Stupidest Thing You Ever Wrote

Have you ever, upon cleaning some part of your home or some of your storage find something you wrote long ago or not long ago and scratch your head and laugh at it for being completely dumb?

I\'ve been doing a cleaning of my cluttered art desk / art-making area and I came across a mixed-media pad. I rediscovered some gems, but then, I rediscovered some sketches I did for a comic I was going to try to do and never did. It\'s completely stupid, but it\'s making me laugh.

I used to have a job a couple of years ago working at a horse farm. I was a stable-cleaner and my fiancee\' helped me out a bit sometimes and the farm owners allowed it. We came up with all sorts of really bizarre inside-jokes. Some of them can be found in a Legend of Zelda oneshot fan fiction of mine, \"The Road Apple of Time.\" The rest can be found in the brain-challenged comic that never quite became. Anyway, I found these sketches and scripts of about three pages and a character-sheet. I am sharing this on the off-chance that someone might want me to actually draw this out proper - or maybe I just want to watch your souls melt.

What I re-discovered was:

\'\'\'The Adventures of Princess Pu-Pu\'\'\' (or Poo-Poo, if you will).

Page 1: Our protagonist (Shadsie, yes, it was a semi-autobiographical piece) is standing in a stable-stall that has been freshly-cleaned, the wood-shavings banked up in piles against the walls. (If you\'ve done stable-handing, you know what a mucked stall is supposed to look like).

\"Whew! Even clean, the odor is strong....

Urine fumes! Radioactive! Overcome!\"

She is overcome by the powerful miasma of horse-urine, which no amount of expert stall-mucking or odor-neutralizer can ever be rid of!

\"Curse you, Phoenix!\" (The Silver Phoenix, a crippled Percheron-cross with great potency).

\"Am I...transforming?\" - The poor, floored stablehand begins a magical-girl transformation sequence! It has ribbons and nakedness and everything! The spirits of wild horses swirl round-about her and she is transformed into:

ULTRA-STABLEHAND PRINCESS POO-POO!

The stablehand looks down at her clothes and gripes as she holds her muck-rake.

\"Except for the stupid tiara, my clothes are the same.\" -_-

Page 2: Princess Poo-Poo, clad in her smelly stable-clothes and the bejeweled tiara asks her partner, Retail Man, who is holding a dust-brush, if he\'s gotten the spiders.

Retail Man is the superhero identity of Princess Poo-Poo\'s lover, gained for his work in retail and his avenging of misplaced goods whenever they go to stores. He is helping her today by dusting cobwebs around the barn.

Of course the spiders are everywhere. A few of them skitter into an un-mucked poo-pile - AND SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS! The spiders are also transformed by the power of radioactive horse-pee fumes! They merge with the poo and becomes nuggets of horrifying SPIDER-POO!

Princess Poo-Poo panics and starts swatting at them furiously with her muck-rake!

Page 3: Princess Poo-Poo is exhausted.

\"I have defeated the spider-poo. I have avenged you, Retail Man.\"

Retail Man shows up to complain; \"I\'m not dead!\"

Princess Poo-Poo tells him \"Ssh! You\'re ruining the drama!\"

Princess Poo-Poo is profiled in her powers. She carries the Pitchfork of Compassion! The Rake of Justice! And the Aroma of You-Don\'t-Wanna-Know!

She is shown stabbing her Pitchfork of Compassion into the heart of an evildoer. He immediately decides to give the money he just robbed from an old lady back.

She is show stabbing another evildoer with the Pitchfork. Sadly, it only works when she is in Poo-Poo form and she forgot to transform into her tiara. The thief goes \"Urk!\" at the bloody pitchfork in his chest.

\"NOT AGAIN!\"

And the character-sheet profiles various barn-cat characters, the great Big Bad of evil, Lord Smellypile (a giant pile of poo, having come to life from the giant dump area of the arm). There is also The Great Bladder, who is like an evil brain in a jar, except that he\'s a bladder.

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Yeah, it\'s quite possibly the stupidest thing I\'ve ever written.

Share your old shame finds, if you are brave.

In which I attempt to be a writer.

A Harry Potter fanfic written when I was about 13. My mom and I picked up Harry, Hermione, Ron, Hagrid, and maybe a couple other characters at MBS Airport (Michigan) and drove them to a Taco Bell. I remember working in a point where I complained about a local interchange that I've long felt needs improvement. I think I stopped at the Taco Bell part because I had no idea what else to write.

This remains, to date, the only fanfic I've written. I think I gave up Harry Potter a few months later.

Ah yes. The first thing I wrote was a 3 chapter (dead) fanfic of a crossover between Happy Tree Friends and Clock Tower: Ghost Head. It was about as horrible as you think it is. It isn't slash, fortunately, but it's still terrible from the get go considering that it's connecting two franchises that have almost nothing to do with each other in terms of story, tone, setting, or even species of characters. Oh, and it was a Script Fic too.

When re-reading it for the first time in 4-5 years, I couldn't get past the summary without sending myself into a laughing fit. And I took this seriously throughout the writing process as well.

edited 31st Jan '15 12:23:38 PM by PunkyBarista

"I am the table!"

A couple years ago my mom rediscovered the first thing I ever wrote all the way back when I was five. The "plot" was more or less

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five year old me sitting in my room playing with my brothers raptor toy when suddenly it's eyes glowed red and it started to grow till it was Jurassic Park sized. It started to tear the room apart and I hid in a corner till I noticed that the sword from a nearby toy knight had become real as well. Me being the little badass that I was I immediately ran over and grabbed it. Then me and the raptor fought and fought till finally I smacked it so hard that it shrunk back into a toy. With its job finished the sword turned back into a toy as well. I left them both on the ground to go to school. After I left the raptors eyes flashed red again. The end.

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also a month or two ago I found my "art" binder from when I was fourteen that I haven't gotten around to burning yet so unless you count the rp I joined recently I currently have the last thing I ever wrote as well. I might be willing to post that up here later. Maybe. Probably not.

edited 31st Jan '15 9:38:39 PM by Yewleaf

~Hey Yew! Don't tell me there's no hope at aaaaallllllll!~

A bizarre Revenge Fic written just after the Trayvon Martin incident.

It involved Hector Gibbs and Ephas Abjuration going after Zimmerman. I then realized it would effectively create a Debate and Switch - Hector is a villain. Hector objects to the result of the Zimmerman Trial...

I thought it'd make me come off as possibly racist.

Thus, even though I wrote it, I never did anything with it.

I still have a bit of furry art I did when I was 14. The stuff I did at 18 is probably actually worse because at no point in four years did I improve any, and in fact, my coloring skills actually got WORSE.

Fanfiction I wrote when I was like twelve. The very first one I did, I honestly thought that a couple hundred words was a perfectly decent length for a chapter. Yup

Everybody's all "Jerry's old and feeble" till they see him run down a skyscraper and hijack a helicopter mid-flight.

I wrote a story from the pov of the villainess of one of my other stories. Then the heroine (of the previous other story) showed up as a black-cloaked ghost and did a Beat Still, My Heart on her while she was paralyzed. It turned out to be an It's a Wonderful Plot story and the heroine asks the villianess whether she was redempted yet. The villainess said no, so the heroine teleported the villainess back to The Dung Ages. While she was in Medieval times as a knight, the villainess ate a mother dragon's heart and then she slept overnight in the dead dragon's cave to keep a hatched baby dragon warm. Then the villainess got her comeuppance when her own tenant got revenge on her.

Quite literally the dumbest thing I ever wrote.

edited 11th Feb '15 12:15:58 AM by sabrina_diamond

In an anime, I'll be the Tsundere Dark Magical Girl who likes purple MY own profile is actually HERE!

Will it count if I just say "drafts of a love letter from when I was 9 years old"?

Because that's probably the stupidest thing I ever wrote that I still have ... somehow.

I once stumbled upon the first story I ever wrote when I was in my teen years. Horrible trash. Main character was a Marty Stu; perfect in every way and the only one to know what was happening, for no real reason. Poor word structure. Way too much focus on the violence. Afraid to describe secondary sex characteristics. Head hopping. Everything bad you could name was in there.

Also, it was before I typed on the computer, and therefore couldn't edit at all. So I'd have some guy have a dramatic death scene, but then two paragraphs later have him be alive.

And I planned it to be a really epic trilogy. In actuality, I never even finished the first book. Probably for the best.

A Magic School Bus Fix Fic, because I didn't like the ending of the digestion episode, even as a child. My God, What Have I Done?

edited 19th Feb '15 8:36:26 AM by TroperNo9001

"Anemone dear, I know you want to be more independent from me, but... please take care, okay?"

I tried to write a theater play around age ten, that attempted to imitate works by Creator/Moliere. It consisted in characters launching strings of insults at each other before agreeing to rally and hurl insults at other characters, before everybody finally decided to get along. It says something that I threw this away when I found it a few years later, as I normally like to keep anything I write no matter how cringeworthy it is. The shame of having committed it is still lingering a bit decades later.

Whatever your favourite work is, there is a Vocal Minority that considers it the Worst. Whatever. Ever!.

Everything I wrote in high school was ridiculous hypersexual drivel. When half your book is sex and it all occurs in a span of two or three days, you don't have much room for character development or plot twists or thematic motifs. On the plus side, I learned to do all those things, so if I rewrote those stories they'd be WAY better.

edited 20th Feb '15 2:12:22 PM by nekomoon14

Level 3 Social Justice Necromancer. Chaotic Good.

Most of what I write NOW is hyper sexual drivel. However I have been trying to develop a world where hyper sexuality is justified.

...I once made a comic in school by myself. The name says it all, really:

"Retarded Raptor"

basically a velociraptor that ended up a dinosaur popsicle and survived the mass extinction and now ended up in the modern world. He's stupid, hence the name of the comic. There's no dialogue. And the plot is as random as heck.

edited 4th Mar '15 9:40:42 AM by Antimetal

Just helping a friend of mine out.