Funny / Thud!

• The introductory description of the entity that is the Summoning Dark and the deep time it comes from finishes with how currently (that is, for the past ten thousand years) it has "found work as a superstition."
• When Vimes starts reading ''Where's My Cow" to young Sam he's mildly annoyed about how the book has cows, sheep and animals not found in the city. So one day he retells it as "Where's My Daddy," with the catch phrases of prominent Ankh-Morporkians instead of animal noises, including Foul Old Ron's "Bugrit! Millenium hand and shrimp!" He does this for a while until Sybil coughs and interrupts him. The next day Young Sam announced "Buglit!" to his nanny, and from then on Vimes sticks to the written version.
• Any line spoken by Sir Reynold Stitched, curator of Fine Art at the Royal Art Museum, a man so posh, people (namely Fred Colon and Cecil Nobbs) can hardly understand him.
  "We've had a burglareah, officer!"
  • The whole "Colon-Nobbs Brains Trust" scene, really. At one point, Sir Stitched declares that selling the stolen painting would be a risky endeavor, given how any civilized person would recognize it immediately. Colon nods and asks him what it looks like. Then Colon and Nobby observe some other ...interesting exhibits, including a wooden stake which one artist was apparently nailed to by her ear once and won several awards for, with Stitched mentioning that she's planning to nail herself to various other items for more "exhibits." Nobby then suggests that they display the now empty picture frame and rename the exhibit Art Theft, which Stitched dismisses as a foolish idea.
• How do the girls manage to convince Tawneee that men find her too attractive to approach? By having her smile at one of the gents in the pub ...then leaving after it causes all the men there to brawl over who it was she was smiling at.
• Vetinari, after the "heroics" of Mr. A.E. Pessimal, the most prim little bureaucrat you could ever meet, getting knocked out after trying to bite a troll:
  "Pessimal. A.E. Pessimal?! Little man, very clean shoes?"
  • What makes this even funnier is that Vetinari is a complete chessmaster who not only knows what's going on at all times, but also manages to plan for everything several steps in advance. This is one of the few times that the Patrician is ever caught by surprise.
• Any appearance Death makes in a Watch book, culminating in the gag in Thud! Which got partly adapted into the Colour Of Magic film.
  Death: You are having a near-death experience. Which consequently means that I have to have a near-Vimes experience. Don't worry about me. I brought a book.
• An exotic dancer, a dwarf who has embraced her femininity, a werewolf, and a vampire all go out and get drunk. While the last two try to explain the facts of life to the first one, and the dwarf gets drunk on Screaming Orgasms.
  "It's a drink."
  "Really? How does it work?"
  • Afterwards, the vampire feels decidedly ill, and Angua taunts her with "Serves you right for drinking... vine." Salacia retorts she can handle "sarcastic-pause 'vine'" perfectly, but will admit she should have gone easier on the sticky cocktails with allegedly-humorous names. Then Sally pukes up some hastily-consumed garnishes, including an umbrella, a sparkler, and a slice of lemon.
• When the Watch confront Brick and ask if he wants a lawyer, he replies that he's already eaten that day. They spend a brief, alarmed moment thinking he ate a lawyer before asking more questions and realizing that he doesn't know what a lawyer is, and meant a biscuit. Then, Brick thinks about how being the center of attention in a room full of stern watchmen is his worst nightmare, before reputedly correcting himself as he recalls other, more surreal and terrifying ones, getting all the way down to his nineteenth-worst nightmare before Carrot snaps him back to attention.
• Doubling as a Continuity Nod, Sybil reminds Sam of their previous "vacation".
  "Yes, dear. Werewolves tried to eat me."
• Vimes' reaction when Lady Sybil accuses him of "gallivanting off without her":
  "I don't know how to vant! I don't even have a galli!"
• King B'hrian Bloodaxe's first recorded words: "Art this thynge working?"
  • From a little later on...
  King B'hrian: For the enemy is not Troll, nor is it Dwarf, but it is the baleful, the malign, the cowardly, the vessels of hatred, those who do a bad thing and call it good. Those we fought today, but the wilful fool is eternal and will say-
  Ardent: This is just a trick!
  King B'hrian: -say this is a trick.
• Yes, it's awesome, and yes, it's horrifying - but Vimes's berserker reading of "WHERE! IS! MY! COW!?" must also be one of the funniest scenes in Discworld, if only from the reactions of the witnesses. For extra icing, recall that the Watch and the Low King's forces were led to the scene by a voice howling out a children's book. "IS THIS MY COW?? IT GOES HRUUUGH!!".

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