"A DARKNESS APPROACHES! A DAY WILL COME IN THE FUTURE WHEN EVERYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT WILL CHANGE! UNTIL THEN, I'LL BE WATCHING YOU! I'LL BE WATCHING YOU!"
SURE, I'M INSANE. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
FOR BEST RESULTS, IMAGINE THIS WHOLE PAGE YELLED BY A CRAZY AND NERDY MAN ATTEMPTING A HIGH-PITCHED AND TERRIBLE DAVID LYNCH IMPRESSION. HERE'S A VIDEO LINK FOR YOU LAZY LOSERS!
WELL, WELL, WELL! HEY THERE, TROPE EXPLORER! THE NAME'S BILL CIPHER! YOU KIDS MIGHT KNOW ME FROM A CERTAIN POPULAR SHOW CALLED GRAVITY FALLS. IF NOT, LET ME GIVE YOU A RUNDOWN! OH, NO, NO, I INSIST! LUCKILY FOR YOU, YOU OVER-INDULGENT ANTISOCIAL TROLL, I'M NOT ACCEPTING OFFERINGS AT THIS TIME AS I BESTOW UNHOLY KNOWLEDGE! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLOOD, DECAPITATED PUDGY DIGITS, RECORDED SCREAMS, AND MEMORABILIA OF MYSELF! NOW TAPE YOUR EYEBALLS OPEN, TAKE A SEAT, AND KEEP SCROLLING DOWN MY PAGE AS YOU GAZE UPON A SLIVER OF SURREPTITIOUS ERUDITIONS THAT SAGES AND CULTS HAVE CLAMORED IN DESPERATION FOR! MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE WHILE I GET A NICE, WARM, GLASS OF LEAD-BASED PAINT. EVERGREEN'S MY FAVORITE.
SO ANYWAY: I'VE BEEN RESIDING IN THE NIGHTMARE REALM FOR EONS, LONG BEFORE YOUR MEAGER UNIVERSE CAME TO FRUITION. WHILE I COULD INTERACT WITH YOUR UNIVERSE EVERY NOW AND THEN BY TRICKING ONE OF YOU PEONS INTO GIVING ME YOUR BODY, I WAS UNABLE TO TRULY ENTER YOUR DIMENSIONAL PLANE, AS YOUR REALM CANNOT COMPREHEND MY EXISTENCE! BOY OH BOY, HOW I LONGED TO BE "PART OF YOUR WOOOOOORLD!".
THEN ONE DAY, THIS UNFORTUNATE HUMAN NAMED STANFORD PINES CAME HERE INTO GRAVITY FALLS RESEARCHING ALL THE CRAZY STUFF GOING ON AROUND HERE. I ASSURE YOU IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I USED HIM LIKE A PAWN (I WISH I COULD DO IT AGAIN, TRICKING HIM WAS SO MUCH FUN!) AFTERWARD, I FINALLY GOT THE BRAINIAC TO BUILD A PORTAL! HA! ALL FOR WEIRDMAGEDDON! SADLY, HE SHUT IT DOWN! OH, I WISH I COULD TEAR HIM UP LIMB FROM LIMB!
SIXER'S BROTHER, FEZ CAME ALONG WITH HIS NEPHEW AND NIECE, PINE TREE AND SHOOTING STAR! I INSIST CALLING THEM THAT. THEIR REAL NAMES ARE REALLY STUPID. PINE TREE FOUND ABOUT ME ONCE AND GOT IN MY WAY. I THANKFULLY RETREATED AND THEN I POSSESSED HIM! BURNING, STABBING AND PUNCHING IS JUST SO MUCH FUN! HA HA HA HA! HE THEN HAD THIS RIFT FROM A PORTAL AND BY USING HIS SORRY SISTER AS A PAWN, I TOOK OVER THE WORLD!
...AND THEN I GOT FOILED. WHAT'S LEFT OF ME IS PROBABLY STUCK IN A STATUE COLLECTING MOSS IN THE MIDDLE OF OREGON. BUT AS FAR AS THIS GLORIOUSLY LIFE-RUINING WEBSITE IS CONCERNED, THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE! AND IF YOU DARE MENTION IT TO MY FACE, I MAY JUST HAVE TO REARRANGE YOURS. BUT THE POINT IS, I'M BACK TO WRITE MY PAGE! AND JUST KNOW, I'LL BE WATCHING YOU.
MY VERY LOVELY TROPES:
- Ancient Evil: LOOK THROUGHOUT YOUR PUNY RACE'S HISTORY, SUNNY JIM. I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES, FAR BEYOND WHAT YOUR MIND CAN COMPREHEND! HA! SURE GUYS LIKE PURPLE PUSS AND THAT TERUMI CHUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN A HEAD-START ON ME, BUT LOOK AT 'EM NOW! ONE KEEPS GETTING DUMPED BY HIS "GIRLFRIEND", AND ONE GOT BEATEN BY A WALKING CLICHE! AS FOR OL' ROCKY THERE, I'VE BEEN TOLD NOT TO MESS WITH HIM, LEST I BECOME A SCORCH MARK!note
- Apocalypse How: MY BELOVED WEIRDMAGEDDON! TIME IS DEAD AND MEANING HAS NO MEANING! IT'S THE ULTIMATE PARTY!
- Arch-Enemy: I'VE MADE A LOT OF THESE THROUGHOUT MY LIFETIME. WELL, AS THEY SAY. YOU KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
- Ax-Crazy: YES, YES, I KNOW I'M INSANE AND I'M QUITE PROUD OF IT!
- Badass Adorable: HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING ME ADORABLE?!
- Beware the Silly Ones: YOU THINK I'M ALL FUN AND GAMES? HA! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M LIKE WHEN I'M MAD?!
- Big Bad: YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE ULTIMATE VILLAIN OF THE WHOLE SHOW!
- The Cameo: I'VE BEEN AROUND OTHER YELLOW BEINGS WHOSE UNIVERSE POSSESSES A STARK OBSESSION OF HUMOR AND ODDITIES, MUCH LIKE ME! THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT THEY'RE RELATIVELY NORMAL! AND BY THE BY...
- Caps Lock: ONE OF YOU EAGER HUMANS ASKED ME ABOUT WHY I TYPED THIS WAY IN MY AMA AND ON HERE! IT'S BECAUSE I THINK IN ALL CAPS!
- Card-Carrying Villain: LOOK, I ALREADY KNOW I'M A MANIAC. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO KEEP POINTING THAT OUT.
- Cloud Cuckoo Lander: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT DEER TEETH? Gideon: I still shiver when I remember being given them.
- Complete Monster: IF CLASSIFYING ME AS "EVIL" IN YOUR LAUGHABLE CONSTRUCT CALLED "MORALITY" HELPS YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN BRAINS COMPREHEND ME, THEN SURE I GUESS!
- Deal with the Devil: I'LL MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE IF YOU HELP ME WITH MY PLANS.
- Demonic Possession: I JUST LOVE DOING THIS! PAIN IS HILARIOUS! TOO BAD FOR THE VICTIM, THOUGH! Dipper: That was my worst day ever! I had to use a spare sock puppet Mabel made so I could tell her what he did to me.
- Eldritch Abomination: I AM ONE COMPARED TO YOU PATHETIC HUMANS, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I EXISTED BEFORE YOUR PUNY DIMENSION.
- Even Evil Has Standards: DON'T ASK SOMEONE IF THEY'RE EQUILATERAL OR NOT, YOU PERVERT!
- Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE HECK EMPATHY EVEN IS? I DON'T GET WHY SHOOTING STAR FELT SO BAD FOR TREATING HER BROTHER LIKE A PAWN! I TREATED FORDSIE LIKE ONE AND NOT ONCE DID I FEEL ANYTHING BUT JOY!
- Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BAD? OH, COME ON GUYS! I'M HILARIOUS! I'LL TURN THAT FROWN OF YOURS UPSIDE DOWN. LITERALLY.
- Evil Laugh: HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
- Eye Scream: STOP GOING FOR MY EYE!
- Grand Theft Me: I CAN POSSESS THE BODY OF ANYONE I CAN TRIC— I MEAN CONVINCE TO LET ME INTO THEIR HEAD. OF COURSE, WHILE I GET A KICK OUT OF HOW YOUR MEATSACKS CAN FEEL PAIN, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS MY OWN ALL-POWERFUL FORM.
- Hypocritical Humor: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING ME A HYPOCRITE CAUSE I CALLED THAT GIRL A MONSTER? SHE'S AN UNNATURAL FREAK!
- I Just Want to Be Free: MY OLD DIMENSION WAS SO BORING AND HAD WAY TOO MANY RESTRICTIONS, SO I LIBERATED IT! NOW, I WANT TO FREE YOUR DIMENSION TOO!
- Lack of Empathy: WHAT THE HECK EVEN IS THAT? IT IS SOMETHING YOU CAN SPREAD ON A POP-TART? DOES IT CONTAIN CHOLESTEROL AND/OR FLUORIDE? IS IT IN ANY WAY RELATED TO THAT STRANGE THING THEY CALL "GOOEY-ELT"? SHOULD I BE CONCERNED OR ELATED ABOUT LACKING IT? GENUINE QUESTION.
- Laughably Evil: YOU SAY I'M EVIL, BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT MY LINES ARE COMEDY GOLD!
- Light Is Not Good: I'M GOLD COLOURED AND EVIL YOU KNOW!
- The Mad Hatter: I'M CRAZY AND I'M PROUD! AND I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHARE IT WITH YOU! ALL OF YOU.
- Manipulative Bastard: I KNOW HOW PEOPLE WORK, AND I MAKE FULL USE OF THAT KNOWLEDGE! IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST ASK STANFORD, PINE TREE, AND MABEL!
- My Parents Are Dead: MY ENTIRE FAMILY DIED EONS AGO. BECAUSE I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED THEM!
- The Nicknamer: I JUST LOVE GIVING EVERYONE NICKNAMES! THEIR REAL NAMES ARE TOO PATHETIC! AND DID I MENTION THAT "BILL CIPHER" IS NOT MY REAL NAME? IT IS BASICALLY A DIMENSIONAL USERNAME, A PRIMITIVE GRUNT DESIGNED FOR YOUR ANALOG EARS! IF YOU WERE TO HEAR MY REAL NAME, YOU'D EVAPORATE TO DUST WITH AN EXPRESSION OF HORROR AND ECSTASY ON YOUR FACE! WHICH WOULD BE FUN, BUT IT WOULD PROBABLY RUIN THE RUG!
- No Indoor Voice: AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M CONSTANTLY YELLING.
- Omnicidal Maniac: I LIBERATED MY DIMENSION AND I WANT TO DO THE SAME TO YOURS!
- The Omniscient: OH, I KNOW LOTS OF THINGS! LOTS OF THINGS.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: AS MENTIONED ABOVE, "BILL CIPHER" ISN'T MY REAL NAME. HONESTLY THOUGH, WHO THE HECK THOUGHT AN ANCIET INHUMAN ENTITY LIKE ME WOULD REALLY BE CALLED LIKE THAT?
- Pungeon Master: YES, EYE DO MAKE QUITE A LOT OF PUNS.
- Puny Earthlings: FORTUNATELY, YOUR FEEBLE-MINDED KIND LACKS THE ABILITY TO PLAY AROUND WITH THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME LIKE I DO. AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO HILARIOUS TO TORMENT YOU; YOUR SHEER, UTTER LACK OF COMPREHENSION. OH, HO HO HO! I CRACK MYSELF UP SOMETIMES.
- Psychic-Assisted Suicide: I WAS GONNA GIVE PINE TREE'S BODY A GRAND FINALE BY THROWING OFF THE WATER TOWER, SO THE POOR KID DIDN'T HAVE A HOME TO RETURN TO! TOO BAD MY PLANS WERE RUINED BY HIS STUPID, HALF-WIT SISTER! UGH!
- Reality Warper: AH, MY FAVORITE HOBBY! I DON'T THINK THERE IS A SINGLE THING MORE ENJOYABLE THAT RANDOMLY TURNING OFF THOSE STUPID, MATHEMATICS-BASED ANNOYANCES YOU CALL "THE LAWS OF PHYSICS". OR I COULD JUST SWITCH AROUND YOUR SENSORY ORGANS. OR MAYBE MAKE YOU GROW A NEW BODY PART; THAT'S ALWAYS A HOOT. UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN ONLY PRACTISE MY HOBBY IN DIMENSIONS I HAVE BEEN PHYSICALLY SUMMONED INTO.
- Sadist: PAIN IS HILARIOUS. EVERYONE'S PAIN IS. I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, AT LEAST HALF OF THE FUN IN TAKING YOU ON A SMALL TOUR BEHIND THE SCENES AND SHOWING YOU THE ZIPPER IN REALITY'S RUBBER SUIT IS WATCHING YOU SQUIRM. OH, PISH POSH, THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME. JUST GETTING TO RUIN THINGS AND HURTING PEOPLE IS REWARD ENOUGH IN ITSELF.
- Smug Snake: LET'S SEE. MY COMPETITION IS A BUNCH OF SNOT NOSED BRATS, THEIR GREAT UNCLES AND A GIANT TALKING BABY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?!
- Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny:
- YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! YOURS TRULY ENDED UP GOING UP AGAINST A TALKING SKELETON AND GAVE HIM A BAD TIME IN UNDER A MINUTE! UNFORTUNATELY THAT ANNOYING MUTT GOT RID OF ME BEFORE I COULD END HIS MISERABLE EXISTENCE FOR GETTING SPLINTERS IN MY EYE. I HOPE HIS FRANCHISE BOMBS ANYWAY.
- AND WHADDYA KNOW? THAT METAL-ARMED NERD AND HIS HILLBILLY FRIEND DECIDED TO PIT ME AGAINST SOMEONE WHO LOVES CHAOS AND MESSING WITH REALITY AS MUCH AS I DO. GET READY FOR THINGS TO GET WEIRD, FOLKS! AND WHAT DO YA KNOW, I PROVED TO BE THE BETTER CHAOS BRINGER! TOO BAD HE TRAPPED ME BACK IN THE NIGHTMARE REALM IN THE PROCESS! BUT NO BIG DEAL, I'VE DONE THIS ONCE ALREADY... *looks towards the reader before grabbing them and offering a flaming hand for a deal* WANNA MAKE A DEAL?!
- Villain Song: I WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNING TO CELEBRATE MY INAUGURATION AS GRAVITY FALL'S NEW EL GRANDE ENCHILADA IN STYLE, WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL LITTLE DITTY CALLED "IT'S GONNA GET WEIRD", BUT IT HAD TO BE CUT FOR TIME. SHOW BUSINESS CAN BE SUCH A FICKLE BALANCING ACT SOMETIMES, LET ME TELL YA.
- Villainous Breakdown: DIDN'T I TELL YOU I GOT FOILED? HUH?! GNAH, FINE. I GOT WHAT I WANTED, AND THOSE PESKY GNATS STILL DEFIED ME. IF THAT WASN'T IRRITATING ENOUGH, I WAS SO CLOSE TO TYING UP THAT LAST LOOSE END WITH THAT OLD LOON FORD, AND THEN THAT BICKERING FOOL AND HIS EQUALLY INSANE BROTHER GOT THE DROP ON ME... ME WHO CAN SEE EVERYTHING! IF YOU TALK ABOUT ME PATHETICALLY BEGGING FOR MY LIFE BEFORE GETTING ANNIHILATED FROM EXISTENCE AFTER THAT, I WILL PERSONALLY ENSURE THOSE WRINKLED WACKOS AND THEIR FRIENDS WILL NEVER FIND YOUR BODY!
- Weaksauce Weakness: HAVING ONLY ONE EYE PRACTICALLY MAKES YOU A TARGET! I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE. I SHOULD BE LUCKY THOSE BRATS DIDN'T HAVE CRAZY ANIME SWORDS LIKE DOGBOY'S TOOTH OR STRAWBERRY BOY'S OVERSIZED KITCHEN KNIFE OR THAT SWORD THAT TOOK DOWN MY PEER, AKU OR I'D BE REALLY IN TROUBLE!
- When Dimensions Collide: MY MASTER PLAN IS TO OPEN A GATEWAY BETWEEN MY NIGHTMARE REALM DIMENSION AND EARTH, USHERING IN THE GLORIOUS ERA OF WEIRDMAGGEDON! WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT TOOK OVER 1 BILLION YEARS TO COME TO FRUITION?
- Would Hurt a Child: AND TURN THEM INTO CORPSES!
- You're Insane!: PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME THIS ALL THE TIME. WELL, I KNOW I AM! AND ISN'T THAT JUST GREAT?!
REMEMBER, REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, THE UNIVERSE IS A HOLOGRAM, BUY GOLD, BYE!
