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Quotes / Archer

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Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!
Cyril: I don't know, I...
Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?
Cyril: Uh, how should I know?
Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!
Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!
Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!
Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...
Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
- "Training Day", Season 1

Archer: What? You're black...ish.
Lana: Ish?
Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
Lana: Imagine that!
Archer: You imagine it!
Malory: Both of you imagine shutting up!
- "Diversity Hire", Season 1

Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world-wide database.
Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...
Lana: *sigh*
Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*
Lana: And those were his last words. Before he bled to death on the rug.
- "Diversity Hire", Season 1

Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!
Lana: I blew Jack Shit!
Archer: Name dropper!
- "Job Offer", Season 1

Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
Malory: Then how is it still on?
Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe... into a sentient being.
(dramatic musical sting)
Malory: What?
Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
- "Tragical History", Season 2

Krieger: Leave me alone! I am not a Nazi!
Cyril: What about your father?
Krieger: No! He was a scientist!
Cyril: Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists.
Krieger: No! That's why we... uh, they lost the war! Lack of science!
- "Placebo Effect", Season 2

Barry: Yeah! One for three off the roof, Bitch!
- "Double Trouble", Season 2

Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my race I might just have an issue with the concept of owning a human being?
Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
- "Heart of Archness, Part 2", Season 3

Mr. Earley: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Mr. Earley: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
Malory: Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?
- "Lo Scandolo", Season 3

Malory: Is Krieger hard at work?
Archer: He literally might be.
- "Lo Scandolo", Season 3

Archer: (seeing Krieger's skin-coloured wetsuit) Why is it skin-coloured?
Krieger: Well, it's not if you're black.
Archer: What is it with serial killers and skin?!
Krieger: I'm not a... serial killer!
Archer: ...Wait, why'd you emphasise "serial"?
Krieger: I did whaaat?
- "Skin Game", Season 3

Archer: I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.
Cheryl: Mmmm, well, but also emotional violence.
Archer: Wow.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Archer: That's... even creepier.
- "Legs", Season 4

Archer: But, if you don't wanna see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and shit, as they fight to the death through the streets of Manhattan—
Dr. Krieger: Bup bup bup bup bup - Stop. My penis can only get so erect!
- "Viscous Coupling", Season 4

Archer: I always do shit like this! All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner, Woodhouse, and the next thing I know, I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves, and grossly abusing corpses, and trying to sort some finger for some weird psycho-sexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by goddamn robots! I mean, fucking halberds, Jesus Christ!
- "Grammercy, Halberd!", Season 8

Archer: And so that's pretty much that, I guess, vengeance-wise. I don’t know if you feel avenged or if that even matters to you. Tell you what I do know, is robot dogs? Jesus Christ....and I know the case took a long time, but like you always said, I have a tendency to get sidetracked, which, honestly, is kinda shitty of you. And the smart thing would have been to read your envelope full of clues and THEN start rampaging, but...holy shit, I wonder if that was your will. Although...I can't imagine you having anything I could possibly want. I mean, I'll swing by your apartment and take a look around but uh...what else, what else...Oh! I brought you some heroin. Hopefully some kids won't walk by and eat it. Oh, and also, uh, a rock. I didn't know if you were Jewish; we never talked about that. I guess mainly because you were so weirdly private. But even so, Woodhouse...Oh, I’m going to miss the shit out of you. All right, well I'll see ya. I don’t know, maybe next week or...uh you know what, let’s play it by ear.
- "Auflösung", Season 8

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