Alright. Bring it on.
Kazuma: ... Bring it on? You’re supposed to be begging for mercy!
Well, to tell you the truth, you’re making this way more serious than it sounds. Besides, I wanna see how they can screw up an All Dogs Go To Heaven crossover.
Kazuma: ... You see how they screwed up in the last few fanfics. And you know there’s no breaks.
Pah, I’ll let it bite me in the ass later. Anyways, let me recap for the audience what All Dogs is.
Kazuma: ... Right, I forgot about that.
Anyways, All Dogs Go To Heaven is a film about a dog named Charlie, who dies and goes to heaven, but manages to cheat his way out of it by turning back his clock, and the rest of the movie is about his revenge against the dog who killed him. Well, that and his character development from jerkass to nice guy that is worth checking out. Oh, and a Big Lipped Alligator appears. As you can probably guess, this fanfic is the Rugrats take on it. Will “All Dogs, and Spike, Go To Heaven
” end this liveblog with a bang, or will it just piss me to no end?
Kazuma: Hopefully the latter.
... Right. You’re gonna be hard to get used to, I see. Let’s kick this off.
Yeah. It starts off with Spike. In the streets. Bumping into a wolf. In the streets. Where it might be filled with lots of people. And already my disbelief is out the window. Anyways, after a fight, the wolf and Spike become friends, with the wolf being named Carface. Okay, so we have our Carface expy. Spike soon became a con artist and then realized that he doesn’t like this. So he quits. And this pisses off Carface. Why? I’m pretty sure it’s something among the lines of “You’re my best friend! Why are you leaving me?” But... Bah, anyways, he vows revenge and one day he found his chance... in the forest... with six kids...
Yeah, this is Movie!Wolf. And he’s suffered another name change. Really? Consistency is also out the window now. So it recaps the climax of the movie, which by now is hammered into our skulls. So Spike defeats the wolf, and instead of aliens taking the wolf and repairing him, or even his mate vowing revenge, Carface decides to get back at Spike... again.
Alright, this is the Elephant in the Living Room that I must point out. The author likes to tell that the characters are angry rather than show it. So anyways, Carface decided to give a letter to Didi and Stu. Yes. He wrote a letter to them. I'm not bothering to ask how wolves can write English.
Hi. I'm an old friend of Didi's cousin, Dylan. I'm having a party at the Big Whale Restaurant. Please come. Your friend, Carface.
P.S. Please bring all the kids and Spike with you.
Can anyone smell trap? I think I can smell trap. So instead of calling up Dylan and asking him if he knew any Carfaces, they decide to head for the party. No directions are laid out to this Big Whale Restaurant and this is clearly before the days of the GPS. Whatever, they make it to the place. And yep, it’s a trap.
I see that continuity is out the window too, as they seem to forget that they encountered animals that could talk. Though at this point, it's safe to assume that every fanfic the author wrote took place in their own little universe unless stated otherwise.
Okay, so we’re going for Affably Evil? Hard to come by when you just scared the shit out of the Rugrats, declared their pet as a traitor, and laughed. Seriously, you made yourself so obviously evil that even the narrator is pointing out that you’re still evil.
Okay, I find this very, very funny. This guy sets up this restaurant as a trap, make himself out to look like the villain, then decides to simply allow everyone to enjoy dinner despite what happened a couple of seconds ago, and then laces the food and drink with not a form of drug, but with beer. Lots of beer. He’s not knocking them out. He’s getting them drunk. Everyone. Drunk. Drunken babies, drunken dogs, drunken parents. This Crosses the Line Twice. Well, maybe just Spike getting drunk. So wait... Spike got... spiked? Okay, this might not be a bad story after all!
Kazuma: You keep saying that.
Dude, I’m sure this can’t stack up to “The Great Pokemon Fight”. Especially not after that.
Kazuma: Continue.
Fine, fine. Sheesh.
So in a surprising break from All Dogs Go To Heaven, Spike actually dodges the car that was about to hit him and wrestles Carface on the car. They both fly off a cliff and the car explodes. Damn. This is epic.
So Spike winds up in heaven where he meets Annabelle. No, silly, not the cow, the dog! Annabelle tells him his clock’s run out. In another break from the movie, Annabelle does allow Spike to go back and say goodbye to Tommy. Awww... It’s too bad that this translates to “cut the entire script to All Dogs Go To Heaven until we’re at the scene where Charlie says goodbye to Ann-Marie”. And it ends.
Well, that was a fun fanfic. Not as bad as I thought it would be.
Kazuma: Nice try. There’s still more.
Glad to see you’re still keeping me in check.
Kazuma: Why are you so cheery about this?
Well, even though you’re subjecting me to this and all, I can see some potential in you. You can make a good substitute for Wataru.
Kazuma: I’m supposed to be the one making deals with you, not the other way around.
Oh, right. Forgot I’m supposed to be held against my will.
Kazuma: Continue the fic!
Alright, jeez. So anyways, Spike is bored at the idea of heaven being an utopia.
Uh... What? When was there ever a giant alligator chasing Carface? Remember, the story cut out all the other bits of the movie, so this never happened.
NO! HE MET HIS END BY EXPLODING CAR! THIS IS A SHITTY RETCON!
YOU MADE HIM THE WOLF! THE FUCKING WOLF! NOW HE’S A BULLDOG? WHAT THE FUCK? Consistency not only jumped out the window, it fell off the face of the Earth.
NOW HE’S A WOLF AGAIN? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
Kazuma: This is rich.
What is?
Kazuma: You declare this a good fanfic, and suddenly you find a reason to hate it. Just like all the other times in your liveblogs. It’s a weird twist of fate for you. Does it anger you, knowing that every time you find something good, it becomes horrid the next possible moment?
... Yes. It does. Not enough to make me very upset, but yeah. It pisses me off.
Kazuma: Good.
... Moving on, Carface gets rewarded for being a good sport (spoiler: he’s still an asshole of a villain) and then some new angels arrive. And Itchy comes up as well. And apparently he knows Spike as well. Never explained how he knows Spike, just that he does. And then he discovers that he isn’t itchy anymore.
... What? Okay, so All Dogs Go To Heaven, but All Fleas Burn In Hell? Smooooooooth. And then Spike breaks into song. We’re skipping this because there’s nothing to comment on.
So Carface tries to steal this horn, but it falls into San Francisco. Basic shit you’d see in the second movie. Spike volunteers to retrieve the horn.
The first thing they do when returning to Earth to get it? Go to a bar. Wow. Okay, this is definitely something Charlie would do, but I don't think Spike would. At least Itchy is still Itchy though.
Chuck is short for Charlie. Just pointing that out.
If only it was The MC from 5d’s.
Anyways, Carface appears and shows them that he doesn’t appear as a ghost like they do because he has a collar on. And then we suddenly forget about the horn. And the Rugrats for that matter. You know, this would make for a great novelization of the second movie. It captures the exact movie word for word. What was rule #2 to this site again? No Plagueism, was it? Well, they’re not supporting the idea of the Black Plague, so this fanfic’s a go!
Carface leads them to this old dude named Red who gives them collars. As they leave, Carface belts out the evil plan, much like Greymon, but Red tells him to shut up, since, you know, they can be heard. And then he sings. Skipping again.
Charlie meets up with Sasha-
Kazuma: Wait, you mean Spike, right?
Don’t bullshit yourself, Kazuma. This is so All Dogs Go To Heaven 2, it’s not even funny. I’m reading Spike’s dialogue in Charlie’s voice! There’s no effort to diverge the story to make it Spike Goes To Heaven! At least with Pooh’s Adventures, they attempted to make it interesting by adding characters to the mix, regardless of their use!
Kazuma: ... Sorry, what was that?
... At least with Pooh’s Adventures, they attempted to make it interesting.
Kazuma: {smirks} You just admitted that Pooh’s Adventures is superior.
... Yeah. What? Did you expect me to break down? I already stated that I liked some Pooh’s Adventures despite their flaws, so it’s not at all shocking.
So Spike meets up with Sasha, who takes him to her house to give this kid some food. It’s sad that All Dogs 2 makes a better reaction to talking animals than all these fanfics combined. Anyways, they find the horn at the police station. They go in and ask the cop inside where the storage room is. He’s reading a newspaper so he isn’t aware he’s talking to a dog.
OBJECTION!
10-4 actually means, “Understood” or “message received,” not “That’s all”.
Anyways, after failing to get the horn, Charlie Spike spills the beans on Gabriel’s horn to Sasha. After another plan failing, they get the horn. However, David, the kid, runs off. They chase him. {starts flipping several pages}
Kazuma: Hey, woah, woah, what are you doing?
Skipping a shitload of this bullshit.
Kazuma: You can’t do that!
You want me to be angry, right? Not bored out of my skull?
Kazuma: Yeah...
Good, so I’m skipping to some of the juicy bits. Oh, and there's this person by the name of SM who gives off some stuff like how ratatouille is pronounced. Who is SM? Sailor Moon? Great, she's probably gonna exile me then like she did with the Negamoon guys. Ah! Here we go! So after Spike becomes a ghost (Oh all right) after that collar expires, he goes to Red, who at this point is the devil, and makes a deal with him. If he gives him the horn, he gets the collar. But, he needs the collar in order to get the horn. Hm... Actually, that could be a good way to screw him over. Get the horn and the collar, fix things with David, leave with horn to heaven, stick middle finger at Satan-expy. It’s brilliant!
"Guess the cat's out of the bag!" Red teased. "Now be a good little bow-wow and fetch me my horn!"
... wait... This sounds familiar... Kazuma... be a dear and fetch me “The Animal Spell”.
Kazuma: Uh... okay... {leaves to go get the papers for that fanfic, then goes back to give it to Psyga}
{reads it} ... You have got to be kidding.
"Oh, really?", Luja said eagerly.
She walked up to Tommy, with his friends and little brother behind him. She said that she would give him his 'sponsitility. She held out her paw as to shake. Tommy held out his hand. But as his hand was grabbed by Luja to shake, she started laughing evilly. Tommy's watch appeared, but it looked like a fat string. It violently wrapped itself around Tommy's neck.
"Guess the cat's out of the bag, eh? Ha, ha, ha!!!" , Luja yelled, in her own deep voice and wolf body.
"You tricked me!", Tommy growled.
Tommy lunged at Luja. She swiftly put two of her claws together, forming small, green sparks. Suddenly, Tommy's watch tightened around his neck and choked him. He fell back on the floor.
"Tommy!", the other kids yelled.
Luja said, "Now, you be a good little kiddie and go get Spike!"
... You have got to be FUCKING kidding me. This whole time, that stupid thing about the sponsitility becoming some choker was actually a ripoff of that scene? You’re telling me that scene which made no sense what so ever and was confusing as all hell was just this scene ripped out and put into that fanfic with little to no context? WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?
Kazuma: {smirks}
AND SERIOUSLY, YOU DECIDED TO DO THAT SAME SCENE TWICE, THINKING NO ONE WOULD NOTICE? WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL?!? NO! FUCK THIS FANFIC!
Kazuma: Heh, let it out. Let the rage out.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I FUCKING WILL! I WILL RIP THIS FANFIC INTO TWO! BOTH METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY!
I knew it.
Kazuma: Wait... I thought you’re pissed off?
Yeah... Doesn’t mean I can’t calm down and just say I knew it. However, Carface too gets Genre Savvy.
HE’S A FUCKING BULLDOG AGAIN? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND! Oh, and the collar just happens to choke whenever Charlie!Spike steps out of line.
"Where is he? The hour's up," Red demanded.
So anyways, Red gets his horn and enacts the final stage of his plan. Charlie!Spike decides to take on Red, since after all, he started it to begin with. But having a collar that chokes you when you’re going against the guy you made a deal with is not a good idea.
Actually, here’s something you have to consider, why didn’t Luja just strangle Tommy to death if that collar was the exact same as the collar in here?
Well, Spike manages to win and play the horn so that all dogs go to heaven.
Wait... being sucked into a crevice... Shit. Master Xandred/Doukoku Chimatsuri is Red’s Boss! ... If only.
Oh, and what did Carface trade for the collar? His soul, of course. And he’s too dumb to live, because he thinks Red meant his sole. So after that little Dragged Off to Hell sequence, Annabelle decides to give Spike a second chance at life. He goes back, and guess who he goes back to... Tommy? Oh no, that would mean Spike isn't really a carbon copy of Charlie. No, he goes back to David. You know, the kid he just met for a day. That kid he knew his whole life? Fuck him, he got his closure. And you know what? FUCK THIS FANFIC!
{lays the papers to the ground and proceeds to rip them apart, all while making animal grunts}
Kazuma: {smirks as he sees the shreds of paper flying everywhere} Good. Now then, if you would come with me, we will refine you to be a killing machine who will know only rage and-
No. There’s more to this shitfest! AND I WON’T REST UNTIL THEY’RE ALL TORN TO SHREDS!
Kazuma: Okay, seriously, I’m pulling the plug on this little show. Now come with me so I can turn you into a-
{cuts Kazuma’s cheek with his fingernails} Fetch me. The next. Chapter.
Kazuma: {touches his bleeding wound and sees his blood} Yeah. No. You’re coming with me. {tries to grab Psyga’s arm}
RAAAAH! {cuts Kazuma’s arm with his fingernails}
Kazuma: Gah! {arm starts bleeding. He then looks at Psyga, who is giving him a Slasher Smile. He gets out his Blay Buckle...}
{suddenly, this plays, and Psyga suddenly stops being vicious and instead is docile, almost sleepy. Then Wataru voice comes in via intercom}
Wataru: Kazuma, you wonder why I do these breaks? You wonder why I keep his anger levels down? This is why. Even if we turn him into a rage-filled cyborg, he will be so blind by it that he will even turn against us. I’m trying to make him not kill us the moment he’s converted by letting him be angry for a short while, then making him calm. I’m sorry you had to suffer that, Kazuma.
Kazuma: {holding onto his wounded arm} Wataru... from the very beginning, you had something cooking up... I was wrong about you.
Wataru: The best we can do now is to feed Psyga’s blood thirst. When this song ends, we will give him the next chapter. And I will make sure he doesn’t rage like he did a few minutes ago.
Kazuma: Very well...
TO BE CONTINUED
