Funny / Adventures in Odyssey

  • Near the end of the otherwise emotional episode "Connie", when Connie returns to Whit's End, we hear in passing how the Bible Room has been empty ever since Eugene (newly arrived and still getting used to working here) added a display depicting the Spanish Inquisition.
    • Eugene has also changed the menu to a more "healthy" selection, complete with vegetable flavored ice cream (mentioned in Best Face Forward).
  • In one of the sketches in the KYDS Radio episode "The Devil Made Me Do It," a criminal pleads not guilty of breaking-and-entering and robbery in court because "the devil made me do it." As he puts it, "He kept talking to me, you know, tempting me, and before I knew it, I was in somebody's house at midnight stuffing a VCR in my pants."
  • One of the funniest out-of-context lines from "It Ended With A Handshake":
    • Also, when Eugene realizes that Katrina took the disk full of love letters and journal entries about his feelings for her:
    Connie: He took that better than I thought.
    • This exchange:
    Connie: Would I snoop around in something that wasn't mine?
    Eugene: In a heartbeat.
  • In "First Hand Experience", when Eugene tries to spin around and randomly point to a place on a map to go to on his "expedition to himself":
    Eugene: My pilgrimage will be to...there!
    Bernard: That's the sign for the women's room.
  • In "A Book By Its Cover", Connie and Eugene attempt to tell Jack that they didn't like his painting:
    Connie: Well, maybe "terrible" is too strong a word.
    Eugene: "Wholly inadequate" is a description.
    Connie: "Awful", maybe—
    Eugene: "Amateurish".
    Connie: "Ugly".
    Eugene: "Not suitable for public exposure".
  • This exchange, in the otherwise serious Cold Open to "A Name, Not A Number, Part 1":
    Mustafa: Now why would a toy shop need a subsonic transmitter?
    Tasha Forbes: ...It's cheaper than direct dialing?
  • Cryin' Bryan Dern's antics in Top This when he hears that Odyssey 105 will flip formats to polka (which is later revealed to be a publicity stunt Dern himself concocted); but especially this scene near the end:
    Dern: This is Cryin' Bryan Dern goin' into my 95th hour of being on the air. Whaddaya wanna do? Maybe I should play a song.'s one. I can't tell you what it is, because my contact lenses have become a permanent part of my eyeballs and...everything's kinda blurry. I can't seem to get this disk in the player. Forget it. Maybe I should sing a little song...I'll do a little song that my mother used to I never knew my thumb could do this. I know. Let's have a moment of silence for...somebody. Are we at war or anything? Give me some ideas people, will...yes, we have a caller. We have a caller! You're on the air.
    Caller: Yes, my hamster's been kind of sick lately.
    Dern: Perfect. What's your hamster's name?
    Caller: Binky.
    Dern: Great! Let's have about an hour of silence for Binky. Wake me up when you're done.
    • Earlier in the same episode, we get this sequence.
      Dern: "Okay, we still don't have a winner in the 'What is He Saying' contest, I'll play the clip again."
      Singer (played by music director John Campbell) sings gibberishnote .
      Dern: "What is he saying?"
  • In "The Decision", when Connie finds out from a caller on her radio show that some guy heard about the possibility of Whit leaving on another lengthy trip through Eugene...and Jack and Jason...and Tom and Bernard. She keeps a passive-aggressive cool up until the show signs off:
    Connie: Join me tomorrow for more Candid Conversations With Connie, here on KYDS Radio. YOU'RE LEAVING AGAIN?!
  • "Bad Luck": Robyn's dream while recuperating at home after her bicycle crash... at least at first. What's particularly funny about it is the listener isn't aware it's a dream at first, but it becomes obvious once events take a turn for the bizarre, including Robyn's father nailing a horseshoe above the door to the bedroom - without taking it off the horse.
  • When Rodney complains that his mother's attempts to make him clean up his dirty clothes will make his gang call him "sissy":
    Doris: Oh, quit your griping. I had a cousin named Sissy once. It's a very nice name.
  • Jared DeWhite, Odyssey's resident Conspiracy Theorist.
    Jared: Don't you think it's a scam? Who does this? Rides a bike across the country. What if there's a thunderstorm?
    Whit: Well, I imagine he takes shelter when he needs to.
    Jared: I'll tell you what he does. After he bikes through the city, he rides the next 100 miles in an air conditioned camper. Until he gets to the next city. Everybody thinks he's out there working and sweating. When he's really sitting on an exercise bike while he watches TV and eats fig bars!!!!
    • His interactions with Sarah Pratchett are golden.
      Jared: In 1984, the president got on TV. He said children are getting smarter and smarter and soon they'll be smarter than us. So from now on, we'll teach 'em lies. Everyone thought it was a great idea and they've been teaching kids wrong stuff ever since.
      Sarah: You're a sad little boy.
      Jared: And you're just as ignorant as the rest of the youth of America.
  • From a behind-the-scenes episode where the directors felt the narrator Chris was acting a little too "perky":
    Chris: I can un-perk it!
    Chris: (in a seething monotone) Watch this unperkiness. Hi. This is Chris. Welcome to-
    Director: Oh, please.
    [Chris laughs]
  • From "Tornado!":
    Doris Rathbone: Y'know, Bart, we oughta get home, too. We ain't done nothin' to protect our house!
    Bart: There's no protectin' our house as long as Rodney is livin' there.
    Rodney: Thanks, pop!
    • Also from "Tornado!", one of the most quintessential Bart lines:
    Customer: 'Scuse me, you the manager?
    Bart: It depends.
  • The entirety of "The Y.A.K. Problem", where the kids are convinced by Nathaniel that a new member of the city council is going to outlaw any and all fun and games throughout the entire city. Hilarity Ensues as the kids attempt to live it up before everything is taken away.
    • Harlow Doyle misinterprets the "Y.A.K" problem as being that Odyssey is going to be invaded by yaks and hatches a plan to send the yaks away.
      Harlow: (as Nathaniel tries to explain what's actually going on) Due to my new-found knowledge [of yaks], I'll come up with a solution to getting rid of all the yaks!
      Nathaniel: Mr. Doyle, it's a new law-
      Harlow: My plan is to gather up all the yaks we can find and calmly explain to them in plain English that they are supposed to be in Central Asia...
      Nathaniel: They've got this new lady on the city council-
      Harlow: ...and just so there's no hard feelings we'll offer to take them back...wonder if they can all fit in the bus...
      Nathaniel: They're taking away all of our ice cream and candy!
      Harlow: (appalled) Huh?! Great Britain Oxen! My book said they only eat plants! I'm taking this book back to the library and I'll come back with a new plan! Harlow Doyle is on the case!
      Nathaniel: Oh boy...
    • In the ensuing chaos from the kids' mass hysteria, Whit's End becomes a total zoo from the massive crowd of kids (hyperactive from binge-eating candy and ice cream) all piling on the inventions and attractions, during which Eugene runs up to an exhausted Whit in a panic to report this:
      Eugene: (out-of-breath) Mr. Whittaker! I need your assistance! I've lost control of the situation! About ten kids tried to stuff themselves into the Imagination Station! I can't get them out! They're having an adventure with George Washington crossing the Delaware and there's so many of them that they're sinking the boat!
    • Nathaniel and the other kids acting hung-over after eating so much candy.
    • After the school assembly where the YAK program is going to be discussed is bumped up a day and the kids think Whit's End is about to be closed down, the kids protest in some rather entertaining ways:
      Pete: What are you doing, Sarah?
      Sarah: I'm tying myself to the monkey bars. If they're going to bulldoze this park they're going to bulldoze me with it! Come on, park-killer, try me!
      Pete: There's nobody even in the bulldozer.
      Sarah: I know. Let me know if somebody actually starts driving it; I don't want to get hurt or anything.
      • "I give you: the yo-yo. It goes down, it goes back up, then it goes down again. To adults, this is a useless plaything, but I tell you: Yo-yos use up time when kids could be breaking various laws! Depleting the ozone layer! Selling military secrets!"
      • Pete later gets in on the protesting:
      Nathaniel: (as kids are urging Pete to stay on) What's Pete doing on the merry-go-round?
      Sarah: He's going on a spin strike. He's going to spin continuously until they repeal the law. So far he's spun for two-and-a-half hours.
      Nathaniel: He's looking kind of green...
      Sarah: He's starting to hallucinate, too.
      Pete: Mar-wy had a wittle wamb...
  • The entirety of I Slap Floor.
  • The Live Episode "Mandy's Debut"...pretty much all of it, in particular the first half: a "Rashomon"-Style bit where Eugene, Connie, Bernard, and Mandy are worried about Whit because he hasn't shown up at Whit's End yet after going to the hospital, and everyone blames themselves for it, thinking they had somehow injured Whit enough to send him there. (Connie thinks she gave Whit food poisoning from bad mayonnaise on a sandwich that she fixed him, Mandy thinks a bite wound made by her hamster got infected, Eugene thinks Whit threw out his back trying help Eugene move some boxes, and Bernard thinks Whit injured himself when Whit slipped on some spilled washing fluid.) Hilarity Ensues in their recollections of the stories, particularly the last three ones:
    • Mandy's side of the story: Mandy's hamster viciously bites Whit several times and sends blood everywhere, Bernard is unusually chipper, and then Eugene comes in:
    Eugene: Mr. Whittaker, could you help me move this- (gasp) Oh no! You're bleeding profusely! I believe I am going to pass out...ohhhhh... (wham!)
    • Eugene's side of the story: Everyone is talking like Eugene.
    Mandy: Mr. Whittaker, gaze upon my recently acquired pet!
    Whit: How nice, a small Eurasian rodent known as a hamster...from the middle-German "hamstür"...
    Bernard: Whit! Are you alright? I just mopped, it's a little slippery.
    Whit: I think I'm ok...the floor looks great close up, by the way...
    • And then, in the end, Whit finally shows up and explains to everyone that he was actually visiting a friend of his at the hospital. When asked what happened to her:
    Whit: Oh, that poor woman. It's the strangest thing: She ate some bad mayo on a sandwich and got sick, but on the way to the bathroom, she slipped on her freshly waxed floor and knocked over a huge hamster cage. She tried to pick the cage up and threw out her back, and then the hamster escaped and was so mad it bit her on the hand! Can you imagine all of that happening to the same person at the same time?
  • "Broken Window": During the impromptu "trial" over who broke a window in Whit's End, Rodney unexpectedly calls Mitch ("whatever-your-last-name-is") as a character witness.
    • Even funnier when you remember that Mitch's real name is Robert Mitchell.
      Mitch: Why in the world would you want me for a character witness?
      Rodney: YOU DON'T KNOW ME VERY WELL! ...That helps.
      • Funnier still: They are voiced by the same actor.
    • "I can't get a lawyer that soon; Uncle Louie's in prison for another six weeks!"
  • "Break A Leg" is a gold mine. Cal Jordan accidentally crashes his bike into Walter Shakespeare and breaks Shakespeare's leg, leaving him bedridden and unable to assemble the bike race he and Edwin are putting on to promote the Harlequin Theatre, and it could not be plainer that Edwin is nigh-incapable of functioning on his own:
    Edwin: Precisely how do you call a cab, Shakespeare?
    Shakespeare: ...With the phone, sir.

    Edwin (on the phone): No, no, no, I'm not performing. ...Well, you don't have to sound so pleased!

    Edwin: I, on the other hand, may need weeks of recovery—not to mention shock therapy.
    • He has to ask Cal how to run a stopwatch.
    Cal: Is there anything else?
    Edwin: Well...since you're on a are you with, say...microwave ovens?
    • At the very beginning, as Edwin bemoans the Harlequin's lack of clientele:
    Edwin: Today my soliloquy was interrupted three times by someone snoring. And I'd swear it sounded as if it came from backstage.
    Shakespeare (flustered): Really? Uh...the acoustics can be very deceptive, sir.
    • He also apparently once performed a scene from Hamlet for Shakespeare in the Park while a boombox thudded in the background and found himself rapping the "to be or not to be" soliloquy.
    Shakespeare: It...drew a crowd, sir.
    Edwin: Only because I threw out my back doing the hand gestures!
    • How hilariously plain it is that Cryin' Bryan Dern might prefer any number of excruciating tortures than to be covering this bike race.
    "Edwin Blackgaard, the organizer of the race, looks like he's doing the death scene from Richard III. Or maybe he always looks that way."

    "What could be better than dozens of kids riding their bikes over a nearly impossible track to win a new bike? [indistinguishable muttering] Oh! And a pass to the Harlequin! Other than waiting for my Aunt Edna's varicose veins to heal, I can't think of a thing."
    • Midway through the race:
    "I see two cyclists who have taken the lead. It's, kid and another kid."
  • Alex's grandparents in Relatively Annoying.
    • Grandma Jefferson makes her own ketchup with her feet.
  • "Grand Opening, Part 1":
    Alex: Our napkin dispenser might be bugged!
    Sarah: Yup. I knew it'd happen sooner or later. Too many video games. Turns your brain into macaroni and cheese.
  • "Do Or Diet" has some absolutely hilarious lines, many within around the first ten minutes:
    Connie: I'm tired of being stuck here. I've been praying and praying!
    Ricky McLean: Hello, hello! And hello again! Isn't it a be-yoo-tiful day?
    Bernard: I think I'll start praying now.
    • As Connie considers taking up personal health training:
    ConnieMaybe that's something I should look into; I'm pretty health-conscious!
    Bernard: Oh, yeah, she walks all the way to the restroom instead of taking the trolley.

    Connie: Maybe this is the answer to my prayer!
    Bernard: If he's the answer to your prayer, I don't even wanna know what you've been praying for.
    • Connie trying to convince Bernard to lose weight:
    Connie: You have less muscle—
    Wooton: —and more fat!
    Bernard (defensively): Yeah, well, Maude calls them "cuddle bundles"!

    Wooton: You can't eat hot fudge without ice cream!
    Bernard: And you can't eat ice cream without cake; I found that out last night.
    Wooton: You mean...cheat? [on a mile run]
    Bernard: Cheat or die sweaty. Your choice.

    Bernard: We'll lose the weight, but we'll maintain quality of life.
    Wooton: What do you mean by "quality of life"?
    Bernard: I stuffed a couple of Ding-Dongs down my shirt.

    Connie: You did it, Bernard! You ran two miles! How're you doing?
    Bernard: I'd have to get better to die.

    Bernard: What happened to your eyebrows, Wooton?
    Wooton: Well, I figured they must weigh something.
    Whit: I've never seen such short fingernails!
    Wooton: Oh, yeah, thanks! Hey, uh, isn't it true that you can survive with only one kidney?

    • Bernard and Wooton plan a diversion to steal some brownies:
    Bernard: You need to create a diversion.
    Wooton: Oh, yeah! Like in PowerBoy where they, uh, hoot and holler n' stuff?
    Bernard: Yeah—or make up some not-too-tragic tragedy to keep her attention off me.
    [as they walk in]
    Wooton: Hoot! Holler! Hoot! Holler!
    Connie: Wooton, what are you doing?
    Wooton: Uh, some not-too-tragic tragedy has happened!

    Bernard: it is...chocolate gold.
    Wooton: Yeah—uh, it’s a little squashed.
    Bernard: I was practically running a marathon with it!
    Wooton: It’s sweaty.
    Bernard: Yeah, well, salt adds flavor.
    Wooton: There’s gravel in it.
    Bernard: I dropped it once...or maybe twice...
    Wooton: Oh, that explains the shoe print.

    Connie: Wooton, you lost a total of twelve pounds!
    Wooton: Wow! And I still have my appendix!

    • When Whit, surprisingly, fails to lose all the weight, but the three decide to continue on the diet regimens:
    Whit: And I'll keep eating salads.
    Wooton: Your job seems easier.
    Bernard: You haven't tasted his salads.
  • In "The Taming of the Two", Edwin Blackgaard's New England Shakespeare tour was cancelled, and he gives the reason why only he has returned to Odyssey without Shakespeare:
    Edwin: There was only enough money for one first class ticket. So he volunteered to hitchhike back.
    • From the same episode, Edwin and Malcolm Lear arguing during a rainstorm...using dramatically delivered Shakespearean insults.
  • The many Imagine Spots in "Called On In Class", where Trent (who is nervous about reading a school report in front of his class) imagines the increasingly crazy ways his reading could go wrong or how he could get out of it. One way in particular that he dreams up is that he's reading it in front of his class, then the first grade class, then the school principal, and the state governor after having lost his pants, followed by him imagining all of them mobbing him after he finishes and the governor threatening to call in the National Guard.
  • This exchange from "Bernard and Saul":
    Bernard: Well, that wasn't the end of Saul's story, but do you get the point by now?
    Bernard: Exactly, d—no! Try again.
    Trent: Don't throw spears at harpists?
  • "Fairy Tale-E-Vision" is another KYDS Radio sketch, comprised of Little Miss Muffet flipping through the channels in Fairy-Tale Land. It's a funny episode in general, but morals aside, the highlight be an out-of-context news hook.
    Female Announcer: And what are little boys made of? The answer may surprise you.
  • This exchange when Mandy tries to comfort Liz over the huge zit she just got in "Lost By A Nose":
    Liz: There's nothing good you can say about it!
    Mandy: It''s symmetrical!
  • This slightly self-deprecating exchange from "Wooing Wooton":
    Grady McKay: See, I could've gotten away with it, but...I've decided to do what's right!
    Winston Bassett: If I had a sucker, I'd give it to you.
  • In one episode, "Hold Up", a man holds Connie and Eugene at gunpoint to rob Whit's End. After a bit of snarking between the pair, the gunman states
    Connie: Barely!