- "We got to get the medicine for the computer machine!"
- ''"It's an orange gun!"
- The Chinese translator beating up a guy while asking for help from the hitman (who doesn't speak English).
- "Let's get real. The money's gone. I'm a loan shark. I loaned it shark-style."
- Dan doesn't believe in blood cells. Yes, really.
- "I have enough to worry about! I got strip clubs. I got champagne rooms and free buffets in an economy where clients are cutting back and they're sleeping with their wives again! THEIR WIVES!!"
- "The Law is like a woman. Sure she'll slap you but getting mad won't do you any good. It'll just make things worse. A little sweet talk and before you know it, you're covered in baby oil with whipped cream on your nipples".
- "Remember that time Sasha killed that trucker then put on his hat? He was all "Look at me, I am man who is dead!"
- Liz dressed as a hooker turning the heads of everyone at the station. Then she drops her purse and struggles to pick it up.
- The sketch of "Murderin' Jane" dressed in a nurse's uniform.
- Dan recreating the scene of Ruiz being a victim of a peeping Tom."You stepped out of the shower, dripping wet. (dabs himself with a towel and flips his imaginary hair) Pat, pat, pat. You saunter into the bedroom, your skin still glistening. The air is cool, your skin feels alive, the goosekin is coming. I have a question though, where was the towel? Was it like headlights or did he get a look at what's under the hood?"
- The scene where Dan Stark, unfamiliar with how a taser works, accidentally tasers a suspect. Then, in trying to explain what happened, takes Jack's taser to demonstrate, and accidentally tases Jack. He yells "Somebody stop me!" as the opening theme starts.
- "I take pride in my willingness to lubricate myself in the cause of justice!"
- Liz and Zoe the hooker's verbal spats.Zoe: I'm a prostitute, not some off the rack slut.Liz: Well, excuse me for dressing like a professional and not a "professional".
- Stark whining about US Marshal Marino leaving after they sleep together."After a night of spectacular lovemaking, she lit off before I awoke in the morn, leaving me only with this sock. I sniffed all of her out of it." (later we see him singing "I'm All Out of Love")
- Dan tries to threaten a bike-theft suspect with a tazer. He ends up shooting the tazer at the man completely unprovoked. Jack demands to know what he's doing, Dan explains he didn't mean it, he was just pointing it like so, and promptly hits Jack with another tazer.Dan: SOMEBODY STOP ME!
Funny / The Good Guys