Doctor:Hrrrt, zubbit, zubbit. Gidge-uh-gidge-uh-gidge-uh, ca-caw! Ca-caw!— Skagra: Doctor... Doctor: Hold on, here's the good stuff. Nuganuga, Hwah, hwah — Of course you realise, I'm paraphrasing. Skagra:Doctor... Doctor: Skagra, you realise this book doesn't make one bit of sense? Skagra: Doctor, a fool would realise that this book was written in code! Doctor:Skagra!! Skagra:WHAT? Doctor: This book's written in code! Skagra: *Face Palm*
Also from the same audiobook but this time with illustrations by Twirlynoodle.
Clare: What about the mass spectrometer? Chris: Oh, I got a result from the mass spectrometer, all right. Clare: What? Chris: It blew up.
In another Big Finish audio, "The Time of the Daleks", the Eighth Doctor tries describing the Dalek mutants to his newest female companion, Charley Pollard:
Doctor: Think of your worst nightmare, think of the most repellent disgusting nauseating thing you can possibly imagine, think of pure evil made malignant flesh! Charley: Is that what it's like? Doctor: No, it's a thousand times worse.
Eight and the ROSM Robot's interactions in "Embrace The Darkness" add quite a bit of levity to what is otherwise a rather disturbing audio:
ROSM: Do you have any other information? Doctor: What's this, idle curiosity? ROSM: Please answer the question. Doctor: Uh... I... have no... bananas... today. ROSM: In the absence of an intelligible response, I shall proceed.
In "Invaders from Mars", when the Doctor finds himself accidentally replacing a 1940's gumshoe and decides to run with it:
Doctor: So, Miss Bee, what's the rumpus? You cracking foxy with me, or is you in trouble with the bricks? They gonna drag you down to the hole because some guy got shot through the pump with a heater? Charley: ... are you all right?
The best part of that story, set around the time of Orson Welles's infamous broadcast of The War of the Worlds, is during a confrontation between The Doctor, a gangster (Don Cheney), a Russian spy and a gossip columnist (It Makes Sense in Context) about who has custody of the aliens that have crash landed on Earth. One of Cheney's henchmen comes running up to him, having heard the broadcast:
Henchman: Boss! They're here! The aliens! They've landed! Beat Cheney: WE KNOW THAT YOU PUTZ! WHADDA YA THINK THIS WHOLE GODDAMN CIRCUS HAS BEEN ABOUT?!
There's also a really funny bit when the two aliens, Destroyer Streath and Conserver Noriam, sheepishly admit that they're not really the vanguard of an invasion fleet (it's more in the delivery than anything else):
Noriam: Oh be quiet, Streath; we can't destroy anything and you know it. We... we... haven't got the... firepower.
Doctor: But I have to go! The fate of the entire universe is at stake! Angvia:The Universe can WAIT!I AM A WOMAN!!
Another highlight of that story has to be the Doctor winning the Intergalactic Song Contest... by playing the spoons.
The entirety of the Big Finish audio "Omega" is one big CMoF. Everyone gets to ham it up, but the prize goes to Daland, an in-story Large Ham who proudly tells anyone who'll listen how he won three awards acting in a soap opera on channel 3084 — before taking a starring role as Omega as part of a cheesy reenactment for a Time Lord history tour for old ladies.
Professor Ertikus: "There's something I've been meaning to ask you. Why are you here on this ship? I thought that the Doctor and I-" Daland: "Oh we're just here to conduct the marriage ceremony." Ertikus: "What? Marriage?" Daland: "Oh, didn't you know? That's why we're here. Sentia's getting married to the ghost of Omega and they're setting up house in a world of antimatter." Ertikus: "Oh really?" Daland: "I suppose I should look on the bright side. It saves me buying them a toaster."
The Doctor (well, Omega convinced he's the Doctor) gets a great moment where he verbally pwns an obnoxious bookstore-bot that nags him into buying a copy of Omega's biography:
Doctor: You, my metal friend, are an electronic mugging machine. Robot: Would you like to consider other related titles, sir? Doctor: No, I think "electronic mugging machine" will quite suffice.
The talking Omega dolls in the gift shop
Sentia: Can I interest you in a talking Omega doll? It says four different phrases. Doctor: Sounds like the Omega I know. Omega Doll: I, Omega, will have my revenge.
"Horror of Glam Rock" is a pretty funny Eight audio in general, but special props go to an exchange between the Doctor and Lucie. She wonders if there's something wrong with her, that she could still be hungry while people are being torn to pieces outside. He assures her it's perfectly okay... then steals her donut.
Also, there's the special glam-rock version of the theme song, which has to be heard to be believed. Yeah yeah yeaaaaah!
In "The One Doctor": Trans-dimensional shelving, the Portaloo STARDIS, and absolutely everything about the Jelloid, just for starters.
Don't forget the end, where the Doctor convinces the Big Bad that he's actually the conman Banto Zame, and vice versa... by making out with Banto's accomplice Sally-Anne.
Doctor: Well, if I was the Doctor, I would certainly never do....THIS! (grabs Sally Ann and kisses her passionately) Big Bad: [Absolutely stunned] Noooo. No. The Doctor certainly wouldn't do that.
There's also the story-long insult match between Banto and the Doctor. Culminating in Banto's immortal line:
Doctor: If I have to endure another insult- Banto: Oh here we go, another voyage 'round the English language! Mel: QUIET!
The bit where Banto Zame, Sally-Ann, the Doctor, and Mel all have to take off in Banto's fake time machine, the STARDIS... which is decidedly notBigger on the Inside, and dematerialises with a toilet-flush version of the TARDIS's vworp-wvorp.
Another Big Finish adventure, Davros, where the Sixth Doctor and some friends have snuck into a restricted hangar, aware that some foul play is afoot, and observing a shuttle being unloaded from behind some crates, talking in hushed whispers...
Doctor: Kim, can you see what's happening? Kim: They're unloading something...it's horrible! Doctor: Shhhhh!! Don't raise your voice! Kim: It's a body. A mutilated body. Doctor: Let me have a look...DAVROS?!?![running out of cover]Oi! You there! You! There!
The Doctor and Davros steadily ratcheting up efforts to dick with each other as they are forced to work together. Seeing two such powerful, vast intelligences reduced to bickering children is simply hilarious.
Davros: Goodbye, Doctor. I shall... miss you. [snickers] but then... a nuclear bomb [chuckles] — that couldn't possibly miss! [full-tilt psychotic cackling] NOT AT THAT RANGE!AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHH!!!
There's also a great bit where he's working himself up into his usual state trying to get his new pals to stop the Doctor from interfering with his plans, but at the same time trying to keep his Civilian Villain cover in place as much as possible. Leads to a marvellous Last-Second Word Swap:
Davros:The Doctor is dangerous!HE-SHOULD-BE— ... [Almost chokes on the word] ... in-car-cerated.
Pretty much the entirety of "Loups-Garoux" goes between CMOF and Ho Yay. But the crowning moment has to be the marriage cliffhanger.
Goat Chop and Celery.
"The Kingmaker" has its moments. The mental image of a procession of curious time travellers pestering and paparazzi'ng the infamous Richard III throughout his life has to top it though.
The Fifth Doctor gets in even more than his usual amount of snark: "I'm a correspondent from the 'Good Cell Guide' and I haven't enjoyed my stay at all. I'm awarding you four out of five slop buckets."
"I will be your serving wench for this evening. Would you prefer to sit in carousing or non-carousing?"
"The Gathering": Tegan force-feeds the Doctor his own lapel celery.
In "Orbis", Eight has been stranded without his TARDIS for six hundred years, and is (once again) suffering from amnesia. Another time traveler grabs his former companion Lucie, thinking to use her as leverage against him, but he's forgotten who she is — which, given that she thought he was dead and has spent the last six months mourning him, does not go over well. Her response? Bitch slap him while spelling her name out letter by letter. It works.
"Max Warp" — all of it. The entire episode is a massive, unapologetic Take That to Top Gear. Space Richard Hammond violently dies in a crash live on air in the opening scene, Space Jeremy Clarkson is a complete and total dick in overly tight jeans, and Space James May is repeatedly told to "SHUT UP" by everybody. In the end, the show is re-tooled into a mellow discussion panel on engines and caravan holidays, which Lucie notes will probably be cancelled within a month.
Eight gets a great snarky comeback to the Cybermen in "Human Resources":
You're telling me you don't recognize your archenemy? Surely I'm the most arch enemy you've got!
"Zagreus", apart from being one hell of a Mind Screw, has the Eighth Doctor telling Rassilon to shut it:
Doctor: So what have you got squirelled away [here]? The Hairdryer of Rassilon? The Hoover of Rassilon? The Rassilon Patent Trouser Press? "These creases last forever!"
When the TARDIS locks Zagreus inside a semi-metaphorical Schrödinger's Cat lead box, Zagreus tells her that he's dead now, so she'd better let him out. When the TARDIS pointedly remarks that dead people generally don't talk, Zagreus tries to convince her that she's mad for talking back to a dead person, so she'd better let him out.
When the TARDIS disappears in Zagreus, Romana is notified of the occurrence through a message from Gallifrey's watchtower, interrupting the writing of what seems to be a novel starring a very thinly-veiled Expy of the Doctor. Romana gets mad at K9, who was recording the novel, for not telling her of the occurance. K9, in response, plays back a message from earlier, with her response being to tell him to essentially shut up:
Romana: I shall be dictating chapter 3 to you now, K9. No interruptions, is that understood? Gallifrey, the vortex, the fate of the universe, they can all go hang.
In "Caerdroia", the Kro'ka tries to Mind Rape the Doctor. This is genuinely terrifying until the Kro'ka has penetrated all of the Doctor's mental barriers and ends up deep inside the Doctor's mental inner sanctum... where he promptly falls down the Doctor's nearby mental waterslide. It turns out the Doctor's screaming was all an act. The Doctor can't stop laughing at him.
"The Company of Friends": "Benny's Story", which features Benny re-teaming up with the Eighth Doctor, manages to sneak in a sly reference to the end of The Dying Days, which ended with Benny snogging the Doctor before the scene "fades to black".
"Heroes of Sontar": The Doctor's string of meddling in Sontaran military protocol.
"The Maltese Penguin": Frobisher spends almost the entire episode shapeshifted into the Sixth Doctor. Including his voice. This leads to Colin Baker impersonating Robert Jezek playing Frobisher pretending to be the Doctor. It is completely glorious.
In "Brotherhood of the Daleks", we get to hear the Daleks singing. And surprisingly, they're not entirely tone deaf!
"The Chimes Of Midnight" is considered one of the best Doctor Who stories in any medium. Partly because of its absolutely heart-wrenching plot and tremendously high content of creepines... and partly because it's done entirely in the style of classic Absurdism.
At one point, Frederick references Agatha Christie and says he drives a Chrysler. However, as the Doctor points out, it's 1906; Agatha Christie's first novel won't be published until 1920, and Chrysler cars won't exist until 1924. The servants promptly change their story, which leads to fantastic Black Comedy once Frederick is murdered and Mary starts to cry about him and his "Chrysler! Or possibly Bentley!".
"The Mutant Phase" is one of the most confusing episodes out there, with a Timey-Wimey Ball the size of Skaro. It firmly reaches Black Comedy, though, once the Dalek Emperor, who's copied himself into the body of a Thal, gets stuck in the middle of the Dalek invasion. Yes, thatDalek invasion. He desperately tries to explain to the 22nd century Daleks that the Doctor is their mortal enemy, that exterminating him won't help because a younger him will still defeat them all in the future, and that time travel is in fact possible. Needless to say, they think he's mad.
"Farewell, Great Macedon" (based on an unproduced script from the First Doctor era) has this scene when the Tardis crew are accused of killing Alexander's friends (partially extrapolated from indirect speech):
Alexander: I cannot close my eyes to Antipater's argument, for it is true that since your arrival, three deaths have occurred. Nor can I ignore the way you have fought off the accusations like truly innocent men. Therefore, I have decided to compromise. I will punish only one of you. You are to die, Ian. Susan: No, you can't do that! The Doctor: I won't allow it, young man! Barbara: If Ian is to die, then I will die with him! Susan: And so will I! And so will Grandfather! The Doctor: Now, just a second, child... er... oh very well then. We'll all die together.
William Russell's performance as the Doctor here is priceless.
Mel and the Doctor meet Naysmith. Then they meet Elder Bones:
Mel: Hello. I'm Mel, this is the Doctor. Naysmith: It's their ritual, Elder Bones. She says "Hello, I'm Mel, this is the Doctor", and he ignores everyone. Mel: [to the Doctor] Got you sized up, hasn't she?
The Doctor doesn't text well:
Mel: [The text is] from someone called "Mindy Ourhead". Rogers: Mindy who? Doctor: Mind your head! [he drops from the ceiling on top of them] Hello, Mel. Did you miss me? Mel: [incredulous] Mindy Ourhead? Doctor: My finger slipped on the space button. Well, it's hard to text and cling onto an air conditioning vent on the ceiling at the same time!
The Lost Story "Prison in Space" has the scene where everyone, last of all Jamie, realises just who would be best suited to go undercover Disguised in Drag.
From "Whispers of Terror":
Peri: It's a dim and dusty corridor, Doctor. Can't we just leave? Sixth Doctor: Leave?! Leave?! Do you mean, go away and never know?! Wander for all eternity and never know where we were?! What might have been, what was to come?! Peri: Don't shout, Doctor! There might be- Sixth Doctor: SHOUT?!I don't shout! People who have to resort to shouting to get what they want are merely demonstrating the inherent paucity of their argument! It's something that I never, NEVER- Peri: All right, Doctor!! Sixth Doctor: Point made, I think.
In "Trouble In Paradise", the TARDIS key gets eaten by a goat. The Sixth Doctor has to improvise by holding the goat up against the TARDIS door and telepathically begging her to just let him in already. Then he insists on taking it along as a companion, despite Peri's utter exasperation. The entire audio is one massive Crowning Moment of Funny, really.
At the start of "Trial of the Valeyard", the Sixth Doctor finds himself back at the space station from "Trial of a Time Lord" and meets the same inquisitor. He then spends several minutes ranting about how he saved Gallifrey many times and that the Time Lords should show some gratitude...and is then informed that he isn't the one on trial.
"Wirrn Isle" has the Sixth Doctor getting fed up with the monsters' trite dialogue:
Wirrn: So... hungry... so... long... Sixth Doctor: Eh, I prefer "so long", if you're offering a choice!
In the "Fourth Doctor Adventures" story "The Dalek Contract," Cuthbert asks a Dalek if it is seriously suggesting exterminating its prisoners. The Dalek's response?