Killing Top Man
was the key to getting Mega Man's most useless Power-Up. The Top Spin took away all the barriers we'd put up between video games and figure skating
You have to give the creators of the newspaper Spider-Man
credit for always exploring new frontiers of total lameness on the part of their characters. In one corner, we have Big Time, a criminal mastermind so committed to his laughable clock theme
that he has some sort of clock-shaped pop-gun that spits out its minute hand as ammunition and is thus presumably useless after two shots; and in the other, we have the Amazing Spider-Man, who boasts of his 'spider reflexes,' which will help him dodge a projectile that hasn’t managed to cover about three feet of space in the time its taken him to thought-balloon a sentence and a half — only to have said reflexes completely disabled by a loud noise
. Determining the winner in this battle will be like a philosophical conundrum: can an object with no mass be moved by an infinitely weak force?
Magneto finally realizes that it was Cortez who launched the missile, trying to provoke Magneto into wiping out humanity. Magneto confronts him, but it turns out that he’s grown dependent on Cortez’s powers, which are… uh… hang on… 'the ability to bolster another mutant’s power.' So he’s basically the s**tty class in an MMORPG
. No wonder he’s so mad all the time.
So... basically, Ed's miracle machine turns people into salivating morons who think they're seeing floating fish. You know, Ed, you could have saved yourself a lot of time and effort and just given him a dose of LSD.
Meanwhile, the Jackal's recruitment drive continues
, this time hooking up with the Tarantula, a South American assassin with — get this — pointy shoes
which he uses to stun or drug his enemies by kicking them. He's actually cooler than he sounds, but not by much.
Despite a range of powers that extend to "bright lights that can hurt a bit," Jubilee
has been in every group and series with an "X" in the title except XXXtube (give it time)... They've tried for years to make her kick ass, equipping her with everything from graviton gloves through Pym Particles to antigravity plates. They even — no shit — turned her into a vampire, going so far as to transfuse her with Wolverine's blood. They even got rid of her stupid original powers, but it's a lost cause: If traumatic orphanization doesn't make you kick ass at fighting crime, nothing will. (Her main function is now as a living museum of the superheroic fashion mistakes.)
At my most bad-ass, I make people feel like they want to take a shower.
I'm just trying to figure out what I can do with a man whose weakness is room temperature.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU SAVED YOUR RECEIPT FROM THIS TRANSACTION? PLEASE IMMEDIATELY RETURN YOUR VAMPIRISM BECAUSE THAT IS THE WORST SUPERPOWER OF ALL FUCKING TIME.
And he's got all sorts of other spells, but I seriously doubt the tickle charm is gonna help him much in the fight, so let's move on.
That kid got fuckin' screwed. That's not a power...Here's all my friends with these tangible cool fuckin' powers, and I get 'Heart'!" FUCK
: I have this crummy old heart. It could be anything.
Anti Timmy Force Four? Sounds villainous to me. Wet Willie:
Please tell me they're near a coastline. Dark Mark:
This Anti Timmy Force Four must be plotting to take over this galaxy. We must crush them! Wet Willie:
-or pool? Perhaps a fountain? Timmy:
What? No! They were my friends! Joan Jet:
That's what they wanted you to think. Dark Mark:
I'll press these randomly beeping and colorful buttons to track down their exact location. (presses buttons) Wet Willie:
A tub? A damp sponge? Throw me a bone, will you? A wet bone.