History JustForFun / HowToSurviveAWarMovie

** And if I am in charge of a British force, I will - to the best of my ability - ''try'' not to put aside my [[StiffUpperLip British]] OfficerAndAGentleman stick, ''try'' [[Film/ThePatriot to look past my prejudice against the Americans' fighting prowess]] and ''try'' to be more competent than my American counterpart - it will not only ''not'' get me killed, but I will damn well win, too ([[FailureIsTheOnlyOption or at least come as close to winning as possible]]).

* I will not repeat not ask for an assignment on a [[StarWars giant space station commanded by a Sith Lord]]. It never works out.

* I will [[Film/ApocalypseNow Never Get Out Of The Boat, Absolutely Goddam Right]] (even if I'm going all the way).

** If it is after 1945, I will not join the [[RedsWithRockets Soviet military]].

** If I ''am'' a virgin, I will endeavor to lose my virginity to a total stranger while ''on leave''. The most dangerous time for a soldier is 1-2 days after [[DeathBySex losing your virginity]].[[note]]Much like diagnosing an STD.[[/note]]

* If my comrade pulls a LeeroyJenkins, I will say, [[WhatAnIdiot "Oh my god, he just ran in."]] I will ask someone to calculate the [[MillionToOneChance odds of survival]]. Then I will sit back and laugh.

* If I see [[TheRedBaron a bright red airplane]] and I am not part of the Central Alliance, I will avoid that airplane at all costs, unless my name happens to be Roy Brown. If my name ''is'' Roy Brown, I shall proceed to kick some baronial ass, and then spend the rest of the war in a cushy instructor job.

* If I'm a British soldier in a WWI movie, I'll keep my ears open for caroling around [[DoTheyKnowItsChristmasTime Christmas time]]. Nothing like a football game to lighten the tone of the movie, thus making it less likely to end in a DownerEnding.

* If I'm a British soldier in a WWI movie, I'll keep my ears open for caroling around [[DoTheyKnowItsChristmasTime Christmas time]]. Nothing like a football game to lighten the tone of the movie, thus making it less likely to end in a KillEmAll situation.

** If I am shot or injured in any vital or near-vital area, I will be as vocal and boisterous as possible, cursing up a storm of threats and obscenities as I pull out my sidearm and begin blasting away. I will '''not''' fall to the ground and begin pitifully whimpering for help, nor will I allow any BloodFromTheMouth unless it involves me also [[TheToothHurts spitting out teeth]] as I curse up a storm that would make a Viking shed ManlyTears. In these moments, I must leave absolutely ''no'' doubt that I'm still alive, kicking, and ''pissed off'' because the slightest sign of weakness can cause me to die off for the sake of drama.

** I will make sure to keep from crossing the MoralEventHorizon though, try to avoid committing the ObligatoryWarCrimeScene alone. If I become the TokenEvilTeammate, I would at least try to be [[CrossesTheLineTwice funny]] .

* Stay In School! That way, if you do get conscripted, you can opt for a career as a [[Series/{{MASH}} surgeon]] or Army Engineer. Those guys are very rarely seen on the front line in a war movie. Should this fail I will move heaven and earth to avoid being posted with any former classmates and especially not with teaching staff.

* If I am shot in the chest at any time, I will scream, fall back, and writhe around a bit, to attract the attention of any nearby friendly. Said friendly will immediately come over to look to see if I'm OK, and which point, I can then rip open my shirt to reveal the kevlar vest I miraculously was wearing, ''even thought there was no mention of any such vest at anytime before''.

** If female and Southern, be a SouthernBelle, as you'll likely be in a [[Film/GoneWithTheWind romantic epic]] rather than a war movie. Of course, you run the risk of half your friends dying and the love of your life walking out on you at the end, but at least you live.
*** In fact, if you're a white woman in either half of the country, you should be a SpiritedYoungLady in general. It's the best way to insure that you're the main character [[PlotArmor and therefore unkillable]].

** If I'm assigned under a Lt. [[TheNeidermeyer Neidermeyer]] or CaptainQueeg, I will kill myself because they are a karmic black hole whose very existence guarantees we will all die. Alternately, especially if their name actually is Neidermeyer, I will [[Film/AnimalHouse frag]] them at the first opportunity.

* On the other hand, I will avoid [[EnemyMine heartwarming and touching]] [[NotSoDifferent cultural exchange]] with an enemy on the other side of the trenches unless he is about to die. People who [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible do the right thing]] [[CrapsackWorld always die]] for some reason.

*** By extension, if they ''do'' exist, ThoseWackyNazis are probably very low on the threat-meter and CrazyAwesome at best.

** That goes double if he's [[GeneralRipper crazed]], CrazyAwesome, [[CloudCuckooLander slightly unstable]] or an [[ArmchairMilitary incompetent]] [[MilesGloriosus rear-echelon]] commander whose only purpose is to [[ChewingTheScenery chew the scenery]] and [[DrillSergeantNasty liven things up]] in our unit.

* If I have a LoyalAnimalCompanion, such as a dog or pet mouse, I will keep it [[InfantImmortality with me at all times]] for use as PlotArmor. Under no circumstances will I free it or let a friend take care of it for me. This goes for Prison camps and Action movies too.

* If I am the EvilOverlord's dragon I will pay attention to the ExactWords of prophecy and stay away from [[LordOfTheRings females and hobbits]]. Just in case I will bring a lawyer along to argue that the word "man" includes females and hobbits and hope that keeps me from dying.

** On a similar note, [[RomanceOfTheThreeKingdoms I shall never so much as step foot on the same battlefield as Lu Bu, let alone pursue him.]] [[ChronicBackstabbingDisorder Even if he's technically an "ally".]]

*** One of the enemy soldiers starts running towards the tank completely in the open, but [[ATeamFiring none of our shots seem to be able to hit]] or otherwise dissuade their attack. ''Especially'' if the enemy soldier in question is a muscle-bound wall of a man [[MoreDakka loaded down with a small platoon's worth of guns and ammunition]] and is [[Franchise/Rambo not wearing a shirt.]]

*** We happen upon a single, but [[AceCustom heavily customized]] enemy tank and our tank is not equally heavily customized. It doesn't matter how many other generic tanks are with me. We ''will'' die if we don't immediately get the hell out of Dodge.

** That being said, if being part of a tank crew is unavoidable, I will maintain a keen awareness of what is going on around me. If any of the following occur, I will immediately bail out of the tank and put as much distance as I can between it and myself, preferably taking cover in something like a bunker or building.

** That being said, if being part of a tank crew is unavoidable, I will maintain a keen awareness of what is going on around me. If any of the following occur, I will immediately bail out of the tank and take cover in something more solid, like a building or bunker.
** The battle is going exceptionally well for us, and one of the rookies shouts, "[[TemptingFate Nothing can stop us now!]]"
** We get word of an impending enemy counter attack, and our tank is the only unit available for defense.
** Everything suddenly becomes very quiet, and [[ItsQuietTooQuiet someone makes note of it.]]
** Any time I hear aircraft. If they're enemies, they'll see the tank as a very enticing target. If they're friends, they'll mistake us for enemies and attack anyways.

* If I am facing down a Tiger tank with rifles and small arms, I will make the deal. What kind of deal? A DEAL, deal!

** If female and Southern, be a SouthernBelle, as you'll likely be in a [[GoneWithTheWind romantic epic]] rather than a war movie. Of course, you run the risk of half your friends dying and the love of your life walking out on you at the end, but at least you live.

* If I am in a movie about UsefulNotes/TheVietnamWar, I will join the Viet Cong. They are almost never seen onscreen, and therefore their chances of survival are dramatically raised. I will ''not ever'' join the U.S. Army, unless I am either [[ForrestGump an adorable mentally retarded man with an amazing talent for avoiding all types of danger]] or [[Film/FullMetalJacket a combat correspondent]].