Funny / You Don't Know Jack

And right this way, please.

In General: 1995-2003
  • The generic wrong answer responses rarely come up, but they tend to be hilarious:
    Here's a little spending money! (Ching)
    Special Delivery! Have some bad news for you!
    You're wrong, and stay out of my purse!
    All positions are filled, but thank you for applying!
    "L" is for Loser!
    U-G-L-Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly!
    (factory steam whistle) Oh, boy, it's losing time!
    "Can I help you with anything?" "Oh, no thank you, I'm just losing."
    Old Man: What the dealio?
    I got confuuuused... buh.
    Sing-song voice: That's not iiiit!
    Whiny voice: Hey, mom, can I have some money for lunch? note 
    Tour Guide: And if you look to your left; you'll see the popular wrong answer! (Crowd reacts in awe)
    Generic Game Show Host: Survey SAYS! (insert Stock Sound Effect here)
    Deep voice: I'm afraid we'll have to garnish your wages.
    Rich Woman: "Please, anything but the china!" (crash) "Damn you to Hell!"
    (Bullet Ricochets)
    (Chainsaw motor with an accompanying Stock Scream)
    (Plane Crash)
    "Whoa, whoa!" (Crashing noises)
    "It's only fun until someone loses an eye." (boink) "Oh, my eye!" (boinkboinkboink...)
    Nate: In a word: No.
    Nate: Good Job! *Beat* Oh. Oh, that's the one you picked, sorry.
    (Swing) Nate: Ooh, sliced it!
    Guy: Well, you're wrong... but at least you're not attractive.
    Buzz: Hi there, I'd like you to meet Negative Score. Negative Score: Hi there! (nervous laughter) Hi!
    (cracking sounds) Cookie: Uh, that's extremely painful!!
    Cookie: (Laughs) That's a good one.
    Cookie: Oh, that's not good.
    Schmitty: You got it! Oh, no you don't, I'm just messing with you.
    Schmitty: Hope you didn't spend that money already.
    Schmitty: Judges?
    Schmitty: Have you considered a career in marketing?
    Schmitty: That's...not it!

  • The commercial for Brannigar and The Hawk, a buddy cop movie starring a loose cannon cop portrayed by Sylvester Stallone and his equally loose cannon partner portrayed by Stephen Hawking.
  • The opening sequences for Volume 2 are pretty damn funny. For example, if you opt for a single player game:
    Cookie: Oh, so you're playing with yourself?
    Offscreen Voice: Cookie, please.
    • Raul does the same thing in Movies.
      Raul: Oh, so you're playing with yourself. Hey, no jokes from me. So why don't you go ahead and type in your name, Lefty?
    • The computerized sign-in voice of Mock 2 also pulls this one off, but with a completely straight face. Something you'd expect for a computer voice.
      Voice: One person playing with himself. Fine.
  • All of the Impossible Questions in Volume 3 live up to their name, with the exception of one- its category is "It's a Dog!" and the question effectively amounts to "What has four legs and barks?" Guess what the answer is. Yep, a dog.
  • In Movies, if your final score is crap:
    Cookie: Player, your performance is like starring in a really bad movie: You get to be the star and all, but nobody gives a s**t.
  • A question from Volume 2 asks for the correct pronunciation of the singer of "Smooth Operator." It's shar-day (close enough). The next question (all category choices lead to the same one) is about the Marquis de Sade, leading to the host's comment, "I think he went nuts because everyone kept calling him the Marquis de Shar-day."
  • The hosts will most certainly let you hear it if you don't buzz in during a single-player Jack Attack:
    • TV (the game, not the show): "'Oh, I don't want hit the buttons by myself, what if I get one wrong?!' YOU LOSER!"
    • Movies: "You lame-ass, who did you think was going to see it, you're playing by yourself!"
    • 3: "Your momma's not here to push the buttons for you, you lame-ass!"
    • The Ride, considering you're playing alone and have finished the game with a positive score:
      Cookie: What the hell?! Did you go to the BATHROOM? It's supposed to be INTERACTIVE, remember?!
      Guy: Hey, what the hell happened?! You fall asleep? Look, no guts, no glory, my friend.
      Schmitty: Hey, what the hell's going on? Did you blackout on me? Or did you start to have a conversation with your imaginary friends?
      Nate: Hey, you're supposed to have your finger on your buzzer, not up your butt! No guts - no bucks!
    • 5th Dementia: "Oh come on, you wuss, you're playing by yourself! What, do you think I'm gonna tell everyone how much you suck?!"
  • The following messages have been brought to you by The United States Department for Condesending Paternalism:
    • "Antifreeze. Don't drink it." "Why?" "'Cause it'll kill you." "Oh."
    • "Ice. Watch out." "Why?" "Slippery." "Oh."
    • "Liquor. Don't drink that." "Why?" "Mine." "Oh."
    • "Loose women. Don't date them." "Why?" "They're not the marrying kind." "Oh."
  • Typing "fuck you" into the Gibberish Question round always yields funny results.
    • The usual pattern is this:
      • Once: Deduct some money and a potential name change
      • Twice: No deduction of money but the host calls your response unoriginal and makes fun of you.
      • Thrice: Quit to desktop, usually with a quip about how you can't do anything about it.
    • By far the funniest is the beat followed by the bizarrely high-pitched "W-WHAT?!" that Cookie lets out upon the player doing this in ''Movies''. So funny you can almost HEAR the jaws dropping in the studio...
    • The Old Man's response to seeing the player's answer? "Call the air force!"

    • The best one is in Head Rush and involves a skit between the host, Abraham Lincoln, and a goat.
    • Sometimes on Vol. 1:
    Nate: Are you talking to me? On my show? I don't think so! Why don't you take a good look at your score, huh? "Fuck me"? No, fuck you! (takes off $50,000) No, no, no, no, no. (snickers) I didn't say "fuck you". I said, "FUCK! YOU!" (takes off an additional $100,000)
    • Sometimes Nate says the same thing but different on the same volume or XL.
    Nate: ...and next time, maybe you'll think twice before you flip me off. (takes off $50,000) You know, I thought that'll make me feel better, but I'm still pissed off. I don't think that punishment was adequate. (takes off an additional $100,000)
  • Some of the Couch Gags in The Lost Gold:
    Fourscore and Twenty years ago...
    ...we released our last game.
    Loading, Loading, Loading...
    ...keep those .dat files loading, RAWHIDE!
    Who's ready for some trivia?
    Been waiting for a long time for this game?
    Here you go — now enough with the whining.
    If High Culture and Pop Culture collide and no one's there to see it...
    ...does it make a fart sound effect?
    Just when you thought the trivia depths have been plumbed...
    ...we fished out a few floaters.
    If you've made it this far...
    ...then our programmers really DO know what they're doing!
    If you liked JACK Germany volume 4...'re gonna LOVE this game!
    Thought you never see another JACK game huh?
    Well.. you were half right.
    What do you think of this font?
    Does it make our "B" look fat?
    This space for rent... sales!
    This is a message to's your game — now leave us alone!
    For those about to rock... it somewhere else. We're playing a game here.
    There's no "i" in "team"...
    ...and there's no "i" in "cyclops" either. Interesting.
  • The commercial for the theme park called "Philosopher World", especially this part:
    Announcer: Screw the mouse! Forget the mountain! Busch Gardens is for pussies!
  • The first "Sports" game has a question about ancient Minoan sports. Answer "Camel roping" and you get this gem: "No, but the ancient Egyptians enjoyed camel roping. They did it on Wednesdays, and that's where the term 'Hump Day' comes from. (beat) And, what you've just heard is a total lie."
  • In YDKJ Movies: "Question 18: Honor student by day... STRIPPER by night!"
  • This soap opera scene, heard in the background and featured on You Don't Hear Jack:
    Old Man: Your temper's just like your mother!
    Schmitty: My temp- what?!
    Old Man: I- Ohhh...
    Schmitty: How do you- you don't know anything about my mother.
    Old Man: No, I didn't.
    Schmitty: Did you know-? What are you trying to say?
    Old Man: Okay, I knew your mother!
    Schmitty: Wha- HOW DID YOU KNOW MY MOTHER?
    Old Man: I knew your mother...
    Schmitty: What are you saying?
    Old Man: France... I don't know, I had too much to drink.
    Schmitty: What are you trying-
    Old Man: No, I loved her for many hours!
    Schmitty: Ugh.
    Old Man: And she, had you, out of a wedlock.
    Schmitty: Old Man, are you trying to tell me that-
    Old Man: Schmitty!
    Schmitty: You're trying to tell me that you are my, my...
    Old Man: SAY IT!
    Schmitty: ...Daddy?

UK Version
  • Insulting responses to wrong answers included; "You're not really university material, are you", "Do you do manual labour, perchance?" and "You're talking BULLSHIT!!"

Vol. 4: The Ride
  • The responses to whatever you pick from the two-choice morality question at the start of every The Ride game. One such example: "If you looked outside and saw someone doing a highwire act on your telephone line, what would you do?"
    • If you select "Tell him how important your phone line is":
    "God forbid you should go without blabbing to your friends for one day.
    Be sure to tell them what a killjoy you are."
    • And if you select "applaud and scream in delight":
    "You must love the circus!
    Nothing beats eating cotton candy
    and watching abused animals perform."
  • The Parody Commercial for "Sunshine Suppositories". Starting with a man named Johnson getting chewed out by a boss, things quickly get derailed when the boss says, "I'm not here to blow sunshine up your ass!" followed by a cheery, "But I am!" Mickey Mousing to indicate an Ass Shove or two later, and, well, smiles all around. And then, the tagline: "Spread your cheeks for a little sunshine today!"
  • The second episode, regardless of the theme you've picked, has Cookie crashing the game from Buzz, the intended host and dropping him down a trap door only to get chewed out by Helen for doing so.
    • At one point, Buzz finally gets back to the "surface", swearing revenge on Cookie... Until Guy Towers comes into the booth and serves the said revenge on both of 'em, by sending them to The Bottom.
    Buzz: (panting heavily) Thought you'd seen the last of me, huh? Well, you can't get rid of me that—(trapdoor opening)—AAAAAAAAAAH!
    Guy: Nice one.
    Cookie: Thanks—Guy? How did you get up here?
    Guy: I came up from the Hollywood floor. I was cheesing around looking for Keanu Reeves.
    Cookie: Oh, did I say he was there? I was—
    Guy: Hey, it's fine. Heh. Look at Buzz go.
    Cookie: Yeah.
    Guy: No, no—you have to look real close.
    Cookie: Uh, I don't think—
    Guy: It's okay, I'll hold on to your belt.
    Cookie: I'm...not wearing a belt—(thump)—AAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Floor 112: Language is sponsored by Ye Olde Booze Shoppe, which leaves some samples behind. Over the course of the game Cookie gets drunker, and drunker, until the 12th question: "Which of these slang terms for "regurgitation" is NOT a good example of "onomatopoeia?" The four available choices are "barf", "hurl", "ralph", and "upchuck", but while you have to do one, Cookie does all of the above... literally, yes.
    • And when you get it right:
    Cookie: Urgh...yeah. Upchuck is...that's not the sound that makes.
  • Finish Floor 120: Dairy, and you get treated to a hilarious smooth jazz love song filled with dairy puns. Let's Player Suraht found it painful to sit through.

  • The sponsors for the Wrong Answer of the Game, including:
    Rug Munchers Edible Flooring! We put a whole new spin on the 5 second rule.
    BloodCo! All your blood needs, without the mess or fuss. Any type, any thickness, any gender! BloodCo!
    The [Insincere] Greeting Card Factory! Because you so totally deserve the very best!
    Fistable Bowling Equipment Inc! Bury yourself in your ball, right up to your wrist. Fistable Bowling Equipment!
    Fashion Barrel Barrel Wear, comfort, freedom, style, and the faint smell of pickles! Wear your wood well.
    Romanticlip Tandem Toenail Clippers! Because the couple that clips toe-gether, stays toe-gether!
    Felt Up hand Puppet Lube! Now with a tingling sensation to let you know it's working!
    Pegleg Pete's One-Legged Pantorium! The place to go for the finest selection of stylish pant and slack!
  • All of Cookie's dreams from Nocturnal Admissions.
  • Episode 2, Question 6ix asks, "Which of the following is not a Crayola crayon color eating another crayon color?" Among the choices is "a beaver eating macaroni and cheese." Picking it will cause Cookie to thank you for giving him an excuse to talk about the image of a beaver eating macaroni and cheese. After the question is over, no matter how you answered, Cookie will continue talking about that choice.
    Cookie: ...Well, let's beaver-eating-macaroni-and-cheese on to the next question.
  • Episode 25 revolves around Cookie sending out e-vites for his party to members of the staff. Literally each and every one of them turn him down, giving him ridiculous excuses (such as Donny getting a hysterectomy and two members of the staff getting two-for-one lobotomies), and it culminates in Question 10n, where an angry Cookie asks the player which excuse he heard makes any medical sense, with Cookie not only peppering in more insults towards those who made the excuses in the first place in addition to pointing out why they're wrong, but calling everyone out even on the right answer.
    Cookie: An otolaryngologist is an ear, nose and throat doctor. All the rest of you are f**king bad liars.
  • In Episode 37, at the end of the Dis or Dat, Cookie laments that Beef O'Brady's name isn't on the St. Petersburg bowl, since he likes saying "Beef O'Brady's". Cue Question 5ive, which has the title "Beef O'Brady's!". Bonus points for said question having absolutely nothing to do with Beef O'Brady's.
    • In the same episode, the Wrong Answer of the Game sponsor is the "It's Never Too Late Adult Orphanage", and getting it shows you a picture of the middle-aged orphan you've won. Fast forward all the way to Question 10n, where instead of the "baby" being the letter n, it's that same picture from the WAotG.
  • In Episode 47, the writers go on a picnic before finishing all the questions. The first six questions are normal, but they become more mangled as the remaining people rush to complete questions for the episode; Question 7even ends up having two of the same answer ("Hmm, that's weird"), Question 8ight was written by Donny, Question 9ine is interrupted by staffer Kim, who made a mistake, Question 10n was made up by Cookie off of a Snapple cap, and in the Jack Attack round (written by Chad, and which Cookie tries to stop until his mic gets cut off), all you have to do for a match is pick whatever the phrase tells you to pick.
    • In Donny's question there's not only Cookie's reactions to it, but also the responses you get when you answer wrong.
    Cookie: "Oh, please, don't be so knave." Yeah. Right. Right Donny! We wouldn't want anyone to be knave, would we?!
  • Episode 69 is much more...mature than normal, for obvious reasons. This ends up with the intro to question 9ine, where the video slows down at a point where the left 9 is upside down (like a 6) and the right 9 is normal.
  • Question 8ight of episode 5 from JACK PACK 1 in 2011 opens with Cookie dedicating the question to his old high school chemistry teacher. Then starts the question off with "Suppose a chemistry teacher died a painful and horrible death and went to Hell..."
  • The Couch Gags from the two episodes of the demo are hilarious.
    • Snow Globe Surplus Store:
    Cookie: So you want to play a free game huh? CUE THE TIGHTWAD EPISODE!
    • Bowl-Bee Bowl:
    Cookie: Another free game? Why don't you get a job?
  • Also from a demo episode (Snow Globe Surplus Store) and question, one of the questions is which Looney Tunes character could not pose for the Chinese zodiac. The answer is Daffy Duck. Cookie's response after that...
    Cookie: Nope, no duck on the Chinese calender, just on a Chinese menu! (quack)
    • The question in particular also happens to be Question 6ix of Episode 1 from JACK PACK 2.
  • The "Fuck You" reactions make a reappearance at the sign-up:
    Donny: OH, MY VERGING EYES! That's not a name one gets from one's mother, that is a name one fishes out of a gas station toilet!

  • Once again, the "Fuck You" prompt has returned upon signup. Every single time, it always gets changed into a random name before the game begins. The first time, Cookie expresses his annoyance and takes $1000 from the get-go. Do it a second time, he deducts $50000, then adds one more because $50000 just wouldn't cut it. The third time? Cookie just gives up and doesn't even bother starting the game, instead giving you a goat which keeps bleating until you press the "Leave Game" prompt.
  • Episode 8 is basically to YDKJ 2015 what Episode 47 was to 2011. The show opens with Cookie announcing that the episode will be guest-starring Paul Rudd. He doesn't show up for the first question... or throughout the rest of the show, throughout which both Billy O'Brien and Old Man troll Cookie (the latter comes back in true Brick Joke style in "Foggy Facts with Old Man", which basically boils down to "During which question did I troll Cookie?"), Cookie gets increasingly annoyed with each passing question that Paul Rudd doesn't show up (going so far as to replace the Paul Rudd-themed Dis or Dat with people who "showed up where they were expected" and "didn't show up at all"), and almost every single question involves Paul Rudd in some way. This culminates in the Jack Attack, "Just Don't Pick Paul Rudd", where the clues are extremely obvious and all of the wrong answers are "Paul Rudd". The final prompt of said Jack Attack is "totally heartbroken", with the answer being Cookie Masterson, of course. Then the end reveals that Paul Rudd was never supposed to be there to begin with; Cookie was only deluding himself that Paul Rudd was going to be on the show.
  • There's a new animation for 6ix: it's a silent movie, where 3 (complete with evil moustache) leaves 6 tied up on the railroad tracks, whereupon another 6 shows up to help. Sometimes it gets off in time (causing the 6 in 6ix to still have rope on it), sometimes it doesn't (causing 6ix to become ix), and sometimes the second 6 is astounded that this is happening again.

The TV Show
  • Once an episode, there was a "2,000,000 question", which would start at two million dollars and slowly decrease until someone answered it. What would happen next is something would happen to constantly distract the host until most of the value of the question had been lost, usually only being a couple hundred dollars. Examples of what happened include:
    • Reubens sneezing and sending the card flying across the stage, and he constantly grasped at the card only for it to keep flopping around.
    • Reubens being interrupted by his dog coming in and trying to take the card away.
    • Answering a cell phone call
    • His hand getting caught in the conveyor belt.
    • Getting attacked by ninjas.