Funny / Pathfinder: Kingmaker

The Stolen Lands hold equal opportunities for horror, heroics and hilarity. Unmarked spoilers below!

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Companions

• At the beginning of the game, Harrim is wounded and is ready to leave this world. However, the wound is only minor and he's very disappointed that he hasn't died yet.
• If you tell one of your companions you won't be needing their services anymore, they'll get confused. If you change your mind, you can pretend you're just kidding.
  The Baron/ess: I don't need your help anymore. Pack your things and leave.
  Amiri: Wha?
  The Baron/ess: Ha! You made such a funny face! Relax, I'm joking.
  Amiri: Your jokes are kind of shitty.
  • Try this with Linzi and she says she'll just keep following you around whether or not you like it. If you try to force her out, she sweetly threatens to make you sound like a jackass in her book.
• Regongar after killing a bunch of trolls.
  Regongar: What a pathetic bunch. You know what they say — don't ask for whom the bell trolls!
  The Baron/ess: That's cruel, Regongar. They ask for mercy, and you decide to finish them off with another horrific pun?
• Jubilost makes it very clear that he doesn't hold any of your companions in high regard.
  Jubilost: I'd be pleased to travel with you sometime, if you wanted to have a conversation with someone smarter than your usual companions.
  Octavia: What?! Travel with a pompous, self-centered buffoon like you?! You wish!
  Jubilost: Well, seeing as it isn't your decision to make, I suppose you'll have to suffer living in my shadow for a while.
• Anytime Jaethal and Tristian interact with each other, it invariably degenerates into them slinging backhanded compliments and straight insults at each other, still while maintaining their usual calm demeanors. You can interpret this in multiple ways.
  • Jaethal and Octavia as well. Jaethal would either tell her that she'd make for a pretty undead, or she would call Octavia ugly to her face. Octavia takes offense to all of these.
• Linzi's enthusiastic solution for dealing with the Bald Hilltop.
  Linzi: Yes, let's level the bald hilltop the the ground and put an end to the curse!
• The Inconsequential Debates, from start to finish:
  • The signs for the rules are cursed, resulting in Jubilost joining one of the other three cursed groups - two Gnomes who were turned into frogs, a paladin of Iomedae being stuck replacing random words with "tentacles", and a kobold only escaping being forced to scream randomly because he can't read and so asked someone else to read the rules for him.
  • The kobold competitor is utterly obsessed with becoming a dragon, to the point where he just answers "dragon" to pretty much everything - including Knight, Dragon, Snare.
  • Also, since the rules require coming in packs of three, the kobold was forced to convince a couple of random non-sentient animals to tag along because he doesn't have any friends.
  • During a conversation with the paladin, Jubilost will find he can't help but join in the tentacling despite not actually having that curse.
  • Finally, if you decide to use your prize question on asking the Host why they hold the debate, they'll say it's because they're bored and you try finding new things to do when you live forever.
• From one of Linzi's random quips:
  Linzi: Linzi the Illustrious? Linzi the... Magnificent? Something more simple like... Linzi the Great? Heh... perhaps Linzi the Indecisive!
  • And in the final page of the game's epilogue, she calls herself "Linzi-who-never-chose-a-pretty-nickname".
  • One of her random battle cries is: "And our mighty leader charges forwards— H-Hey! Wait for me!"
• Linzi pretty much becomes the Bearer of Bad News whenever one of the main crises strikes your kingdom. One way of responding to her is by growing progressively more frustrated and exasperated with every problem, to the point you can tell her to just get it over with as soon as she enters the throne room. The line where you blow up in her face is a gem in itself. Even better, this leads to Linzi and the Ruler briefly bickering in the middle of a crisis, in the throne room.
  King/Queen: Ha. 'Fire, your Highness!', 'Plague, your Highness'...I know I can always count on your for good news, Linzi!
• One of Tristian's random quips is him saying "Once a girl told me my eyes light up her world. I said that the blessing of Sarenrae will light up her soul. She seemed... disappointed." It's the genuinely confused and puzzled tone of the delivery that really sells it.
• Harrim makes a magnificent straight man, especially if you decide to mock him. He genuinely doesn't get it, and just sits there smiling. Heck, his introduction is hilarious. He thinks a wound that doesn't even require a potion unless he's being especially finicky, is a death wound. If he's told he's not dying? He just gets up and grumbles.
  • One of his campsite conversations has him talk about being laughed at for his beliefs while positing a Who's Laughing Now? scenario... only to realize that, given his personality, he still wouldn't be.
• Elina and Linzi organize a party for Ekun, but Elina uses this as an opportunity to get closer to him. During Linzi's show, Elina tries to stand closer to Ekun but he becomes flustered and moves closer to you. You can either take a step away or loudly proclaim he's crowding you while shoving him closer to Elina.
• One of the bits of gossip you can get from Elina is finding out that some of the young ladies in the kingdom have been faking being sick so they can spend time in the clinic Tristian is helping run because they think he's handsome.
• During Jaethal's quest, you run into a woman who would like to be turned undead. In exchange, she'll tell you the ritual of how Jaethal could be returned to life. Immediately after she kills herself, you can opt to renege on the deal entirely in a conversation along the lines of this.
  Jaethal: I don't want to bring her back to life.
  The Baron/ess: Neither do I.
  Jaethal: This is why I like you.
• If you have Octavia in your party when confronting Tsanna, after Tsanna talks about the wild mating rituals Lamashtu cultists undergo to make lots of babies, Octavia will pipe up that followers of Calistria get to have just as much fun but with fewer tentacles involved. This results in Tsanna getting defensive and talking up how they have primordial wisdom wild sex versus Calistria followers having frivolous sex... which if Valerie is also in your party, then leads Val to awkwardly protest:
  Valerie: Could we please skip the theological debate over which cult has better orgies?
• Amiri is pretty funny herself, if only due to her sheer directness. She approaches almost Goblin Slayer levels of focus on 'killing monsters.' Also, there's this bit at the PC's coronation:
  Linzi: My fellow citizens! I hereby introduce Hello, [Insert Name Here], your King/Queen and your undisputed leader! Now s/he stands before you, ready to accept your will! Everyone who has gathered here—are you ready to swear fealty to your new ruler?
  Ekundayo: I swear.
  Citizen: Erastil save the King/Queen!
  Citizen: Hail to the King/Queen!
  Citizen: We pledge our loyalty!
  Amiri: Yeah, yeah, sure! How much longer are you going to wag your tongues? It's time we start feasting in the chieftain's name!
  • Her reaction to Tristian's philosophy of turning the other cheek.
    Amiri: If someone hits you on the cheek, you just need to block it, counter-punch, then hit the bastard so hard his ears fall off! Just listen to yourself: mercy, forgiveness...
  • Also:
    Amiri: Tristian, why are you so boring?
  • Then there's the time she tries to wiggle out of paying him back for an unspecified debt.
    Amiri: If your Sarenrae forgives everyone and everything, maybe she'll forgive me about the couple of coins I owe you, huh?
    Tristian: Amiri, Amiri, Sarenrae forgives sins, not debts. She gives everyone a chance to atone for their mistakes. So, you have a chance to repay me!
• At one point during Tristian's romance quest, you'll find out that he asked Linzi of all people for advice, and she gave him a book which he is reading intently with extreme confusion. If you ask him if you can read it, you'll find out she lent him what is essentially the fantasy equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey. No wonder the poor boy was confused!
• Talking to Nok-Nok includes a whole section devoted to him almost obsessively talking about everything about Linzi with him expressing comical fear and disgust that she bathes herself, keeps her hair shiny, sings, and writes too much. You can then jokingly ask, "So no wedding, then?" to which he reacts in horror and almost vomits in response. Well, he does vomit - he just swallows it back down with a smile.
• Linzi embezzles funds from you to build a printing house, which gets intercepted by thieves. Naturally, she says this once you find the thieves:
  Linzi: We'll show them what happens when you take someone else's things without — ahem, we'll teach them a lesson!
• Ntavi, one of Ekun's friends, tells you that he used to be very talkative when they were friends. Hard imagining the glum and stoic ranger as anything but silent.
• Camp banters are always good for a laugh.
  • Kallike may wake up to discover that someone had tied a bell to her tail. Linzi completely fails at copsing as she claims it wasn't her.
  • At one point, Amiri discovers that her clothes had numerous flowers embroidered into them. Valerie apologizes, initially only intending to some repairs.
  • Octavia asks if Linzi can write a happy ending - the whole group dying together... which Linzi proceeds to add 'amidst the corpses of their enemies'' before clarifying that she doubts any of them are going to die quietly of old age.

Main Campaign

• Resolving a problem with a water nymph.
  Melianse: I used to think all you people were dumb and nasty, but you don't seem so bad. Let's be friends.
  The Baron/ess: [Hug Melianse] Of course we can be friends!
  Melianse: Eeewww, what are you doing? Stop that, come on!
• Stephano Moskoni, an ambassador from Pitax visits early on, pretty much belittling and badmouthing your barony all the while. You can answer him with a string of absolutely scathing insults, so much he remains speechless and storms out in humiliation.
  Baron/ess:' Sir Stefano, please be frank with me — have you ever had the pleasure of being acquainted with the hooves of a jackass. Other than your own, I mean?
• At the climax of the Bloom crisis, you have to kill a Kaiju-sized Owlbear attacking your capital. If you visit the capital's Tavern in the following chapter, you'll see they made a carpet out of him, and one big enough to cover half of the main hall at that! Not only that, but the new decor was enough to get Elina to change her tavern's name from the Beer Mug Inn to the Bear Rug Inn^note Click on the magnifying glass behind Elina to see the name.
• You encounter a crazy priest on Candlemere island and you could mock him.
  The Baron/ess: [Irony] Oh, so the great Nethys is just beyond this portal — yet the god of magic can't cross over on his own? Ha!
  • This is notable because this is the only time that the [Irony] option pops up.
• Shaynih'a, one of the merchants who crafts special items for you, is also a Spoony Bard with a case of Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!. The related quest is even called "One Thousand and One Questionable Stories"
• One encounter in the third chapter lets you join a tribe of Goblins for a feast. At the end, you're able to compose a war song for them by finishing their lines. They go along with whatever you suggest as long as you don't straight insult them. They also offer up a Gargle Blaster - failing the Constitution check there ends the event.
• There's also the Goblin Village, which features quite a few Ineffectual Sympathetic Villains:
  • A "questes" giver who wants you to feed its pet hydra, who you can either claim is Not Worth Killing or kill him for the deception afterward.
  • A goblin who continually taunts you into a bunch of traps - catching up to him prompts him to pass it off as a Secret Test of Character, and you can again decide whether to spare him or kill him.
  • And finally, a Goblin Merchant, who offers vastly overpriced items including a Masterwork Club that costs 123457 gold.
  • If you bring Jaethal to the Goblin Village, you get to watch her grow increasingly more frustrated with their antics, to the point that at the end she's ready to just be done.
    Jaethal: (if you agree to the "questes" giver) You can't be serious.
    Jaethal: (when discussing what to do with the survivors) What are you waiting for? Kill these miscreants, and let's move on. I'm fed up with this garbage heap.
• When confronting Munguk the hill giant, if Amiri's with you, you can jokingly suggest he marries her. She takes it for a laugh...until the giant shows actual interest in her, to which she replies with a verbatim "No. Just… No" Reaction and makes him back off on threatening to chop off his legs. This makes the giant sulk for a moment. If you talk Nok-Nok into dealing with the situation non-violently, he first sends the giant to your capital to find a mate, and then the drunk goblins there to find a home. Valerie is less than pleased with this result, as are (likely) you.
• While trying to find a some roc eggs for a quest, you discover a group of bandits with the same intentions. Rather than fight, you can opt to eavesdrop and the bandits start making fun of their leader for being scared of spiders.
  • If you listen long enough and have Regongar in your party, then the half orc will jump out at the bandits and shout "Boo!" Startling the leader so much he slips over the edge of a cliff and falls to his death!
• In an example of taking a third option not always being a good thing, you can resolve a feud between two cyclops by disenchanting the item they were contending for (which was magically charming them into coveting itself). Doing so makes them stand around for a moment wondering what they were doing again, then one of them proposes the other they go grab a snack. And conveniently enough, there are a few juicy humanoids nearby. As in, you.
• During the Rushlight Tournament, one of the bards recounts a tale of battling monsters...mousing over the word "Fearsome monster" opens a tooltip that simply says "Gazebo".
• Also at the Rushlight Tournament, you can either boast about your real accomplishments... or just bullshit entirely. In the latter case, on a success... what you come up with is the actual plot of the Reign of Winter adventure path. Rasputin and all.
• At a certain point, your royal throne will go missing. Until you resolve that problem, your king/queen will awkwardly receive their guests on a stool. And the one responsible? The aforementioned Goblin merchant! Even better, you can make him cry in order to get an achievement - just act as though you don't want the throne back, and he'll become more and more desperate to offload the thing because no one will so much as approach him while he's lugging it around!
• The book event as you enter the final dungeon. Made even funnier by the accompanying illustration: Octavia is trying to grab on to Regongar. Linzi is trying to grab your hand. Amiri meanwhile is just trying to keep hold of her sword.
  Linzi: [narrating] Each of us reached for the one they most feared to lose or the one they most wanted to hold on to...Except Harrim. He just folded his hands over his chest, calmly plummeting along with an air of mindful detachment.
• Prior to the 1.1 update, it was perfectly possible to make Valerie a Paladin of Shelyn.
• Speaking of the coronation, some of the evil options for the PC's speech are pure Black Comedy compared to the other ones:
  Linzi: Will you honor the old ways and traditions, which spread throughout these lands long before your time, and will you abide its laws, which all accept?
  Chaotic Evil PC: Laws? I don't give a fig about laws. I am the power and I am the law: if during breakfast I wish to hear innocents screaming on the rack--then I will hear it!
• The goblins in Nok-Nok's village start out seeming like comically pathetic Ineffectual Sympathetic Villains, since you basically see them over and over again trying to tame the giant monsters they find, only for the monsters to invariably decide to eat them instead to absolutely nobody's surprise that isn't a goblin. (Though granted this perception might change when you find out what else they've been doing...)
• Nok-nok versus the Goblin king is basically the goblins messing with each other and the one who gets humiliated the most loses.
• If you have Jubilost as an advisor (and thus in your Throne Room), when Willas Gunderson shows up to give you the Curse of Candlemere quest, Jubilost will spend the entire conversation cheerfully roasting Willas on everything from his sanity to his academic credentials to his appearance and delights in poking holes in his story and making fun of his ideas if you give him an opening. May become Harsher in Hindsight in-universe when the Baron/ess finds out Jubilost was not exaggerating Willas's questionable sanity and arrogant overestimation of his own intelligence, as Willas's poorly-considered actions are inadvertently responsible for Varnhold's destruction.
• A series of encounter areas around Pitax chronicle the misadventures of an Academy of Arts student impersonating a cultist of Charon and trying to bind a daemon, but he always screws up the summoning and runs away leaving the real cultists to die. Why is he doing all this? Daemons stole the soul of his favorite writer and he wants to know how the series ends.
• The wizard, Blakemoore, and his furious squirrels, which are functionally identical to the spider and mandragora swarms, but made of angry squirrels that he sics on devils.
• When invading Pitax's royal palace, you find out that not every guard is willing to take on a high-level party of adventurers.
  Pitax Guard #1: Don't hit me! I'm not a soldier, I just mop the floors!
  Pitax Guard #2: And I'm... I'm a cook! This isn't a sword, it's just a kitchen knife!
  Pitax Guard #3: Don't touch us! See? We are leaving!
• During "Kingdom of the Cleansed", you and Tristian go out into the capital streets to gain information about some cultists. You're supposed to be doing so incognito, but upon hearing your name get slandered by one of the cultists, Amalia, you can blow your cover out of indignation:
  Baron/ess: Are you aware that I am the very same baron/ess who you are condemning?
  (Tristian looks at you fiercely, trying very hard to maintain his polite smile)
  • Luckily, Amalia brushes your words off. Why? Because she has an obvious crush on Tristian and doesn't want to believe he'd associate with the Baron/ess.
• Using the chaotic option to make Irovetti suspicious of Stefano Moskoni during the Pitax main square confrontation results in the beleaguered noble, probably the most loyal supporter Irovetti has left at this point, pretty much going "You know what, I'm done with this. For [PlayerName]!"

Varnhold's Lot

• The way that Maegar and Cephal argue constantly over literally everything like an old married couple is hilariously endearing. Especially since in a conversation where you potentially roleplay which one you often side with, you can instead say you often feel like whacking them both upside the head a bit.
  • The game then parodies them when you find an illusory version of the two of them in the main dungeon. The best part? The illusions are basically arguing about kingdom management.
    Fake Cephal: You understand nothing of town planning! A hospital must be built on a cursed cemetery!
    Fake Maegar: Cephal, you're out of your mind! A cursed cemetery is a better place for a mill. The hospital goes in the plague wasteland!
    Fake Cephal: All right, but then the castle should go in a feverish swamp!
    Fake Maegar: But we don't have a feverish swamp!
    Fake Cephal: What?! Then we shall have to take one from our neighbors! We must live somewhere!
• While investigating Willas Gunderson, you can seduce him such that after the Fade to Black, the bed is destroyed and the innkeeper is complaining about holes in the ceiling. Just what did you get up to?
• The Breather Episode after dealing with the City of Hollow Eyes sets the General against a Galtan agent provocateur stirring up trouble in the town. With the right skill checks, the peasants she's riled up will knock her on the head and apologize for bothering you.
• Uncovering all the clues at the Blackstone Ford investigation reveals the rather darkly hilarious story of a Cannibal Clan that tried to kill and eat some travelers...who turned out to be lycanthropes trying to lie low, killed their attackers in self-defense and then, in a panic, attempted to impersonate them. The lycanthropes never even realized the innkeeper's family had been eating people.

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