Blog: Mark Reads Twilight
In the blog of Mark Reads Twilight
, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY OH GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY why WHY why why, why WHY
. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Twilight.
MARK READS TWILIGHT
In August 2009, Mark "PanasonicYouth" Oshiro, then community manager of the blogging network Buzznet, decided to see what all the fuss was about with those Twilight
The result was a completely unique journey that was part MST
, part After Action Report
, part Review Blog
, and part autobiography comparing the events in Mark's life to the story in the books.
Initially holding a somewhat neutral view of the series as literature before he began to read it, Mark slowly began to go mad as he progressed through the series
. Somehow he got through all five books (yes, even Midnight Sun
He eventually started another blog with the same format, Mark Reads Harry Potter
, before continuing into other books, movies and media at Mark Does Stuff
The blog and its fanbase provides examples of the following tropes:
- Aborted Arc: He only got to Chapter 5 of Midnight Sun. However, two months later he reviewed the last seven chapters all at once, in a single video.
- Actually Pretty Well-Written: He may not be that big of a Twilight fan, but he did find himself enjoying Chapter 5 of New Moon. He was quick to comment on this.
- After Action Report: Chapter 9 is done In the Style of... an autopsy report which was, at the time, the standard form for coroners' reports in Los Angeles county (though by his own admission, he's not sure if it's still used any more).
- Angrish: Very often, of the "cat walking on a keyboard" variety.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: In one of his reviews he posts a creepy picture for every creepy thing Bella thinks. He apologizes for the one of a man in tight golden pants.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: After Bella and Edward's first time having sex, Mark wonders why Meyer refused to describe it at all. However, when she finally does attempt a sex scene several chapters later, Mark's review just screams DO NOT WANT.
I don't think sex is disgusting. I think Stephenie Meyer describing sex is disgusting.
- Berserk Button: The Church of Latter Day Saints, and Mormonism in general, due to a run-in with a homophobic Mormon missionary who tried to recruit Mark as a young man.
- Not to mention Bella's whining, use of the word "dazzle", thinking Edward or Bella are role models, poor grammar...really, it feels like every other page something seems to piss him off in one way or another.
- In Chapter 18, when Edward tells Bella that he will hold her personally responsible for whatever happens to her, Mark finally loses it:
SADL;KFJASDF;JKLASDJKL;SFADJKLXZVCMN,XVCLKSHADFJK789243$#Q%#%%$# YOU PSYCHOPATHIC, NO-GOOD, WOMANIZING PIECE OF SHIT
- Bias Steamroller: By the time he started Breaking Dawn, it was pretty clear that any sense of neutrality or critical analysis on his part was gone. But it didn't really affect the quality of his writing.
- By Breaking Dawn? By the sixth chapter of Twilight, he declared there was no way to redeem the story anymore!
- Big "WHAT?!" / Flat "What.": A common reaction to some of more idiotic moments in the series.
Ok, this is the most common thing I write. I've said it 34 times in my notes. Nothing else. Just that single word, followed by a lack of any punctuation. Not a question or an exclamation, just a statement of utter disbelief.
- Bold Inflation: A lot. One chapter review of New Moon consisted of almost nothing but large, sparkly, animated text.
- Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: Mark's description of the Volturi: They stand around, sparkle, and occasionally eat people.
- Buffy Speak: THE 'TWILIGHT' SERIES IS, QUITE CLEARLY, THE WORST THING TO EXIST ON THE PLANET THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY A SERIOUS DISEASE OR SOMETHING.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Frequently in the later books. And the occasional Precision F-Strike too.
- Dear Negative Reader: Mark did this once, after finishing the first book.
- Deadpan Snarker: Has his moments, often when lamenting/mocking the utter lack of suspence in the books.
- Driven to Suicide: Mark in Chapter 3 of New Moon.
- Freudian Excuse: Mark will sometimes give these to explain why certain parts of the series infuriate him more than others. They are very well-written.
- Fourth Wall Mail Slot: He always reads the user comments to his posts and (usually) replies to them, sometimes referencing them in the reviews themselves.
- Gayngst: Not as prevalent as in his Harry Potter reviews, but still there.
- Genre Shift: Mark's chapter reviews have been everything from straight-up MSTs to plays, essays, incoherent rants, randomly smashing his keyboard, various characters calling out Smeyer over the stupidity of the plot, and even a fake autopsy.
- Heroic BSOD: Mark breaks down into rage at several chapters, but when he came to Chapter 18 of Breaking Dawn (the one with the vampire-tooth caesarian and Jacob imprinting on a newborn infant) he broke down in a whole different way.
- Hypocritical Humour: For his review of the 'climatic' chapter of Breaking Dawn, Mark imagines an absolutely beautiful piece of hate mail to Meyer from the ghost of William Shakespeare, calling her out on all the ways in which she tries to emulate him and fails. The Crowning Moment of Funny, if you're familiar with Shakespeare, comes right at the end:
PS: Spell your name correctly.
- Madden Into Misanthropy: You get the feeling that this series sucked all the joy out of Mark's heart.
- Rage Against the Author: The final review of the series (unless you count Midnight Sun.)
- Review Blog: Obviously.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Many.
Fuck this. Fuck all of this. Fuck all you who support this bullshit that puts the burden of sex on the female, that ignores the right of a woman over her body, that parades as ethics when it's the utmost demonization of femininity. Fuck this nonsense that purports to state that sex is ok as long as it's used to control women. This is garbage, pure and simple. It's Mormon/religious propaganda, pure and simple. And it's just shitty writing.
- Shipper on Deck: Mark becomes one for Bella/Jacob a few chapters into New Moon. He stops after the rape-kiss incident in Eclipse, however.
- This Is Gonna Suck: Frequently invoked.
- You Are Not Ready: You Are Not Prepared, his fanbase's Catch Phrase, which carried over to his Harry Potter blog and has since become "You en't prepared." for His Dark Materials, got translated into Dwarvish runes for The Hobbit, and became "You aren't frakkin' prepared!" for Battlestar Galactica.