It is a dark time: far to the north, the gate of chaos has opened once more. Archaon, Lord of End Times, had waged his insane war on the civilized world, although he was beaten back at the last moment, Chaos is still prevalent throughout the land: Beasts ravage the countryside, Mutation and Insanity are rife. Heroes are needed, heroes who will beat back the darkness, heroes the like of which who have better things to do than to save inbred, misbegotten peasants like these.
So, you lot will have to do. May the lords of ruination spare your souls.
Legolas: We defeated a balrog, you know.
DM: You didn't defeat it.
Legolas: Well, we faced a balrog.
DM: You ran away from it!
Legolas: Okay, fine. We were near a balrog. For several seconds.
DM: Wow, you guys must be so proud. Maybe you guys can find a bard and have your story of heroic balrog proximity put into verse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuck on. Medusa was a woman who turned down the sexual advances of a god, who then raped her, which caused another god to put a curse on her that turns anyone to stone when they look at her. Now we’re going to track down this poor woman who did nothing wrong and just wants to be left alone, then cut off her fucking head to use it as a weapon? There were like fifty writers on this screenplay and nobody realized the main characters are total wangholes?
"We need someone who can look into this... someone brave and fearless who can get the job done! But all we have is Crash, so he'll have to do."
— Aku Aku, Crash Bandicoot Purple: Ripto's Rampage
I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man.
— The Stranger, The Big Lebowski
...Ladies and Gentlemen? Our hero.
Beating people up in little room... he knew where that led. And if you did it for a good reason, you'd do it for a bad one. You couldn't say "we're the good guys" and do bad-guy things.
— Thud!, Terry Pratchett.
I'm starting to wonder which side is supposed to be the bad guys...
— Haken, Endless Frontier
According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were done and we were nearby.
Dupre: Well, twenty seconds in this place and I already hate it.
Steve the Avatar: You guys just have to have the right perspective on this. We're in a new world! A new place! A world where nobody knows us. A world whose problems we aren't indirectly responsible for. A world not full of the vengeful ghosts of our dead relatives and lovers. A world we probably won't destroy. Do you understand what this means?
Iolo: You'll finally stop-
"This has to be the most selfish, male-dependant, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your entire life! And honestly, that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL."
"What kind of hero goes around punching women in the face?"
— Mike Mattei, Street Fighter commentary
"Why is the main character even going after the Black Knight in the first place? For all I know, he's just pissed off that the country is less dependent on foreign imports, while the country's GDP has increased by 20 percent over the last five years!"
"If we are to survive, a new balance must be found. In normal times, evil would be fought by good. But in times like these, well, it should be fought by another kind of evil."
— Opening narration to The Chronicles of Riddick
"'...and then Jack chopped down the beanstalk, adding murder and ecological vandalism to the theft, enticement and tresspass charges already mentioned, but he got away with it and lived Happily Ever After without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done. Which proves that you can be excused just about anything if you're a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions.'"
"Despite their moniker of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" they do not enjoy the same popularity or respect as other teams. It's not surprising when you remember the team includes Thor, a god worshiped by marauding rapist barbarians; Giant Man, a wife beater; Iron Man, an alcoholic; and a certain green monster only famous for losing his shit and punching down buildings on a daily basis. And those are the famous guys. Makes you think Captain America only joined them to keep an eye on them."
"Oh, that Cacique! He was just, you know, a gardener, and [Kood and Luigi] are the invaders here. And yet, Weegee's, y'know, flashing [the] peace [sign] after committing invasive murder. Good job, dear hero! Truly you are an example for all the kids out there..."
—Raocow, during his LP of Drama Mistery
So there's the prologue of our book: Teenage sexual slavery and sexualized crucifixions.