Once upon a time in the boonies of Pennsylvania there lived three young high schoolers, jock Billy, cheerleader Jen, and geek Nelson who through some crummy luck all found themselves in detention together. Things go from bad to bizarre when a mysterious storm knocks them all out cold, leaving them to wake up in the middle of the forest for some reason. Then things go from bizarre back to bad when they are set upon by a crazy, pointy-eared survivalist with a bow, left alone in a town straight out of the Middle Ages they've never heard of, and then captured and imprisoned by some hardcore Renaissance Fair reenactors. And nobody they talk to seem to know where Pennsylvania is.
What's that they say in the movie with the monkeys? Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape? I don't think we're in Kansas anymore? That's the one.
It turns out the reason nobody has heard of Pennsylvania is because the teens have been whisked away to the magical world of Iorden. The pointy-eared survivalist is the elf Yllowyyn, Kalth’yr (elven advisor) of the king's court, the town is Guernatal City, capital of the human realms of Iorden, and they've been captured by order of King Gunther, whose realm is about to go to hell in a handbasket and is very much of mind to have them executed on suspicion of espionage. Luckily for the three young ones, they are saved by the intervention of the noblewoman Arlene Redmoor and General Brennan, the latter of whom has had prophetic dreams that seem to figure in the children.
War is on the horizon. Civil strife from within, and an orcish invasion from without. To top it off, the queen and her newborn just died, leaving the realm with no heir. With one of the children possibly being the Anointed One the prophecy declared would save everyone, King Gunther decides to kill two birds with one stone and have General Brennan keep the children safe and get to the bottom of this prophecy while taking them with him to find one last possible heir to the throne.
Produced by Zach Glass and Christian Madera, The Once and Future Nerd on its surface is a Narnia-esque fantasy filled with wonders, intrigue, comedy, and a healthy dose of bawdiness. Underneath the veneer of noble knights and dashing rogues however, is a tale of the pressures of toxic social expectations, abuses inherent in the system, racism, sexism, and social revolution. Listeners will delve into Iorden society and all its issues, which more often than not reflect our own.
The Once and Future Nerd provides examples of:
- Accidental Truth: Billy's frequent taunts concerning his sexual escapades with just about everyone's mothers actually pull the party out of a precarious situation when the heckling strikes a nerve of an attacking mercenary leader whose mother apparently does have a history. He immediately assumes a rival mercenary in the know has been spreading slander and turns on him right then and there, causing all the mercenaries attacking the party to join their leaders in taking out each other with the heroes barely lifting a finger.
- Always Chaotic Evil: We are told this about the Orcs. Traft's conversation with humans, the mass murder of helpless Orc women and children by the Knights of the Forest, and Nelson's queries revealing just little the common knowledge of Orcs is based on hard evidence throws this out the window though.
- Ambition Is Evil: Ry'ylo-Th'yyt is highly ambitious and totally ruthless; she plans to be High Chancellor before she's 500 and will stop at nothing to reach that goal.
- Aristocrats Are Evil: Traft argues the Iorden nobility, and their supposed elven allies, are all opportunistic leeches ready to serve whoever or do whatever to keep themselves rich and in charge and everyone else down. He executes defiant and submissive nobles alike because, when asked who they serve, nobody ever thinks of saying, “the people.” And honestly, he’s not entirely wrong.
- Arranged Marriage: Ardel arranges to have Arlene marry Antonine Mooncrest, in theory to secure the Mooncrest army for the king in the coming civil war against Felghir. Arlene is unsuitable for marriage on account of not being a virgin (and in love with her handmaiden, Gwen) however, which Ardel knows full well, leading his sister to suspect the who arrangement is a ruse for a much darker plot.
- Asshole Victim: Despite all the trouble Jen's killing of Sergeant McShane caused, nobody who even remotely knew the child molester mourns his death. "He had it coming" is closer to the general reaction.
- Automatic Crossbows: Regularly wielded by the Th'ar lo-Hyyl. Regan is given one by them for the Fetch Quest.
- Berserk Button: The narrator really, really hates doors that squeak. He's willing to forgive or at least overlook them if the owner of the door in question can't afford or doesn't have the time to maintain the door properly, but he'll routinely go off on rants about rich, wealthy people who live in palaces and have servants and still have doors that squeak. It becomes a bit of a Running Gag that whenever a squeaking door is heard, the narrator will either get angry about it, or very blatantly point out how he's ignoring it.
- Big Damn Heroes: In an Accidental Hero sort of way. Just as Ry'ylo-Th'yyt is about to kill Arlene, she's interrupted a flock of pigeons and a stoned-off-his-ass Yllowyyn, who sobers up when he recognizes Arlene and realizes something is very wrong.
- Big Ego, Hidden Depths: Billy is introduced as an arrogant and self-confident Jerk Jock, but as the story goes on it's revealed that much of his attitude is an act to hide his insecurities; he's fully aware that while he's one of the star athletes of his small-time school, he's nowhere near good enough to make it professional. Convinced he's not smart enough to make any other career for himself, he's essentially given up on having any kind of future, has resigned himself to becoming just another Jaded Washout like his father, and in the meantime just acts like a jerk towards "geeks" like Nelson, whom he knows has a greater future in front of them.
- Black and Nerdy: Nelson is the stories resident Fantasy geek whose Genre Savvy occasionally comes in handy. Being black also gives him a more nuanced view of race relations in Iodren. To a lesser extent, Nia, who is a genuine scholar. Because discrimination against black people was never a thing among humans of the realm, her race is downplayed.
- Can't Argue with Elves: Played up for all it's worth. The elves are physically superior to humans in just about every way — stronger, faster, and more agile, with sharper senses and infinitely longer lifespans, and they also have the strongest army and hold the most military power in Iorden. They's also haughty, arrogant, bigoted and often callous; while they certainly present themselves as the helpers and protectors of humanity, on the whole they have very little respect or regard for anyone but themselves. Quite a few humans (especially those who are poor and already on the bottom rung of the ladder) view them as heartless and oppressive tyrants, who just demand and demand and have to be appeased if you want to stay alive. You do get the occasional elf who is more reasonable and more willing to listen (Yllowyyn is one of them especially after his Heel Realization), but overall the elves aren't prone to give any humans the time of day.
- Chainmail Bikini: What Jen is initially hooked up with at the insistence of her two horny school companions. According to the seller, it's for "moral support" rather than combat. It has no real use, and Regan later gets Jen some more practical leather armor that actually covers her body.
- Child by Rape: According to the stories, General Traft's human mother was raped by orcs during a raid. According to Traft's mother, one of those orcs actually protected her from rape during that raid, who would eventually be Traft's father. Traft relates this history to Smith to warn him against stories like these. Stories that only benefit the ruling class.
- Coitus Interruptus: While about to get busy in a barn, Billy and Jen don't get beyond removing Jen's armor before Regan shows up out of nowhere, comments on how easy to remove (and therefore useless) Jen's armor was, and drops off some actual armor for the now very embarrassed girl. After this, it becomes a Running Gag for the rest of the book that whenever Billy and Jen try to have sex, something happens that interrupts them.
- Common Tongue: The humans of Iorden have a common tongue which everyone converses in, including the elves when they talk to humans. It's also implied that this language was imposed on them by the elves, while driving other languages extinct. The orcs have their own separate common tongue which they devised to better facilitate communication between the different tribes when they campaign together. It's a work in progress.Orc Chieftain: "What did he say about my mother?Chieftain #2: "Templars. He dislikes the Templars. Remember? "Rrretma-ah" means "cares-for-things." "Rrretmah-a" means "cares-for-people."Chieftain #3: "Respect, brother. But I don’t know why my mother is involved."Traft: "Oh, Garedian help us, we need to fix this language."
- Cool Old Guy: General , or Sir, Brennen. A paragon of honor and virtue who does his damndest to protect the children and serve his king and thief queen. Despite being well into advanced age, he can still crush a man or two with his bare hands.
- Creepy Cockroach: Among the more fantastical wildlife of Iorden are dog sized roaches which will beset an encampment if some idiot doesn't cover up the smell of their waste. Their threat turns out to be minimal, as their size makes it difficult for them to breath. Startle them enough and they drop dead from overexerting their respiratory systems.
- Driven to Suicide: After learning Regan's true identity, General Bryce drinks poison before his visit to Ry'ylo-Th'yyt to keep her from forcing the new queen's whereabouts out of him.
- Dumb Blonde: Jen seems to be this at first. Subverted as she gradually reveals she has been dumbing herself down and hiding her true intelligence in order to be accepted by her community.
- Due to the Dead: When Yllowyyn has the boys raid the corpses of mercenaries who had wanted to kill them, Nia objects to this dishonorable act. Yllowyyn argues that they had already dishonored themselves by being murderous thieves and treating their bodies one way or another wouldn't restore their honor regardless.
- Dumb Jock: Billy, which is a source of angst for him, as he's knows not smart enough make something of himself academically and also not a good enough jock to advance through sports. The fear of returning to this no-win situation has made him reluctant to look for a way home.
- Easily Forgiven: Everyone takes Regan' taking Jen hostage and threatening to slit her throat to keep Brennan's party off her back in a stride. Everyone except Jen, who understandably takes it very poorly, refusing to warm up to the rogue for a long while even after the latter tries to make them even.
- Erudite Stoner: Yllodyk has traits of this. Her love for "herbs" is a big part of her character, but she's smarter and more insightful than her brother Yllowyyn.
- Extreme Omnisexual: Regan is not picky about her sex partners, especially not about what gender they are.
- Foreshadowing: That Jen is much smarter than she lets on is hinted at early on when the teens are first dropped into Iorden and she tries to correct Billy's attempt to guide them home using moss, an inaccurate method at best, which she passes off as just something she happened to remember from school.
- Fantastic Racism: Rampant with the elves. Yllowyyn makes "human" jokes and Yllodyk tries to touch Nelson's hair. The Elves also systematically oppress the Orcs, spreading false information about them as total monsters. Some, like Yllowyn, believe the stories themselves and are shocked when they find out it's not true and it's the elves who may be the bad guys here. Nelson, who is black and has experienced actual racism back in Pennsylvania, is often the one who draws the parallels. Nia, who is also black but lives in a world where skin color isn't what's discriminated against, has problems seeing the parallels at first.
- Fantasy Character Classes: Nelson categorizes everyone based on standard World of Warcraft character classes, leaving several options for himself and admitting he doesn't know where Jen fits in. This was before her talents as a sorcerer were discovered.
- Fantasy Counterpart Culture: Elves seem to have a lot in common with the antebellum Southern aristocracy, from their grand mansions down to the accents. And their treatment of "lesser" races.
- Fire-Forged Friends: Pretty much the entire main party, to various degrees. Every single member of the party starts out distrusting or disliking at least one other member — Billy and Nelson do not get along at all at first; Yllowyyn often clashes with the humans, and Regan is hostile to everybody. As they go through hardships, they end up growing closer and learning to trust one another.
- Genre Savvy: Nelson has long hid himself in Fantasy stories and games, which definitely comes in handy when magically transported to a fantasy world. The natives of Iorden, lacking awareness of the tropes their world runs on, are frequently surprised when he seemingly pulls unknowable information out of thin air. His knowledge does have a number of holes in it and is far from always correct, though — see Wrong Genre Savvy below.
- Groin Attack: Regan's preferred method of dispatching male attackers in single combat. A cheap and dishonorable method, as Brennan, Yllowyyn, and Nia are quick to condemn, but effective, and Regan's enemies and sparring partners are quick to find out.
- Hate Sink: Ardel. He's got approximately zero redeeming qualities, already as a child he torments and tortures his twin sister seemingly for no other reason than that he thinks it's funny. As an adult he's a total psycopath who abuses his power over others, mistreats anyone he can mistreats, has anyone he doesn't like tortured or put to death, and gleefully plots death and destruction. To top it all off he's also a Dirty Coward who folds like a deck chair the moment he isn't in control of a situation.
- Heroic Bastard: Regan is anything but heroic upon her initial introduction, but one can hardly blame her for living up to the negative stereotype of bastards in a world where orphaned bastard girls are on the lowest rung of society. Circumstances, the influence of the rest of the party, an encounter with Gwen who is willing to die at Regan's hands for the sake of love, and being made high queen of the human realms reignites her long buried better nature, and perhaps more importantly, offers her the power and opportunities to act on that better nature.
- Hidden Backup Prince: Gunther had been aware of Regan’s existence but otherwise ignored his basted grandaughter until the rest of his immediate family died, suddenly needing to officially recognize her as heir to keep his family on the throne.
- Hidden Depths: All three Pennsylvania kids have a lot more to them than they present at first.
- Billy's Jerk Jock tendencies are a result of his terrible relationship with his abusive father and the fact that he's more or less resigned himself to the idea that he's never going to make anything of himself. In one of the first earnest conversations he has with Nelson, he reveals that he always knew smart and savvy Nelson was going to go far.
- Nelson is a total geek and a bully victim... but this means he's also Crazy-Prepared and surprisingly good at standing up for himself in subtle and not-so-subtle ways. A lifelong obsession with fantasy and social justice means he's not only very Genre Savvy but tends to pick up on subtle hints and parallels that everyone else misses. He's also extremely empathetic and, though he's introduced as socially awkward, is actually pretty good at reading and understanding people.
- Jen acts like a Dumb Blonde, but it's soon revealed that she's been Obfuscating Stupidity all along, playing herself up as the Brainless Beauty for fear that her true self wouldn't be accepted. She's actually the smartest and most knowledgeable of the trio; she's usually the quickest to grasp a new situation, and the best at improvising in a tight spot.
- Hollywood Hacking: Defied and mocked by Nelson in the first episode, when he can't get online through the school computers.Billy: You’re a nerd, can’t you just reroute the encryptions or some shit like that and shut up about it?
Nelson: ...Oh. Oh, I see. You must have been taken in by the popular misconception that everyone smart knows how to hack a computer. Or that computer hacking is magic. Or that encryptions are a thing that can be rerouted. - I Don't Like the Sound of That Place: Discussed and Played For Laughs with the Cairn of Evil Untold. The children outright refuse to go there because the name screams Obviously Evil. They're completely right.
- The Immodest Orgasm: Jen fakes one while a male prostitute is in her room to keep a city guard out of her room while hiding a young girl from him. It works. In fact, it works well enough that a very freaked out Billy comes barging on not long after.
- Inane Blabbering: Jen, being the only one with enough sense to be scared of their possibly impending death sentences, frantically tries to explain how the teens got to Iorden before Gunther has them all killed only to get caught up in pointless details.Jen: Listen, your Maj... your Grace. We honestly don’t know how we got here! We were in trouble at school, and then there was a storm, and then something with my ass, and then there were trees-
- Inherently Funny Words: Vagina. Admit it, you just stifled a snicker. Nia and Regan, who use more flowery or crass descriptions respectively for female anatomy, find Jen's neutral term funny as hell, cracking up every time she says it.
- Jerk Jock: Billy is introduced as one. Thanks to his abusive relationship with his rather, can't express his own emotions well and instead lashes out from repressed anger and needs constant gratification. Confronting a conjuring of his father after the Templars attempt to get him has led him to try to be more expressive in a constructive manner. As the story progresses he becomes much more of a Lovable Jock.
- Kids Are Cruel: Ardel has been a horrible monster since he was a child, a fact not at all helped by his father's laissez-faire parenting and "Boys will be boys" attitude towards Ardel's nascent cruel streak. At best he was tormenting his twin sister to the point of tears on a regular basis, but this culminated in pressuring his cousin to rape a drunken Arlene on their thirteenth birthday.
- Know When to Fold 'Em: Learning that the local cop is a pedophile who abuses the children of prostitutes outrages the teens, leading them to demand action be taken. Nia counsels caution, they're just a handful of nobodies already on the run against the law of the land. Nothing they do could possibly make a difference right then and would just make their own situation worse. As is later revealed, Nia has much bitter experience with situations where she can't do much to help the victims. Jen, having her own bitter experience being a victim, refuses to fold 'em and opts to murder the cop anyway.
- Last-Name Basis: Regan is her last name, which nearly everyone uses despite everyone else being on a first name basis. Even Brenan, who one would think would have begun acknowledging her as a Guernatal following her ascension to the throne. Makes some sense though, as Aerona is a name from a looked down upon time of history, so she seems to have been encouraged to go by her middle name, Margaret. She refers to herself as Maggie when alone.
- Lipstick Lesbian: Arlene is a very gentle, feminine lady who likes pretty clothes. As the story progresses she realizes that she is and has been in love with her handmaiden Gwen for a long time.
- The Load: Both Nelson and Billy tend to worry that they're this. Especially Billy often laments that he's no use to anyone and just makes everything harder for everyone around him.
- Lovable Jock: When he's not making an ass of himself Billy actually can be fun. Usually seen when he's free to be silly and express himself.
- Magic Music: Arlene's enchanting singing voice is slowly revealed to not using that description metaphorically. It becomes obvious in "Darkness On The Edge Of Town, Pt. 4," in a scene that serves double duty as Serenade Your Lover. She doesn't seem to be aware of her own power though.
- Mercy Kill: Nia, a cleric, can't abide suffering. So when an enemy assassin is fatally wounded, Nia uses an ice spell to painlessly finish him off. Later, Regan snaps the neck of a former associate at her own request after likewise suffering a fatal wound at the hands of Redmoore soldiers.
- My Master, Right or Wrong: Brennen is sourly tested when Regan orders him to prepare for a fight against the elves, something which is against everything he has ever believed in. When Regan points out he swore to obey all her orders, he points out she swore to never give him an immoral order. What Brennen would do is ultimately solved for him by the confirmation with his own eyes of the elves duplicity.
- Names to Run Away from Really Fast: The Templars of Discord. Even their own allies, and it's very much an alliance of convenience, find them Obviously Evil as hell.
- Noble Bigot: Elves in general are racist bigots, but they do have a very strong sense of honor and duty. Yllowyyn is a prime example; he's brave, honorable and with tons of prejudices — though he insists that he has no prejudices against humans; why, he had a human nanny when he was young!
- Obfuscating Stupidity: Jen is a lot smarter than she lets on, but at the beginning of the series she deliberately plays herself up as a Dumb Blonde for fear that she won't be accepted as her true self. She grows out of it over the course of the first season and begins letting her smarts show a lot more as she gains confidence.
- Order Versus Chaos: An integral part of the magic/mythos, and political set up of Iodren. The god Galodin and the Elves bring Order while the aforementioned Templars serve Chaos.
- Pædo Hunt: After witnessing a corrupt cop attempt to molest a young girl, Jen is told there is nothing they can do about it at the moment, despite her pleas. This, along with her own memories of being molested by a coach, sends Jen into Tranquil Fury. Next thing anyone knows, she's up and stabbed the scumbag dead.
- Politically Incorrect Hero: Billy can be incredibly dismissive and possessive of Jen on account of her sex. He also dismisses Nelson's struggles, stating his black schoolmate will get to college easily thanks to affirmative action. Yllowyyn, and elves in general, are also racially insensitive, though interestingly enough, very much not sexist.
- Raging Stiffie: Despite his best efforts to concentrate on anything else but the women sharing a horse with him, Nelson's libido can't help but react to the intimacy. Regan, of course, notices and comments.
- Rags to Royalty: This had been the intended plan for Regan, but a murder here, a suspicious ally there, and a massacre throwing everything out of whack has led to very few people acknowledging her royal status, and Regan being not very keen on broadcasting it anyway.
- Really 700 Years Old: Elves, of course. Yllowyyn in his early 100's is considered to be at a brash young age.
- Rebel Leader: The Rebel General Traft seems to think himself this. From what we've seen, he's not altogether wrong.
- Right-Wing Militia Fanatic: The teens mistakenly assume Yllowyyn is one upon their first encounter, and probably a white supremacist at that. A not unreasonable assumption, all things considered, given that they met what looked like a hostile, Southern white guy running around with a bow who gets very upset at the words "Civil War" in the backwoods of Pennsylvania. And because he’s from a group that routine commits mass executions of those they consider “lesser races”.
- Robbing the Dead: Yllowyyn has Billy and Nelson pick the pockets of slain mercenaries for anything of value. Both are creeped out by this, and Nelson finds the Item-Drop Mechanic isn't as clean as video games make it out to be.
- Royals Who Actually Do Something: Having grown up in the slums and traveling incognito, Queen Regan is a very active monarch in their adventures.
- Security Blanket: Jen's iPhone serves as a reminder of her world, comforting her whenever she needs a distraction. It's rather telling that it's only after the phone runs out of battery that she is put in a state of mind detached and angry enough to murder somebody.
- Self-Abuse: In a surprisingly clever joke, Billy snickers that "sparring with Yllowyyn" will make you go blind.
- Servile Snarker: Gwen is a very subtle version of this towards Ardel. She knows exactly what she can get away with saying, or not saying without making him too angry. She very seldom snarks at Arlene, though; and even on the rare occasions when she does it's good-natured and loving.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: Regan, who never uses euphemisms whenever the crudest swear words will do.
- Some of My Best Friends Are X: Billy and Nelson call Yllowyyn racist after getting tired of his attitude and over-fondness of human jokes. Yllowyyn counters that he can't be racist; he had a human nanny!
- Standard Fantasy Setting: Subverted. Iorden is a world in what seems to be a medieval status, with kings and cavaliers, elves and orcs, dragons and magic. At first it seems like an extremely stereotypical fantasy world, though it doesn't take long before a lot of the standard fantasy tropes are deconstructed to various degrees; especially the Always Chaotic Evil nature of orcs being revealed to be little more than Elven propaganda to keep the humans from seeing the orcs as anything but monsters.
- Strangely Arousing: Nelson finds Regan's metaphor concerning blood, sex, and how men don’t miss either until she’s taken away both hot for some reason. Resident horn dog Billy finds that more off putting than the metaphor.
- Title Drop: Traft refers to the nobility as the "Princes of Iorden" when talking with Smith, using the title very contemptuously as he views all aristocrats as evil leeches on society who oppress the masses.
- Token Trio: Nelson (Black Male), Billy (White Male), and Jen (White Female). While Billy is the most assertive, no one kid is particularly in charge, mostly because they tend to follow the lead of whichever adult is watching over them at the time.
- Translation Convention: When elves or orcs start talking to each other in their own language the Narrator relays it in English, occasionally forgetting and missing the first few words. He also admits to occasionally taking liberties with his translations, such as using "hospital waiting room" rather than the more direct translation of the elvish, "Place of boredom and death stench."
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: Ry'ylo-Th'yyt certainly likes to present herself as one of these, justifying everything she does as being "for the good of her people." But really, her main drive seems to be her own ambitions; there is nothing she won't do and nobody she won't backstab if that furthers her goals.
- Wrong Genre Savvy:
- As often as Nelson's Genre Savvy comes in handy, almost as often his knowledge comes to nothing due to overlooking obvious facts concerning their surroundings that didn't make it into the video games. Among other things, his otherwise good plan to escape the Castle Guernatal hedge maze by watching the guards' set patrols, which would have worked in any The Legend of Zelda game, is undone because he didn't account for the guards in the watchtower seeing every single thing he did.
- Later, while on the run from the city guard, Nelson tries to take a page from Assassin's Creed by suggesting they hide in a nearby haystack. Jen shoots this down, pointing out that real guards aren't going to lose interest and forget everything happened after a few minutes of laying low.
- Your Mom: Billy's go-to retort to everyone when he can't think of something more insulting. It's amazingly juvenile and almost no one takes it seriously. What's more amazing is when some enemy mercenaries do take it seriously and turn on each other due to a presumed breach of trust concerning the affairs of one mercenary's mother.
