Rome: Total War Liveblog

Ack! Forgot to mention that I moved the fleet down along the coast and saw that Thermon has only a single unit of Militia Hoplites and one named character to guard it. Urge to pillage... rising...

EDIT: <promises update in 10 hours time>

edited 11th Jul '10 11:18:09 PM by IniquitusV2

Into Greece. Always Attack! Attack! Attack!

Yeah, change targets towards Thermon.

Hoplites are a pain, though.

Roman mobility and showers upon showers of javelins will make short work of the rigid hoplites. TO HELL WITH THE HELLAS!

Move to Thermon and take it. After that you may want to deal with the Macedonians and burn your way down to Sparta on foot. The Greeks aren't that great a threat to you unless they land forces, and by the time you've finished massacring the Macedonians you should be in a position to deliver the coup de grace to the Greeks. But if you go charging off to Sparta or even up north to Salona the Macedonians might attack the undefended Appolonia or Thermon.

Oh, and awesome start. This had me in stitches.

Turn Three - Summer 269BC - It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Senate Mission: "Blockade Syracuse!"

Tiberius: "It says here if we do this, they'll pay extra attention to us for the Senatorial positions next time round."

Aide: "And this political advantage is worth abandoning two of your sons in the middle of enemy territory for?"

Tiberius: "Of course it is! Didn't you read Machiavelli in school?"

Aide: "...There are so many things wrong with that statement it's not even funny."

Tiberius: "Oh, and before you go off to your nice, comfy cubicle, be a good chap and swim to the fleet and tell them to go blockade some port that is some distance from our actual potential empire and will never have an effect on our family anyway."

Marriage Celebrations: Vibius Brutus

Tiberius: "Bawk Bok Babawwk! Bawk Bawhk Babawwk!"

Vibius: "Father, would you kindly refrain from this today of all days?"

Tiberius: "But it's fun!"

Recruitment Report:

• Town Watch (Croton)
• Town Watch (Tarentum)

Unit: "We don't know what we bin told! Our big boss is pretty old!"

Wooden Palisade completed in Apollonia.

Aulus: "Awww, no sandcastle?"

Roman Diplomat talks with Macedonian diplomat.

Macedonian: "Hello good sir, what do you have to discuss with the Macedo-"

Roman: "Yousagiveaussatradingarightsaandaexchangeamapsawiddaussaya?"

Macedonian: "I'm sorry, I didn't quite understa-"

Roman: "Wesagiveayousatwoahundredadenariiaifayousaagreea! (gesticulating wildly)"

Macedonian: "...Yes?"

Roman: "Excellento, signor, mucho prego!"

(Runs off to border of Macedonia/Paiona)

Macedonian: "...Right."

Fleet sails off to Croton en route to blockading the Greek town of Syracuse.

-(1 hour prior to the fleet changing directions)-

Sailor: "Admiral, look! We found this man knocking on the hull and shaking this scroll at us."

Admiral: "Who the hell are y- oh hang on, aren't you that aide who hates our patriarch? What the Pluto are you doing all the way out here?"

Aide: "The feeling, as you can see, is mutual."

Admiral: "Ah."

Army moves towards Thermon out of Apollonia.

Thermon invasion force:

• Amulius Brutus: 13 Bodyguards (1 bronze experience) (Army Commander)
• Aulus Brutus: 20 Bodyguards (1 bronze experience)
• 22 Equites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hastati (no experience)
• 40 Velites (no experience)

Amulius: "For The Senate And People Of Rome!"

Army: "Hurrah!"

Aulus: "And greek hookers!"

Army: "HUZZAH!"

Amulius: "Why me?"

The Roman spy moves into Thermon by slipping past the guards who are too busy laughing at him humming the James Bond Theme to stop him.

Not James Bond: "Now to send a message regarding the status of the garrison... <sees reinforced garrison> ...or send my lords a message that is completely and utterly wrong!"

Apollonia:

• Roads ordered
• Tax rate changed to High (814 net income, 100% PO)

Recruitment Orders:

• Town Watch (Croton)
• Equites (Tarentum)

End Turn

Notes: Yeah, the garrison suddenly grew by 3 units out of nowhere (peltasts, light cavalry, archers) but I think I can still beat them. I've already made the decision to take Thermon, but where should I go after that?

edited 1st Aug '10 12:57:21 AM by IniquitusV2

Why are Jerkass characters so damn funny?

I usually ignore the Syracusan blockade mission. Got better things to do than blockade rebels in pirate-infested waters.

Turn Four - Winter 269 BC - We May As Well Make The Best Of What We Have

Construction report:

• Practice Range (Tarentum)

Vibius: "Tell again why you gave executive orders for the practice range to be opened to the townsfolk as a party venue?"

Tiberius: "Look at it this way, son. We simultaneously train the next batch of stickthrowers and get loads of good footage for the 'Rome's Funniest Deadly Weapon Mishaps' competition!"

• Port (Croton)

Tiberius: "Now to get totally wasted... wait, what do you mean, I can't drink the port?"

• Roads (Apollonia)

Aulus: "I'm on the HIIIIIGHWAY TA HELL! AH'M ON THE HIIIIIIGHWAY TA HELL!"

Amulius: "(under his breath) Yes, you are."

Recruitment report:

• Equites (Tarentum)
• Town Watch (Croton)

Fleet one tile away from Syracuse port.

Admiral: "It's so close I can almost taste it!"

Aide: "RELEASE YOUR INHIBITIONS! Feel the rain on your skin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in! No one else, no one else can SPEAK THE WORDS ON YOUR LIPS! Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open! Today is, where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten..."

Admiral: "All right, who let him at the grog again?"

Diplomat moves to northernmost section of the Macedonian lands, on the edge of Dacia.

Spy in Thermon somehow has enough line-of-sight to spot a Greek fleet on it's way to Syracuse, with six units aboard.

Spy: "lol telescope."

Wooden Wall construction begun in Tarentum and Croton.

Shrine to Juno construction begun in Apollonia.

Citizens: "All hail Juno, Goddess of Faithfulness To One Partner!"

Aulus: "Looks like we just made it out of there in time, bro."

Recruitment Orders:

• Velites (Tarentum)
• Bireme (Croton)

Amulius lays siege to Thermon after the spy fails to open the gates.

Spy: "I'll give you cookies!"

Gate Guard: "I hate cookies."

Spy: D:

Army begins constructing ram. Amulius hires Hoplite mercenary band and gets a Mercenary Captain tagalong for his trouble.

End Turn

Notes: Pretty much had to hire them because two from five units are cavalry and I need a 'forlorn hope' troop to hold up the enemy while the Hastati throw their pointy sticks.

edited 14th Jul '10 11:07:38 PM by IniquitusV2

Very amusing, so far.

Glad to hear it. My liveblog has caught up with my game progress right now, so if you have any advice/requests/challenges for me, post away!

You're doing this better than I did... O.O

Keep up the good work man!

Way I see it, after you take Thermon you can either go straight for Sparta or head for Macedonia. However, if you hit the Macedonians you'll have the Thracians on your northern border as you burn your way down Greec. If you go for Sparta first then you'll have to secure Appolonia somehow.

The funny thing about the Greek settlements is that they're scattered around, so you'll inevitably fight both them and Macedon.

Turn Four - Winter 269 BC - Back By Popular Demand!

Enemy turn

The Greek fleet, surprising everyone bar the AI, turns and lands it's cargo of the Greek faction leader and a shedload of hoplites just one step away from Aulus and Amulius!

Aulus: "Ah, it's good to be a Roman and outnumbering all your enemies and HOLY SHIT WHERE THE PLUTO DID THEY COME FROM?"

Amulius: "Offscreen Teleportation?"

The new army wastes no time in attacking the Roman invasion force and drawing upon the garrison as backup!

Notes: I have no idea how they got there. Makes tactical sense, but then again now I'm outnumbered 2:1 and on the back foot... battle up tomorrow! (Evil Grin)

Whoa... they never do that to me. Thats what I call unlucky... good luck man.

The Battle of Thermon

Pre-battle Analysis

Greek Cities v.s. Romans (Brutii family)

Greek Attackers: 225 men

• Kleomenes of Sparta (25 bodyguards) (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hoplites (1 bronze experience)
• 60 Peasants (1 bronze experience)
• 60 Peasants (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Militia Hoplites

Greek Garrision of Thermon: 174 men

• Antigones of Sparta (14 Bodyguards) (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Cretan Archers (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Militia Hoplites
• 40 Militia Hoplites
• 40 Peltasts

Roman Siege Force: 217 men

• Amulius Brutus (14 Bodyguards) (1 bronze experience) (Army Commander)
• Aulus Brutus (21 Bodyguards) (1 bronze experience)
• 22 Equites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Hastati (no experience)
• 40 Velites (no experience)
• 40 Mercenary Hoplites (no experience)

edited 15th Jul '10 4:17:14 AM by IniquitusV2

You should be able to dismember Kleomenes before the garrison can reach you thanks to the AI not taking their hoplites out of formation. Just watch out for the garrison commander rushing you while you struggle with Kleomenes.

Deployment

The Roman section of the battlefield is a fairly flat plain. However, the entire rest of the battlefield is a steep slope, with the last tenth of it levelling out again and a small peak just before that. The entire battlefield slants downwards to the right of my zone.

The Mercenary Hoplites are deployed one-third of the battlefield across, as far forward as I can manage. The Hastati units (left unit is II, right unit is I) are put diagonally behind the two units. The Velites are almost on the same level as the Hoplites, and off to the left. The Equites are virtually on the left-hand border. Amulius is sitting behind the Hoplites. Aulus is squarely behind Hastati II.

Battle Start

Amulius: "Up and at 'em lads!"

The Roman battleline pivots to flank the Greek hoplite line.

<fast-forward 2 minutes>

A Greek Hoplite unit wheels of and moves towards Aulus' unit.

Aulus: "Hey, look guys, we may want to move in a week or so."

The mercenaries move to engage the Militia Hoplites at the centre of the Greek formation. Hastati II run up and flank charge the Hoplite unit targeting Aulus.

Hoplite Commander: "Keep going, lads, we're almost there-"

Hastati Commander: "ATTACK!"

Hoplite Commander: "OH F**K!"

The First Hastati hit the peasant unit.

Hastati Infantryman: "We got these fools!"

Only to get charged by the Greek general unit and lose a quarter of their unit.

Hastati Infantryman: "Wait, what? OOF!"

Amulius countercharges the general.

Amulius: "DEEEAAAAATH!"

Bodyguard: (to another bodyguard) "Told you we shouldn't have let him watch LOTR before the battle."

Equites and Amulius charge the other unit of peasants. They break and Amulius goes to help Aulus, while Equites charge the unit locked with Hastati II.

Amulius: "Time to kill us some- Wait, where'd they go? Ah well, time to go kill some more!"

The enemy general falls back to try for another charge. The two leaders of the Roman army go after him.

Greek King: "Haha! They'll never suspect that I'm going to charge back into combat!"

Roman Bodyguard: <taps on shoulder> "Hi, we're here to kick your ass." <punches Greek King in face>

Both peasant units break in fear upon seeing their king beset by Romans. The Militia hoplites fighting the Mercenaries break and get cut down, with the enemy general following suit soon after.

Greek King: "Urk!"

The Roman force reforms and begins marching up the hill.

Roman Soldier: "Redress the ranks! Form back up! Come on, you lazy sons of goats, we have more Greeks to kill!"

((Rest up soon. For realz this time.))

Nice dispatch of the first half of the enemy army. Also, good to see this up and running again.

edited 29th Jul '10 3:39:45 AM by GameChainsaw

The Battle - cont.

The Roman army quickmarches to the top of the hill so that the Greek garrision is level with them.

Amulius: "Prepare to charge, men!"

Roman Soldier: "Just...give...us...a...moment...to...breathe..."

<five minutes later>

After stopping to rest, the Romans begin advancing on the Greek garrision. The two hastati units each line up to attack a Militia Hoplite unit, while the Equites ride off to take down the Archers and Aulus circles around the Garrision to the right. The Mercenary Hoplites move to block the Greek Garrision commander from hitting my Hastati.

Hoplite Mercenary: "To the last man!"

The Equites get too close to the Greek force and the peltasts charge out at them. Sadly, they seem to have forgotten the fact that being on foot does not in fact make you faster than a cavalryman, and they go off on a wild horse chase.

Peltast: "LOOKIT PONY PONY PONY WANT THE PONY!"

The Velites begin bombarding the Militia Hoplite units. The Equites charge the Greek archers which have hidden themselves away behind their own lines. Unfortunately, said archers have Wolverine-grade damage resistance and take 20+ cavalrymen charging in the face with minimal damage.

Equite (sp?): "How the hell are these guys still standing? UURRRRK!"

Aulus maximises his frontage and simultaneously charges the Peltasts and the right-hand Militia Hoplites. Because he can.

Aulus: "We have them n-"

The Greek General charges the Equites who are promptly butchered to a man.

Amulius: "No...no...nonononoBROTHERnononono....."

The Velites unit runs out of sitcks to throw and throws itself into the melee between the 1st Hastati and the second Militia Hoplite unit.

''Velites Commander; "Ready......Aim.....Charge!"'

The weight of this impact breaks the militiamen, and the resulting morale drop causes all but the Greek general and the archers to run and flee. Aulus' bodyguards, keen to avenge their commander, run down the peltasts and militiamen in short order, then break off to crush the archers. Meanwhile, Amulius, overcome with rage, charges his bodyguards right into the numerically superior Greek general and kills all but the general himself, who wisely decides to GTFO and only just escapes the pursuing Amulius. Finally, Aulus' guard charges home and cuts down the majority of the archers, the remainders of which only just make it back over the battlefield line.

The field belongs again to the Romans, but at what cost?

edited 31st Jul '10 4:27:26 PM by IniquitusV2

What's with Aulus' speech?

Oh goodness, a main character death already? The Plucky Comic Relief too...

edited 30th Jul '10 8:33:33 AM by GameChainsaw

@Chainsaw, yeah, I wasn't expecting something like that to happen already, but what's done is done, and this gives me an opportunity for some Character Development.

Result: Roman Clear Victory!

Roman (Brutii): 149/217 men remain

• Greek Aggressors: 15/225 men remain
• Greek Garrision: 31/174 men remain

Unit Breakdown:

• Aulus (Faction Heir)
• 138 kills, +1 experience
• 17/22 remain
• BODYGUARD UNIT LEADER KIA, UNIT DISBANDED

• Amulius (Army Commander)
• 51 kills, +1 experience
• 8/14 remain

• Hastati I
• 23 kills
• 30/40 remain

• Hastati II
• 30 kills
• 33/40 remain

• Velites
• 20 kills
• 24/40 remain

• Equites
• 67 kills
• 0/22 remain
• UNIT KIA, NO SURVIVORS

• Mercenary Hoplites
• 23 kills
• 37/40 remain

Awards:

• BloodKnights: Aulus Brutus (post-mortem)
• Made of Iron: Hastati II
• True Romans: Equites

...That went well.

Aftermath: Greek aggressors disbanded. Greek Garrision returns to Thermon.

edited 31st Jul '10 4:41:50 PM by IniquitusV2

Thats still one hell of a pasting you gave an army that outnumbered you two to one. Thermon will soon be yours at the least... but I'd focus on the army now on the strategy map. The Macedonians love to spam light cavalry, which aren't very effective, but if they attacked now it wouldn't end well.

Still, if you can manage to get to Sparta without things going horribly wrong, you will probably be able to take the Greek capital with little resistance. Thats the vast majority of the Greek army you just annihilated.

Turn Five - Summer 268 BC - This Is Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Us Into

• New Faction Heir - Amulius Brutus (location: Besieging Thermon (Greek Cities))

Amulius: "Brother...I won't disappoint your memory."

Tiberius: "Ah, cheer up kiddo, you'll do fine."

• Coming Of Age: Cassius Brutus (Father: Aulus Brutus) in Tarentum

Family Member: Cassius Brutus

• Age: 16
• Command: 1
• Management: 1
• Influence: 0 (A stuffed olive has more influence than this man - it could choke someone important and change history.
• Traits:
  • Command Talent (+1 Command)
  • Gate Keeper (+1 Command when defending settlements)
• Retinue:
  • Tutor (+1 Management)

Cassius: "I'm gonna scare/The living sh#t outta you/I could care less/so long as someone'll bleed..."

• Shrine to Juno completed in Apollonia.

Priestess: "I now pronounce you man and property."

Wife: "...wait, what?"

Bireme trained in Croton.

"Row, row, row yer boat..."

Velites trained in Tarentum.

"Throw, throw, throw yer sticks..."

Roman fleet finally reaches Syracuse and blockades the port.

Aide: "Good. Now we can finally get back to Roman lands."

Admiral: "You do know we have to spend six months here to counts as blockading the port, right?"

Aide: <starts crying>

The newly-built fleet promptly floods and is forced to return to port as the following board the ships for the campaign in Greece:

From Tarentum:

• Cassius Brutus
• 40 Hastati
• 40 Velites
• 40 Velites
• 27 Equites
• 27 Equites

And from Croton:

• 40 Hastati (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Velites (1 bronze experience)
• 40 Town Watch

Tax Rate in Tarentum set to High from Very High. (477 Income, 100% Public Order)

Roman Diplomat goes to the pass south of the Dacian capital.

Diplomat: "Hey Balkan/Balkan/Balkan. Ovo je Balkan. <clap> Come ON!"

Roman siege force assaults Thermon!

Note: That song is the epitome of a WTF song. Search for "Ovo je Balkan Eurovision 2010 live" on Youtube.

edited 31st Jul '10 8:38:46 PM by IniquitusV2