Stuck, a (partial) book by some weird new guy

So, I guess I talk about the book I'm writing here. It's called Stuck, and it's sort of a work that's a bit, erm, hard to classify. It's basically more or less about a 13-year-old guy, also named Tre (I got lazy, so what?) and his problems with all the normal crap puberty puts us through, as well as "insane night guards, kids that sleep in malls, shopping cart accidents, teachers and bullies that want your head on a silver plate, love, bounty hunters, and dozens of other occurrences".

I also added a page for it at Stuck, which has a link to the first third of the book. Some thoughts on it would be nice, if my writing is endurable (which I hope it is).

Update: Here's the direct link to the first episode. Enjoy it!

Update 2 - Electric Boogaloo: I hope you like sequels.

edited 23rd Dec '10 6:42:18 PM by Tre

It plays out like a movie.

Actually, it would probably make a pretty entertaining movie.

I...haven't actually read/watched Diary of a Wimpy Kid, but it kind of reminded me of a game called Earth Bound in a few ways.

So, yeah. It was entertaining and seems like a lot of work was put into it. You have a very distinctive, casual narrative style that I wasn't sure about at first but that is growing on me.

The biggest technical problem that I saw was that some of the action scenes felt a little rushed and I got a little confused. I won't complain about willing suspension of disbelief issues because of how stylized it is and how obviously it's meant to imitate the style of a certain variety of nineties kid's movies. You seem to think more visually than anything— how would you feel about illustrations or some form of partial adaptation? Not that I'm offering, but somebody might.

That's about it. The writing was okay on a technical level but wins lots of points for style, and it's nice to see something published on the web that isn't yet another angsty vampire romance.

Thanks for the reply! Yeah, I sort of wanted it to be movie-like because, well, I first thought of it as a movie and was going to write it like a script, but then I thought that'd be too weird. (Yes, something was too weird for Stuck.)

Also, I'll probably rewrite the action scenes in the first episode so they'll be more akin to those found in its sequels. (They're a lot less confusing, at least I might say.)

edited 2nd Sep '10 2:28:38 PM by Tre

Also, question: What reminded you of Earth Bound? Just wondering, because that game is wonderful.

Not sure exactly what. I'll have to reread it sometime to be sure, but something about some young teens running around a dark shopping mall, having bizarre adventures. Or being chased by a deranged adult. And the amount of eating involved. The mood was kind of like what I'd expect from an Earth Bound adaptation that didn't suffer from Darker and Edgier. Ever read The Chosen Four (which admittedly I haven't been keeping up with and haven't read in a while)? Something about the tone reminds me of that in its early days.

Yeah, I guess I can see how it fits.

I do have to warn you, though, it does get darker during part 2, though I guess that might've been made painfully obvious by the description on its page, or the whole "Insert Story Here, But EDGIER!" thing a lot of stories (rather unfortunately, at times) go through.

Trust me, I'm not getting rid of all of the humor and making it a sheer drama. It'll be an action-comedy-romance-drama-thingamabob!

Hey, it's your story and your decision about where and how it goes. Some people have a feel for that sort of thing, and some develop it. I'm...not really much of one to talk in that area, actually.

Not a fan of the style. Switches between points of view and tenses in a way that makes it confusing and unpolished. Also there are also some redundant descriptions as well. He went to the electronics department because there were cool gadgets in that department.

Also, not a critique, but I would have found it hilarious if he had glanced down at his shopping cart's speedometer. Having it go 32 mph is impossible, having him know it's 32 mph is impossible, so why not top it off with a speedometer? =P

Genre/ style= not to my liking, but good luck.

Hey there, thanks for reading. I guess that I might have switched it a bit too much during Episode 1, though that was mainly because I was a bit of an attention-deficit 6th grader who repeated stuff a lot when I first wrote it, so maybe that might've been why. (I have rewritten it at least once without the switching, though I thought something was missing afterwards and it felt less of a complete story, when I was writing it as 3 separate books. The redundancy isn't there anymore as of tonight's draft.)

That speedometer part is pretty funny, though, I'll have to add it in.

If it interested anyone, I made an influence map for it. (Some of the stranger additions, like Kill Bill, come in during Eps. 2 and 3.)

I am actually unfamiliar with several of those influences. Mostly the more recent movies. Will have to check them out.

I have to warn you, though: Unaccompanied Minors sucks. I only like it due to my Bile Fascination with movies that have good premises and are partially funny, but mostly idiotic.

Nick And Norah is pretty good though.

edited 6th Sep '10 11:14:30 AM by Tre

Bumpity bump bump bump.

Oh, and I've posted a few snippets of Episode 2 to my blog, so if you wished to read those, you can.

I hope you guys like sequels. Here's Episode 2.

TELL ME WATCHOO THINK GUYS ALRITE?

(Tell me what you think guys, alright?)

edited 18th Sep '10 4:08:08 PM by Tre

I will in the not-terribly-distant future, or as soon as I have the consecutive time and my computer up and running (am on a moody little phone right now, big PC's a crotchety old thing that hobbles).

not to worry tre, I feel sympathy for chu, and so I commit myself to read this shit, or DYE TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Large Ham much?

@Polarity: I guess so.

If you are one, then I have a feeling you will enjoy it.

I was eyeing the first pages, and here is a word of warning, be careful with modern references. They date quickly.

You also pretty much murdered the Show Don't Tell rule and replaced it with an Info Dump. Some things need to be told, but info dumps, especially within the first sentences, are not a very good idea.

Your pacing is also pretty off, it seems.

Also, the character Tre is pretty hollow. He doesn't have much to him. He has quirks, and things happen to him, but he has no real voice.

You clearly did not do the research in terms of picking locks. It does not work that way. At all.

The character's dialogue also seems to be unnaturally limited as well. He keeps reusing the same words over and over again (like crap) and after a while it just seems unnatural.

When you introduce the other characters, you fall into the generic 'skin, hair, eyes' description, which while distinguishing is not very descriptive at all. People are not palette swapped versions of each other, and in general, it's a rather poor technique. Once again, the personalities are very shallow, with them being forced along a linear path, with the occasional random quirk being thrown in.

edited 19th Sep '10 2:22:45 PM by A_H_R

@AHR: Thanks for reading, and being honest, too. If I were able to say things that bluntly I'd most likely not be known as a nerd in real life.

So, I guess that before I finish the book off I'll have to add a bit more depth to everyone within the first episode, and leave some more things to the dialogue instead of infodumping. Question is: How do I go about doing that without losing what's already there?

Find an editor. Editors. I can usually spot what's wrong (or what I perceive to be wrong) but not how it can be fixed. Find people with experience in those sort of places.

Editing is your friend. Lots of good and great authors go through many many many many rewrites.

I just had a pretty good idea for addressing the constant showing of "crap". Oh, how Self-Deprecation can be so much fun.

Here's a short bit I just wrote for Stuck at the Wheel for one of the villains, The Shadow. It's a TheReasonYouSuckSpeech, which sadly applies to me in real life too. Here it is:

"I've never, not once in my life, known a person who repeated the word 'crap' so much. Do you have some kind of affliction rendering you unable to say anything without saying it or 'frak' once in every 5 sentences you speak or something? I bet at home, if you run out of toaster waffles then you'd probably be like, "Oh, FRAK, what the crap am I going to eat for my frakking breakfast?' Really, find a way to make yourself seem like less of an idiot with no other vocabulary. Makes people think more highly of you, you know?"

edited 19th Sep '10 10:27:31 PM by Tre

Frak, a double post. Well. Sorry for that. Lesson learned: You Don't Mess With The Send Button (more than you need to, of course)

(Yeah, my use of 'frak' was intentional that time. I think I might just have to embrace the fact that I say it too much, at least, when I'm not writing for real, I guess.)

I also had a pretty good idea for how to make the lock scene better. The key doesn't work, and as a result of that, Tre decides to use his "fighting skills" (read: I Know Mortal Kombat...or not) to break through the window. The end result: a Chop Sockey fight between him and the door with him proceeding to imitate Mouth Flaps. (What, were you thinking I wasn't going to go all out with it? Pshaa.)

Of the scenes this breaks later on, one results in another broken door, the other broken masking tape. (Don't question it.)

edited 19th Sep '10 11:15:04 PM by Tre

The lamp shading actually seems like a neat way to do it, and the way you phrased the speech is fairly well done.

Also, the lock picking really depends on how you want to take this story. Suspension of Disbelief and all that.

Also keep in mind what I am criticizing is mostly mechanical in nature, because this is outside my genre.

edited 20th Sep '10 3:08:39 AM by A_H_R

I think that axing the lock picking might be a better idea due to my idea of Tre becoming an avid movie buff and thinking that it's a good idea to break through a glass window at high speed, not to mention it also makes it a bit clearer earlier on that he's Afraid of Blood instead of introducing it two episodes later in another info dump.

It also makes that scene and one two after it a heck of a lot funnier.

edited 20th Sep '10 12:58:16 PM by Tre

Weird thing I'm asking here, but is there anything one would want to watch before writing the third episode, which is more of an incredibly fast paced Stern Chase than the others? Spoilered summary of Ep. 3 below.

Cow frames the gang into being the "perpetrators" of a million-dollar bank heist and sends them to the "nonexistent" 13th level of one of Greyson's skyscrapers. Unfortunately for him, an earthquake causes the building to collapse onto itself, and the group escapes by the skin of their teeth. Now as a result of that they've got a huge bounty on their heads that an Italian-Japanese The Mafia (or Yakuza depending on who's talking), a stalker hitman and The Shadow from the end of Ep. 2 are trying to get 'em before they clear their names. Oh, and the comedy's gotten slightly darker to become a good mixed gray. Yeah, I ramped it up a lot for the last episode.

edited 21st Sep '10 7:23:04 PM by Tre