I completed this story a few years ago and am now looking into improving it. Very interested in outside opinions. I'd be willing to form a reciprocal reviewing relationship if somebody else is interested.
The Thief’s Pet
Just over 132,000 words, broken up into 13 chapters.
Completed. Right now it is in its second draft stage.
Though the nobles may rule the lands surrounding Port Prollos, the undisputed master of the city itself is Krimp Headpin and his band of thieves. One day Krimp and his men discover an empty village, its residents massacred by an unknown assailant. Only one survivor is found: a young girl named Vlenn. In a rare show of mercy, Krimp and his men decide to adopt the girl. This is the story of Vlenn’s attempts to make a name for herself among her fellow thieves in the midst of a feud between rival gangs for control of Port Prollos and the coming of a particularly vengeful new captain of the guard who is determined to catch Vlenn and her fellows once and for all.
I’m mostly interested in impressions: What did you think? Were the characters interesting? Does the story flow logically? Did the world seem fleshed out? Did anything make you want to stop reading, or just annoy you? I’m more interested in things like character, world building and plot, but if you notice anything distracting about my writing style please feel free to mention this as well.
EDIT: I have added an additional work to my post. I'm still interested in getting a critique for the first one as well, so if either catches your eye please let me know. Again, this is a rather long story so I would be happy to critique the work of anybody willing to look at mine.
The Apprentice, or, The Journey North
Long. 44 chapters, each approx. 10 pages in length.
First draft completed and in a decently polished state.
I would like to publish some day. The goal of this piece is to improve my writing style and story telling technique.
For Lilith the day her brother, Eitri, was to leave for the magician’s academy at Hyrsgard was coming too quickly. For Eitri, it could not come quickly enough. Their hopes and concerns are forgotten with the coming of a mysterious magician, who kidnaps Lilith and flees with her into the night. Eitri insists on joining his siblings in her rescue, venturing beyond his home for the first time. Lilith, surrounded by enemies, must face a world she had only read about, unsure if she will ever see her family again. Both travel the same path through the plains and forests of the Twelve Kingdoms, heading eventually toward a mysterious tower that has risen in the northern mountains.
I’m mostly interested in plot and characterization. Is the plot compelling? Are the events logical? Do you care to read to the end? Were there any areas that felt unnecessary or dragged? Are the characters well realized? Is the dialogue natural? And of course, as a story, does it work? Any other critiques are of course much appreciated.
edited 8th Feb '14 5:26:09 AM by LittleBillyHaggardy
Nobody wants to be a pawn in the game of life. What they don't realize is the game of life is Minesweeper.