AUTHOR'S NOTE: This liveblog will first cover Attack of the Sphinx, then The Titans Strike Back later on. I do apologize for any confusion that may happen over the course of this liveblog. Please do enjoy.
Happy half-anniversary to me.
(blows party favor)
As if things can't get more WTF-inducing than this? Well...looking back, I thought that I've seen the worst and liveblogged the worst. Hell, some of the stories and movies? They're pretty bad, and aside from a few media that I've liveblogged (Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue, My Little Eye, and the forgettable A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy), well...
But hey, I know that I promised to never review The Prayer Warriors series anymore. Guess what? As it's a half-anniversary of when I started (or restarted) liveblogging...I'm doing this in honor of it.
And so, from the batshit insane mind that brought you so many liveblogs comes...
A. Dual. Fucking. Liveblog.
Yes, as this time, there are two stories of the Prayer Warriors series (co-stories, in other words, and it must be read together). And I'll do something a bit different. First, I'll cover the first story, and then I'll do the next. There will be four chapters in each installment.
And, really? The Prayer Warriors do not need any introductions. We already know every single damn shortcoming from this godawful series.
So prepare your strongest, stiffest drinks, and raise your glasses up high, for we will liveblog...
The Prayer Warriors: Attack of the Sphinx and The Prayer Warriors: The Titans Strike Back.
WARNING: THE ENTIRE FANFICS HAVE BEEN REMOVED, AND THE LINKS WILL NOT WORK! I REPEAT! THE LINKS WILL NOT WORK!
And so, follow me as we'll cover...
We get a recap.
- "RECAP: After defeating the evil Goth Jupiter in India, The Prayer Warriors returned to America. While attending Percy Jackson's faunal, our new hero William is sent to Edgy to rid the country of evil radical Islamic religion and the evil Egyptian gods."
...defeating Jupiter nothing. He fucking beat your merry band of Sues and Stus. And, via a Fucking Stupid Sacrifice, killed off one of the allies in the process!
Also, we're tackling Islam here. I'm not going to bother with this one unless necessary. To avoid controversy. But I'm pretty damn sure that Islam does not have any Egyptian Gods.
Anyway. We meet William, a Prayer Warrior and the son of the dearly departed Dexter. If you're expecting William to be...oh...I don't know, graceful and tactful, prepare for a disappointment. He's heading to Egypt under Jerremy's commands. Why? The Egyptian Gods have taken over the country.
Also, once he arrives? He goes to Alexandria and finds a library filled with Satanic books.
What the fuck.
Oh, and a reason why the library was destroyed? The Christians burned the books during the Crusades.
Okay. I'll state this. Yes, it is true that there is a new Library of Alexandria. However? There are four possible moments in which the Library was destroyed (the old one, obviously). When Julius Caesar "accientally" burned the library during his conquest, the Attack of Aurelian, the destruction of the Serapeum as decreed by Theodosius, and when the Muslims (not the Christians) took over Egypt.
Once again, Thomas, do your fucking research.
There's a problem, obviously. Namely, the city's taken again, this time by the Egyptian Gods. For serious. Oh, and they're hidden in homes.
...um...wait, they're hiding in homes? That just makes them rather...um...yeah, I got nothing.
William goes to a secret church. Why? The Muslims banned the worship of God and Jesus. And inside the church is a man with loads of Christian books. Like the Bible (of fucking course!) and stories by C.S. Lewis.
Yep. The Chronicles of (fucking) Narnia. So I guess Thomas decided that Aslan was a good enough Jesus, or he's Jesus in actuality?
Oh, and they're drinking red wine. In which the author feels the need to state that it's a good Christian drink that doesn't get you drunk. Tommy Boy, we are not fucking stupid. When you say such things to us, that's insulting your audience's intelligence.
William asks the man about who he's going up against. Why? He wanted to know which evil Egyptian Gods he's going up against. For if he doesn't find out, it would be a waste of time.
Reading all these stories are a waste of time.
The man tells William that the first God he'll go up against will be Horus. Oh, wait, he's not too sure. But he must spy on the people in Egypt (because I have no idea what the fuck a "Nome" is). And Anubis is hiding in another area in Egypt, somewhere that he doesn't know, and Aphis (who the fuck is Aphis?) is in Luxor (yes, this is an actual city name. Say what you will, at least it seemed that he did his damn research on cities...or it was just dumb luck).
Oh, and some girl named Lisa will help William. Oh, goody.
But wait, there's more! Two more Gods in which they'll face are Isis and Ra! And once again, he does not know where the fuck they are! So what's the advice? Fucking spy on them!
And William stated that the man helped him. Helped fucking nothing. He basically said, "shit, find the Gods yourself!" And here's the thing: what would happen if the man turns out to be fucking lying? That would be a waste of time, now wouldn't it?!
As William walks out, he sees a black kid who is stated to possibly have been in the fight between the Bostonians and the demons. Yeah, remember that excellently-written plot point that turned to shit in the last book? Yes? Too bad.
And who is the guy? He's Carter Kane.
A quick lesson: Carter is from the story The Kane Chronicles, written by Rick Riordan. Yes, that one. Now, unlike Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I admit that this is the first time that I've heard of The Kane Chronicles, so I apologize if I don't show any knowledge of the books.
Though that does not excuse Thomas' treatment of the characters in the series, not one bit.
William follows Carter to see where, obviously, where he's going. The thing is? He went to an old play park, and what does Will find there? The evil Horus!
And we end with a "To Be Continued".
The chapter begins with a recap of both this story and the one I'll do after this chapter. After that, Will notices that Carter's talking to Horus.
Who is described as having the head of a house. For the record? Horus' head is based on a falcon. Get your facts right!
Oh, and said head? It's actually caused by black magic. For Horus is actually a man masquerading as a god. And the punishment for such a crime? Why, death, of course!
William prays for God to protect him, and then he points his gun at Horus and Carter. You know, the one thing the other Prayer Warriors should have done while facing Jupiter! And I never thought I'd give such ideas...
But then, Horus commands Carter to bring William over to him, for the Prayer Warrior will make a good pet. Carter bows down to the God, and yes...William throws up in his mouth, but he swallows it.
Oh, God, ew! Just when you think you've seen the last of it...it happens again!
William flees, for being forced to worship a false God will send him straight to Hell. So...apparentally, fake-worshipping a God is okay, but if you're forced, you're sent to Hell? Huh?
But then, Carter manages to catch up to William that fucking quick. And he uses a spell to make our "hero" freeze. I'm calling it, the words to the spell is "Hail Satan". What William can only do now is to pray for his God as Carter walks up to the guy.
Carter tells William that he's coming with him, and also calls him a fucker. Why? To show that swearing is bad and you'll go to Hell for it. Wait, when Michael called bacon "filthy, disgusting shit", does it mean that he's going to Hell, too? And a lot of other moments where the Warriors swore? Like Jerremy calling Stalin an "evil Satanic
And you guessed it, Carter will make William his own personal pet.
Also, we get this.
- "He started to drag me by my curly hair and I thought back but couldn't because he was black and African Americans are pretty strong and that is why you shouldn't trust one at all under any circumstances."
Yep. We get racism in the mix. For we can't trust all African-Americans, like, at all.
The chapter ends with William thinking that Carter's heading towards his trap, because, thanks to good-old Contrived Coincidence, the latter is taking the former to the home. Who gives a shit, really?
And now we'll focus on The Titans Strike Back, henceforth known as "TTSB".
We get nearly the same Author's Note, and we meet Draco Malfoy. Yeah, remember when he suddenly married both Ebony and Hermione? Well, after a small recap of what's going on with him and Hagrid, he's sad when he finds out that Percy is dead.
Mind if I remind you all that Percy died for no reason? And also, Draco has hardly met Percy, if memory serves me right.
And contradicting the Author's Notes once again, Jupiter is hiding in North Korea with their evil Satanic leader. Despite the fact that, at the time of writing, Kim Jong-Il was dead. Unless if he meant the one who succeeded him.
Still pretty damn stupid, anyhow.
Anyway. During the eulogy, Draco hears a scream! He finishes it, and then he runs to the source of the scream. What happened, was the traitor found?
Pfft. I wish. But you know what? This is even better.
- "Went I got there I found Mary kneeling besides a body. At first I fought he had found the tractor but was shocked when I discovered that it was none other than Jeremy himself. Someone had murdered him since he was read."
...wait. Jerremy is dead?!
(cue "Party Rock Anthem" as I celebrate Jerremy's true death. Hours later...)
Whoo! Now I'm better. Yes, the rest of the fucking Warriors will curb-stomp their way. But to have the leader dead? Shit, I hope he remains dead for good!
They decide—or Michael does—to defeat that traitor once and for all. And someone just revived Harry Potter and Dumbledore with a spell! Wait...how can Dumbledore be revived when he was cruelly burned to death?! Moving on, said spellcaster is working with the Titans to restore Hogwarts to its former "glory".
Also, while info-dumping and recapping, the second story's now "The Battle with the Bitches". Lolwut.
Draco decides to go back to England and face off against the enemies, and he has a friend who has the information. Unsurprisingly, Michael goes with him.
And Ebony will go to Egypt. As for Hagrid? He wanted to go to Egypt, but he decides to head to his home and help Michael and Draco. And he'll pray instead of fight.
Normally, I'd cheer for Hagrid, but considering how screwed up he's becoming...
The chapter ends with Hagrid, Draco, and Michael grabbing their swords and heading onto their quest. Which brings the question: how do they head off to England? They better hope to hide their swords perfectly in their luggage.
After the recap, the three head to England thanks to United Airlines. And as mentioned, the swords somehow manage to slip through security. And once again, with the mentions of companies, it feels like a damn commercial.
"Want to take time off your busy schedule and head to a new country where you can slaughter Atheists, Satanists, and evil false Gods? Come fly with us at United Airlines."
Also, by using e-books, presumably on iPads, they read good Christian stuff and not the evil ones like stories written by J.K. Rowling (again) and Stephenie Meyer. Granted, the latter's only crime is being batshit insane, even thinking of leaving her hubby for a guy based on Edward, but is that a reason why she can go to Hell? At most, time in a mental hospital would help her.
That being said, eventually, they head to England. Specifically, Poormouth. Oh-kay...and we get descriptions on where it's located. Regardless, they eventually meet up with the Christian friend. Who's a breast, apparentally.
Oh, you mean priest, Tommy-Boy? Mmkay.
After asking if Draco read the Bible today, the priest asks if he can assist with anything. He asks about the Titans' whereabouts, and the priest is happy to answer.
Turns out that there are five Titans in America (I thought they were in England?), and he knows of four of them: Rocco, Wawa, Lola, and Pyro. About the only information he gives them is that one of them is living in Poormouth. And that's about it.
He's slightly more helpful than the guide in Egypt, that's for sure.
The end of the chapter has Draco receiving mail, an old friend of his revealing where one of the Titans lives, and he must go to the cafe to find out. He does, and...we get a cliffhanger.
What will happen to Carter? Will he defeat William? And what will Draco find out?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Attack of the Sphinx/The Titans Strike Back!