Film Flash Gordon/HH G2t G/Go T/Quatermass done as YA fiction.
A story that would not have been out of place as a story in Astounding Science Fiction in 1953 or thereabouts, only with the best visual effects the Wachowskis' reputation could buy. Anyone who liked Dune or Flash Gordon in any screen incarnation would be entertained, and anyone looking for a 'Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' done straight might also be entertained, though it would have been funnier if Mila Kunis did get passively dragged round the universe in unsuitable attire. As it happenned, her rescuer was too chivalrous to allow that, before engaging in a vertiginous chase that shoots up most of central Chigago.
Most 80's films would just not even bother to explain that sort of thing away, however this one tries to explain why outer space aliens have been pulling the wool over our eyes; before heading off into space where there is lots of intricate yet massive in scale CGI.
People who hang round this site will have a plummeting whale of a time trying to spot the different films etc. cribbed from. You'll guess the secret ingredient right from the moment it's mentioned if you're paying attention, and when everything was done I had to check it was an original property not an adaptation of a YA book.
It's a mystery why this film didn't make its' money back on DVD or streaming platform or whatever, but it did kind of slip out kind of quietly, and there is better stuff out there, like Guardians of the Galaxy which has the entire Marvel comics 'verse to mine. It's not intolerable to a sci-fi audience who are just looking for spaceships, planets and rayguns, because here they are and they've all had a bucket of money thrown at them; comic book mooks and villains are also in attendance; the plot twists about a fair bit but is not as incomprehensable as people say; and the titular character may well be more passive than some would like, but who the hell would get anywhere normally by kicking everyone they meets square in the jaw the minute they're out of their comfort zone?
Film A Glorious Trainwreck
"Jupiter Ascending" may not bring in the crowds at the moment, but it is destined to be the next "The Fifth Element". Let me quote a Tumblr post
which explains it better than I can;
I am now completely awake and still completely IN LOVE with this movie. Please lemme explain why
Channing Tatum as an albino wolf thing with wings, really just a giant golden retriever puppy that wants cuddles
Mila just wanted a telescope guys why did all this have to happen
LIKE A CAR CHASE BUT INSTEAD OF CARS IT’S GLOWING HOVER HEELIES
"Lucky for you, a woman owned this car."
"What is—is that???"
Male bonding through EXTREME PHYSICAL CONTACT
Magical bee arms is what I’ve always wanted in life
His name is STINGER and he’s part BEE c’mon you guys
BALEM IS A DUMB WHISPERING TRASH BABY
KEEP HAVING TANTRUMS YOU BIG BABY
The fucking music, I was cackling
They couldn’t decide between steampunk or space so they just went with both
LADY PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON WHY YOU GOTTA BATHE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
"Is there any part of you that wants to bite me?"
"YOU DO NOT TREAT YOUR COUSIN LIKE CHICKEN!!!"
JUST LIKE GIVE ME BALEM IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE
BALEM
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DUDE
This movie was a train wreck in the most beautiful way possible and everyone should appreciate this for what it is
Film I'll never say "Channing Tatum was hot" again.
This is a terrible movie! There's far too many explosions and silly falls, the characters are incestuous, the names are painfully obvious, there's a lot of implausible stuff about Space Religion and The Chosen One and the entire thing reads like some teen's fantasy.
Oh, sorry, I was talking about Star Wars.
Jupiter Ascending is a wonderful movie, provided you look at it as a lovable romp and not as a serious scifi film. This is Guardians of the Galaxy, not 2001: A Space Odyssey. It doesn't take itself seriously, and neither should the audience. I enjoyed every minute watching it, and not only because I was surprised at how they'd turned Channing Tatum into someone actually attractive. Because he was. He was very hot. I was a bit disturbed by how much I enjoyed the fifteen-minute Walking Shirtless Scene.
I like watching terrible movies (I count The Room and A Serbian Film among my favorite Bad Movies), and this is not a terrible movie. It is excellent. It is beautiful. It is superb.
Film Cliche storm but still enjoyable
There are a lot of plot elements that simply don't make any sense beyond being Excuse Plot to set the movie in motion.
It starts as the same poorly written romance novels with a nobody girl stuck on a dead end job with zero prospects up until a mysterious stranger enters her life revealing that she is more important than she thinks she is and now the universe revolves around her.
The movie does try to tackle some serious subjects like the consumerism, "animal" rights, exploitative and heartless capitalism but never goes further into them besides being the motivation for the antagonists. The less serious ones are just a mockeries of obstructive bureaucracy and astrology mostly for comedy value.
On the other hand the action scenes are very well made and entertaining, the scenery is a sight to behold with the characters, ships, interiors and other features turning into sceneryporn and into scenerygorn later.
It isn't an awe inspiring movie but if you watch it as a mild space opera sci-fi movie and try to ignore the poorly written romance it is an enjoyable movie.
Film A terrible, but still enjoyable romp
Rumor has it that Jupiter Ascending is like a big-budget movie fanfiction.
They are completely right.
From painfully obvious meaningful names and blatant fanservice to downright ridiculous dialogue and awkward, chemistry-less romance that's neutral one moment and "in love" the next (is just it me or can the Whachowskis not write romance?), Jupiter Ascending wouldn't be too far off from being penned by a young teenager or adult who's never written before in their life.
But that is by no means a bad thing. For some reason Jupiter Ascending struck a chord in me that made me enjoy the film more than I thought I would. Maybe it was the ability to appreciate a World of Ham, maybe it's because I knew what I was getting into and loosened my expectations, maybe it's because I read way too much fanfiction myself.
In my opinion the writing started downgrading about the time Jupiter is kidnapped for grand nefarious schemes by the siblings, but the stunning visuals and great score make up for the lack of quality. If anything you can have a laugh at the terribleness. No matter how bad the writing may be, they definitely at least made some really good eye candy.
It's kinda like Sharknado. It's bad, and not for everyone, but some of the point of watching it is exactly that and having a good time knowing you could probably write something better.
Film The Eight Deadly Words, the Movie
I don't care what happens to these characters. The famed Eight Deadly Words. This movie embodies those words in seemingly every way it can. By the end, I was glad I'd seen it, if only to know just how crippling those eight words can be. Of course, the movie has many other problems. The movie also doesn't seem to understand how genetics work at all, but really, that is among the least of the problems. Characters are boring, the plot is a bog-standard "The fate of the WHOLE WORLD is at stake" thing, and as always, Phlebotinum Killed the Dinosaurs, a trope that has been used ad nauseum already, and at this point only works when played for laughs. It is played dead straight here. There is only one scene in the movie with any inherent joy to be garnered from it, and that is the bureaucracy montage, and that's probably just because I like those in almost everything they appear in.
In conclusion, the only way to get any sort of fun out of watching this beyond that one scene is to watch it with friends and point and laugh at the failings, and there are far better movies for that.