- Find a copy of The Tough Guide to Fantasyland.
- All Myths Are True, usually.
- If I do not know magic, and magic is proven to exist in my setting, I will learn magic as soon as possible, particularly more utilitarian magic in contrast to my weaponry. I will not, however, rely on magic as my only form of attacks, as a Squishy Wizard is only as protected as their allies keep them.
- When undergoing that magic training, I will prioritize learning to use Anti-Magic wards and Counterspells first. If an Evil Sorceror starts wrecking shit while I'm still a novice, I want to be able to counter his spells, not mismatch his socks.
- Although I will learn one completely mundane spell that has no practical purpose at all. It does have a practical purpose: completely wrecking that sorceror's shit in the climax when I start thinking outside the box with it.
- I will also spend my time studying hard. I will not spend half my time sneaking off to make out with princesses or drink in the local bar. Time for that after I know enough magic to protect myself.
- If I'm a Squishy Wizard, I will learn to use armor and wear it. Metal being inherently Anti-Magic falls flat when there are plenty of materials in the setting that aren't and make armor just as effective. A good smith can make armor out of those materials that doesn't impede my ability to perform Magical Gestures.
- Better yet, I'll take up armor smithing myself and use my magic studies to make armors that don't yet exist, such as Kevlar, ceramics, or carbon fiber.
- Anyone whose magic deals with The Undead or uses Black Magic regularly are very dangerous. You might find a Tragic Hero or Anti-Villain among the ranks, but everyone else is a darker shade of Token Evil Teammate at best.
- I will pay attention to shadows. The people I need to watch out for are people whose shadows move and act on their own accord and/or don't match the person they're connected to.
- If there are dragons in the story, which is almost a guarantee, I will avoid dealing with them as much as possible. And, if I have to interact with them, I will not bring anyone with me in case it has a giant hoard of treasure.
- This rule applies anytime vast amounts of treasure are expected to be where I'm going. If there isn't a dragon involved, I'll take it to mean there's something worse than a dragon guarding that treasure.
- You know what's worse than taking a party of sticky-fingered adventurers into a cave with a dragon's riches in it? Taking a party of sticky-fingered adventurers into a cave with a dragon's eggs in it.
- If I do any dealings with princesses at all, it will not be with the Princess Classic that spends her time gazing wistfully from her balcony. It will be with the Rebellious Princess that sneaks out of the castle and goes on adventures.
- As much as possible, I will try to stick to the Lord Of The Rings party makeup in my adventures. An elf, a dwarf, a wizard, a halfling, and a human. Most riddles and directions we come across will be transcribed in a language one of these people happens to know well, and at least one of us will likely be especially effective against any enemy.
- If I can get a half-orc on the team, all the better. They're really good at Cutting the Knot.
- Just because it has no pulse, skin, and/or organs doesn't mean that it is necessarily dead. If I see a corpse, I'll draw my sword and keep my distance. If I see an intact skeleton, I'm smashing it to dust with a mace.
- Unless the corpse or skeleton in question once belonged to a dragon. Unless it is a fresh kill, I will assume it still does belong to that dragon and that it will reanimate and kill me if I come anywhere near it.
- All deceased members of my family will be cremated, their ashes will be scattered, and the area their ashes we scattered in will be exorcised regularly. They will not be entombed in sarcophagi in a family crypt to be reanimated as some necromancer's undead minions—at the very best, it's gonna be extremely awkward having to explain to someone why rotting gobbets of dear old Aunt Susan are painting the walls of the family estate, and at the worst, cremation fees are cheaper than the shrink's bills in the long run. I will keep my relatives (including the ones already deceased, if I can manage it) apprised of this rule, so their spirits know not to take offense and retaliate.
- If I have a BFS or Laser Blade capable of cutting down buildings, I will not give the Evil Overlord a chance to catch it in the crook of his thumb. Instead, I will cut down his whole Evil Tower of Ominousness before I even enter said tower.
- If I stumble across an area in a cave, abandoned building, or large, dark forest infested with spiders (even if they appear to be normal-sized) or large eggs wrapped in webbing, I will immediately leave the place and stay at least fifty miles from that place in the future.
- Gods of chaos will not be allowed onto my side. They will become a Dumb Muscle hindrance and get my team's powers taken away along with theirs to prevent them from breaking the story.
- If an ancient civilization has created and hidden away a very dangerous artifact to prevent its abuse and I don't need it, I will immediately destroy the artifact before the villain(s) can use it. For some reason, ancient civilizations are so dumb that they both make the artifacts very fragile and neglect to destroy them themselves.
- If goblins have been raping girls and making them wish they were dead and I find a nest of said goblins, I'm burning the nest and sealing the entrance. I will not risk my life, my comrades' lives, time, or resources trying to save people who are either already dead or wish they were.
For Princesses
- First and foremost, I will not be a Princess Classic.
- I will not, however, discourage any of my sisters from being one. A Princess Classic is very often the center of attention, which will take more of that attention away from me so I can sneak out of the castle and go on adventures. Besides, they're guaranteed protection and in-and-out of universe sympathy through this trope, so if push comes to shove I know my sisters will have a better time than I will.
- Pretending to be one is okay when it works to my advantage, though. Bad guys that think the princess they've captured is vapid and helpless often keep their backs to said princess while they focus on the hero coming to rescue her. What I can do with that advantage will depend on how many other rules on the Evil Overlord List the villain breaks.
- I will make sure to check if this is a Parody or Deconstruction of some kind, because the chances of my sisters somehow turning into shallow, useless figurehead bimbos or living trophies for the sake of making me look better for some moral gradually increases with how much focus I get, since I'm simultaneously running into the "Not Like Other Princesses" and the classic fairytale "odd sister out" roles. If I love my sisters, I need to teach them how to keep their ideals without turning the lot of us into mouthpieces.
- Second and just as foremost, I will be as skilled in the art of combat as the kingdom's best knights and wizards, even if the standards of the setting are against it.
- I will ask those knights and wizards to train me. This serves two purposes: the first is that I have some fundamentals to fall back on in case I have The Gift and the villain has my Kryptonite. The second is to name any top knights/wizards who see the value of a princess that can defend herself as my personal retainers/bodyguards, as they are clearly loyalnote and are my best party members outside of the hero themselves.
- If the status quo dictates that none of the kingdom's knights or wizards will train me on the grounds of "no evil can touch you while we're here, stop worrying", that's a loud warning sign that they will inevitably fail (or worse, have their own designs for me). In that case, one of my secret adventures will be to brush off the knights/wizards who refuse to teach me basic self-defense and find someone who will — ideally this will be the hero or someone affiliated with them, as this also gives me a powerful ally or three for when things go to hell.
- When some noble or prince rolls into town to ask for my hand, he will very often reveal his true character to the callow stable boy tasked with tending his horse during the visit, and preferably when nobody he thinks is of particular import is around to witness it. That stable boy will be me in disguise.
- Being conveniently absent whenever one of those would-be suitors is in town will help ensure that my sisters get married off ahead of me. The last princess standing always gets the crown and the hero.
- If the dragon kidnaps a popular prince or noble instead of one of my Princess Classic sisters, I won't be too quick to set about rescuing him. Writers often make dudes in the traditional Damsel in Distress roles insufferable pricks and/or Dirty Cowards to make the female protagonist rescuing him look more heroic. In such a case, the dragon can keep him.
- If my would-be suitor is, in fact, worth marrying, I will keep an eye on the parents and viziers of both sides of our engagement. If our royal parents or anybody affiliated with them seems awfully pushy about getting us hitched, the wedding stays on hold until we find out why.
- If I catch my royal parent's vizier smirking and stroking his facial hair while said parent makes some nonsensical, contradictory proclamation, I will wait until I'm alone with the hero and not inside the palace to point him out. Odds are the bastard will have the guards under his command to attack anybody that calls him out to his face. The hero's inevitable misguided attempt to do so will give me the diversion I need to get behind the vizier and stab him in the back.
For Dragons
- In case it needs to be stated, this list assumes that I have intelligence on par with the pink apes or beyond and am not simply another wild animal in the setting (however imposing said animal may be). Which is to say: I will use that intelligence.
- I will be a good-aligned dragon (or at least feign being good-aligned).
- I will not indulge in stereotypical "evil dragon" behaviors. Most of them only exist to demonstrate how evil I am and give the pink apes a reason to want me dead.
- My acquisition of riches will be to finance improvements to the settlements within my territory and my following of other rules on this list. It is not so I can hoard said riches in my lair. If hoarding turns out to be an impulse I literally cannot resist, I will remind myself that I am a fucking dragon and therefore I have much more time on my...claws than the pink apes, and by that logic I can put aside a little bit every now and then towards hoard-building and invest the rest into the aforementioned settlement improvements and other practical endeavours.
- I will also try to see how much leeway I have on what qualifies as a "hoard" to satisfy my dragon urges. I might be able to get away with collecting bottle caps or Matryoshka dolls or other things that the pink apes would not see as worth fighting a dragon over.
- If I need to eat the farmer's cattle, I'll negotiate with him about purchasing the animals I need to feed on, first.
- I will not kidnap damsels. They're not that tasty, and if I'm that starved for their company, I'll invite them.
- I will especially not kidnap princesses. Their parents are usually the pink apes offering rewards for killing me and rescuing said princess.
- I will leave the option open to befriending the princess, though. If we end up bonding, I get a strong political ally that can intercede for me to the other pink apes, and the kingdom's monarchy gets a powerful ally with a vested interest in protecting them and their kingdom from invaders and hostile dragons. Win-win!
- My only condition for helping the Princess with her worthless suitors, traitorous viziers, and so on will be that we have a backup plan, in case the target or somebody nearby grows a spine and actually threatens my life.
- I will maintain active diplomatic relations with other non-hostile dragons. Socially-active dragons share advice, intelligence, and other resources that can vastly improve their overall life expectancy.
- I will keep a mirror in my lair large enough for me to inspect myself for any obvious weak spots that can be hit by Annoying Arrows and thrown swords.
- I will forge a set of dragon armor for myself. Armored Dragons are badass as all hell and have fewer problems with broken or missing scales leaving obvious weak spots that can be hit by Annoying Arrows and thrown swords.
- I will consider enchanting my armor to blast epic heavy metal music when I engage the enemy. The enchantment will need to be at least loud enough to drown out the stupid bird telling the pink apes my weaknesses before I commit to using it.
- I will forge and enchant the armor such that certain basic properties of the materials used can't be weaponized against me. For example, metal armor will be insulated so the wizard can't conjure a thunderstorm and kill me in one hit with a lightning strike.
- Every possible entrance to my lair will have a big, thick door installed on it that locks. Hiding it behind a waterfall is not security.
- Warning signs are a waste of time, because when the pink apes see something that says "STAY AWAY! DRAGON LAIR!" they seem to take that as an invitation. Instead I will put a sign that says "MUNICIPAL RAW SEWAGE PLANT".
- I will inspect the lair regularly for any cracks or passages too small for me to navigate and fill them in.
- Cracks and passages that lead outside the lair will be filled with molten iron. This will create a magic-resistant barrier that can't be mined out by dwarves with pickaxes without alerting me to where they are and what they're doing. note
- Crevices and passages that stay inside the lair will be filled with concrete. Adventurers usually condition themselves to ignore blocked passages when they're exploring the lair and when they're running like hell away from me. As a bonus, concrete can be broken up and removed if I ever feel like renovating.
- If I find a lair prospect I like that has stalactites and stalagmites in it, I'll make sure that it does not have them before I set up housekeeping in it. I'll also add preventing more from forming to the regular maintenance list.
- Combat with The Dragonslayer assumes that I'll be stupid enough to stay within range of his weapons, let alone land and try to fight him on the ground. It does not assume that I'll use my superior intellect and vast fortunes to develop and use long-ranged mortar weapons his armor can't possibly protect against.
- I will keep an eye on The Dragonslayer if he's a noble-paladin type. I might be able to manipulate or reason with the guy. If not, I'll just let him go about his business. Unless it happens to be killing me. Then I'll have him assassinated, reforge his armor into a nice plant pot and use his ashes to fertilize the shrubbery I plant in it. note
- The barbarian Blood Knight Dragonslayer who wantonly slaughters any dragon they happen across for glory and profit, and then dresses himself and his gear with their body parts as trophies will NOT be welcome in my territory. He will be shelled to death with mortars when he's a safe distance from any farms and settlements I happen to like.
- The biggest part of my anti-Dragonslayer defense is not being where the Dragonslayer can reach me. Being able to fly opens a whole world of options for safe places to retreat to if my preparation efforts don't stop the Dragonslayer from making progress toward me.
- My following these rules may inspire lesser creatures to become disciples or followers of mine. I will establish clear rules of conduct for these followers and observe them carefully.
- The most useful thing I can do with followers is commission them as points of contact for adventurers and heroes in the pink-ape settlements. This will make it easier to manage threats and stay apprised of events in my territory without needing to be directly involved.
- I will offer bounties to heroes and adventurers for identifying and disposing of hostile dragons and Dragonslayers for me.
- Some of my followers might try to form an evil cult to do the aforementioned "evil dragon" things on my behalf. This will not be allowed. Any adventurers I hire to oppose this cult will be offered generous bounties for every cultist slain.
- As a fallback in the event those adventurers fail, I will have my followers trained into a Badass Army trained and equipped with anti-dragon weapons and countermeasures.
- I will, of course, put safety measures in place to prevent those anti-dragon weapons from being used against me.
- I will arrange for any dragons I'm allied with to visit my territory regularly to meet with the top leaders of my follower army. These meetings will be to impress upon my followers that these dragons are friendly and not to be fired upon unless I order otherwise.
- I will never do the Dragonheart thing and transplant some part of myself into a human follower to give him the strength, power, and/or long life of a dragon. It's never worth it, even if they're a saint.
- I will not hide this ability from my followers, though. Instead, I'll keep them well informed about this ability, as well as the above rule. Anyone that refuses to take "no" for an answer after being so educated will be blasted into embers.
- Assuming that we're (somehow) biologically compatible, I will approach the topic of mating with a pink ape with utmost care. Half-Human Hybrids with Dragon Ancestry make for some of the most badass warriors in existence, but the process of acquiring those warriors is messy and fraught with complications.
- Whether I actually bother with it will depend on the other dragons. If they're siring half-dragons for their armies, it may be worth my while to do the same.
- If I go through with it, I will make sure the pink ape I'm mating with understands what they'll be getting into and gives their consent before we do the dance.
- Once we learn we're soon to be parents, it's almost certain that there will be at least one individual that tries to have the mother persecuted for being pregnant with a dragon's "demon" offspring. If I'm not said mother, I will have her moved into my lair at the earliest convenience and kept under guard at all times.
- I will not abandon my half-dragon progeny to a life of abuse and Fantastic Racism over their Dragon Ancestry. It's easier to recruit them if they don't hate me and want me dead.
- If I see a crazy, mutated old guy walking around claiming to be a Magister (or similarly high-ranking wizard) that tried to besiege the local Creator Deity's city and got slapped with The Corruption for his efforts, I will immediately gather what allies/followers I can and leave the continent. The land and all the kingdoms in it are clearly about to suffer some Divine Punishment-class remodeling, and nothing good will come of trying to weather it; better to set up shop elsewhere and return after the storm has passed, if at all.
Urban Fantasy
- I will keep my friend group as diverse as possible. Even if I am not the lead, It will decrease my chances of being killed off, in order to keep a diverse cast.
- If other, non - human species exist, I will have at least one nonhuman friend. You never know when they may be useful.
- Also, I will note if my friends behave oddly at certain times or have strange behaviors. These may tip me off they might not be fully human.
- If I run into a near - identical copy of myself, ESPECIALLY if it is near my 18th birthday, I will keep in mind that this double may be a Changeling.
- If it turns out I'm the changeling, I will use this to my advantage.
- If I am a changeling, and I am attacked, I will notice the materials of my assailant's weaponry. A silver sword will do me no harm, and neither will lead bullets.
- If I frequent nightclubs, I will make a note of the owner's appearance, keeping a lookout for things such as pale skin or reddish eyes.
- If I live in a sleepy college town in the American southeast, I will keep an eye out for anything strange. This sort of place could be a magical hotspot.
- If I am out late at night, and I feel that I am being followed, I will check behind me, walk around the entire block, and check behind me. If the any of the same people are there, I will walk briskly to a heavily populated area with lots of foot traffic. (I WILL NOT run. That will only alert them that I know they are there, and chances are they could likely outrun me.)
- I will keep an eye out for anyone with the following
- Wings (Especially Bat Wings)
- Eyes lacking Irises and Pupils
- A Long, Flowing white dress (but not a wedding gown)
- Long, black hair
- Glowing eyes
- Is following me
- If I see someone with ALL of the above, I will accept that this person likely has magical powers and likely wants me dead. I will either: A. Stay in heavily populated areas to avoid being murdered, or B: Man/Woman up and go talk to them. Just because they are likely a sorceress doesn't mean they're merciless, and I may be able to talk them out of killing me, or if I can't, at least kill me less painfully.
- If I'm told a Ghost Story early on in the adventure, I will take it as granted that we'll meet the ghost from that story and prepare accordingly.
- I will take note of people wearing anachronistic clothing, or otherwise not dressed appropriately for the present occasion. Many ghosts manifest wearing the clothes they wore in life, or the clothes they died in.
- I will be wary of a woman wearing a wedding gown outside of a wedding in progress. A women dying in her wedding dress is a common fixture in ghost stories, and her ghost is typically less than pleased that her special day was ruined by her untimely demise.
- Some would-have-been brides go insane and do horrific things like murder their families before taking their own lives, and will still be unhinged and violent as ghosts. It is for this reason that I will immediately check and reinforce any wards I have prepared upon seeing the aforementioned ghost woman.
- If she's already giving me a Death Glare when I do see her, I'll have a prayer practiced and ready to send up. She's seconds away from making me her next victim, and the writer's contrived it so that nothing I do to save myself will work. I'm already dead.
- If she isn't wantonly hostile to anything living, I will take note of any living individual the late bride happens to show particular animosity toward. This person will be the one she blames for her wedding being ruined, and there's always more to what that person did than what they told the victim or her family.
- If I come across a community of Friendly Ghosts, I will be gracious and appreciate whatever hospitality I'm shown, but also cautious. Somebody in that community is the Big Bad behind whatever curious phenomenon brought me into their domain. If I'm asked to retrieve an item or keepsake, it's a sure bet that it's the MacGuffin the Big Bad needs to complete their plans.
- If I come across of what appears to be a young, rather attractive teenage girl, but has features that humans don't normally possess (wings, claws, scales, etc.) I will note that this person is likely a Cute Monster Girl.
- If they seem interested in me (in a romantic sense), I will NOT rush into this relationship, as they may be just using their charms to lure prey - and that prey might be me.
- I will not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, attempt to have sex with them. It will likely end up with me being either eaten or mind - controlled.
- If necessary, I will kill her. Just because she looks like an attractive human girl doesn't make her one.
- I will keep tabs on how the magical creatures around me react to certain types of music. If I notice that hostile creatures shy away from and avoid a certain song, artist, or genre, I will research why that is, and whether it's safe to add that music to my own music library.
- I will carry a music player loaded with the music from the aforementioned library. I will also make multiple copies of said library and have it loaded onto as many devices as possible.
- I will exercise caution around portraits hanging on walls, especially those of people who once lived in the mansion I'm investigating. Writers love hiding nasties and creepies inside these. Same goes for mirrors.
- I will not act arrogant or condescending towards Muggles and their technology. There's no wizard/demigod/vampire/whatever powers that can protect me from the nigh-universal natural law of "pride goeth before a fall". It's always better to assume they have some trick they can use that can stump me, no matter how unlikely.
- Speaking of which, I will keep in mind that having any sort of antipathy towards firearms will inevitably result in a confrontation with someone who uses them. With that in mind, I should make sure that, regardless of my opinion of them, I can maintain my composure in their presence, especially if they happen to be brandished at me, since breaking down into an anti-gun tirade or becoming paralyzed in fear would not be a particularly useful thing to do in any life-or-death situation. In addition, and, assuming I am not opposed to using them, it wouldn't be a bad idea to be well-versed in the operation and usage of firearms, even if the enemies I typically encounter are not the type to be harmed by guns, since, given the setting, there may be a situation where a gun, or knowledge on how to use one, may come in handy.
- That being said, I would also keep in mind the "Urban" part of "Urban Fantasy", and thus, using a firearm in a highly-populated area is very likely to attract attention from curious onlookers who are at risk of becoming collateral damage, or even the police, especially if the setting in question has no-discharge and open carry laws (or bans against firearms outright) which could land someone in trouble were they to be caught.
