Quotes: Bunny-Ears Lawyer

"Hide behind the mask of a fool, a drunk, or a madman to create confusion about your intentions and motivations. Lure your opponent into underestimating your ability until, overconfident, he drops his guard. Then you may attack."
— "Stratagem 27", The Thirty-Six Stratagems

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    Anime and Manga 

I'm surprised you can work this well when you're so drunk.

I may not look like it, but I am a professional!
Tachikoma, Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex

    Comic Books 

Wedge: I'm usually pretty good about taking orders.
Iella: "If occasionally reinterpreting them rather thoroughly.

    Film — Live-Action 

You know, you don't act like a scientist. You're more like a game show host.
Dane Barrett, Ghostbusters

He could have gone for General, but he went for himself instead. October 1967: On special assignment, Kurtz staged Operation Archangel with combined local forces. Rated a major success. He received no official clearance. He just thought it up and did it. What balls! They were gonna nail his ass to the floorboards for that one, but after the press got ahold of it, they promoted him to Full Colonel instead. Ah man, the bullshit piled up so fast in Vietnam, you needed wings to stay above it.
Willard, Apocalypse Now


Watson: I don’t think you need alarm yourself, I have usually found that there was method in his madness.
Inspector Forrester: Some folk might say there was madness in his method.
—Watson and Inspector Forrester on Sherlock Holmes.

He was clearly a bounder and a cad. He seemed to think because he was the possessor of the finest legal mind ever discovered that gave him the right to behave exactly as he liked, and unfortunately he appeared to be right.

Harry: Bunny slippers and polka music.
Murphy: Don't knock it. He's good at his job.
The Dresden Files, "Death Masks"

For top-level work, you need Zero pilots. Such men are not bound by the same rules as the expendables. If one of them feels like having a few drinks to relax after a hard day's work serving Allah, so be it."
"To a war commander, the higher the skill level, the higher the tolerance for off-duty conduct. Your best sniper has a preference for little girls, your top chopper-pilot's hobby is rape - so what?
Another Life by Andrew Vachss

    Live-Action TV 

This is just friendly advice, but give Sherlock five minutes on your crime scene and listen to everything he has to say. And as far as possible, try not to punch him.
Lestrade, Sherlock, "A Scandal in Belgravia"

I think you're brilliant. But there is a fine line between brilliance and lunacy.
Clark Kent to Lois Lane, Lois and Clark

Sarah-Jane Smith: Are you serious?
The Doctor: About what I do, yes. Not necessarily the way I do it.

Scully: First of all, if the family of Ronnie Strickland does indeed decide to sue the FBI for—I think the figure is $446 million—then you and I both will most certainly be co-defendants and second of all, (beat) I don't even have a "second of all", Mulder. $446 million. I'm in this as deep as you are and I'm not even the one that overreacted. I didn't do the (makes a stabbing motion) with the thing.
Mulder: I did not overreact. Ronnie Strickland was a vampire.
The X-Files, "Bad Blood"

Large intestine: 890 grams, yada yada yada. Stomach contents show last meal close to the time of death, consisting of pizza. Topped with pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms ... mushrooms ... That sounds really good.
Agent Dana Scully (the same episode)

Historically, I've had this problem with authority—no offense—so I realized the only way I could get away with being me was to be as indispensable as possible.
Charlie, Supernatural

You will be dealing with a highly strung and temperamental team of rank amateurs who just happen to be brilliant at what they do.
Lester: briefing Becker in Season 3 of Primeval

The son of a bitch is the best doctor we've got.
— Dr. Lisa Cuddy on why House is never fired from his job. (Until he was.)

Got your hands full with that one, eh, George?
General Michael E. Ryan (the actual Air Force Chief of Staff at the time), to Maj. Gen. George Hammond regarding Jack O'Neill (again), "Prodigy," Stargate SG-1

    Video Games 

Look, the difference between you 'sane' and you 'crazy' is that you drive slightly faster.

Major Zero: According to him, that mask is a revolutionary new design that lets the wearer blink, something that wasn't possible up until now.
Snake: I'd think you'd want to make the lips move before bothering with the blinking.
Major: Yeah, I thought so too, but for some reason he's obsessed with making it blink...
Snake: Whoever he is, he sounds like a crackpot.
Major: Mmm. Well, he does good work. But I spend three days a month just dealing with the complaints we get about him...
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater radio conversation about Sigint

Despite his eccentricities and cynical... och, he'll appreciate the honesty... downright unpleasant personality, Mr Montag does more for the safety and development of his students than he lets on. It's not an easy thing bringing these kids into a world frought with occult rites and secret handshakes: it takes a real bastard, even on the best of days. The competition for the most talented students, the petty jealousies and the ancient blood feuds between the most prominent institutions, and the more-and-less covert attempts at industrial espionage all take their toll... and of course, the deaths. Being responsible for every single life lost in the pursuit of knowledge would break less than an arrogant man. At least he lets us deal with the parents now: after those first couple of accidental self-immolations, some thought it best we kept him away from grieving relatives.
Annabel Usher, The Secret World


It seems you can't hire someone competent without them having an embarrassing hobby.
Hector, Antihero for Hire

People think I'm kidding when I tell them that the same guy who used a homemade grappling hook when the elevators were out is also the reason why this company is showing record profits.
—Marcy on Rayne Summers, Least I Could Do

    Web Original 

Chris: I will say, though, for a guy who refused to memorize his dialogue and read off cue cards, Brando does pretty well for himself.
David: Dude, he’s Marlon Brando. He probably flew to Krypton and lived there for ten years. Method acting!
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Superman

Joseph R. "Literally" "Big Fucking Deal" "Gates of Hell" Biden, Jr. is the current in a long list of gaffe-prone Vice Presidents of the United States who, at the same time, has managed to be one of Barack Obama's most important negotiators...In May of 2012, right in the middle of the re-election campaign, Biden misspoke (or maybe not), saying that "I am absolutely comfortable with gay marriage." This gaffe forced Obama to have to actually address the gay marriage issue head on. The President said he had evolved and now accepted gay marriage. This was one of several turning points in the campaign, so thank him for that.

If you’re looking for endless shots of dreadlocked men huffing smoke like desperate babies suckling on a green breast, then Snoop Dogg‘s Reincarnated is the documentary for you! Weed-obsession aside, it functions as a biography of a guy who’s led a super interesting life, although Snoop stopped being a real person somewhere around the late nineties. Despite his status as a living cartoon, the story of the night Tupac got shot would make a fine audition piece monologue.

There is something of a devil's bargain in the casting of Tom Baker. The main brief for a new Doctor was that they wanted an eccentric. For a while the part was expected to go to an elderly actor, but eventually Bill Slater, Head of Drama at the BBC, pointed Letts towards Tom Baker as someone who was suitably crazy for the part. The problem with casting someone for their craziness, however, is that, well, they're a bit crazy.
Dr. Phil Sandier

Although Highlander: The Series ran out of gas in its last season, it was still a highly acclaimed series that had a lot of fans. Naturally, that meant that Davis-Panzer Productions saw a chance to make more money out of it. They spent a good chunk of the sixth season of the series testing the waters for a spinoff show, featuring a lineup of new ass-kicking female immortals who would become the next main character. None of the new characters tested well, though, and as a result the producers went back to Amanda [Elizabeth Gracen], the likeable thief and on and off love interest of Duncan MacLeod. Amanda was beautiful, clever, witty, and had been a fan favorite for six years. The big question was, why did the producers waste so many episodes trying to find an ass-kicking female immortal when they already had Amanda?

The answer, it seems, is this: Elizabeth Gracen was fucking insane.

Dennis Rodman is such an inhuman creature that he has to sit next to Carrot Top to convince adventurers that he's not a hobgoblin. He has so many piercings that metal detectors think he's kidding when he tries to take his dick through them. His colorful hairstyles have inspired thousands of gay children to become landscapers. All that being said, he was really good at basketball. Dennis Rodman could pull a rebound through a garden hose with his mouth.

An athletically gifted, but terminally narcissistic, basketball player whose considerable assets are spoiled by his massive ego. Bryant has never been able to grasp the notion that the great players were made great by their ability to separate themselves from the dynamics of team basketball, thus allowing them to naturally cultivate whatever abilities in turn immortalized them. Because of this colossal character flaw, Bryant will never help an NBA franchise experience the success of which a Bryant-helmed team would otherwise be capable.

Kobe Bryant just took the buzzer-shot, even though he was being triple teamed, and a polar bear was chewing the flesh off his right foot, and he was eighty-four feet away from the basket. Why didn't he pass the basketball to one of his four ridiculously unguarded teammates?
Urban Dictionary on Kobe Bryant

Before he arrived in San Francisco, the Niners were cast adrift in a sea of green puke...And then (Jim) Harbaugh came in and turned everything around, and now he is gone, because the Niners are fucking stupid.

...There is no sane football-related reason for the Niners to let Harbaugh leave. Apparently, they're letting Harbaugh go simply because he was so insufferable to deal with, which … fine. I get why you might wear out after having Captain Jawclench as the head man for four years. But this man is a football coach, and football coaches are, by their very nature, insufferable. They work endless hours. They are humorless and often distant and aloof. They are endlessly demanding. Only a batshit crazy person would thrive in that job, and so Jim Harbaugh fits into the mold nicely. I don't know what other temperament you would like out of a head coach.
Drew Magary, "The Niners Are Fucking Stupid"

Bill Foster initially debuted in Avengers #32, penned in 1966 by Stan the Man himself. He is presented, without any comment or qualification, as the only scientist in America brilliant enough to act as Henry Pym’s lab assistant. He also appears during one of the better early Avengers storylines, where the team is fighting a group of coded white supremacists called the Sons of the Serpent.

Seriously, sit there and think about this shit for a second. In 1966, when most black people in the U.S. couldn’t even be assured of their voting rights because the Civil Rights war was still being fought, a New York Jew was writing about a brilliant black biochemist hanging out with the Avengers. Whatever else I have ever written, or will write, about Stan Lee’s writing prowess, I’ll say this: the man has balls of steel and a heart of gold.

Neal Adams is probably primarily known as a comic book and commercial artist, and was even inducted into Will Eisner Comic Book Hall of Fame in 1998. He is, however, also a wailingly insane crackpot. Adams, you see, rejects plate tectonics, particularly the theory of subduction — which he dismisses as a desperate attempt by geologists to save their hypothesis. Instead, Adams advocates the Expanding Earth theory, claiming that the Earth is not merely expanding by increasing its volume, but growing by manufacturing new atomic mass in its core. Adams also rejects most contemporary physics in the process (for instance gravity(!))...His view is explained in several wonderfully insane Youtube videos and a rather long graphic novel described by Wired as “Two table-pounding scientists — a radical theoretician and a strawman — work their way through a loooong conversation en route to a telegraphed conclusion: Everything we know is wrong. It's like My Dinner With Andre costarring L. Ron Hubbard.”

Adams has appeared on Coast To Coast AM several times to discuss his claims, something cynical skeptics claim doesn’t quite equal peer reviewed publications. Of course, Adams, however, perceives himself as a modern day Galileo.

I’m not breaking new ground. You hear this type of thing all the time: That most creative types are assholes, bastards and jerks. Kurt Vonnegut manufactured a very specific public image – a frazzled, cynical old hippie persona that colored his writing and endeared him to a generation — and then the biographies came out, stating that in reality, he was straight-laced, extremely selfish, often cruel and generally unloving person... I think, if Vonnegut truly was the friendly, sad old hippie he pretended to be, his books would have held little to no emotional impact. What made him such a compelling writer wasn’t that he was practically a saint who wrote books — it was that he was an asshole, trying as best he could to understand the saints around him. In his personal life, he failed. In his books, he succeeded. I wouldn’t want to share a tent with the guy, but then I probably wouldn’t enjoy the books of a guy that always picks up after himself, pays his bills on time and never plays his music too loud quite as much.

John Belushi was equal parts comedic genius and cocaine-possessed party demon, but the man was also a career performer and a reasonably talented actor. That means he at least made an effort to clean up for work, right? Let's save both you and the universe some time by never asking that question ever again. As a general rule, John Belushi was destroyed when he was on set, perhaps no more so than when filming The Blues Brothers...Aykroyd had to go on numerous adventures simply to locate his sky-high co-star and carry him back to work. On one occasion, Aykroyd found Belushi sleeping on a couch in a complete stranger's house at 3 o'clock in the morning. Aykroyd just kind of shook Belushi into a state of semi-consciousness and dragged him back to filming. Presumably a portion of Belushi's scenes in The Blues Brothers were actually performed by Aykroyd manipulating Belushi's drug-slumbering body like the titular corpse puppet in Weekend at Bernie's.

Robert A. Heinlein's novels, in my opinion, are very insightful books that usually have quite a lot to say. I think people read Heinlein novels not for the science fiction elements, but for the exploration of the human situation. Most of the time, he seems to explore social issues such as the role of the family, men, women, the military, the government. I personally find his books to be overly didactic, and most of the time the plot is just a clothesline on which to hang extended essays about his views on these matters. I have only read Starship Troopers, The Puppet Masters, and Stranger in a Strange Land, so I'm by no means a Heinlein scholar, but I actually find Heinlein's style very effective and his novels are always very thought provoking. There's only one thing handicapping Heinlein's books.

He is insane.

Starship Troopers is probably Heinlein's tamest novel in terms of expressing his controversial views... The Puppet Masters gets rather comical by introducing an alien threat that eventually requires the world to walk around entirely naked.

    Web Video 

While Shatner is often mocked as a ham actor, the quiet way he expresses [his grief] shows that while, yeah, sometimes he's the guy that screams 'Khan,' sometimes he's the also the guy that can scream even louder without going above a whisper.

The guy singing is a lawyer. This motherfucker is a lawyer. THIS. Motherfucker. Is a lawyer.
— Top rated Youtube comment, on this song

    Real Life 

Jefferson is a slender man, has rather the air of stiffness in his manner. His clothes seem too small for him... His whole figure has a loose, shackling air. He had a rambling, vacant look, and nothing of that firm collected deportment which I expected would dignify the presence of a secretary or minister. I looked for gravity, but a laxity of manner seemed shed about him. He spoke almost without ceasing; but even his discourse partook of his personal demeanor. It was loose and rambling; and yet he scattered information wherever he went, and some even brilliant sentiments sparkled from him.
Sketches of Debate in the First Senate by William Maclay, describing Thomas Jefferson

I shouldn't make movies anymore. I should go to a lunatic asylum.
Werner Herzog on the making of Fitzcarraldo

The barbiturate Nembutal and vodka are a lethal combination and they did his brain no good. But the writing was often still marvelous; also, more adventurous than before. Many critics hoped, even prayed that this was a final falling off from his so unbearable to so many of them greatness. But the talent endured.
Gore Vidal on Tennessee Williams, Point to Point Navigation

People would ask me, "How come you stayed with her so long?" and my joke was, "Because nobody could make the speech, "Miss Garland will not appear tonight," better than I could. Judy loved that; she had a laugh like a horse... but she could suck your blood. I used to come home drained, and my wife would say, "How can you do it?" Every night, it was like waiting for a hanging; we never knew what the hell was going to happen.
Alan King on Judy Garland, Name Dropping

Most of the successful people in Hollywood are failures as human beings.

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.

People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time.

She can knock 'em back. She's pretty immature for a news woman.
Chelsea Handler on drinking buddy Katie Couric

Ric Flair had a lot of fun, and he was a great wrestler; but he had a lot of issues, and he was a selfish person.

Richard Dean Anderson: I cornered [Gen.] Ryan and asked him if he had colonels that actually behaved the way I did. You know, was it a little shaky? Was I being disrespectful? And he stopped me in mid-sentence and just said, 'Son,' (which I thought was rather condescending), he said, "Yes, we've got colonels like you, and worse"...In fact, both generals that I worked with on Stargate said the same thing. Said, "You're doing what we all want to do, but really can't."
Stargate SG-1 season 8 DVD featurette

No one ever questions the disorder behind her tarantula LA glamour—sociopathy, narcissism—because it’s good rock and roll, good entertainment! I have a low tolerance for manipulative, egomaniacal behaviour, and usually have to remind myself that the person might be mentally ill.

The movie may not contain Brando's greatest performance, but it certainly contains his most emotionally overwhelming scene. He comes back to the hotel and confronts his wife's dead body, laid out in a casket, and he speaks to her with words of absolute hatred — words which, as he says them, become one of the most moving speeches of love I can imagine...he makes it absolutely clear why he is the best film actor of all time. He may be a bore, he may be a creep, he may act childish about the Academy Awards — but there is no one else who could have played that scene flat-out, no holds barred, the way he did, and make it work triumphantly.
Roger Ebert on Last Tango in Paris, The Great Movies