Quotes: Designated Hero

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But don't you know that no one alive
Can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
The Animals, "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"

Took a shot in the dark
Though the aim was true,
Still it missed the mark
As we wait for a hero we can't find
Now I know, now I realize
It's a hard line
Once you cross you're on your own
Slash, "No More Heroes"

I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man.
— The Stranger on The Dude, The Big Lebowski

We need someone who can look into this... someone brave and fearless who can get the job done! But all we have is Crash, so he'll have to do.

Clara: What do you keep in here? Why have you got zombie creatures? Good guys do not have zombie creatures. Rule one basic storytelling.
Doctor: (Not in front of the guests.)

Beating people up in little room... he knew where that led. And if you did it for a good reason, you'd do it for a bad one. You couldn't say 'we're the good guys' and do bad-guy things.
Thud!, Terry Pratchett.

I'm starting to wonder which side is supposed to be the bad guys...
— Haken, Endless Frontier

According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were done and we were nearby.

Legolas: We defeated a balrog, you know.
DM: You didn't defeat it.
Legolas: Well, we faced a balrog.
DM: You ran away from it!
Legolas: Okay, fine. We were near a balrog. For several seconds.
DM: Wow, you guys must be so proud. Maybe you guys can find a bard and have your story of heroic balrog proximity put into verse.

...Ladies and Gentlemen? Our hero.

Shinji runs off, finally this series could get interesting! We spend forever watching him 'Run away'. This basically consists of watching him ride the train and listen to his headphones. His emo is complete. His travels basically get him fired, rehired... Am I supposed to feel his frustration here, or is this sinking feeling in my gut going to get the better of me?

Archie had an immense talent for crushing girls' souls. He was the Michael Jordan and Wilt Chamberlain of emotional abuse. In fact, if we kept statistics on torturing women, Jordan and Wilt would technically be the Little Archies of basketball...This is supposed to be some cute story, but if you had a 10-year-old daughter with an alcoholic boyfriend, this is no different from the educational pamphlet her therapist would give her.

We’ve reached the inevitable stage in any Spider-Man plot where our protagonist decides that 'hmmm, wouldn’t it be easier and more lucrative for someone else to do my job? And if I were to let them, wouldn’t I be the real hero? Sure, probably!'

"Let's see: We've got vandalism, destruction of property, endangering innocent bystanders— It's official! Our heroes are douchebags!"
—Il Neige, What We Had To Watch

There are games for all kinds of people: there are games for rappers and games for graffiti artists and games for people who feel up girls on Japanese subway trains, but there have never been any decent games for white supremacists. That is, until Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, a rip-snorting adventure in which a waspish manly man runs around slaughtering everyone who had the poor judgement to not be born white.

This song should always be softly playing in Squall's dorm room. During any of the sequences in which Squall is sulking on his bed, the volume should progressively rise until it becomes unbearable. As far as I'm concerned, Squall's gunblade case should be sitting beneath an OK Computer poster.

This is our hero, ladies and gentlemen. She just decided in the span of thirty seconds to eradicate virtually the entire human race.

Norman is supposed to be the logical grounding the crew needs. He may not be brilliant like all the Phd’s that come on the expedition, but he brings common sense and he is the voice of reason among the crew who is becoming increasingly more paranoid. In the movie he is an incompetent dipshit who freaks out the most and is terrible at his profession. For being the best psychologist for crises situations, his idea of comforting people is condescending and talking to them like they are infants. For being someone grounded in logical thinking, whenever he is put in a dangerous situation he is practically running around the room flailing his arms going 'BLLLAAAARGH WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO? WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!'.

Your hero is stealing from a hospital? Do you think that would sound good on a movie poster? Patch Adams: He steals from hospitals. I WOULDN'T SEE THAT!''

So, I think it's safe to say that I'm pretty much known as 'The Twistmaster.' And at this point in any, uh, 'M. Knight Joint', is where you could expect the twist, and, and—in this case it's no different. In this case, the twist, however, is, uh... Jaden saves the day. Now, I know that Jaden's character has spent the whole movie running away from his enemies, making a series of bad decisions, and just crying. But...that's what a twist is! It subverts your expectations! You all just assumed that Jaden was gonna die at the hands of this creature, 'cause that's what should have happened. And that's how you just got Shyamalan'ed!

And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

A chopper lands and our hero finally makes his entrance. He's shot in the shadows and... holy mother of god. I thought wearing black was supposed to have a slimming effect! ... You know, I've decided to simply refuse to accept that Cody is our hero. I'm convinced he's going to get killed twenty minutes in, and Kurt Russell will take over. Hell, I'd settle for Nipsey Russell taking over at this point.
The Agony Booth on Submerged (2005)

Matt: Professor X just plain states he has been messing with Jean Grey’s mind since she was a kid...So rather than being a bird made of fire from space, Phoenix is Jean Grey’s other personality, the one Professor X actually created by putting psychic blocks in Jean’s mind. It’s less crazy, I guess, but it makes Xavier kind of not someone the audience should like anymore? Wolverine even says so.
Chris: And Professor X’s response is, in essence, “Nuh uh, shut up.” And then Wolverine leaves.
—Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Captain Janeway is the only character we've seen past the ending of the final episode of Voyager. In any sane universe, she should have, at best, been formally reprimanded, and at worst imprisoned. Instead we find she has been promoted to the rank of admiral, and we actually see her order Jean-luc Picard to the Romulan homeworld. Janeway, who couldn't search for a group of terrorists without screwing it up, is ordering around a man who almost single-handedly prevented a Borg conquest of Earth, revealed the Bluegill conspiracy, and helped halt the Klingon Civil War. Janeway isn't worthy to order his 'Tea, Earl Grey, Hot' from the replicator, nevermind his ship. If there were any justice in Trek, she would be confined to a mining colony with the important task of turning big rocks into small ones.
SFDebris on Star Trek: Voyager, "Caretaker"

For a split second I was cheering for Janeway when she suggested it wasn’t fair that they expect Starfleet behaviour from ex Marquis members who never went to the Academy…but then she suggests brainwashing them to the Starfleet way! Its no better than religious conversion! By gently tweaking a famous saying of Hitler’s we can see Janeway in a new dictatorial light: 'My magnificent crew! Are there finer ones anywhere in the world? What material! With them I can make the Delta Quadrant conform to Starfleet rules of conduct!' Seig Heil! Heil Janeway!
Doc Oho on Star Trek: Voyager, Learning Curves"

Archer was played by Scott Bakula, an actor best known for his “aw shucks” persona, and the character he played reflected that . The thing about Captain Archer is that he’s not very good at his job. He’s the first Star Trek captain who seems to have absolutely no idea what he’s doing. It makes sense, he’s the first to be out there doing it. Starfleet had no way to know what kind of man they’d need sitting in their first Warp 5 ship’s captain’s chair. In Jonathan Archer, they picked wrong.

The Archer Enterprise introduced us to initially was careless and sloppy. He fraternizes with the crew and treats his mission like he’s on some sort of galactic pleasure cruise. He’s not a bad guy or even a bad officer, he’s just not very well suited to being a starship commander. When things start to go wrong, he pouts. When things don’t go as planned, he complains that aliens are mean. As the missions get tougher he gets increasingly unhappy, miserable, even morose. He starts to scowl, yells at his crew, begins holding grudges, shooting first and asking questions later. Enterprise responds by glossing over his mistakes and telling us how great he is.

Baker’s Doctor isn’t just unlikable here. He’s intolerable. He’s an overtly bad person who any reasonable audience should actively dislike and want to see get his comeuppance. Whereas the series still visibly thinks he’s the hero. It’s not just that Baker’s Doctor is prickly and hard to like, it’s that he's a bad guy.

And I’m not just talking about the scene in which he strangles Peri. I mean, that’s an appalling bit of bad taste. No, I’m talking about everything that comes after that. The Doctor reacting to it by declaring that he’s going to be a hermit and effectively kidnapping Peri to spend the rest of her life tending to his needs. The Doctor’s complete failure, at any point in the story, to actually apologize to her for it. To, in fact, declare that he’s an alien bound to different values and customs and that he’s who he is whether she likes it or not. And her grinning broadly at him as he says it, clearly OK with this abusive bastard who tried to kill her not even caring about it.
Phil Sandifer on Doctor Who, "The Twin Dilemma"

We’re not talking about a manipulative schemer like the Seventh Doctor or a selfish jackass like the First Doctor in his early stories. The Sixth Doctor is just a jerk. He’s the kind of person we’d hate to have to bump into on the street, so asking us to root for him as part of a family-friendly science-fiction television show which is a British institution feels like a mistake.

At one point, the residents of Karfel ask the Doctor to retrieve a woman who fell into the Timelash, the tunnel through which they vanquish criminals and dissidents. Given he has a time machine, it seems a pretty fair request to make. However, the Sixth Doctor is having none of it. 'Retrieve it? You seriously expect me to go through space and time looking for a lost girl and her trinket? Give me one good reason why I should.' There’s a woman lost in time and space, and the Doctor can help. That should be reason enough.
Darren Mooney on Doctor Who, "Timelash"

This must be American Bandstand, because you’re a dick, Clark.
ComicsAlliance on Smallville ("Covenant")

Clark is such a douchebag toward Lex Luthor we actually feel sorry for the murdering prick.

Jor-El says, 'If you save Lana, someone else will die.'

''And Clark says, 'Okay, I'll kill someone.'

Just in case you missed that. Because I'm so mad I want to kick my own head so hard it doesn't land until I finish college. And I dropped out to write. I'm not finishing.
Neal Bailey on Smallville ("Reckoning")

The Desolation of Smaug made Thorin a sympathetic, heroic character... Here, he’s just a dick whose selfishness unleashes Smaug, which results in Lake-town getting destroyed, but then he refuses to provide them sanctuary. He somehow thinks that he and his 13 cohorts can fend off gigantic armies because he needs more gold than he could ever use. All of this makes him despicable, but then the movie lets him off the hook by saying he has (deep breath) “dragon-sickness”. He’s just come down with an unfortunate ailment, and it’s not really his fault, so we can’t hold him too accountable for his actions; actions that resulted in the deaths of hundreds of innocent people. Additionally, splitting the movies from two installments to three becomes a serious liability because instead of at least watching Thorin fall into this terrible behavior, this is where he begins at Battle of the Five Armies, and we have to sit and wait for him to get better— not redeemed, because redemption implies recognizing personal wrongdoing.

And so the stage was set for the 49-year-old Johnny Ace’s first wrestling match in twelve years...Cena dealt with his feeble opponent the way a true sportsman would: by pummeling and degrading him. Sure, Laurinaitis had been acting like a bully for months, but viewed out of context, this 'match' made Cena look like total hypocrite, given his participation in the Be a STAR campaign.

Scratch that; even in context, Cena looked like a complete jerk, since all he had to do was pin his aged adversary to win the match and kick him out of the company. Instead, he entertained the audience with such tolerant and respectful antics as pulling Johnny’s shirt over his face, slapping him bare-backed, airplane-spinning him Fresh Prince-style, sounding the ring bell right next to Johnny’s head, and sticking the barely-conscious sap at the announce table for some mock-commentary, before denying Ace’s plea for mercy like a true champion...By the time John retrieved a bottle of water from ringside, fans feared we might see WWE’s first ever water-boarding.

Although I was a teen-age misanthrope, anti-hero Holden Caulfield is more dysfunctional than I ever was. My dream was for everyone I disliked to leave me alone. Holden, in contrast, habitually seeks out the company of people he dislikes, then quarrels with them when they act as expected... For Holden, the main symptom of phoniness is that someone appears to like something Holden doesn't. But he never wonders, 'Is it possible that other people sincerely like stuff I don't?'
Bryan Caplan, "What to Learn From The Catcher in the Rye

"Um, writers, here's a crash course on morality. Something you are clearly blind to, and that concerns me dearly. The guy who pays his employees in phony money, enslaves wild animals, spreads vicious rumors, counterfeits, forces his employees to work 24/7, and knowingly attempts to drive someone to suicide is usually considered the bad guy. Meanwhile we've got the other guy that does... Uh... Attempted thievery. I don't know. If I had to pick one or the other, I think I'd go with the thief in a heartbeat."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on. Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her. Now we’re going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her fucking head to use it as a weapon? There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes?"

"What kind of hero goes around punching women in the face?!"
— Mike Mattei, Street Fighter commentary

"Why is the main character even going after the Black Knight in the first place? For all I know, he's just pissed off that the country is less dependent on foreign imports, while the country's GDP has increased by 20 percent over the last five years!"
Urinating Tree on the protagonist from Dark Castle

"Oh, that Cacique! He was just, you know, a gardener, and [Kood and Luigi] are the invaders here. And yet, Weegee's, y'know, flashing [the] peace [sign] after committing invasive murder. Good job, dear hero! Truly you are an example for all the kids out there..."
raocow, during his LP of Drama Mistery

So there's the prologue of our book: Teenage sexual slavery and sexualized crucifixions.

Our. Fucking. Hero.

"This is the first and probably the most serious problem with the movie. [Inset name here], our supposed hero and protagonist, is an asshole! I mean (s)he doesn't listen to anyone, (s)he's not very nice, (s)he treats everyone around him/her like shit, and (s)he cares only about him/herself!"
Confused Matthew's stock description for the type. So far includes Simba, Anakin Skywaker, and Lyra.

Anyways, with the Drake Phantom dead, Magic Land starts to crumble while Haruto tells Maya they’ll meet again in the real world. Yes, you read that correctly, our hero willingly destroys a beautiful utopia just to appease one dude whose petty jealousy lead him to attempting mass genocide. And that makes him supposed to a be a tragic figure. Don’t worry, kids, if you’re jealous, just try to kill everyone and Kamen Rider will be your friend! In fact, when Haruto wakes up in the real world and sees his new best buddy with his own happy family, he declares, ad verbatim, that “this was worth destroying a world for”. Yeah, that totally happened, kids. Our great hero destroyed a beautiful utopia to help a latent mass murderer escape the law. Did you think I was joking when I said Haruto is a complete psychopath when he lied to a woman about her best friend’s death, because it would be too much of a hassle? Or when he assisted a man suspected of arson in escaping the law when the guy could have easily proven his innocence? Or when he ditched all of his friends to go sulk on abandoned beaches and talk sweet nothings to a ring? What a hero, guys. Haruto Souma truly is an example for us all. Holy Gaim, this movie sucks.
— The Glorio Blog on ''Kamen Rider Wizard In Magic Land

Yeah... NO PRESSURE TORY – just FORCING you to do something you don't want to so I can fulfil my selfish dreams of fighting this guy who I barely know... I'M SUCH A GREAT HERO.

So here we have Merida, the “hero” commit the act of a villain. With full consciousness and intention she gives her mother the cake to brainwash Elinor, to take away Elinor's own independent thought and free will, and change it to Merida's.
This isn't like Merida, at the height of her anger wishing that she could change her Mother that some passing by witch/star/ancient family ancestor decides to grant. No, Merida thinks about doing it, plans on doing it, and does it. I can't stress it enough that this wasn't an accident, it was deliberate and premeditated decision to harm her mother.
This isn't Merida bravely standing up and fighting for her own rights, this is Merida cowardly deciding to get her way by violating her own mother. She wants to get her own freedom by taking another person's away.
After taking a bite of the cake Elinor becomes violently ill. She starts groaning in pain, coughing, and acting completely unlike herself. How does Merida react to this disturbing behavior from her mother? She keeps asking if her mother has changed her mind.
Even when Elinor is laying down, writhing in pain to the point of falling off the bed and onto the ground Merida doesn’t show any concern. All she does is tell her mother that she'll go tell the tribes that the wedding is off. Merida accepted an unknown spell from a strange witch, now her mother is in immense pain, and all Merida cares about is making sure her arranged marriage is off. She doesn’t show one drop of concern, or remorse, or panic to this having been a bad idea. This is horrifying!
Cafcow, on Brave