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Comic Books
I've primarily discovered that mortals like to rut and chronicle the experience pictorially.
—Loki discovers the internet, Journey into Mystery (Gillen)
Comic Strips
Jason: (using Compunet for the first time) Ms. October sure has big hooters.
Marcus: I wonder if that affects download time.
Marcus: I wonder if that affects download time.
— FoxTrot
Film
Jay: What the fuck is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Literature
Picture this scenario: It's 8 P.M. on a weekday night, and your 12-year-old child suddenly remembers that he has a major school report on the Spanish-American War due tomorrow. He needs to do some research, but the library is closed. No problem? Your cyber-savvy youngster simply turns on your computer, activates your modem, logs on to the Internet—the revolutionary "Information Superhighway"—and, in a matter of minutes, is exchanging pictures of naked women with other youngsters all over North America.
— Dave Barry in Cyberspace
The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Live-Action TV
On my Instagram, I like to put of pictures of things that interest me. I'll be like, 'Here's a picture of Buster Keaton on a bicycle!' Then my fans will be like, 'Hey, what're you doing later? I'd like you to come over and sit on my face.' I don't want to minimize their passion. But they're really into facesitting, the kids today.
—Natasha Lyonne, Ellen
I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the Internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called Bring Back the Porn!
For anyone out there who is not aware of the vast array of pornography on the Internet: you are about to become far less productive.
—Geraldo Rivera, My Name Is Earl
Jay: He's probably on the internet looking up the answers to the exam questions.
Neil: And then having a wank.
Simon: What?
Neil: Well, it's impossible, innit? I don't think I've ever been on the internet and not ended up having a wank.
Neil: And then having a wank.
Simon: What?
Neil: Well, it's impossible, innit? I don't think I've ever been on the internet and not ended up having a wank.
—series 2 episode 6, The Inbetweeners
Leslie: See Ann, the internet has more than just pictures of Naked Guys.
—Parks and Recreation, The Comeback Kid.
Music
"I love my computer
You're always in the mood
I get so turned on
When I turn on you"
You're always in the mood
I get so turned on
When I turn on you"
—"I Love My Computer", Bad Religion
"I get my love in a digital packet."
—"Trip Switch", Nothing but Thieves
"Internet porn! Roman orgy scenes!
Internet porn! Dominatrix queens!
Internet porn! Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep!"
Internet porn! Dominatrix queens!
Internet porn! Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep!"
— Da Vinci's Notebook, "Internet Porn.''
Theatre
The internet is for porn!
The internet is for porn!
Why you think the 'net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!
The internet is for porn!
Why you think the 'net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!
— Trekkie Monster, Avenue Q
Ed: So then porn...
There is a drug inside my head.
I just have to turn it on, fall into the screen, and I'm gone,
And no one talks about this at all. Oh, people laugh, oh, the hilarious scenarios:
The pizza man, the pool guy. We laugh it away, but that's what so insidious.
There is a drug inside my head.
I just have to turn it on, fall into the screen, and I'm gone,
And no one talks about this at all. Oh, people laugh, oh, the hilarious scenarios:
The pizza man, the pool guy. We laugh it away, but that's what so insidious.
This monster hides, subliminally corroding our minds, and I know it's complicated! I read all the articles,
I'm not some prude, religious conservative. I support sex workers, and sex positivity!
Let me take just a moment to signal my virtues by telling you all my pornography prefences.
Karly: You know I actually used to like porn? I loved the ones with a story, the female directed stuff.
Lesbian, step-sibling, massage, perfect European villas, good lighting and lingerie.
I love it when they make love, and you're like "Oh, that! That, that, that is the sex that I want!"
It can be so beautiful when two performers lock eyes, and you can see the joy and communion,
The ancient divine union of sex! We all know what sex is, right?! It's fucking god!
But porn is solitaire, scentless and safe! We have sucked the sacrament out of sex!
I'm not some prude, religious conservative. I support sex workers, and sex positivity!
Let me take just a moment to signal my virtues by telling you all my pornography prefences.
Karly: You know I actually used to like porn? I loved the ones with a story, the female directed stuff.
Lesbian, step-sibling, massage, perfect European villas, good lighting and lingerie.
I love it when they make love, and you're like "Oh, that! That, that, that is the sex that I want!"
It can be so beautiful when two performers lock eyes, and you can see the joy and communion,
The ancient divine union of sex! We all know what sex is, right?! It's fucking god!
But porn is solitaire, scentless and safe! We have sucked the sacrament out of sex!
Ed: Sex should be a rite of passage, but our kids are watching fisting pissing hitting pounding, and I don't wanna shame anyone's kink! It's fine if it's consensual.
But there's a level of psychological complexity there that I certainly didn't understand at 13! Much less at 11, or 9, it's catastrophic!
There is an erectile dysfunction epidemic that NOBODY talks about!
You know at least drug addicts and alcoholics are kind of cool,
Musicians, artists, their redemption stories are honored!
Someone has an AA chip, "good on you bro!"
But PORN?! No way, man!
No one fucking honors that!
But there's a level of psychological complexity there that I certainly didn't understand at 13! Much less at 11, or 9, it's catastrophic!
There is an erectile dysfunction epidemic that NOBODY talks about!
You know at least drug addicts and alcoholics are kind of cool,
Musicians, artists, their redemption stories are honored!
Someone has an AA chip, "good on you bro!"
But PORN?! No way, man!
No one fucking honors that!
Karly: And the porn dudes are always the ones that become such shits! The petty whiplash cruelty of a Manchild scorned!
Karly: You need to be gagged!
— "Solo", Octet
Web Original
Don't believe me? Just spend some time on your own comp-you tour. Take a look inside that big blue lower-case "e", and sex is everywhere. You don't even have to look for it. It comes to you. Girls strutting their stuff, guys pretending to be buff, but none is ever enough. Keep looking into the comp-you tour, and it only gets harder the deeper in you go. (Pun definitely intended.) You can see human men and woman in the act. And not just the act either. All sorts of acts. Deeds that, by no stretch of the imagination, would result in the birth of a human baby, but are mere indulgences of sex and its pleasures. ... I would fit right in.
For those of you who've seen the Internet before, you know where this is going. (And for those of you who haven't: Welcome! Don't waste any more time here; there's porn literally everywhere. Go, frolic!)
Anyway, expect 2011 here at the Comics Curmudgeon to bring you basically the same awesomeness that you've been getting for nearly seven years now, unless of course the newspaper comics industry completely collapses, in which case I'll turn the whole thing into a Mary Worth fetish porn site.
How many more stolen nipple pics do you need, internet? There’s only so many celebrities! Eventually the cloud hackers will run out of people to steal pictures from, and then what? What will you do then? Fap to stolen nipple pictures of famous cartoons? I don’t want to live in a world where I one day have to type the headline: 'She-Ra, Cheetara, and Heather from Denver the Last Dinosaur latest victims of online cloud hacker.'
—DListed
, "And Now Anna Kendrick Has Been Dragged Into This Fappening Mess"
, "And Now Anna Kendrick Has Been Dragged Into This Fappening Mess"There is a lot of truly amazing 'Computers!' and 'Internet!' talk in this movie, but the best of it comes from some Neo-Nazi dude who says "we can get a lot of good stuff – not just porn!" How is that not Amazon’s slogan to this day?''
The short-lived WWE Live Tour page (sponsored by K Mart!) decided to let people upload pictures. /wooo/ took advantage of this boneheaded mistake generous offer:
· A nude photo of former WWE Diva Tiffany (Taryn Terrell) from her Playboy modeling days
· A graphic still of Chyna’s genitalia from the 2004 adult film/sex tape/crime against humanity One Night in Chyna
· A photo depicting TNA Wrestling broadcasters Mike Tenay and Don West looking on with approval
· A photo of The Miz with lettering reading “I can fap to that”.
Stephanie McMahon (who oversaw the website) called an emergency meeting upon learning of the situation. “Everyone was said to be blaming everyone else,” according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
· A nude photo of former WWE Diva Tiffany (Taryn Terrell) from her Playboy modeling days
· A graphic still of Chyna’s genitalia from the 2004 adult film/sex tape/crime against humanity One Night in Chyna
· A photo depicting TNA Wrestling broadcasters Mike Tenay and Don West looking on with approval
· A photo of The Miz with lettering reading “I can fap to that”.
Stephanie McMahon (who oversaw the website) called an emergency meeting upon learning of the situation. “Everyone was said to be blaming everyone else,” according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter.
—Taimapedia
They say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. So let’s take a look at the search terms that have been bringing people to this blog lately and see which visitors arrived like perfectly normal, well-adjusted humans by metaphorically walking or taking the bus, and who turned up in a rocketship shaped like a giant ejaculating penis.
Well that’s great. anything with the word ‘frantic’ in it is obviously not some random straggler, but someone who fired up Google specifically to find out more information about my books. Frantic = good news for Millard!
Oh.
frantic planet
frantic planet 2
frantic planet review
Well that’s great. anything with the word ‘frantic’ in it is obviously not some random straggler, but someone who fired up Google specifically to find out more information about my books. Frantic = good news for Millard!
frantic black cock riding tube
Oh.
—Stuart Millard, Frantic Planet
, Frantic PlanetThe Internet is not for porn. The Internet is for advertising. Advertising porn.
—Anonymous telling it like it is.
In the future, there will be a superconnected global network of billions of adding machines, each one of which has more power than all pre-1901 adding machines put together. One of the primary uses of this network will be to transport moving pictures of lesbian sex by pretending they are made out of numbers.
If porn was removed from the internet there sites like "A Chronological History of Porno Sites: Evidence of Pornography's Popularity (And Why It Should Return To the Internet)", "Top 10 Porn Sites You Never Heard of But Will Never Be Able to Visit", "A Systematic Study On Whether Or Not Porn Should Return to the Internet", and "Pornopedia: The Global Resource on Pornography". Don't make fun of me, i get very bored sometimes..."
— drayman101,the highest rated comment on the above video
(917): his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
(847): His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
(713): Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Epsilon: Trying to find porn on the internet is like trying to find hay in a haystack.
— Bash.org Quote #50118
Web Videos
"I typed in "show me your boobs" into Google Image Search, and it did! It's like that robot I made, only it totally works! I typed in 'porn', and porn came up. I typed in 'breakfast', and porn came up. IT'S THE PERFECT SYSTEM!"
— Michael Swaim, Agents of Cracked, episode 1x05: "The Web of Sites"
I'm not paying a hundred bucks for porn. I've got the internet, dammit.
— Linkara on why he won't review Lost Girls
Joel's Dad: Joel? Joel? Did you download boobs again, Joel?
Joel: N-no Dad, no no--
Joel's Dad: Joel?? JOEL??!
Joel: I tried my best as a child. I ate my spinach. I did my homework. But GIF boobs? Too tempting for this lamb of God.
Joel: N-no Dad, no no--
Joel's Dad: Joel?? JOEL??!
Joel: I tried my best as a child. I ate my spinach. I did my homework. But GIF boobs? Too tempting for this lamb of God.
"Real sorry fellas. But if you wanna see tits on the internet, just go anywhere else. It's the internet."
— Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews, Bordello of Blood
"Welcome to Google Feud, the game where you try to guess what Google's gonna guess when you're trying to look up porn! Unless you're not looking up porn, and if you're not, what are you doing with your life? Come on! What else is the internet for?"
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: Conservatively, what percentage of our platform is porn?
Assistant: Nine... (9%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: Nine percent?
Assistant: Ninety... (90%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: NINETY?!
Assistant: ...eight. (98%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Assistant: Nine... (9%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: Nine percent?
Assistant: Ninety... (90%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: NINETY?!
Assistant: ...eight. (98%)
Harry Pancake, Tumblr CEO: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Western Animation
Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex.
—Philip J. Fry, Futurama
Carl: You're the Internet's #1 non-porno site.
Lenny: Which makes you ten-trillionth overall.
Lenny: Which makes you ten-trillionth overall.
"Yeah man I tell you what that dang ol' internet man you just go right on there and point and click get that talking about w-w-dot-w-com mean you got them- got nekkid chicks on there man just go click click clickclickclickclickclickclickclick it's real easy man."
— Boomhauer, King of the Hill
Brain: The Internet is the most powerful information-sharing tool ever devised. And do you know what most humans use it for?
Pinky: I do, but I don't think I can say it.
Brain: Surprisingly, no, Pinky.
—Animaniacs (2020), "Of Mice and Memes"
Grim: Is this the website?
Wiggly: No, you typed it wrong. There are two S's in—
Grim: WHOA! Hey now, don't look at this! This isn't for children to see!
Wiggly: No, you typed it wrong. There are two S's in—
Grim: WHOA! Hey now, don't look at this! This isn't for children to see!
— The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, "The Secret Snake Club"
Real Life
I am not an enthusiast of a young person sitting in front of a computer, watching video clips and pornography while sipping a bottle of beer and voting when he feels like it.
—Jaroslaw Kaczynski, former Polish prime minister
Half the internet is porn and you need to be where the voters are — including a porn site.
—Joachim B. Olsen
