funny about Briar's speech bubble when she addresses Lucius being surrounded by hearts. That's right, the Big Bad, in the heat of battle, isn't above crushing on Lucius.
- After the war has ended, the gang returns to the northern reaches of the Valley and Gran'ma Ben's farm so Thorn can accept thanks and tributes from the people. Phoney, who wants to return to Boneville and really doesn't want to be stuck for another winter, keeps an eye on the weather.Phoney: AHHHH!!!! GUYS! GUYS! I SAW A SNOWFLAKE!
Fone Bone: What can one snowflake hurt?
(WHUMP!)
(Fone Bone and Phoney look out the door at the massive solid layer of snow that has just dropped in and covered everything)
Fone Bone: (sheepishly) ...Oh, yeah. Sorry. - The final punchline. The Bones leave the Valley, with Phoney's plan to steal Atheia's treasure ruined by Smiley swapping the treasure for hard, stuffed bread-thingies except for the few coins with his face printed on.Phoney: (gives a miserable whimper) I don't even like hard, stuffed bread-thingies.
Smiley: Better learn to like 'em. They're the only food on board.
Phoney: Fine. Hand me one.
Smiley: Gimme a gold coin first.
Phoney: WHAT?!
Fone Bone: Oh, give him a gold coin, Phoney. We're out in the middle of the desert.
Stupid Stupid Rat-Tails
- When the story begins, one late afternoon, Big Johnson Bone has just been chased out of town for cheating at cards, though he claims to be innocent. He still brought his winning, a talking monkey named Mr. Pip, who asks him why he was caught with an Ace Of Spades up his sleeve if he wasn't cheating. Big Johnson responds with an incredibly long and convoluted tall tale which takes all evening and all night to tell, but which somehow still does end with an explanation (or an excuse) for why he just happened to be carrying an ace of spades up his sleeve. By then, his mule and Mr. Pip have fallen asleep, much to Big Johnson's annoyance.Big Johnson Bone: Humph! No appreciation for the art of storytellin'! Last time I waste a perfectly good yarn on the likes of them!
- Oh, and the next scene has Big Johnson cheerfully ending yet another story to a bored-looking Mr. Pip as they walk through the wilderness.
- Then, when Big Johnson gets hot and bothered at Mr. Pip's disbelief, he swears that if anything he says is false, The Powers That Be should drop a tornado onto them. Cue the cyclone. Even better, Big Johnson's reaction implies that this sort of thing happens to him all the time.Mr. Pip: A twister?! You couldn't use a gentle summer rain to make your point!?
- Big Johnson's weapon is a huge Bowie knife he named “Piecemaker, on account of the condition she leaves anything that tries to mess with us!”
- This story makes it very clear that the Two Stupid, Stupid Rat Creatures from the main comic are definitely not the only members of their race to be... eccentric, to put it lightly.
- The following exchange when Big Johnson is first fighting back against the Rat Creatures by swinging them around by their tails:Rat Creature #1: (as they gets spun around) Think… I’m… gonna be sick!
(Big Johnson smirks and grabs two other Rat Creatures by the tails with his other hand while he continues to spin the first one around one-handed)
Rat Creature #2: (terrified) No... Please, I have a condition!
Rat Creature #3: (also terrified) Me, too! I’m allergic to all things that could hurt me! - As Big Johnson continues to give Badass Boasts to the Rat Creatures, he mentions how he once took down several deadly mountain lions and tanned a belt out of their hides. One of the three horrified Rat Creature watching Big Johnson’s rampage then notes in confusion how Big Johnson exaggerated the number of mountain lions he fought from four to forty.
- And then, when Stillman accidentally drops his boulder on Big Johnson and not the rats, the spinning Rat Creatures immediately go flying... right back to Earth.”Freed” Rat Creature: (overjoyed) I’m free! I’m flying!! Oh, look, the ground is coming up to meet me.
- The following exchange when Big Johnson is first fighting back against the Rat Creatures by swinging them around by their tails:
- Big Johnson claiming he's an amphibian for why he shouldn't be eaten by Tyson.
