Warp That Aesop: Dragon Ball Z

Multiple/undefined:

  • If your name is Krillin, go live under a rock. Otherwise, YOU WILL DIE.
  • It doesn't matter how hard you work, if you're not the chosen one and a prodigy you'll never be good enough to be important and matter.
  • Hey kids, gluttony is the norm! You can eat as much as you can, but you'll never get fat!
  • If you're a female, you're a spiteful jerkass or stupid.
    • Remember men, women are terrible human beings. So don't get married, ever.
    • Your daughter doesn't want to fight? It's fine, it's not like she'll turn Super Saiyan anyways.
    • Remember, women: you're only allowed to have a life of your own until you land a husband and have kids. After that, the entirety of your life must be devoted to them, so make sure to get all of that pesky martial arts training out of the way while you're still single!
  • If you've had a hard life, then it's your own fault and you deserve no sympathy from anybody.

Series

  • Let the Omnicidal Maniac go. Every time. Beat you to a pulp? Killed your friends right in front of you? Threatened to do the same to those who are left (including your own son) and your entire planet? Let him go. It just means you'll gain a powerful ally in the future. If not... Well, you can always kill him later.
  • Kidnapping small children and brutalizing them for months on end is a great way to earn their lifelong loyalty and friendship - and their parents', too!
    • When training said inexperienced children, always do so with LIVE FIRE EXERCISES. That way you have a good chance of killing them too. Dooooooooooooooooooooooodge!
  • Heritage determines everything important about you. If you're not born special, you're worthless.
    • If your name isn't Goku or Vegeta, you suck.
    • Alternately: Humans suck. If you want to be worth anything, you have to be either an alien or have alien heritage, otherwise you're little more than a meat shield or a distraction.
  • It's okay to take a kid along on adventures that could kill you both, as long as the kid is strong enough to save your hide.
    • ...and?
      • And don't bother considering their feelings. If they prefer homework to getting into fights, they're just being a pussy. Make sure you put the pressure on by telling them only they can defeat the overpowered Omnicidal Maniac and then throw the villain a Med Kit. Saving the world doesn't count if it isn't done through a fair one-on-one fight.
      • Also, never tell him until the last minute. You had planned on having him fight said villain.
    • It's more than perfectly okay to let your child get tortured by the Big Bad. He will, in no way, develop a hostile grudge against you and attempt to kill you once he attains that higher power you kept talking about.
  • If someone wants to destroy the world, have them kill you. Your children will avenge your death.
  • Getting angry is the only way to win a fight.
  • Remember, children, if you find some MacGuffins and wish hard enough, Grandpa can come back!
  • No, your goldfish didn't die, he went to another dimension. Right now he's training with his goldfish buddies.
  • If the creepy old hermit you're staying with is a lecherous pervert, he doesn't need to be reported to the authorities - just punch him in the face occasionally! True, he is an insanely powerful martial artist, hundreds of times stronger than you and could probably rape you without any effort whatsoever... just keep tolerating him, and I'm sure nothing bad will ever happen! it's not as if the only reason you've ever been able to defend yourself against him in the past is because he's never actually tried to defend himself is it...?
    • Constantly ogling and groping women will make you a Lovable Sex Maniac. No woman will be traumatized by your actions and see you as a sick person, not at all!
  • No matter what you do, your mother will think you're a monster.
  • To hell with knowledge and trying to lead a normal life. To hell with your wife and child's feelings about you being gone for the Nth time. All that matters is that you get to go off and do what you want to do.
  • Alien creatures who used to try and kill you are better at being fathers toward your children than yourself. So, kids! Feel free to go toward that angry guy that hates everyone, because he secretly likes you!
  • If you're yelling at your husband for wanting to take your child to fight life-threatening villains instead of getting an education and living like any regular child, you're just a bitch.
    • It's completely irrational for you to get angry with the fact that your son is going to a far away planet where he can possibly get killed, especially if you haven't seen him in a year. Aren't you such a bitch for freaking out and caring about your son's well-being?
    • You should never, ever, EVER have any say in your own child's emotional and physical well being, even if you do make valid points and you didn't see your child for a whole year after a dangerous fight.
    • The green monster who kidnapped your son and killed your husband should automatically get your respect, simply because your son respects and admires him. Ditto to the creepy old hermit who sexually harasses women by physically groping them every chance he gets. Also, the guy who broke all of your husband's bones and harmed your son should get your respect as well.
  • When you've so terrified and abused your family to the point of submission just to make you happy and place your first son's studies unreasonably over the welfare of your husband and second child, that makes you a good wife and mother.
    • When you claim to value logic and common sense, displaying overemotional stubbornness makes you reasonable.
    • Also, when people band together to risk their own lives to save the planet, sacrificing their own safety and personal comfort to protect billions of lives who will never even know who rescued them, they are bad guys who belong in a gang.
  • Being a fighter is way better than being an educated scholar. You're not worth anything if you aren't a strong fighter.
    • If your son would rather be a scholar than fighter, something is definitely wrong with him.
    • If your son wants to go on a date the same day of the world tournament is on, that's not right, you should force him to cancel immediately.
    • Being strong is more important than family. A kid you fought in a tournament has potential to become a strong fighter, so you should go tell your wife and granddaughter to go "fuck themselves" and go train that kid somewhere far away.
  • How to never die: all you have to do is take all the credit for saving the world and people would forsake their exponentially stronger 7 year-old son and his 8 year-old friend to save your worthless ass.
  • Even if you’re potentially stronger than the Omnicidal Maniac while fused, NEVER take the fight seriously. Despite the fact he killed your wives/mothers and absorbed your sons.
  • Need to buy time? Sacrifice everybody who’s not in the immediate vicinity because you can revive them later.
  • The possibility of being disqualified at a tournament is more important than a human life. So, don't interfere.
    • What, you want to interfere in the fight? No no no, there will be none of that. You need to calm down.
    • What, he's going to kill her, you say? Too bad, rules are rules.
  • Genocide is easily forgivable.
    • You can be an arrogant, haughty, narcissistic, selfish, Ax-Crazy ruthless villain and and a girl will dump her long-term boyfriend and fall head over heels for you.
    • Just make sure to be directly responsible for said long-term boyfriend's death. Women love a dominant male.
    • Nice guys suck... bad boys are the way to go!
    • Just like in Star Wars, you can be the second baddest person in the galaxy, cause untold suffering and pain, yet sacrificing your life to save your family puts you on the side of good.
    • Having a mid-life crisis? Just kill several dozen people, sell yourself into slavery, and turn on your rival-turned-friend when the fate of the world is at stake, because getting a new car is so overrated.
  • It's perfectly acceptable to endanger the lives of everyone on the planet, just so long as you get a good fight out of it.
  • Have a plan of luring out the Arc Villain. Use a powerful but innocent bystander as bait. Don't worry , at you can heal him!
  • If you want to fight deadly cyborgs, that a Kid from the Future told you that they created a hellish future where your son and friends are dead, ignore your friend's suggestion to find and stop the Mad Scientist from making them.
  • If you're strong enough to defeat the Big Bad, hide that fact from everyone and entrust the fate of the universe to two bratty children.
  • Toddlers who freak out about being kidnapped by their evil relatives and then getting kidnapped again by the demon king are big wusses who need to toughen up.
  • Is your kid going on a moody rampage? Or was, and you don't want it to happen again? Rip one of their fucking limbs off. That'll make 'em settle down.
  • If your dragon rises up out of your balls, then the panties will appear as soon as you ask for them.
  • Is your girlfriend too strong and independent? Does she want to fight alongside you? Don't worry, all she needs to do is get the crap beaten out of her at the tournament. After that, she'll be a lot more subservient. That's what she gets for not surrendering.
    • On that note, being The Determinator is always a good thing, unless your allies are stronger than you. In that case, you should just give up and leave it to your stronger allies to fight instead.
    • If you act like a total bitch, almost getting killed in a tournament is very good karma for you.
  • Lying constantly will lead you to becoming the most famous person in the world and you will never be exposed for the fraud that you are. It becomes effective when people forget about the real fighters after a certain amount of years.
  • When forced to choose between saving your own family and friends and protecting the lives of a fraud and a kid you barely met, let your kids rot.
  • When you are fully aware of the location of the source of danger to your friends and acquaintances, don't tell them, come up with an alternate solution, and when that fails, lay the blame on their door for when things go wrong.
  • Bullying and abusing your Kid from the Future and regretting it the last minute automatically makes you a good parent.