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Quotes / Archer

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Cyril: But when would you use an underwear gun?
Archer: Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kinda high. An exotic woman on the bed... Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for or is she... an assassin!
Cyril: I don't know, I...
Archer: Oh, here's room service! Who ordered champagne?
Cyril: Uh, how should I know?
Archer: Exactly, you're baked, you can't remember! But since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne!
Cyril: Aah, because they're assassins too!
Archer: Or! Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him and the third's from maintenance finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC!
Cyril: Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen...
Archer: Point is, you come out of the john waving this around (lifts up the gun), nobody's gonna bug you for a tip.
"Training Day", Season 1

Archer: What? You're black...ish.
Lana: Ish?
Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon.'
"Diversity Hire", Season 1

Lana: Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world-wide database.
Archer: Which you probably found while researching me...
Lana: *sigh*
Archer: Lana 'cause you're in the uh... Danger Zoooone! *cough from weakness*
Lana: And those were his last words. Before he bled to death on the rug.
"Diversity Hire", Season 1

Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
Archer: Maybe you should have thought of that before you blew the damn drop!
Lana: I blew Jack Shit!
Archer: Name dropper!
"Job Offer", Season 1

Malory: Just turn off the mainframe.
Lana: (holds up an unplugged power cord) Yeah, we tried that.
Malory: Then how is it still on?
Krieger: Because the worm has turned the mainframe... into a sentient being.
(dramatic musical sting)
Malory: What?
Krieger: I'm kidding. There's a battery backup.
"Tragical History", Season 2

Krieger: Leave me alone! I am not a Nazi!
Cyril: What about your father?
Krieger: No! He was a scientist!
Cyril: Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists.
Krieger: No! That's why we... uh, they lost the war! Lack of science!
"Placebo Effect", Season 2

Barry: Yeah! One for three off the roof, Bitch!
"Double Trouble", Season 2

Gillete: Look at him! He is lithe. You know they asked if I wanted to buy him outright. But then I thought ...
Lana: You thought what, Ray? You thought that maybe because of my race I might just have an issue with the concept of owning a human being?
Gillete: Actually, I just thought I'd probably get bored with him.
"Heart of Archness, Part 2", Season 3

Mr. Earley: It's just at Christmas, the tenants usually give me a small consideration for the work all year I do keeping up the building. We surely count on it ma'am, especially this year as we've had more than the usual medical bills.
Malory: Your point being?
Mr. Earley: It's just that, for the third year running, you give me a potato.
Malory: Oh dear, so once again you're faced with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or let it ferment so I can drink it later?
"Lo Scandolo", Season 3

Malory: Is Krieger hard at work?
Archer: He literally might be.
"Lo Scandolo", Season 3

Archer: (seeing Krieger's skin-coloured wetsuit) Why is it skin-coloured?
Krieger: Well, it's not if you're black.
Archer: What is it with serial killers and skin?!
Krieger: I'm not a... serial killer!
Archer: ...Wait, why'd you emphasise "serial"?
Krieger: I did whaaat?
"Skin Game", Season 3

Archer: I'm just going to say it, I think it's super creepy you get sexually aroused by physical violence.
Cheryl: Mmmm, well, but also emotional violence.
Archer: Wow.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Archer: That's... even creepier.
"Legs", Season 4

Archer: But, if you don't wanna see two robots smashing each other with cop cars and shit, as they fight to the death through the streets of Manhattan—
Dr. Krieger: Bup bup bup bup bup - Stop. My penis can only get so erect!
"Viscous Coupling", Season 4

Archer: I always do shit like this! All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner, Woodhouse, and the next thing I know, I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves, and grossly abusing corpses, and trying to sort some finger for some weird psycho-sexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by goddamn robots! I mean, fucking halberds, Jesus Christ!
"Grammercy, Halberd!", Season 8

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