... I don't want to read this. I rarely say this. I've handled much, much worse. But this is where I might draw the line. I'm serious. I'd rather see another Pooh's Adventures... one of the bad ones, than going through this issue of Sonichu. For one, there's ninety-five of these pages for this issue. Ninety-five pages of pure soapbox drama. I'd rather listen to Davey Kintobor's rants on how he was called gay as a kid and that justifies him to be a homophobe.
I'm sorry if I am sounding like This Is Gonna Suck, but if this is gonna be anything like that bit in Issue 2 of Sonichu, then it is gonna suck. Who knows, maybe I might like it. I don't know. All I know is that it's 95 pages of drama, depression, and revenge fantasies, all rolled into one issue. So without further to do... let's delve into...
Issue Four
... Maybe THIS means death.
So we begin with Chris-Chan angsting on about how he doesn't have a boyfriend-free girl. Then this Jerkop comes and tells Chris-Chan to stop his angsting and arrest him for soliciting. Chris-Chan resists arrest and assaults the cops. Our hero ladies and gentlemen! Chris-Chan and the chief Jerkop (or Jerkhief) fight each other in their transformed states and when Chris-Chan takes the Powered Armor off the Jerkhief, the Jerkhief tries to fire at Chris-Chan, but he used Protect Shade Barrier (Sorry, the Rocket Punch the Jerkhief did reminded me soooo much of the Super Robot genre) and uses a Kamehameha-style attack... that actually has a clever effect. Instead of downright damage, the Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha actually curses the victim with unluckiness. Ranging from slipping and breaking your glasses to getting divorced by your wife.
And Chris-Chan tells him that this wouldn't happen to the Jerkheif if he didn't arrest him for an actual real life incident. So, okay, because a cop arrests him, he decides to curse his life with unbearable luck to the point where his soul begins to hurt? I'm sorry. The Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha was very interesting and I liked it, but then he had to say "oh, it's because you arrested me!" and it destroyed the moment. The Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha reminded me very much of Yami Yugi's Penalty Games, but instead of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh punishing the criminally wrong with fates that fit their crimes, I see a jerkass punishing a man doing his job into having fucking depression. And this is the signature attack of a guy who keeps complaining about how his heart is getting broken! See what I mean when I said I didn't want to read this? There's seven more episodes/chapters with this Designated Hero. SEVEN. MORE. CHAPTERS.
Thankfully, the next episode is more akin to a romance story where it casts Chris-Chan as the dopey male who falls in love with the attractive female... Named Fandanna? Wut? Oh, according to the Wikia, she can also be called Hanna... Hanna Fandanna? {gets beaten up for referencing Hannah Montana} Anyways, Hanna decides to be Chris-Chan's Person Just For Him Boyfriend-free Girl. Chris-Chan celebrates and has Rosechu be the town gossip. So instead of being the female counterpart to Sonichu, Rosechu is instead... your typical average female teenager... Well, I'll give Christian this though, he didn't make her the Butt-Monkey because he didn't know how female teenagers worked like a certain show... The only problem is that in doing so, he went with a generic outlook on how female teenagers work. A very stereotypical “this died in the 1990s” kind of generic.
However, after a date which involves Chuck Palahniuk’s name getting botched up, as well as research around him getting botched up as well, Rosechu then becomes the eavesdropper as she hears Hanna doesn't really love Chris-Chan and was just trolling. Chris-chan meanwhile is practicing pickup lines. Bad ones at that. Guess he hasn’t heard that using the word Angel is geared to fail. Rosechu goes and tells Chris-Chan of Hanna's trollery, and Chris-Chan confronts Hanna on this. Hanna confirms and Chris-Chan responds with...
Chris-Chan: Please pardon me for a moment: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Incidentally, that Big "NO!" was what got Christian banned at that mall. Reality Subtext is funny like that. Later on Chris sends Hanna Fandanna a "Was It All a Lie?" email. I will admit, I liked the second episode a lot better than the first, since it accomplished its goal of me giving some sort of fuck for Chris-Chan. I mean, a lot better than making Chris-Chan out to be this Jerkass Sue. Who wants to bet this gets fucked up in the third chapter?
It begins with Chris-Chan saying that Slaweel the Witch had been destroying his advertisements... Oy vey... I think I need to provide some context. Alright, Slaweel Ryam the Witch is actually a character based off someone in Christian's life, much like nearly all the other human characters that were in Sonichu. In this case, Slaweel Ryam was Mary Lee Walsh, the dean of Christian's college who confiscated his ads which are pretty much him asking for a boyfriend-free girl. More bullshit soapbox drama.
At least Christian made Slaweel into more of a generic Sailor Moon villain rather than a thinly veiled interpretation of someone who, again, was just doing her job. Chrischu enters her lair and fights her after ripping off Sailor Moon's pose. Slaweel is actually Dangerously Genre-Savvy and hits Chrischu in the chest where it would usually cancel his transformation. And now a page that I have to turn on its side to read. Now I know how Linkara feels. Oh, and it took Slaweel this long to figure out who Chris-Chan Sonichu is. NO FREAKING SHIT! At least when I refered to Weslichu and Saramahchu’s human names by their changed names, I was trying to convey some sense of secret identity! Not to mention that I’m trying to split up the real Christian from the character Chris-Chan, but bullshit like this isn’t letting me do that! Then the actual hero, Sonichu, arrives and saves Chris-Chan from being killed (I hope that’s what Slaweel was aiming for) and attacks her with a combined attack that... doesn't really seem to have affected her. Like with the Chaotic Combo issue, this felt a little like it lacked closure.
The fourth episode begins with Chris-Chan's narration of his ongoing "Love Quest" as he searches for a very, very specific girl in his life. Soon, B-Manajerk and his buddy Merried tell Chris-Chan that love is forbidden in the region of Mal-Wart, which makes me think that it's more of a school for young salesmen. Hm... Harry Potter and the Car Dealer's Stone. Anyways, Chris-Chan decides to, you guessed it, fight them off. But then he gets saved by Guts The Hedgehog. I mean Darkwing Sonichu. I mean Linkchu. I mean Darkbind Sonichu! Dear God, he draws from so many characters that he transcends being a rip-off and becomes... so original, we shouldn't steal it? Wait, where did he even come from? Do... do I even care? Anyways, Chris-Chan transforms.
And he gets the Power Gives You Wings perk with those hairclips he got at the start of that episode. We get an awesome fight between Darkbind and Merried... that turns into a ripoff of that Black Knight scene from Monty Python And The Holy Grail. A much more epic fight ensues between Chris-Chan and B-Manajerk. I think one of the reasons why it's more epic is because it's a midair fight, and usually those have much more awesomeness. After Chris-Chan finishes off B-Manajerk, he confronts the W-M-Manajerk.
This leads into the fifth episode for this issue. And to show that our hero isn't a Mary Sue, he gets his ass handed to by the W-M-Manajerk... It just hit me... W-M-Manajerk? Shouldn't it be M-W-Manajerk? Since he's the Manajerk (Manager + Jerk) of Mal-Wart? I know Mal-Wart was a thinly veiled parody of Wal-Mart, but even so, consistency is dropping like a fly. Anyways, The Pharaoh Chris-Chan's ancestor tells Chris-Chan to summon his dream sister... Wut? Then he has to access this heart torch? HUH? And this creates some clone of him that's gender swapped and is his sister? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU KNOW WHAT?! FUCK THIS! BADASS TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE! GO!
So they team up against the Manajerk and finish it off with a Rider Double Kick followed shortly by a Kamehameha/Moon Tiara Magic combination attack. Soon, the Manajerk is reduced to just his head in a jar (Yes, I am aware of the Futurama vibes, complete with the Richard Nixon-style of having said jarhead on a mech) and Crystal (the sister) goes into a rant on how heartless the Manajerk must have been for stopping Chris-Chan from "spelling out his feelings in the mall" or, as real life puts it, "disturbing the peace". So, let me get this straight: Chris-Chan is attacking people... for just doing their job? I know there are several heroes who oppose villains who are just doing their jobs, but here, we're supposed to root for a guy who attacks cops and managers simply because they are trying their best to preserve the peace and he just happens to be disturbing said peace.
It turns out that Slaweel hired the Manajerks and the two parter ends. I actually liked this a bit better, if only because of the action. The fact that this is also based off something in real life and written so that the author is in the right of everything sort of suspends my investment. It's soapbox drama bullshit. Darkbind was a cool character and compared to Crystal, he'd make a better character.
Next up, we have... Okay, this is pretty fun... Chris-Chan does this safari thing on the Jerkops and tells of a time he confronted some Jerkops. Using his Stupid Sexy Sister to distract the Jerkops, he uses the psychic powers of Magi-Chan (don't ask) to take them out like they were bowling pins. Not really much to note here except for...
Pfffffffffft hahahahahahahahaha! Okay, seriously? The dude looks like every generic Anime villain ever. It doesn't help that he is based off one. Namely Lord Il Palazzo from Excel Saga. Anyways, he clumsily exposits his motivation to why he doesn't want Chris-Chan to find love. It's actually rather odd to say at best. His mom killed his father, then herself because she loved him so much. This caused Scotpalazzo (Oh screw it, I'll name him Palazzo) to see love as nothing but pure evil. So... we have an Anti-Villain? Erm... Cool? Are we gonna see him doing something? No? DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!
Alright, seventh episode. Almost done. So we have this battle between Chris-Chan and Slaweel (I'm still gonna call her that because it sounds more mystical), and Nicole manages to save Chris-Chan. Here's a question: How come in all his questing, he hasn't decided "Hey, I'm just gonna settle with Nicole"? I assume it's because of William, or due to something akin to Did Not Get the Girl. Anyways, months later, Slaweel hires what I think is a white Prism Ranger and tells him to go to the... Pfffffffffffffft hahahahahahahaha... You serious? Get-tar? Okay, Mal-Wart I can let past, but Get-tar? We know it's Target. This is another real-life incident that got dramatized into a comic book, isn't it? Oy vey. So after that, we have Chris-Chan not-loitering, and when he's told not to, he Fus-Ro-Dahs them. Then that Prism Ranger shows up and apparently, it was Excel Saga it was referencing. Pity.
Anyways, after a Transformation Sequence followed shortly by a In the Name of the Moon where Chris-Chan tells them that the more they haze him, the more he gets stronger. Screw this, get to the fight! And so a fight ensues. Chris-Chan fights off Dagget the Prism Ranger, but then he brings up a Transformer (yeah, Change-Bot? No. I’m not going to name it like it’s some cheap bootleg knockoff I found at the dollar store) and kicks Chris-Chan's ass. Part 2 commences with the imaginary sister saving Chris-Chan's life with the same asspulled power he used on the Jerkops last episode. Since giving him the drop didn't work, the Jerkops decide to dog pile him and beat him up. Crystal gets mighty pissed and transforms into her Sonichu form to go and try to rescue him.
Chris-Chan goes into this Kangaroo Court (not exactly sure why the witch is acting like some sort of Quintesson-style judge when she could just dump Chris-Chan in the cauldron, but whatever) and is about to be killed had it not been for his sister rescuing him. Chris-Chan, however, feels unable to help his sister. His sister, though, gives him some of her power. What a lovely but absolutely ridiculous sentiment.
Chris-Chan: So this is Pretty Cure...
... I take that back. That was an absolutely ridiculous sentiment.
Chris-Chan: Soldier of Love and Honesty, Chris-Chan!
Crystal: Soldier of Soul and Heart, Crystalina!
Both: We are Chris-Chan Pure!
... I am not believing my eyes... Sailor Moon, I get... But... PRETTY CURE!? HE'S REFERENCING PRETTY CURE!? I... I can't believe my eyes... I... I just can't...
Fuck it. I'm done. They Marble Screw the entire evil lair and turn it back to a normal and peaceful community college where I hope wacky hi-jinx ensues, Slaweel and Gradoun aren't down for the count, that Prism Ranger is gone the way of Metal Sonichu, and everyone lives happily ever after...
AND THERE! DONE THE FOURTH ISSUE! JESUS CHRIST WAS IT ODD! These were just real-life incidents dramatized into comic strips, but with the added bonus of the "victim" getting his revenge by turning into a Mary Sue and kicking all sorts of ass. Needless to say, the ass-kicking was actually good, and Christian does try to make sure that these interpretations of the cops, managers, and dean all had some sort of facelift that made them more like comic book villains than just caricatures of people that he felt "wronged" him. If I had to pick an episode from this, it would be Sub-Episode 4 and 5, since they were probably my favourite ones. You had Darkbind, which I liked, a cool Super Mode that reminds me of Rocket States for some reason and then you have another debut of a character. There is one thing I hate though...
Chris-Chan has this Motive Rant about how he should be left alone on this Love Quest, that he can't get a boyfriend-free girl due to some bullshit statistics and how the women are just shopping instead of paying attention to him, and thus justify his disturbing the peace. I'm sorry, but this makes Davey Kintobor more justified in his murder of Zoisite. At least with Davey, he'd been made fun at as a kid and it was indirectly Zoisite's fault. With Chris-Chan, he feels justified for downright disturbing people in the shopping mall because he isn't getting a girl. I'm sorry. That was one of the stupidest motives I have ever heard.
I am starting to see where Sonichu started to decline now, and from what I gathered on the wikia to get half of the stuff that went on in this issue (I tend to Wiki Walk), it's gonna get worse from here. And... Wait, there was barely any Sonichu in this... I would chalk this up to A Day in the Limelight, but I've seen it done better in this comic series alone. The next time had better be something to make up for that.
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