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Funny / Gunsmoke

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  • An example of a typical verbal sparing match between 'Doc' Adams and Festus.
    Doc: I'll tell you why the Hagens live so long.
    Festus: Why?
    Doc: 'Cause they're too dumb to know they're dead!
  • When Festus offers to buy Doc a beer with a silver dollar that he earned from shoeing horses in "Whelan's Men".
    Doc: Why don't you take that money and invest it in something? Why don't you do that?
    Festus: Invest it in what?
    Doc: There's wonderful land values outside of Dodge. Now why don't you go out there someplace, look around, and buy yourself a lot?
    Festus: A lot of what?
    Doc: A lot! A lot of land!
    Festus: Well fiddle, I can't afford to buy a lot of land. You probably could the way you've been a bilking and gouging...
    Doc: Oh, hush up! I'm trying to help you, for heaven sakes. It don't cost a whole lot to buy a little lot.
    Festus: What do you mean it don't cost a whole lot to buy a little, or a whole lot to buy a lot, what do you mean?
    Doc: Well, I mean,... a little lot of land!
    Festus: But there ain't no such a thing. A little's a little, and a lot's a lot, there ain't no little lot, or lot of little, don't you see? Now you want that beer or don't you?
    Doc: No I'm... I'm all worn out.
    Festus: (as Doc walks away Festus hollers) If you change your mind me and Newly will be over at the Longbranch having a whole lot of little beers. (Chuckles and flips his silver dollar) Now I'm buying.
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  • In the episode "Old Friend", Doc and Festus are sitting down to dinner and Festus starts complaining that his catfish order doesn't have a head. His reasoning is that the Haggens don't eat any fish without the head present. He has no guarantee it's a catfish because... it might be a mermaid for all he knows. Doc argues with him, Festus tells him to go ahead and eat his order of fish anyway and calls Doc a cannibal because he MIGHT be eating a mermaid. Festus leaves the restaurant, only to peek in the window. Doc has suddenly become hesitant to eat his fish and had the waiter change his order, because despite all logic, he's sudden worried that Festus could actually be right.
  • The entirety of the episode "Comanches is Soft," where Festus destroys the blacksmith forge by accident, and he and Quint must travel to get a replacement. Everything that can go wrong... does.
  • From the Hilarious Outtakes.
    Guest Star: Well, now... this just can't be the only saloon in Dodge City.
    (He storms out. Long pause)
    Chester: You didn't pay for your drink!
    • A chase scene between the actors turns into a Scooby-Dooby Doors scene.
    • A man is killed and the woman goes over to him. However, there's a clattering offscreen.
    Woman: You killed him. He didn't even... draw his... monkey wrench. (bursts out laughing)
    • Chester: "Where's my horse?"

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