- "The Doctor is out, motherfucker!" Says James to an Evolved who attacks a helicopter he's is in while masquerading as the doctor they were after.
- Mercer, leaving Heller after their second meeting, lampshades a hilarious difference between his infection and Heller's.
- Father Guerra, reluctantly, tells Heller that he needs to kill certain scientists. After the job's done:
) James, did you...did you kill those scientists? Heller:
. By the way...
- When Heller, who has been cutting through foes by the dozen, is stymied and enraged by his mortal enemy; a computer. Hearing him growl about keys with a "squiggly line" just doesn't get old.
Heller: I'm at the computer, what do I press?
Guerra: First you need to —
Heller: I'm pressing the red button. Shit. Now the screen's all fucked up.
Guerra: Okay, press the alternate key. "A.L.T." Alternate —
Heller: Alt? There's no fucking alt. I got a fucking squiggly line key, I got a fucking key with a triangle on it — what the fuck kind of keyboard is this anyway?
Guerra: Don't forget to log off!
Heller: Yeah, yeah.
(Heller walks away)
Intercom: Terminal 4 is currently logged on with no personnel present. Please return to your station and commence proper log off procedure.
Heller: Fuck off. I hate computers.
- The Project Long Shadow dialogue between Guerra and Heller:
Guerra: Watch out, y-you may need to —
Heller: (interrupts) Dress up like a Blackwatch bitch to get in? I know the drill.
- Dana's reaction after overhearing a conversation between a disguised Heller and a clueless Blackwatch officer who calls her a "pasty hacker cunt":
- Note the conversation doesn't reveal anything, and we aren't told the guy is important, it's just a drunk asshole tank commander prank-calling Dana and Heller to insult her and his mom respectively. Dana forwards the message to Heller, and you get an entire mission to go murder him.
- The one Blackwatch soldier who keeps referring to everyone as "Brah," to everyone's extreme displeasure.
"Brah, have you been hearing all the rumors? This Heller guy, dude, they say he can get into anywhere. Like, he can turn invisible and shit."
""Well, then how's he do it, brah? How's he get inside these places? He just shows up!"
"Shit, sendin' 'em here? That's a big mistake, brah. Heller finds out about this, he'll try to get in and fuck those tanks up."
"Look brah, I don't feel good about those victors comin' here."
"Whatever. You're the boss, brah."
- This includes Heller, the soldier Heller ate to get the Blacknet mission, and Red Crown, Blackwatch's radio control. Blackwatch's soldiers aren't as threatening as before.
Heller: This asshole says "brah" one more time, I'll break his fucking jaw. Well, might do that anyway.
SGT Emery McDonald: If you don't quit calling me "brah", I'm going to bust you right in your fucking face.
- Mission Objective: Consume the New Templar scientists
Project New Templar is on the verge of sterilizing many of America's, uhm, less "glamorous" classes, shall we say. There are far too many poor people, especially immigrants, and we plan to make all their efforts at copulation quite fruitless. Scientist 2:
Indeed! It's just a matter of targeting the more "exotic" traits. Ooo, I can already smell the huge royalty checks we'll already be collecting. Scientist 1:
Exactly my thoughts! Oh ho ho ho! James Heller:
You sick fucks! Keep your memories. I'm not touching you.
- Mission Objective: BAIL OUT of the HELICOPTER to fuck over the New Templar scientists
(James Heller ascends the helicopter) Scientist 2:
Heh-Heller? James Heller? Scientist 1:
Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God! NO! Scientist 3:
Heller! Heller, let us go! We... we can pay you! Scientist 2:
Yes, yes, we can pay you! Scientist 3:
Right—a hundred dollars? Err, each? A thousand! TEN THOUSAND? HELLER!
(If Heller waits around at maximum altitude) Scientist 2:
Er, um, oh... ha ha. You know we were just kidding about New Templar, right? It's not about sterilizing the lower classes, that's, erum, quite appalling! It's about, errrum… Scientist 3: Velcro!
It's a new technologically advanced velcro! You want new velcro, don't you? You don't want to be responsible f-for depriving the world of a new technologically advanced velcro do you? Please think of the children. Scientist 1:
Heller! I'm serious — whatever you're about to do you'll feel terrible about afterwards! Yes, yes, yes — the guilt! (sobbing) OH THE CRUSHING GUILT!
(Heller bails out of the helicopter, causing it to fall to its doom) James Heller:
So long, fuckers! Scientist 1:
Oh my God, he— Oh Jesus! Oh shit! Scientist 3:
No, no, NO NO NOOOOO! Scientist 1:
AAGH! Scientist 3:
(The helicopter crashes onto the ground, killing the three New Templar Scientists) James Heller:
I ought to get a medal for that.
- After Heller has killed a helicopter pilot in an attempt to gain access to the Red Zone, this interesting little discussion with command takes place.
: Hello, uh, Southpaw. I'm the replacement. Catapult Four One just got his head bit off by a Brawler, wouldn'chaknowit. Southpaw
: (without missing a beat) Yeah, that happens a lot around here.
Okay, New Four One…
- Any time every time a blackwatch trooper uses the verb "Unfuck"
- After Dr. Koenig's Face-Heel Turn, we get this little gem after Heller forces a Blackwatch Commander out of an APC.
- Chasing a known Evolved, but missed the opportunity and now Heller faces a Hydra:
- The soldier who witnesses Heller's first battle with a Goliath. He sounds like he's reading the laconic entry on the Cluster F-Bomb page while going into shock.
Blackwatch Soldier (after watching Heller consume the Goliath) FUCK ME!! The subject, he... he just... HOLY FUCK!!! DID ANYONE ELSE FUCKING SEE THAT?!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!
- When picking mutations, some of the pictures associated with them are hilarious. For example, the mutation that speeds up hijacking/breaking weapons off vehicles has Heller standing on a tank, holding the turret in one hand, and a terrified Blackwatch soldier waving his hands in the air. The one that makes Heller Immune to Bullets has him nonchalantly reading a book while bullets are bouncing off his head and arm. Or the one that gives Heller an extra air dash move. The mutation is called 'Extra Dashing,' and the image is of Heller with a top hat and monocle being shot out of a cannon.
- This exchange between Blackwatch soldiers:
Starnes: You know, some infected chicks are still pretty hot if you put a bag over their heads.
Blackwatch Soldier: Starnes, for the life of me, I dunno how you passed the psych profile.
- Especially because one has to wonder why Blackwatch even has a psyche profile. Unless they're looking for a minimum level of crazy in their recruits…or what they would consider 'too crazy'.
- Later on during a similar Blackwatch patrol mission, you apparently end up in a squad with the same guy.
Starnes: I swear you guy this morning I shot an infected that looked exactly like Jimmy Fallon!
Blackwatch Soldier: Photo or it didn't happen.
Starnes: Celebrity headshots, man!
- In the final boss fight, Heller threatens to "skullfuck [his opponent] and suck the memories out the hole".
- After eating some random Blackwatch soldier, Heller coughs and says "Dude must have been a smoker."
- Mercer gets some great lines during his climactic battle with Heller, such as his deadpan response to one of the good sergeant's patented Cluster F Bombs:
"... You're a very crude person, aren't you?"
Mercer: (completely unfazed and with accompanying 'fear' pose) Ooh, scary.
- During the mission to consume Doctor Bellamy, if you gain the ability to rip off vehicle-mounted weapons and use them, and do so on one of the convoy's Bradleys you get this.
: Oh my GOD
! Subject has just ripped off our rockets! Repeat: subject has stolen our TOW!
: Will you just...JESUS! Just sit the fuck
- As part of Lincoln Meadows Blackbox #4 one Lieutenant Baker shoots a woman trying to find her boyfriend immediately after two warnings when she gave a confused response to being informed the area was off-limits. Blackwatch's response? On the same day according to Blackbox #5:
Riley: Corporal Rand Baker: for consistent display and embodiment of the organization's core tenets, you are hereby awarded the Blackwatch Iron Star and all associated benefits, compensation and standings. Congratulations, soldier.
Crowd: *wild applause*
Baker: Just doing my duty, sir.
- In one of the Bases, after you start eating your lunch one of the Gentek scientists says this to the Blackwatch garrison:
- Heller Throws Down trailer.
- Even funnier is this Youtube comment.
Soldier 1: "Finally, after a week of fighting zombies and big hulking virus monsters from hell, we finally got normal watch duty."
Soldier 2: "Yeah. Standing on a rooftop, looking at the city, no undead walking around to eat you, no virus coming to whack you. Peace and quiet… and Normal.
- During the mission "A Nest of Vipers", Heller, disguised as a Blackwatch trooper, can still pick up weaponry that's usually vehicle mounted without blowing your cover, if you do, one remarks:
Blackwatch Soldier: "Ho— Holy shit, dude. You been workin' out?"
- The final boss starts out using the Blade power. If Heller attacks with his own Blade, the boss can block and counter, yelling "I'm using that!" as if Heller had broken the rules or something.
- If you use the blade for an action command during the second part of the fight Heller will say something along the lines of "should've stuck to using your blade".
- During a mission to infiltrate a Blackwatch base and consume a scientist by the name of Doctor Carson the base in question comes under attack from a Goliath, causing rubble to fall from the ceiling. After consuming the scientist the player is treated to this gem:
Pilot: "Doctor Carson, we’re ready for your pickup, but we can’t land until the, uh, disturbance on the ground is dealt with. Over."
Heller (as himself): "Roger th—(clears throat).”
Heller (as Doctor Carson): "Roger that. Let’s just hope someone can save our wuss asses from whatever the fuck is going on out there.”
Pilot: "Uh, right… Over and out.”
- During the mission to destroy the Whitelight barrels, it's possible to try to throw the barrel into the incinerator and miss completely, flinging the barrel into the bay.
Heller: Yeah! Fuck you, Mother Nature!
- Starting a New Game+ and using the Whipfist to abduct consume targets from rooftops. Blackwatch soldiers don't even seem to notice a comrade being speared by a giant red whip and reeled in like a fish.
- Can't forget the Penny Arcade homage: After all, what f**k else do you want!
- At the end, when Heller confronts the final boss, Heller delivers possibly the best Shut Up, Hannibal! of all time:
Mercer: "Can't you understand what I'm doing? Humanity is stagnant! Dying! I would give it one body! One mind! Think about it! No more conflict! No more disease! No more suffering! Don't you see? I'm giving it a second chance!"
Heller: "ENOUGH of your fucking weird, fucking rambling SHIT!"