Our story today starts with Azaka recalling a dream about her childhood. That she forgot. And never remembered again. Then how, may I ask, are you talking about it?
Oh well. We fast forward to a very Victorian looking establishment. A small, yellow fairy flits about, trailing a young girl. She turns to face it, but finding nothing, Azaka instead just smiles for the camera.
She starts an introductory speech about how she's a mage's apprentice to Touko, a rival to Shiki... okay... and that she loves her brother.
Heh, for a second their I could've sworn she said-
"I love my brother."
I had my suspicions... Anyhoo, moving on... moving on... Uhhh, I don't know where to go from here. Oh wait! Look, it's Fujino! And Azaka's helping her down the stairs! Aww, way to help a blind person!
Ahhh, who am I kidding this is going to stick with me for the rest of the movie.
Driving home the Narm further, she apparently got adopted by her uncle and entered Reien Boarding School so Mikiya would forget about her being his little sister. And after Shiki barged in, did she quit? No, she learned how to throw freaking fire so she could win her brother over.
Ladies and gentlemen, note. This is not how you do The Power of Love. This is how you parody it.
But right now, little Miss Incest is a bit miffed. She talks with Touko over the phone, demanding to know just what this is supposed to be.
"Oh, sounds like the secret weapon has arrived."
That's right, it's Sister Shiki! Briliant Touko. Brilliant.
They go over the details of the assignment. Find the fairies that've been tormenting the students and eliminate them. Shiki ignores this in favor of playing with the fish. They were supposed to talk to a certain Mr. Hayama, who recently went missing. Rumor has it that he got mixed up with the wrong people.
Shiki asks how a man like that got to be a teacher.
"He was the chairman's younger brother."
Now they're stuck with a man by the name of Kurogiri. Speaking of him, they knock on his office while he appears to be writing something. Obviously his Manuscript Of Darkness.
They ask him about the fairies that've been terrorizing the students. He said he told them not to worry bout them, as the fairies are just mischievous. Well, maybe this movie really is Lighter and Softer.
"Have you ever heard of fairies killing people?"
There goes that. He asks if they're referring to Koari Tachibana, a student who killed herself just recently. Supposedly, she raved about fairies right up until her suicide. Just as they get to the juicy bits, Kurogiri is whisked away by the student council president, Ouji.
Their primary lead indisposed, they interview the class, but they adamantly refuse to talk about anything involving Tachibana. Shiki and Azaka sit around the fountain, trying to think of a plan.
Just then, Shiki's Spider Sense's start tingling!A fairy materializes before her, crawling on the fountain. Shiki chases it, leaving Azaka in the dust. But don't worry, we'l leave Ouji with Azaka. Now you two play nice!
And cue Shiki waking up a dozing Azaka. Surprised, she trips over herself and hits her head on the fountain. Shiki asks her what time it is.
I'll tell you what time it is. It's Miller Time.
"It's two in the afternoon."
No, it's late evening. She storms off, pissed that the fairies stole the time away. And you know it was the fairies, how?
And cue Azaka trashing the chairman's office. She scrummages for some evidence in his bookshelves, but finds nothing. The only one they haven't checked is the locked cabinet in the center.
NEVER FEAR! SHIKI'S HERE!
/*slip* *click* Ladies and gentlemen, Shiki has just "killed" a lock. With a ruler.
"Damn girl."
Thanks, Azaka. She finds just what she's looking for. The investigation notes. Going further in depth, suddenly during second quarter, Tachibana grew thin, pale and constantly paranoid. Then, on the day of the incident, she took off screaming about fairies before the school building burned down.
They come to the conclusion that the fairies are stealing the student's memories of the event. Again, pretty big leap. Looking for a suspect, they theorize that maybe Hayama was the magus.
But that's put on the backburner when they find Touko in the register. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL-*smack*
Meanwhile, a fairy watches. Flitting out of the room in a hurry, it flies to the sit rep to its master. Ouji. At the dining hall later that night, Shiki and Azaka sit down to a nice dinner. No, wait, that's Azaka. Shiki just tries to pilfer a butter knife.
Azaka doesn't bring this up until later, for some reason. Shiki refuses to give it up, so Azaka resorts to force. Sexy, sexy force. Wrestling the knife away, Shiki protests that she's too strong.
"Bu that should be enough to push Mikiya down."
Oh shit, the cat's outta the bag now, girl!
Completely ignoring any resolution to that incredibly awkward reveal, let's continue to the next morning. Azaka tries to wake up Shiki. Shiki, being a fellow member of the "I Can Sleep Through Anything" Club, decides that the best thing to do... is to do nothing. YAY *snore*
But sadly, Shiki's morning is ruined just like mine so often are when one of the school counselors stops by to let Azaka know Mikiya called.
NO! YOU FOOL! YOU CAN'T EXPOSE HIM TO THAT KIND OF RISK! HE'LL BE GLOMPED TO DEATH!
Azaka is already out on the town though, investigating the site where the suicidal Tachibana decided to apply copious amounts of Kill It with Fire. Finding nothing, she rocks back and forth in one one of the intact chairs. A fairy buzzes just outside the door. Doesn't really take much experience with these movies to know that this can't be good.
She goes outside and finds Ouji's been waiting for her with Doc Hoff-like patience. She asks Azaka if she wants to pray with her. Suuuure, just let me get out my concealed knife-I mean cross.
After a delicious bout of heart healthy Jesus-Os, Ouji reveals that Koari was like a sister to her. Her death devastated her.
"Which is why I want to erase all traces of her disgrace."
Oh great, another one of you Honor Before Reason assholes. You know who else believes in that? Shonen protagonists. Ever notice how they have an unfortunate habit of harming themselves bodily?
A cloud of adorable little fairies flitter out from the benches, flapping their shiny wings gracefully. Ouji delves into the real reason for Kaori's suicidal insanity. It was DRUGS OMGWTFBBQ! Because no one else helped her, she believes the rest of the class deserves to die.
The fairies continue flying in little circles looping around Ouji, making it very hard to take her seriously. Aw look, they're even play-acting! Look at them tackle each other! Aren't they just the cutest-
"Don't you know Kokutou? You need something to make familiars out of."
Wait, what- OH MY GOD! OH CHRIST! OH SWEET SMOKING JESUS CINNAMON TITTIES! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SCENE SWITCH!
Azaka wakes up to Shiki and Kurogiri, who tell her that the whole class went missing. UWHAAAAAT?! She tells Shiki to go back to the school. She'll go to the forest.
"But there's nothing back there."
Come on guys, get a move on-
"But there's nothing back there."
Come on-
"But there's nothing back there."
SHUT THE HELL UP KUROGIRI! And look, that's just great! Ya brainwashed 'em! PERFECT! Azaka goes instead to the arson site again, but finds that half of the building has mysteriously chunked into particulate matter. Well that's just plain rude.
Azaka slumps into her bed in frustration, trying to think of a solution. Just remember, "What would Batman Jesus Muhammad Buddha Mikiya do?"
Azaka starts to dream, but I refuse to watch unless Leonardo Di Caprio is involved. Shiki wakes her up and tells her about Mikiya's phone call from that morning. A little late for that, Shiki. He's still thankfully on the line, and gives Azaka some more information on Hayama.
Why? Haven't we already established THAT HE IS DEAD?
He hangs up a few minutes later on his end, and sits down to a nice dinner at Denny's with Touko, who refuses to send backup. Even though Aizen's Expy is now on campus. Again, PERFECT.
But she did tell her a countermeasure. And that is-*open your eyes, I see, your eyes are open* Hmmm? *Hold ooooon, to the niiiiiight* NO *There will beeeee nooooo shaaaame~* OH GOD N-
NO! PLEASE! STOP! AAAAAAAALWAAAAAYS, I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, AND MAKE BELIEVE WITH YOU, AND LIVE IN HARMONY HARMONY OOH LOVE!
And Shiki walks in, breaking up the HARMONY HARMONY OOH LOVE. For a second there I thought I was going to have to rely on some other homicidal maniac!
Azaka meanwhile, returns again tot he arson site, only to find the building intact and the whole class in there, absentmindedly fondling lighters. Azaka asks Ouji how this is fair.
Shiki tries to fight Kurogiri and fails utterly. Probably because her KNIFEY KNIFEY STAB STAB cancels out the effects of HARMONY HARMONY OOH LOVE! And then Kurogiri reveals he's here on Araya's order.
Meanwhile, in the church, Ouji and Azaka prepare to face off. But efore they do, Azaka reveals some crucial information. Ouji didn't kill Hayama. Hayama killed himself. Let me guess...
DRUGS!!!!
Yup. Drug induced heart attack. What a winner. Therefore, nobody killed anyone. And Ouji doesn't care. *cough*VillainBall*cough*
The fairies assemble into some attack formation. ROUND ONE, FIGHT! The fairies take flight like adorable little divebombers, forcing Azaka to dodge, albeit clumsily. She puts on some kind of glove AND BEGINS TO PUNCH THE FAIRIES IN THEIR CUTE LITTLE FACES. YESH.
But sadly, the fairies are too much and they dive, creating a massive explosion on impact. Which does nothing, considering Azaka is still not scratched. Meanwhile, Shiki continues to fight a losing battle against Kurogiri. But who cares about that.
Oui tries to attack again, but seems to suffer some severe Superpower Meltdown in the form of a giant flower that wants to eat her. The fairies try to stop Azaka rom freeing her, but she persists, tearing her dress for speed. She rushes up to the flower AND PUNCHES IT IN THE FACE.
BOOM HEADSHOT!
Just then, Shiki returns from a seemingly unwinnable battle with no explanation. But-but-but... Never mind.
Just roll the end montage of Mikiya and Azaka.
"But there's still a flashback left-"
JUST ROLL THE GODDAMN MONTAGE!
And finally, that my friends is Kn K 6. Finally.
Comments
