Fanfic / Fairy Tales and Hokum

Fairy Tales and Hokum (on FanFiction.Net here and on Archive of Our Own here) is a The Mummy fanfiction written by Belphegor, set two years after The Mummy Returns and intended to be a sequel of sorts. It went through some Development Hell: the author started writing in 2003, published the first chapters in 2004 and continued until 2008, where she got stuck about two thirds through - before getting inspiration back and finishing the story in 2019 and publishing the remaining chapters in the spring of 2020. The story is complete, which arguably is all that matters.

Our story starts in 1937 (The Mummy Returns being set in 1935), when the British government tasks Evelyn and Rick O'Connell with taking the diamond of Ahm Shere (which Jonathan sold to the Cairo Museum after the events of the film) to England for "protection" (against countries like Fascist Italy and Nazi Germany who have designs on the area). They take Alex with them, and Jonathan tags along.

While Evy and Rick negotiate the diamond's loan/purchase from the Cairo Museum, Jonathan bumps by chance into an old friend of his from his Oxford days, Tommy Ferguson. Unfortunately, they barely have time to catch up before the diamond is stolen from the Museum and the whole family is pulled into an adventure they might not come out from unscathed...

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Fairy Tales and Hokum provides examples of:

• All Germans Are Nazis: Hamilton believes this and has no qualms about unleashing an undead army on the whole country – never mind German Jews and everyone else suffering at the hands of the Nazis at the moment of this story.
• All Myths Are True: Gets a deconstruction, as Big Bad Hamilton invokes the trope but lacks vital information on said myths.
• Ambiguously Bi: Exactly what happened between Jonathan, Tommy, and Elizabeth in Oxford is not made clear, but all three reminisce fondly about those bygone days. Jonathan feels a twinge of regret when Tommy tells him he married Elizabeth; in the narration Elizabeth describes Jonathan and Tom as having "been close, nigh inseparable, and it hadn't taken long for the three of them to grow very close, as well"; and in the epilogue Elizabeth kisses Jonathan on the cheek to say goodbye with Tom standing right there and not jealous in the slightest.
• Arbitrary Skepticism: Rick, upon hearing a disembodied voice: "Walking, talking mummies existed, as did green little murder pygmies, and Jonathan's common sense – though this last one was occasional. Ghosts did not. That he knew of."
• Asshole Victim: Hamilton gets knocked out and never quite recovers, and commits a very suspicious "suicide" before his trial.
• Back from the Dead: Jonathan is killed but is brought back after a couple of chapters.
• Badass Boast: Twice in a row:
  "What makes you think we're gonna let you do that? There are people out there whose only job is to protect the world from creeps like you, and I really don't wanna be in your shoes when my wife gets to you."
  Hamilton let out a low chuckle.
  "And what makes you think I'm going to allow myself to be stopped?"
• Badass in Distress: Rick and Jonathan get kidnapped, and it's up to Evelyn to save them.
• Bad "Bad Acting": Downplayed with Tom. The main reason he's more of a clerk than a field agent is that he tends to go overboard when he has to lie, so instead of admitting he knew the broad strokes of what happened at Hamunaptra - including Jonathan being there - he pretends he didn't know his old friend was part of the survivors at all, which makes Evy suspicious.
• Bad Boss: Zizagged with Hamilton, who treats Tom Ferguson with contempt, but who according to Baine "never gave [him] an order [he] didn't want to follow."
• Bar Brawl: How Jonathan and Tom met, back in the day. Tom got into one of those because he worked at the pub and a snobbish bully made him snap. Jonathan joined the fray partly to get the bully's wallet, and they both got pummelled.
• Because You Were Nice to Me: In chapter 6, a girl's camel knocks down Jonathan and keeps nudging him against the ground; he grumbles but is ultimately decent about it, to the girl's relief. Later, when she sees him and Rick (and Tom) being threatened by guys with guns, she sets her camel on the bad guys as a diversion.
• Beware the Nice Ones: Tom Ferguson is an all-round pleasant chap, even though he's a secret agent and was under orders to use his friendship with Jonathan for his boss to get the Diamond of Ahm Shere. When Baine tells him his wife Elizabeth was to be killed, however, he snaps and gives him a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown.
• Big Damn Reunion: Evy (and Alex) finally reunite with Rick and Jonathan at the end of chapter 19 - at least until Jonathan dies. Tom's and Elizabeth's reunion at the end of chapter 22 also counts.
• Bilingual Dialogue: Alex understands Arabic but doesn't speak it well, and Ardeth's daughter Maira speaks better English but prefers to stick to her own language. Their conversations are usually a mix and match of both languages and hand gestures.
• Blessed with Suck: Hamilton raises the Army of Anubis... but it renders him catatonic.
• Both Sides Have a Point: Rick and Evy fight off-screen in chapter 4 about staying in Egypt or not after the Diamond of Ahm Shere got stolen, and we're privy to the make-up scene. Rick considers their mission failed and wants nothing more than to haul his family back to England and safety; Evy thinks their mission is not over and wants to see the Diamond safe because she's certain it will cause her family pain and trouble otherwise.
• Buffy Speak: Jonathan occasionally dips into this, like when he refers to "being pinned down by a smelly camel's snouty muzzle thing".
• Brick Joke: In chapter 12, Jonathan agrees to buy the rounds if he and Tom make it alive. In the epilogue, he does buy the rounds.
• Call-Back / Continuity Cavalcade: There are many nods to the films, like Rick telling Evy he's worried because "[she was] the one who died last time", Jonathan and Alex remembering the "Ahmenophus" symbol on two different occasions, and various characters reflecting on events from both films and the impact they had.
• The Cavalry: Elizabeth Ferguson escapes and rallies the British Consulate and the army, who show up at the end to take care of things. Played with in that they arrive once everything's over, and while it makes some things simpler it also complicates others.
• Chekhov's Gun: Or Chekhov's paperclip, which Alex pockets at Dr Hakim's and uses later to pick the lock on Izzy's door.
• Chekhov's Gunman: At the start of chapter 6 Jonathan is "attacked" by a playful camel but doesn't hold it against his owner, a young Egyptian girl called Satiah. They have a little conversation before he leaves for his appointment with Tommy's boss. Later, when he, Rick and Tommy are held at gunpoint, Satiah sets her camel on the gunmen. She also pops up at Evy's house later because Jonathan gave her his wallet and asked her to tell his sister what happened.
• Close on Title: The fic kind. There's a couple of Title Drops, but the last line of the story is "After all, he was particularly well placed to know that you can only go so far on fairy tales and hokum alone."
• Collapsing Lair: The Pyramid of Ahm Shere is set to "return to Anubis" on the morning of the Egyptian New Year. By the time the sun is up, it's gone.
• Cool Old Guy: Sheikh Sadek al-Nazar. Emphasis on "old".
• Cowardly Lion: Jonathan, which Rick lampshades:
  "Sure, you tend to freak out, and you yell a lot, and you get startled, and your first instinct is to run away. Big deal. You know what I've noticed since I met you and Evy? Every time she ran into danger, you were never far behind. Same goes for Alex, and even me. So I'm telling you, if for some reason we get separated, don't worry about me and just go."
• Empty Shell: What becomes of Hamilton in the last few chapters.
• Damsel out of Distress: Elizabeth Ferguson was kidnapped and used as leverage against her husband. Eventually she reaches breaking point and goes for an agent's gun to free herself with a Wounded Gazelle Gambit. Not only does it work, but she also brings the British Army with her to Ahm Shere.
• Death Amnesia: Jonathan doesn't remember anything from the moment he died to the one when he woke up. There's a mention in Evy's narration that she doesn't remember anything either when Anck-su-namun killed her in The Mummy Returns.
• Death Glare: The closing lines of Chapter 16: It wasn't the passing glare or occasional sneer Jonathan had got used to in the past few days. It was a straight, direct stare. The kind that made you wish you were being ignored.
• Dies Wide Open: Jonathan does. The last line of chapter 19 is Rick closing his eyes.
• Disney Death: Tommy is attacked by pygmy mummies behind a caved-in ceiling; the sudden silence leads Jonathan to believe he died. He doesn't, and turns up alive a few chapters later.
• Dull Surprise: In-universe, Rick seeing that Tom survived the pyramid only gets a stare and a "...huh". Justified in that he's still processing Jonathan's death.
• Enemy Mine: The agents still in Hamilton's camp are captured by a team of Medjai, but when Anubis' Army closes on them, they volunteer to help the Medjai fight them.
• Everyone Has Standards: The three agents Jonathan and Tom encounter in chapter 17 did some thinking after Baine ordered them to shoot Rick, Jonathan, and Tom himself, and come to the conclusion that "He's a thug. And Hamilton's off his bloody nut."
• Evil Is Not a Toy: Hamilton wants to unleash the Army of Anubis on Nazi Germany. Unfortunately, he either doesn't know or deliberately ignores the fact that this would kill a hell of a lot of people other than the actual Nazis.
• Evil Is Petty: Agent Baine Kicks The Dog a few times, like when he tells Jonathan Tommy had little choice in doing what he did, but then confirms that Tommy did have a choice (betray his friend or lose his wife) without specifying what.
  • Later inverted when Jonathan steals Baine's wallet just for the hell of it, proving Good can be Petty, too.
• Fell Asleep Crying: Alex is shown waking up with a headache and a stuffed nose in chapter 21, having cried himself to sleep after Jonathan's death.
• First-Episode Twist: Tommy is revealed to be working for/with the people who stole the diamond from the Museum in chapter 6, at roughly the one quarter mark of the story.
• Give Me Back My Wallet: Jonathan filches Agent Baine's wallet to troll him.
• Gut Feeling: Despite the grim situation, Rick keeps having a feeling Ardeth is still alive. A look into Ardeth's point of view later shows he does, too. This is because they were twin brothers in another life.
• I Have Your Wife: The reason why Tommy is strong-armed into betraying Jonathan.
• Hero Stole My Bike: Or "hero and his brother-in-law stole my car".
• Heterosexual Life-Partners: Jonathan and Tommy in their Oxford days. For a given value of "heterosexual", anyway. See Ambiguously Bi.
• Hope Spot: In chapter 16, Hamilton steps on the seal supposed to give him control of Anubis's Army… and then nothing happens for a minute. Until light seeps from the seal and into Hamilton and the Army is released on the surface.
  • Evy emerges from the crumbling pyramid to find Alex safe and sound, having piloted then landed Izzy's dirigible, then Rick and Jonathan run out of the pyramid as well - and cue the Big Damn Reunion… except Jonathan got shot shortly before and dies a minute or two later.
• If We Get Through This…: Since he and Tom were going to the Sultan's Casbah before Baine and his goons showed up, Jonathan promises Tom that if they make it alive they will go there and he'll buy the rounds. They meet in a London pub in the epilogue and Jonathan does buy the rounds.
• I'm a Doctor, Not a Placeholder: Izzy thinking "I'm a pilot, for God's sake, not an adventurer" in chapter 18.
• I Need a Freaking Drink: Reflected in Jonathan's narration a couple of times. The trope shows up in chapter 22 when Rick empties his glass of Scotch in one gulp because Jonathan just turned up alive after all; in the same scene, Jonathan drains his own glass when it sinks in that he actually died of a gunshot wound and came back.
• Instant Death Bullet: Averted with Jon, who gets fatally shot at some point fleeing the pyramid but with the adrenalin doesn't notice until things quiet down. Then it's only a matter of a minute or so.
• Jerkass: Gabriel Baine, a field agent who enjoys trolling and violence a little too much.
• Jurisdiction Friction: The actual title of chapter 23, in which officials from the British Consulate and army discuss with the Medjai about what to do with Hamilton, Baine, and the rest.
• Knight Templar: Hamilton wants to eradicate Nazis. Good for him. Unfortunately, he works under the assumption that All Germans Are Nazis and doesn't bat an eye at the thought of annihilating the entire country (and is too self-certain to consider the fact that the Army of Anubis might not stop at man-made borders).
• Last Stand: The Medjai army, as in the second film, but also the smaller team around the pyramid. They're joined by the few of Hamilton's men they took as prisoners, but they're still vastly outnumbered.
• Let's Get Dangerous: As per the movies, Jonathan, but Izzy and Tom Ferguson also prove competent fighters and quick to think on their feet.
• Load-Bearing Boss: Played with, as the pyramid starts to crumble just after Hamilton is knocked out and the Army of Anubis goes back in the box, but it was set to collapse at a fixed time anyway.
• Loud Gulp: Jonathan and Tom do it a few times. Lampshaded by Jonathan in chapter 16 when he finds himself stuck between Baine's and Rick's Death Glares and gulps, "incidentally noticing that he seemed to be doing that a lot these days."
• Manly Tears: Tom goes into full Inelegant Blubbering when his wife Elizabeth turns up safe and alive.
  • Implied earlier with Jonathan in chapter 18 at Tom's Disney Death.
• Meaningful Echo: In chapter 14, this exchange happens:
  RICK: "Y'know, years ago when I first met you, I thought you were a boozy slacker in need of a proper spine."
  JON: "Charming. Meaning you bloody changed your mind since?"
  RICK (smiling): "Yeah, kinda."
  And in chapter 17 Jonathan returns the favour:
  JON: "You know, Rick, years ago when I first met you, I thought you were a stupid cowboy with all the emotional capacity of a brick."
  RICK: "Okay. Figures. So that means you changed your mind since then, huh?"
  JON (grinning): "Oh, rather."
• Mood Whiplash: In chapter 14, Rick, Jonathan, and Tom blow up a truck to delay the agents' caravan to Ahm Shere; Jonathan lights the makeshift fuse, which goes Where's the Kaboom? - he goes back and is seemingly caught in the ensuing explosion. Just when it starts to sink in for Tom and Rick, he totters back from behind the wreck of the truck, shaken but otherwise unarmed except for a full-body case of Ash Face.
  • The triumphant, heartwarming Big Damn Reunion segues directly into a Mortal Wound Reveal.
• Mortal Wound Reveal: After Rick and Jonathan escape the pyramid and the dust settles, Jonathan slides down the wall of the cabin he was leaning on, leaving a trail of blood, having got shot in the back shortly before and not noticed till then. He dies a minute later.
• Mr. Exposition: Ardeth continues to fill that role. Played with in that he clearly knows more than he lets on about what happened to Nefertiri and his and Rick's past selves.
• Mummy: Not in the "ancient corpse wrapped in bandages" sense, unless you count Jonathan getting brought Back from the Dead wrapped head to toe in a shroud.
• Non-Fatal Explosions: Rick, Jonathan, and Tom blow up a truck; Jonathan gets caught in the blast but is fine after a while.
• Noodle Incident: Rick joined the Legion "after that thing with Izzy, the Italian hitman, and the belly-dancer girl because the alternative had been serious jail time". And whatever caused Jonathan and Tom to get locked up in the basement of St Hilda's girls' college and attacked by a ram when they were students.
• Nothing Is Scarier: In the Pyramid of Ahm Shere, Jonathan and Tommy are separated by a cave-in triggered by an explosion, and pygmy mummies attack Tom's section of the room. Jonathan only hears screams and calls for help, then silence.
• Not What I Signed on For: Said almost word-for-word by a couple of agents and Tom. "I don't know what you think me job is, Jon, but I'm not some kind of gunslinger. Don't get me wrong, I can shoot, but that's not what I signed up for." He sighed. "Then again, what I signed up for wasn't really what I signed up for, so…"
• Oh, Crap!: Jonathan has a mild one when the truck fails to blow up. Played for Drama in chapter 19 when Alex notices something's wrong with his uncle and screams for his mum and dad when he sees the blood.
• Ooh, Me Acccent's Slipping: In-universe, Tom tones down his Liverpudlian accent when speaking to authority, but it comes out strongly when he gets emotional.
• Past-Life Memories: Evy remembers Nefertiri's death. By the end, Rick starts remembering his own past life, and Ardeth confirms having one, as well. Averted with Jonathan, who doesn't have one.
• Please, Don't Leave Me: Evy to Jonathan at the end of chapter 19. "No, Jon, no – don't go, don't leave me, please, Jon, don't –"
• Plot-Mandated Friendship Failure: About halfway through the story, Ardeth and the Medjai attack the camp to retrieve the kidnapped Rick and Jonathan and the diamond, but Hamilton makes them back away by threatening to shoot Rick in the neck. Jonathan got himself a gun in the melee, but doesn't take the shot for fear of Hamilton pressing the trigger, which baffles and infuriates Rick. Neither man speaks to the other for about a day (and a chapter) after this before they move on.
• Precision F-Strike: Tom drops two F-bombs, one in dialogue, one in a thought. Jonathan doesn't get much worse than "bloody" or "hell", but one of the first things he says just after getting resurrected is "What the fuck—?"
  • Alex usually doesn't go farther than Gosh Dang It to Heck! (partly because Evy checks his language). When he realises he's holding the Book of the Dead, however, he blurts out "Bloody hell."
• Red Shirt: Hamilton's agents. The Medjai are a Red Shirt Army.
• Retcon: The Pyramid of Ahm Shere was buried under the sand but is still whole, waiting for someone to take up the Scorpion King's mantle.
• Running Gag: Jonathan and his camel do NOT like each other.
• Sadly Mythtaken: Everything about Anubis bestowing an undead army on someone in exchange for their soul and the position of High Priest of Osiris surviving to modern times is, in the author's own words, "complete bollocks".
• Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: Essentially Tom's frame of mind after he's forced to betray Jonathan. His fellow agents, not so much.
• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: After Hamilton raises the Army of Anubis and Baine orders his men to kill Rick, Jonathan, and Tom, some agents take the opportunity to run away instead.
• Sequel Hook: The valuables Jonathan took from the pygmy mummies' stash, especially the little gemstone. By the author's admission it's the McGuffin of the yet-unwritten potential sequel.
• Shell-Shock Silence: After an agent lights a stick of dynamite when the pygmy mummies attack in the Pyramid and half the chamber collapses: "The silence had been replaced with a shrill, high-pitched sound, like some sort of alarm going off much too late."
• Shout-Out: During the car chase in chapter 6, the car Jonathan's hotwired slows down. Jonathan fumbles with the wires and mutters "Our Lady of the Blessed Acceleration, don't fail me now..."
• Sleazy Politician: Samuel Lyall-Hughes verges on Sleazy Diplomat.
• Sorrowful Stutter: After the pygmy mummies seemingly kill Tom, Jonathan does this twice. First he stumbles a bit on the name; then, some time later, he has to pause and start the sentence again.
• Sound-Only Death: Both in- and out-of universe, as Jonathan (the point of view character) and Tom are trapped on either side of a wall as pygmy mummies attack Tom and the two agents he's with. It's subverted in Tom's case, as he manages to get away, but we never hear about the other two.
• Takes Ten to Hold: It takes three agents and a Medjai with a sword to keep Tom from beating Baine to death after the latter casually drops the bomb that Elizabeth most likely has been executed by now.
• Tempting Fate: Jonathan asking to stay in the diamond's room a little longer. "What's the worst that could possibly happen?" Sure enough, a few minutes later, he's knocked on the head and the diamond is stolen.
• Thwarted Escape: In chapter 6, Rick, Jonathan and Tommy escape the bad guys thanks to young Satiah's diversion and Jonathan hotwiring a car... only to be finally captured when Tommy pulls a gun on Jonathan and the bad guys catch up with them.
• Tranquil Fury: Once the shock of Jonathan's death starts to wear off, Rick slides into this and is fully willing to go kill agent Baine on the spot. Atifa barely talks him out of a Roaring Rampage of Revenge.
• Translation Convention: The characters mostly speak English apart from the odd word or expression; when they're shown speaking Arabic the text just states the shift in languages.
• The Unfought: Hamilton, and – to some extent – Baine: the first is reduced to an Empty Shell about two thirds of the story in and the second chases our heroes who at this point have other things to do than to fight him (ie. running out of the collapsing pyramid).
• Thousand-Yard Stare: Jonathan in chapter 18, when it sinks in that Tom has very likely been killed. "Jonathan’s breathing evened out gradually, but there was something hollow and lifeless in his eyes, like an echo of the expression Rick remembered noticing even in the haze of his own grief and rage when Evy had been killed."
• Vitriolic Best Buds: Rick and Jonathan bicker a lot, but consider each other family.
• Well-Intentioned Extremist: Hamilton is fully aware of the dangers Nazi Germany presents to the world; his goal is to unleash Anubis's Army on the Nazis. Unfortunately, to him even the German Jews and opponents to Nazis are just collateral damage and he's (wrongfully) convinced that the army would stop at man-made borders. They wouldn't.
• Wham Line:
  • In chapter 6, "I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Jon."
  • In-universe, Alex deciphering Tom's tablet and reading the inscription on it: "Followers of the Ruler of the West who are stretched out on your side, lying on your biers, may your flesh rise up, may your bones be put together..." because it makes him realise he's actually holding the Book of the Dead.
• Wham Shot: The fic version. "Then his knees buckled and he abruptly slid down the wall, blood smeared where his back had been."
• What Happened to the Mouse?: When the Medjai who captured Hamilton's men around the pyramid realise Anubis's Army is coming for them, agent Mark Owens suggests an Enemy Mine and asks to fight by their side, becoming a spokesman of sorts for the other agents. He's not mentioned after that. (He was supposed to appear in the not quite council scene in chapter 23, but the scene was already crowded enough).
• What You Are in the Dark: In the pyramid, Tom loses Jonathan and Rick and comes across his colleagues trying to drag an unconscious Hamilton away. They run off, leaving Tom alone with Hamilton. He could (and is tempted to) leave him there and run as well, but he chooses to heft him on his back and get him out, because Hamilton has to be held accountable.
• Wounded Gazelle Gambit: Elizabeth tries to pull the "please help me, I'm not feeling well" ploy to get one of her captors to come near her so she can grab his gun. It works, and she manages to free herself on her own.
• You Are in Command Now: Just before Hamilton raises the Army of Anubis he passes the command to Baine. Which spells trouble to Rick and Jonathan.