Roll To Dodge 5: AKA I Shouldn't Legally Be Allowed To DM Anything

>Munch a small piece of Liquorice root and adjust my cape (again).

> Prepare some sort of bait

>Help AF's character investigate the corpses.

Edited by GoldenCityBird on May 21st 2020 at 9:02:41 AM

>Explore the town

>Try to spark conversation with any of the other party members with “Man, sure is a tragedy huh?”

>Write on my Enchanted Scroll: "Detect Evil" and cast it on the corpses, then brace for combat should any of them rise up to attack us.

>Piss on the corpses

Edited by TabbyGirl4 on May 21st 2020 at 6:38:38 AM

> Look at the corpses and ask "Who are those people"?

"Yeah," I say to Taco's character whose name and class I don't remember. "It's a fucking massacre."

>Try to play a little tune to lift everyone's spirits, hopefully uninterrupted this time.

Edited by Afterwards on May 21st 2020 at 8:44:44 AM

TURN 11

You rolled a: 5

Upon getting closer, you discover that the jumbles of vaguely body-shaped limbs on the ground aren't human corpses, but...wildlife?

None of them have any open wounds, but you recognise the necrotic damage that's eaten away at their carcasses—it looks exactly like the injury the rogue suffered the other day. They appear to have died very late last night or early this morning, before you arrived. (It's around 6 AM.)

Interestingly, they all have strange sigils on their bodies.

More like "who are those animals". Either way, you're not sure where they came from; they don't look native to the area at all.

Grizzly bears, elk, snow hares...none of which you'd ever find in a humid backwoods swamp.

You rolled a: 1

You figure there must be a corpse thief around here somewhere, to explain away all the strange disappearances, so you decide to leave a trap to catch them in the act.

You cast an illusion of a dead body and wait. Unfortunately, this does nothing. And you didn't find the thief, but instead baited the mummy into—(drumroll)—accidentally searching your illusion instead of the real corpses, wasting the action.

Task failed successfully?

You rolled a: 3

Snacking on some provisions from your bag, you wander around the town absentmindedly. If there's anything that needs investigating here, you'll come across it. Somehow. Probably. Eh, it's not like you've got any better ideas.

You've just reached the residential area when your vision suddenly blacks out and you feel a hand clap over your mouth from behind.

The bard, who hasn't been introduced to you and apparently doesn't remember that you're a druid, responds in kind.

Nobody seems to be reacting much to said massacre.

You rolled a: 3 + 1 Skill bonus = 4

Right now the ranger is...busy somewhere else, thankfully. You pick another song and succeed this time.

+1 damage to the party's successful hits for 3 turns.

You rolled a: 3

You...you...(sigh). Fine. You, in all your embodiment of pure chaos and I don't-know-how-many-brain-cells-there-are-up-there-but-they-must-be-lonely have a sudden desire to piss on the evidence, for no reason in particular. So you head over to one of the corpses, a facedown one whose features you can't make out but that looks similar to a dead bear, and prepare to defile this whole mystery.

Unfortunately for you, the DM doesn't like their campaign getting derailed and decides to have it jump up to try to murder you.

Roll for Damage: 5
Roll for Necrotic Damage: 3
Your roll to defend: 2 (FAIL)
Total Damage: 8

You are bitchslapped across the street by an undead bodach. It's an unlikely thing to happen, sure, but hey I never thought I would write out a sentence like that in my life and yet here we are.

1/10 HP remaining.

You rolled a: 4 + 1 Skill bonus = 5

Congratulations, you have big brain. On casting the spell, you can see that there are 5 undead in your radius. One of them just yeeted the ranger to oblivion, as a matter of fact, but the others seem to be staying put and still look like regular corpses.

Well, from here on out, you have a decision to make—maintain the spell on what you detected or focus it on one specific undead to get more details, or drop the spell entirely and use a different action? Your choice.

Enchanted Scroll: Detect Evil added to inventory.

You have prompted an attack of opportunity. You now have 1 free combat action alongside your regular action.

You rolled a: 6

Honestly, with the results of your rolls, at this point you're more fit to be a paladin than an actual one. You kneel next to one of the bodies and say a prayer over its passing, then lay your hands on it as a blessing.

You admit you didn't really expect it to start wailing in agony at that.

Screeching incomprehensibly as it lunges upwards, the corpse seizes you by the wrists—and only howls even louder when it makes contact with you, the divine energy having scorched its flesh. You notice up close that it isn't a piece of roadkill, but some kind of wraith-like creature cloaked in rags.

You are grappled. You can use your action to attempt to break free.

>Summon a strikedown on the corpse which is grappling Abarron

Edited by TacoBadger on May 22nd 2020 at 5:22:08 AM

>Ask to be Healed

>Shoot the Corpses with your longbow

Edited by TabbyGirl4 on May 22nd 2020 at 11:01:24 AM

> Whip out my prayer charms and papercut the shit out that bitch

Edited by Baisteach on May 22nd 2020 at 3:26:11 AM

> Cast Mage Hand on a corpse and slam them into another corpse

Edited by Myskywarm on May 22nd 2020 at 6:26:35 PM

>If I can, try to hit and see what held me.

Tabby, doodo brain, Floor is being held by someone.

Edited by JTTWlover on May 22nd 2020 at 12:27:31 PM

>I erect a Barrier of Flames between Tabitha and the undead before running towards her, intent on smacking her in the face with my freshly-summoned bardiche.

"Stay put, Ranger!"

Edited by ArmoredFury on May 22nd 2020 at 5:37:54 PM

>Fend off the undead animals with my quarterstaff

Edited by GoldenCityBird on May 22nd 2020 at 11:46:50 AM

>Whip out my sword and strike at the undead grappling the rogue.

>Keep the spell focused on the undead who attacked the ranger, and retaliate. The others didn't get up, so fortunately we should only have one, if unnaturally strong, opponent to deal with for now.

Fixed,sorry

> Shield bash the undead that slapped the shit out of the ranger.

TURN 12

You rolled a: 3

You raise your tiny hands in a command to the air. The heavens above part, and just for a moment, the fog fades away. The resulting rays of pale sunshine cause the other undead on the ground begin to writhe and get to their feet.

That wasn't exactly the side effect you wanted, but a searing bolt of lightning comes crashing down anyway—running Abarron's attacker clean through. After a blinding flash, your vision clears and you see that—

...nothing happened?

You rolled a: 5

Quick as lightning, you notch your arrows and let loose a hail on the undead from across the street. A surprising recovery for someone who just got rofltossed like six seconds ago, but thanks to your luck and precision they hit the mark, and boy do they; you deliver two straight headshots.

Roll for Damage: 2 + 1 Critical, 5 + 1 Critical
Bodach's rolls to defend: 1 (FAIL), 2 (FAIL)
Total Damage: 3, 6

Bodach 1 has 2/5 HP remaining.

Bodach 2 has -1/5 HP remaining. Bodach 2 is eliminated.

You rolled a: 1

You try to twist away from your captor and take hold of your charms, but its grip on you is stronger...in fact, you've failed so badly it rips them out of your hands instead and starts flailing at you with them.

Roll for Damage: 6. Yikes.
Your roll to defend: 3

It overpowers you with a shocking amount of strength for a corpse. Slamming the back of your head into the cobblestone, it starts gutting you in a frenzy with your own weapons—you thrash and struggle, but it's no use, and your frantic kicking only ends up meeting damp rotted flesh and crumbling bone.

Then its shrieking maw suddenly freezes and chokes out to a stop.

It's almost comical; as if someone had paused it to save an image file. You watch as a surge of electricity hails down and an arrow from behind impales it square in the skull.

The bodach teeters in midair, just for a moment, and collapses on top of you with a sickening crunch.

Hm. Well, at least you're not dead yet.

4/10 HP remaining.

You are no longer grappled.

You rolled a: 3

The air weaves together with your magic to form a spectral claw, which for lack of better term proceeds to grab an empty bitch (you're not sure whether female wolves are also called bitches like dogs are, but you don't want to let go of that joke) and yeet it. The carcass sails through the air, about as gracefully as a sandbag would, and flies into the remaining bodach's face with a wet smack.

Roll for Damage: 3
Bodach's roll to Defend: 4 (SUCCESS)

While the undead's still standing, it looks like you've taken the wind out of it for now. It staggers erratically sideways, before giving a low groan and clumsily clawing at the arrow lodged between its eye sockets.

Bodach 2 has 1/5 HP remaining.

You wrestle your way through the chaos at the familiar call of "I NEED HEALING" and make a beeline for the ranger; a towering molten forcefield barricading the other undead from her.

Just before you reach her, you heave your bardiche and give it a wide sweep to the right. A hit that would've probably bisected someone if it wasn't for your healing ability, in fact, but it catches Tabitha straight on.

Roll for Healing: 4 (SUCCESS)
HP Restored: 3 DMG + 1 fire DMG = 4 +1 HP restored each turn for 3 turns

+4 HP to Tabitha. 5/10 HP remaining.

You rolled a: 2

While it's distracted by everyone else fighting it, you ready your blows and make for the bodach attacking the ranger.

You didn't realise it would look right at you instead.

Roll for Damage: 2 + 1 necrotic DMG
Your roll to defend: 2 (FAIL)

A burst of agony floods your brain as its horrific gaze—are those eye sockets glowing?—locks onto yours. Or, well, a figurative brain, granted that you're a mummy, but in any case you've found yourself briefly blinded in your pain.

7/10 HP remaining.

You are stunned. -1 to next action.

Seems like that would be overdoing it a little. The rest of the undead are awake now, though, so you might want to target them instead.

You rolled a: 3

You can't exactly keep the spell up at the same time as fighting, but what you do figure out is that the bodach can inflict necrotic damage and is immune to lightning and poison, as was the other.

That, and the bodach you were focused on immediately gets reduced to a fine red mist after you get the information. The other 3 undead seem different than the bodaches, though. Some kind of wraith? Either way, you get the feeling they're not going to go down as easy.

You rolled a: 5

Roll for Damage: 6
Bodach's roll to defend: 5 (FAIL)

You shove your way into battle with a war cry and barrel into the bodach with all your strength. Apparently this is such ridiculous overkill your attack sends it crashing into the walls of a nearby cabin—its body explodes into a million different particles on contact, leaving a smoking crater in the wooden panels.

The other undead shift towards you now. They look powerful enough you start to doubt you could pull that off again.

Bodach 2 has -5/5 HP remaining. Bodach 2 is eliminated.

You rolled a: 3

You panic at the touch and spin around, throwing a punch towards nowhere in particular. It lands, and you hear someone behind you grunt in pain—but you don't get a chance to see what you hit.

Roll for Damage: 6
Opponent's roll to Defend: 1 (FAIL)

Strangely enough, your consciousness begins to swim. As your head seems to get lighter and lighter, as if on the brink of evaporating, you feel yourself stagger underneath your own weight—and black out before you know that you've hit the ground.

The first thing you notice is that you're tied to a chair.

Slowly, you start to regain your senses. You realise you're in some kind of cabin, lit haphazardly by patches of torchlight; at least for a human like you, it's nearly impossible to make out anything else. You don't remember it being this dark outside until you realise the windows are boarded up with wood.

You now also realise there's a crazed-looking woman hovering over you. Looks like she's holding your limp arm in one hand and some kind of oversized syringe in the other.

Might want to do something about that.

>Back away from the bodach.

>I don't know why, but I can't feel my arm. Something tells me she already jabbed me with it and I'm only seconds away from death. Must have happened when I was fighting those zom—bodaches. Might as well just wait and let the poison take its course.

"I swear I'm getting to old for this shit"

> Get up and pray for guidance