"Me, nice?! I've never been nice in my life! I'm allergic to nice!"
— Bowser Koopa, The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3
Namine: So why were you saying Zex wouldn't help us?
Axel: Cause he's a jerk.
Zexion: It's true, I am a jerk.
"Why do you put so much energy into pissing people off?"
— Kagura, Azumanga Daioh
"There are men in this world who go about demanding to be killed. They argue in gambling games; they jump out of their cars in a rage if someone so much as scratches their fender. These people wander through the streets calling out "Kill me, kill me." Luca Brasi was such a man. And since he wasn't scared of death, and in fact, looked for it... I made him my weapon. Because I was the only person in the world that he truly hoped would not kill him."
— Vito Corleone, The Godfather
"You know, there's a word for people like you. I'll give you a hint: It starts with 'bi' and it ends with 'otch'."
—Eikichi Onizuka, Great Teacher Onizuka
"It can't be sustainable for him to be so casually insulting to everyone."
—- Hisao Nakai, Katawa Shoujo
"You know, Cooper...I've only been around you a minute or two, but that's enough time for me to know that I don't like you very much."
— Ben, Night of the Living Dead (1990 version)
"OH MY GOD! YOU LEFT A SEARCH FOR A LOST CHILD TO FUCK THE MAIL-LADY!? First, the sandwiches; then the evil laughter; now, abandoning a child to get laid! [...] I can't take this guy, I really can't. He isn't just an asshole, he's like, a compilation of assholes to make the world's biggest asshole! The Six-Million Dollar Asshole!"
"This has to be the most selfish, male-depending, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your entire life! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL!!!"
"Let's be clear here. We're talking about a person that a couple of total assholes find rude."
"You seem unhappy. I like that."
— Janitor, Scrubs
I was sitting in a local Starbucks, silently kicking ass with a book, and a man came in asking for a double diet frapacheeny decaf ventie some shit. The guy behind the counter said, "Ooooh... we're out of that."
Man: "Oh. Well then I'll have..."
Starbucks: "Ha ha ha, I was being SARCASTIC. We have [whatever]."
After the man left, the people who worked there wiped their sense off on their aprons and called the guy an idiot. An idiot for believing what the coffee kid told him. If believing things that clerks say makes a person an idiot, then that makes every person on the planet an idiot, including me, and that's medically impossible. I was a little confused at the time, but I didn't ask the brilliant kid wiping the counter to explain it to me. On the ride home I realized it was funny because he said he didn't have the thing, but he really did have the thing. All that man had to do to know it was a joke was sneak in the back to check the shop's inventory, make sure all their machines were working, and get back out as silent as the night. That coffee-ordering man really was an idiot. It proves the theory that the only true geniuses we have left are the people doing inventory at Starbucks.
—Seanbaby, "Why We're Sarcastic"
(In response to a Q&A session from a man who survived the Virginia Tech shootings)
I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS FOR YOU BUT, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH, I WAS NICE AND INCLUDED THE ANSWERS TOO.
Q: WHAT'S VIRGINIA TECH'S FAVORITE WAY OF CONSUMING ALCOHOL?
Q: WHAT DOES ANTARCTICA AND VIRGINIA TECH HAVE IN COMMON?
A: THEY'RE BOTH -32
(Later, after the list of victims was posted.)
"The selfish man is like a mangy dog chasing a cautionary tale."
—Sergeant Calhoun, (describing Turbo), Wreck-It Ralph
"I aspire to more creativity than the common asshole. I'm more of a ... class-hole, if you will."
—Black Hat Guy, xkcd
"You're so unpleasant even I'm impressed. Do you visit orphanages to explain there's no Santa?"
— Emma Frost, X-Men
Noah: I'm going to enjoy taking control of your body, Kaiba. The first thing I'm going to do is make a big donation to the local children's hospital, and then I'm going to give all the Kaiba Corporation employees a big raise.
Kaiba: You will do no such thing!