William lulzblogs Chick Tracts because he hates himself

Yes. His apparent hatred of moderate Christians in that last strip is quite telling, I think.

Wait, I died? Darn. what did I do to anger Jack Chick?

William, this is very funny, but you are a masochist!

His sacrifice is not in vain.

Wow. I never read that one, but honestly. "Didn't know about Christianity?" This is impossible, and even more so when he suddenly says that people who've read the Bible spot contradictions in it — which means he must have known about Christianity! Oh, wait, those are two different nearly indistinguishable characters. Never mind.

Finding plotholes in Chick Tracts is like shooting fish in a barrel after the water's leaked out, though.

edited 12th Sep '09 4:19:20 PM by GoggleFox

You know what you should do next?

The Islam one.

xD

Honestly, he's ridiculous. I think god loves everyone, so you should at least try to be tolerant. Also that people are more likely to listen to you about god if you don't tell them they are going to hell for being terrible people. I mean, c'mon!

This is quite enjoyable, Willy. Did you notice Mister Facepalm looks kinda like the Fonz?

Also, I second the vote for the Islam one, if only for the hilariously ridiculous premise. Remember kids, never try to say anything in Arabic, because you might be unwillingly converting!

edited 12th Sep '09 4:26:41 PM by DireSloth

...Now I have to read through the comics. Combo of horrified fascination and wanting to find one to reccomend for this thread.

Freddy. Interesting combo of hating on popes and claiming some bibles are controlled by satan. I don't think he means the satanic bible, he means the bible-bible.

edited 12th Sep '09 4:28:19 PM by Katrika

Guys. I haven't even finished this tract yet! I'll finish it in a bit. Right now I'm reading Dracula for English class. A bit long-winded, and one of the characters speaks in a dialect so incomprehensible it has to be translated by the footnotes, but it's an interesting book.

edited 12th Sep '09 4:33:51 PM by WilliamWideWeb

I haven't read Drac in awhile, but I remember it being a surprisingly engaging book. No one will fault you for reading it rather than this mess.

edited 12th Sep '09 4:35:06 PM by DireSloth

It's better than Frankenstein, the first book I read for this class.

I... I live in New Jersey.

I used to.

You have my condolences.

I've never been to New Jersey. It's just easy to make jokes about.

But anyways: previously, on William Wide Web's proof of masochism, Bobby dies of a drug overdose, which leads to obnoxious Jack Chick hero Mr. Combover and obnoxious Jack Chick villain Mr. Facepalm getting into a debate. When we left off, Mr. Combover tried to give our stoned teenager who had never heard of Christianity a Jack Chick tract, but was stopped by Mr. Facepalm.

Mr. Facepalm doesn't want our stoned teenager reading Jack Chick tracts. When he says it'll make you mentally sick, he's right.

And now Mr. Facepalm is talking to our stoned teenager, but it's only showing their backs, because Gainax ran out of money Jack Chick can't draw. Mr. Facepalm talks about how crazy Mr. Combover is.

And in the next panel, our stoned teenager grows several years older and Mr. Facepalm turns into Spock. Spock Facepalm tells our stoned teenager his philosophy, which is basically that you shouldn't focus too much on the literal words of the Bible but should instead focus on the Golden R—OH SHIT, A TRAIN. Also of note is that this panel uses the same techniques Neon Genesis Evangelion did once it started running out of money. We don't see the train until the next panel.

In this panel, we see the train, and Spock Facepalm tells our stoned teenager to go ahead, because he can make it. Of course, he can't, and with a scream of "YAAAAAA!", they get hit by a train and die.

And now Mr. Facepalm turns into Mr. Exposition so that he can talk about how we're not in Purgatory(which is a lie, of course. All JackChick characters are in Purgatory.) but in the place where the lost go temporarily until they're judged by God. Also, does our stoned teenager's face count as Off-Model when it's never on model? I mean, I have no artistic skill whatsoever, but even I can tell that Jack Chick's drawings are shitty.

And now our stoned teenager wants to know if he can make Jesus his savior now. The answer is no. We can see the fire and smoke a bit more clearly, instead of just seeing rock like in the previous panel. Also note that the two characters are silhouettes in order that Jack Chick doesn't have to draw, and that our stoned teenager is grabbing Mr. Facepalm's arm. He isn't in the next panel, though, because he's mad at Mr. Shadow Facepalm because he was wrong—he GOOFED.

...What sort of person would use the word "goofed" here? Most teenagers wouldn't. They'd probably say "fucked up". Also: Title Drops are almost always cheesy. But still, you shouldn't put them in specially-shaded, giant font. It makes it ridiculously cheesy.

And in the last two panels, Mr. Facepalm takes off his Mr. Facepalm mask to reveal that he's THE GREAT MOTHERFUCKING PUMPKIN. I mean, Satan. Whose face looks even more like a rubber mask than the rubber Mr. Facepalm mask he's holding looks like. The moral of this story: Listen to the crazy guy, because the guy who actually makes arguments instead of quoting out-of-context bible passages is actually Satan.

And now we have the little block at the end of all Jack Chick tracts. It gives a checklist for becoming a Christian, a prayer(which, by the way, isn't the Lord's Prayer, the only prayer that the Bible actually tells you to pray) that has the words precious blood in bold for no reason, and a checklist for remaining a Christian. And an advertisement for a book being sold by Jack Chick.

Also, there's a link in the bottom entitled "Why Chick Tracts Get READ!" Unfortunately, there's no mention of snarking or lulzblogging.

I have a theory that Mr. Chick thinks of non-Christians the same way most people think of bogeymen or the monsters under your bed, and only does the tract thing to fulfill the need for proselytism in his weirdo interpretation of The Bible. He doesn't actually care.

Butbutbutbut... wouldn't a benevolent God let you ask for forgiveness from hell?

Of course not! This is Jack Chick. If it's not in the Bible, then logic be damned.

edited 12th Sep '09 6:16:27 PM by Pentadragon

Oh, right. I forgot I was dead. Sorry!

x_x

Meh. He's in Hell now, but it's Chick Tract Hell, so all he has to do is kick the lame demon in the balls and bust his way out of the paper mache walls.

EDIT: Hey, that rhymed!

edited 12th Sep '09 6:18:01 PM by DireSloth

Poet and you didn't know it.

I mean, x_x

Yes, but then he'd have to deal with the Great Pumpkin.

Huh, Bobby is dead, but he's moving around and making noise and stuff.

COULD IT BE THE END OF DAYS?!?!?!?!

Not yet. Wait for the10 headed dragons

edited 12th Sep '09 6:21:37 PM by Pseudonym

-*Begins making paper mache dragons*

You mean literal ones?