It's effing Christmas Eve! WOOOOOOOOO! To help build my hopes that an Entrail Animal will be under the tree this year (PLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZPLZ), I present to you episode 4 of Kämpfer!
The episode begins with Male!Natsuru sulking when, all of a sudden, he is nearly given a heart attack by his Brock-like friend. Seems that the school Culture Fest is coming soon, and, during that time each year, the boys and girls can finally mix with each other! I personally hope it involves penguin costumes. As the leader of the "Hottie Research Society", Not-Brock is determined to attend one event especially - the academy's beauty contest, which, of course, Female!Natsuru is going to be attending. The problem is that Male!Natsuru didn't know about it until now. Bummer. Curse you, spontanious class rep-types!
Natsuru switches into his female form and runs off to the girls' side (Wait, wasn't he permenantly moved there? Why the hell was he in class at the boy's side at the beginning of this episode?). She's got a bone to pick with Not-Sakaki, who Natsuru assumes must be behind this beauty-contest tomfoolery. Of course, she's right on the ball: Not-Sakaki wants everyone to enjoy the Culture Fest, and everyone knows you can't have a culture fest without gratuitous amounts of bordering-on-porn Les Yay! Wait, what?? Also, Natsuru says for the millionth time that he/she can't control the gender swapping transformation, which is leading me to believe it must be a metaphor for something. Then I remember I'm watching Kämpfer and hit myself for overanalysing everything. Tv Tropes Will Ruin Your Life.
Not-Sakaki listens to Natsuru's plea to not participate, but, ultimately, she's a manipulative bitch and tells him the only way to get out of it is to "Make [her] feel good". Er...sigh...Gah, I should be used to this by now! It turns out she was talking about giving her a massage, but the way they cut the scene it makes it look like Natsuru's...er...insert whatever perverted thing you can think of here. Then, Not-Sakaki turns around while Natsuru is distracted, which leads to her kneading Not-Sakaki's boobs. You can't make this stuff up, man! More Les Yay that I won't mention here later and Akane runs in to break it up. WITH A GUN (wasn't that a meme at your school, Nyk?).
Not-Sakaki and Akane yell at each other, which leads to Not-Sakaki saying "He touched my breasts!", which is mentionable because I totally imagined it in that girl's voice. Anyway, we cut to Male!Natsuru and Not-Crazy!Akane at Natsuru's house and — OMFG MASCOT SCENE YESSSS — where Hara Kiri Tiger and Seppuku Black Bunny are laughing their heads off at Natsuru's misery. "You're gonna be in a Miss Beauty Contest!" Godommit, Fronk, these guys really are the only sane ones in this show! Unfortunately, these remarks get both their asses tossed into a trashcan. If you or someone you love has witnessed Mascot Abuse, please donate to Pirka's Anti Mascot Abuse Fund (or [1] PAMAF) generously. Thank you for your support.
Anyway, Natsuru and Akane are discussing what Natsuru should do for the competition's "talent" portion (lol...'Talent'). I vote spinning plates! Akane's idea is to have Natsuru sing a song on stage. UHHH-OHH, COULD THIS LEAD TO INDULGING OF THE IDOL FETISH?? CUZ' THAT WOULD BE CAH-RAY-ZEE! Speaking of fetishes, the mascots make a quip about the Moderators (the people who supposedly choose who has to be a Kämpfer) having a school uniform fetish, which made me laugh out loud. Oh, those crazy animaux!
Today's Eyecatch features Kaede Sakura in a position that makes it look like she just comitted suicide. O 3 O Srsly, it looks like a corpse.
Back to the action! Female!Natsuru meets Akane by a fountain, who then remarks "Ah, I see you're in your female form today!". Note to producers of Kämpfer: there is no way in hell you will ever be able to make that sound like casual banter. No. Way. In. Hell. Akane and Natsuru go to shop for a costume for the beauty contest in a store called "Vague Lingerie" (oh, how I love Bland Name Products) where - UHH OHH - they run into none other than Not-Sakaki. This is awkward, to say the least. Lesbian innuendo, etc, and so on. We get more gratuitous 'here-is-the-closest-thing-we-can-do-to-outright-sex-scenes' bit where Akane is putting a bra on Natsuru and it looks like they're humping. Lol? Then they all try to show he(r) how to put on a bra, which leads to three topless girls in a tiny space. I seriously can't believe I'm watching this - I knew this should would have some innuendo, but this...this is ridiculous! ARRRGH
We cut to the gang outside, and then Sakura shows up - because it couldn't be a party without her, amirite? They go to a karaoke place, and, right when I'm starting to think "Here comes more lesbian stuff" — BAM! MASCOTS! EFFING MASCOTS!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! H.K. Tiger and S.B. Bunny are discussing Natsuru's newfound sex appeal. The scene lasts all of two seconds, but it's enough to give me the strength to go on! Cut back to the karaoke bar, where the three girls fight over who gets to sing a duet with Natsuru. They decide to all sing first and make Natsuru choose. I feel pretty bad for Nats in this situation. Why couldn't they just sing a quartet of Kero! To March and be done with it? That would break so, so many less hearts. But I digress.
- It was at this point in the review that Pirka left for her cousins' house for a Christmas Eve gathering. - ...M'back! That was a pretty awesome party. Would have been more awesome if there were Tropers there, but, I digress. Let's continue...
All of the girls sing songs that fit them pretty well. In my opinion, the best singer was Sakura, but that really doesn't matter here. When they ask who did best, Natsuru takes the easy way out and says it was a draw. Wow, that killed the suspense pretty fast. Not-Sakaki and Akane leave the room...which leaves only Natsuru and Kaede Saku — O CRAP. Kaede advances on Female!Natsuru, aking if she accepts the confession that was made to her, but, before she can answer, the bracelet starts glowing. O CRAP X2! Natsuru runs away and holds the door closed so Kaede can't see (s)he is changing genders — but it turns out Not-Sakaki is outside. O CRAP X3?! Natsuru begs Not-Sakaki to transform so that she will stay in her female form; after a bit of banter she does and the crisis is averted.
However, all is not well in Kämpfer-land as Akane calls out Kaede for trying to get an answer out of Natsuru, which eventually leads to Kaede deciding she's gonna confess again — in front of the whole school during the beauty contest. Of course, if this isn't enough for you, the other two girls join in order to "protect" Natsuru.
Natsuru can only be thinking one thing at the moment — O CRAP X4!
I think the near six-hour break beetween starting and completing this episode did me some good - getting a breath of fresh, non-boob-filled air allowed me to focus on things about the show other than the Les Yay. I'm looking forward to episode 5: I heard it features a lot of mascot stuff and a lot of Akane (who is the only one of the girls competing for Natsuru who I think is actually good at heart now), which will be nice.
This is Pirka with a fun Kämpfer fact: Natsuru literally spent the entire second half of this episode with a :O face.
