"It's useless, that's what it is! Ma-Ti is the weakest one of all! Haw haw haw!"
"Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that the exact same power as a man with a gun?"
Robin: Wait a second, Batman. If this bat insect repellent is useless against insects, why have we been carrying tubes of it around in our body cavities? Batman? I deserve an answer, Batman.
Super Sam: Anti Timmy Force Four? Sounds villainous to me.
Wet Willie: Please tell me they're near a coastline.
Dark Mark: This Anti Timmy Force Four must be plotting to take over this galaxy. We must crush them!
Wet Willie: -or pool? Perhaps a fountain?
Timmy: What? No! They were my friends!
Joan Jet: That's what they wanted you to think.
Dark Mark: I'll press these randomly beeping and colorful buttons to track down their exact location. (presses buttons)
Wet Willie: A tub? A damp sponge? Throw me a bone, will you? A wet bone.
— The Fairly OddParents, "Power Pals"
Eros' superpower, besides achieving a preternatural douchebag look that is envied by Lacoste-shirt-wearing, collar-popping frat boys all over the world, is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Yes, his name is Eros, and he gives you pleasure. That's the kind of things you only read on a male prostitute's business card.
Killing Top Man was the key to getting Mega Man's most useless Power-Up. The Top Spin took away all the barriers we'd put up between video games and figure skating.
Despite a range of powers that extend to "bright lights that can hurt a bit," Jubilee has been in every group and series with an "X" in the title except XXXtube (give it time)... They've tried for years to make her kick ass, equipping her with everything from graviton gloves through Pym Particles to antigravity plates. They even — no shit — turned her into a vampire, going so far as to transfuse her with Wolverine's blood. They even got rid of her stupid original powers, but it's a lost cause: If traumatic orphanization doesn't make you kick ass at fighting crime, nothing will. (Her main function is now as a living museum of the superheroic fashion mistakes.)
Chicken: You know the chickens are always ready to help you any way we can. But as you know...
Squeezit: What can chickens do?
"We once summoned Captain Planet without heart... that guy was a dick."
— Dellombra, the World of Warcraft Off-Topic Forums
"I couldn't believe it when I figured out your powers. I mean, could they be any more pathetic?"
— Yana Savari, Fingerprints
"She has the power to turn people bald?! That is rubbish - (points dramatically) Bald! Bald! Bald!"
— Nathan, Misfits
"I can only make Japanese snacks. I am a bullshit magician."
— Junichi, in the Da Capo Visual Novel.
"...Which might explain the intensity that she brings to her position as Sailor Mercury, mistress of bubbles. She certainly seems to enjoy the work more viscerally than the others do. It makes her smile. Unfortunately, she has to date been delegated to a support role, due to lack of power output. I mean, really, bubbles?"
Octopus: The Pain. His special ability was being covered in bees.
Wolf: Zat's a special ability?
Octopus: I sure can't do it.
"IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU SAVED YOUR RECEIPT FROM THIS TRANSACTION? PLEASE IMMEDIATELY RETURN YOUR VAMPIRISM BECAUSE THAT IS THE WORST SUPERPOWER OF ALL FUCKING TIME."
bluhbluhthisisgarbage asked: "What do Heart powers do?"
"Maybe we’ll find out later?????? For now, let’s say they make you extremely likely to get beaten to death by a rowdy juggalo."
Aquaman: My ability to speak with fish is of no help, Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman: (rolls eyes)
Jenna Marbles:...Heart? Question mark?...That kid got fuckin' screwed--that's not a power...Here's all my friends with these tangible cool fuckin' powers, and I get 'Heart'--FUCK. YOU.
—Jenna Marbles on What Kid Shows Taught Me
Wonderheart Bear: I have this crummy old heart. It could be anything.
—Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot, "In a Flash"
Andrew Hussie: [Doze] is slow.
Caliborn: THAT'S A HORRIBLE POWER.
Caliborn: HOW IS THAT EVEN A POWER.
Andrew Hussie: It just is.