Funny: You Don't Know Jack
And right this way, please. In General: 1995-2003
- The generic wrong answer responses rarely come up, but they tend to be hilarious:
Here's a little spending money! (Ching)Special Delivery! Have some bad news for you!You're wrong, and stay out of my purse!All positions are filled, but thank you for applying!"L" is for Loser!U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly!Sing-song voice: That's not iiiit!Whiny voice: Hey, mom, can I have some money for lunch? noteTour Guide: And if you look to your left; you'll see the popular wrong answer! (Crowd reacts in awe)Deep voice: I'm afraid we'll have to garnish your wages.Tough Guy: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!(Bullet Ricochets)(Chainsaw motor with an accompanying Stock Scream)(Plane Crash)"Whoa, whoa!" (Crashing noises)"It's only fun until someone loses an eye." (boink) "Oh, my eye!" (boinkboinkboink...)Nate: In a word: No.Nate: Good Job! *Beat* Oh. Oh, that's the one you picked, sorry.(Swing) Nate: Ooh, sliced it!(cracking sounds) Cookie: Uh, that's extremely painful!!Cookie: (Laughs) That's a good one.Cookie: Oh, that's not good.Cookie: Uh, what the hell were you thinking there?Schmitty: You got it! Oh, no you don't, I'm just messing with you.Schmitty: Hope you didn't spend that money already.Schmitty: You should've bought a vowel.Schmitty: Judges?Schmitty: Have you considered a career in marketing?Schmitty: That's...not it!
- The commercial for Brannigar and The Hawk, a buddy cop movie starring a loose cannon cop portrayed by Sylvester Stallone and his equally loose cannon partner portrayed by Stephen Hawking.
- The opening sequences for Volume 2 are pretty damn funny. For example, if you opt for a single player game:
Cookie: Oh, so you're playing with yourself?Offscreen Voice: Cookie, please.
- Raul does the same thing in Movies.
Raul: Oh, so you're playing with yourself. Hey, no jokes from me. So why don't you go ahead and type in your name, Lefty?
- The computerized sign-in voice of Mock 2 also pulls this one off, but with a completely straight face. Something you'd expect for a computer voice.
Voice: One person playing with himself. Fine.
- Raul does the same thing in Movies.
- All of the Impossible Questions in Volume 3 live up to their name, with the exception of one- its category is "It's a Dog!" and the question effectively amounts to "What has four legs and barks?" Guess what the answer is. Yep, a dog.
- In Movies, if your final score is crap:
Cookie: Player, your performance is like starring in a really bad movie: You get to be the star and all, but nobody gives a s**t.
- A question from Volume 2 asks for the correct pronunciation of the singer of "Smooth Operator." It's shar-day (close enough). The next question (all category choices lead to the same one) is about the Marquis de Sade, leading to the host's comment, "He was probably ticked about being called the Marquis de Shar-day."
- The hosts will most certainly let you hear it if you don't buzz in during a single-player Jack Attack:
- TV (the game, not the show): "'Oh, I don't want hit the buttons by myself, what if I get one wrong?!' YOU LOSER!"
- Movies: "You lame-ass, who did you think was going to see it, you're playing by yourself!"
- 3: "Your momma's not here to push the buttons for you, you lame-ass!"
- The Ride, considering you're playing alone and have finished the game with a positive score:
- Cookie: What the hell?! Did you go to the BATHROOM? It's supposed to be INTERACTIVE, remember?!Guy: Hey, what the hell happened?! You fall asleep? Look, no guts, no glory, my friend.Schmitty: Hey, what the hell's going on? Did you blackout on me? Or did you start to have a conversation with your imaginary friends?Nate: Hey, you're supposed to have your finger on your buzzer, not up your butt! No guts - no bucks!
- 5th Dementia: "Oh come on, you wuss, you're playing by yourself! What, do you think I'm gonna tell everyone how much you suck?!"
- The following messages have been brought to you by The United States Department for Condesending Paternalism:
- "Antifreeze. Don't drink it." "Why?" "'Cause it'll kill you." "Oh."
- "Ice. Watch out." "Why?" "Slippery." "Oh."
- "Liquor. Don't drink that." "Why?" "Mine." "Oh."
- "Loose women. Don't date them." "Why?" "They're not the marrying kind." "Oh."
- Typing "fuck you" into the Gibberish Question round always yields funny results, but by far the funniest is the beat followed by the bizarrely high-pitched "W-WHAT?!" that Cookie lets out upon the player doing this in ''Movies''. So funny you can almost HEAR the jaws dropping in the studio...
Nate: Are you talking to me? On my show? I don't think so! Why don't you take a good look at your score, huh? "Fuck me"? No, fuck you! (takes off $50,000) No, no, no, no, no. (snickers) I didn't say "fuck you". I said, "FUCK! YOU!" (takes off an additional $100,000)
- The Old Man's response to seeing the player's answer? "Call the air force!"
- Sometimes on Vol. 1:
Nate: ...and next time, maybe you'll think twice before you flip me off. (takes off $50,000) You know, I thought that'll make me feel better, but I'm still pissed off. I don't think that punishment was adequate. (takes off an additional $100,000)
- Sometimes Nate says the same thing but different on the same volume or XL.
- And if all the players type in "fuck you", the game quits to the desktop (the Steam library for the re-releases).
- Some of the Couch Gags in The Lost Gold:
Fourscore and Twenty years ago...
...we released our last game.Loading, Loading, Loading...
...keep those .dat files loading, RAWHIDE!Who's ready for some trivia?
WE SAID WHO'S READY FOR SOME TRIVIA?!Been waiting for a long time for this game?
Here you go — now enough with the whining.If High Culture and Pop Culture collide and no one's there to hear it...
...does it make a fart sound effect?Just when you thought the trivia depths have been plumbed...
...we fished out a few floaters.If you've made it this far...
...then our programmers really DO know what they're doing!If you liked Jack german volume 4...
...you're gonna LOVE this game!Thought you never see another JACK game huh?
Well.. you were half right.What do you think of this font?
Does it make our "B" look big?This space for rent...
...contact sales @Jellyvision.com!
- The commercial for the theme park called "Philosopher World", especially this part:
Announcer: Screw the mouse! Forget the mountain! Busch Gardens is for pussies!
- The responses to whatever you pick from the two-choice morality question at the start of every The Ride game. One such example: "If you looked outside and saw someone doing a highwire act on your telephone line, what would you do?"
"God forbid you should go without blabbing to your friends for one day.
- If you select "Tell him how important your phone line is":
Be sure to tell them what a killjoy you are."
"You must love the circus!
- And if you select "applaud and scream in delight":
Nothing beats eating cotton candyand watching abused animals perform."
- The Parody Commercial for "Sunshine Suppositories". Starting with a man named Johnson getting chewed out by a boss, things quickly get derailed when the boss says, "I'm not here to blow sunshine up your ass!" followed by a cheery, "But I am!" Mickey Mousing to indicate an Ass Shove or two later, and, well, smiles all around. And then, the tagline: "Spread your cheeks for a little sunshine today!"
- The second episode, regardless of the theme you've picked, has Cookie crashing the game from Buzz, the intended host and dropping him down a trap door only to get chewed out by Helen for doing so.
Buzz: (panting heavily) Thought you'd seen the last of me, huh? Well, you can't get rid of me that—(trapdoor opening)—AAAAAAAAAAH!Guy: Nice one.Cookie: Thanks—Guy? How did you get up here?Guy: I came up from the Hollywood floor. I was cheesing around looking for Keanu Reeves.Cookie: Oh, did I say he was there? I was—Guy: Hey, it's fine. Heh. Look at Buzz go.Cookie: Yeah.Guy: No, no—you have to look real close.Cookie: Uh, I don't think—Guy: It's okay, I'll hold on to your belt.Cookie: I'm...not wearing a belt—(thump)—AAAAAAAAAAH!
- At one point, Buzz finally gets back to the "surface", wearing out revenge on Cookie... Until Guy Towers comes into the booth and serves the said revenge on both of 'em, by sending them to The Bottom.
- Floor 112: Language is sponsored by Ye Olde Booze Shoppe, which leaves some samples behind. Over the course of the game Cookie gets drunker, and drunker, until the 12th question: "Which of these slang terms for "regurgitation" is NOT a good example of "onomatopoeia?" The four available choices are "barf", "hurl", "ralph", and "upchuck", but while you have to do one, Cookie does all of the above... literally, yes.
Cookie: Urgh...yeah. Upchuck is...that's not the sound that makes.
- And when you get it right:
- Finish Floor 120: Dairy, and you get treated to a hilarious smooth jazz love song filled with dairy puns. Let's Player Suraht found it painful to sit through.
- The sponsors for the Wrong Answer of the Game, including:
Rug Munchers Edible Flooring! We put a whole new spin on the 5 second rule.BloodCo! All your blood needs, without the mess or fuss. Any type, any thickness, any gender! BloodCo!The [Insincere] Greeting Card Factory! Because you so totally deserve the very best!Fistable Bowling Equipment Inc! Bury yourself in your ball, right up to your wrist. Fistable Bowling Equipment!Fashion Barrel Barrel Wear, comfort, freedom, style, and the faint smell of pickles! Wear your wood well.Romanticlip Tandem Toenail Clippers! Because the couple that clips toe-gether, stays toe-gether!Felt Up hand Puppet Lube! Now with a tingling sensation to let you know it's working!
- All of Cookie's dreams from Nocturnal Admissions.
- Episode 2, Question 6ix asks, "Which of the following is not a Crayola crayon color eating another crayon color?" Among the choices is "a beaver eating macaroni and cheese." Picking it will cause Cookie to thank you for giving him an excuse to talk about the image of a beaver eating macaroni and cheese. After the question is over, no matter how you answered, Cookie will continue talking about that choice.
Cookie: ...Well, let's beaver-eating-macaroni-and-cheese on to the next question.
- Episode 25 revolves around Cookie sending out e-vites for his party to members of the staff. Literally each and every one of them turn him down, giving him ridiculous excuses (such as Donny getting a hysterectomy and two members of the staff getting two-for-one lobotomies), and it culminates in Question 10n, where an angry Cookie asks the player which excuse he heard makes any medical sense, with Cookie not only peppering in more insults towards those who made the excuses in the first place in addition to pointing out why they're wrong, but calling everyone out even on the right answer.
Cookie: An otolaryngologist is an ear, nose and throat doctor. All the rest of you are f**king bad liars.
- In Episode 47, the writers go on a picnic before finishing all the questions. The first six questions are normal, but they become more mangled as the remaining people rush to complete questions for the episode; Question 7even ends up having two of the same answer ("Hmm, that's weird"), Question 8ight was written by Donny, Question 9ine is interrupted by staffer Kim, who made a mistake, Question 10n was made up by Cookie off of a Snapple cap, and in the Jack Attack round (written by Chad, and which Cookie tries to stop until his mic gets cut off), all you have to do for a match is pick whatever the phrase tells you to pick.
Cookie: "Oh, please, don't be so knave." Yeah. Right. Right Donny! We wouldn't want anyone to be knave, would we?!
- In Donny's question there's not only Cookie's reactions to it, but also the responses you get when you answer wrong.
- Question 8ight of episode 5 from JACK PACK 1 in 2011 opens with Cookie dedicating the question to his old high school chemistry teacher. Then starts the question off with "Suppose a chemistry teacher died a painful and horrible death and went to Hell..."
- The Couch Gags from the two episodes of the demo are hilarious.
Cookie: So you want to play a free game huh? CUE THE TIGHTWAD EPISODE!
- Snow Globe Surplus Store:
Cookie: Another free game? Why don't you get a job?
- Bowl-Bee Bowl:
- Also from a demo episode (Snow Globe Surplus Store) and question, one of the questions is which Looney Tunes character could not pose for the Chinese zodiac. The answer is Daffy Duck. Cookie's response after that...
Cookie: Nope, no duck on the Chinese calender, just on a Chinese menu! (quack)
- The question in particular also happens to be Question 6ix of Episode 1 from JACK PACK 2.
- The "Fuck You" reactions make a reappearance at the sign-up:
Donny: OH, MY VERGING EYES! That's not a name one gets from one's mother, that is a name one fishes out of a gas station toilet!
- Once an episode, there was a "2,000,000 question", which would start at two million dollars and slowly decrease until someone answered it. What would happen next is something would happen to constantly distract the host until most of the value of the question had been lost, usually only being a couple hundred dollars. Examples of what happened include:
- Reubens sneezing and sending the card flying across the stage, and he constantly grasped at the card only for it to keep flopping around.
- Reubens being interrupted by his dog coming in and trying to take the card away.
- Answering a cell phone call
- His hand getting caught in the conveyor belt.
- Getting attacked by ninjas.