"A handful of swords in Lord of the Rings
Orcrist, Sting and lovely Glamdring
Magical blades that it was soon found
Would glow a bit blue when orcs were around
One wonders if it's that useful a feature
'Cause orcs aren't really the subtlest creature
Would your sword really spot them before you do?
Whatever, it's also a thing that glows blue"
"At my most bad-ass, I make people feel like they want to take a shower.
— Moist on his 'super power', Doctor Horribles Sing Along Blog
"And he's got all sorts of other spells, but I seriously doubt the tickle charm is gonna help him much in the fight, so let's move on."
"It's useless, that's what it is! Ma-Ti is the weakest one of all! Haw haw haw!"
Chicken: You know the chickens are always ready to help you any way we can. But as you know...
Squeezit: What can chickens do?
"We once summoned Captain Planet without heart... that guy was a dick."
— Dellombra, the World of Warcraft Off-Topic Forums
"I couldn't believe it when I figured out your powers. I mean, could they be any more pathetic?"
— Yana Savari, Fingerprints
"She has the power to turn people bald?! That is rubbish - (points dramatically) Bald! Bald! Bald!"
— Nathan, Misfits
"I can only make Japanese snacks. I am a bullshit magician."
— Junichi, in the Da Capo Visual Novel.
"...Which might explain the intensity that she brings to her position as Sailor Mercury, mistress of bubbles. She certainly seems to enjoy the work more viscerally than the others do. It makes her smile. Unfortunately, she has to date been delegated to a support role, due to lack of power output. I mean, really, bubbles?"
Octopus: The Pain. His special ability was being covered in bees.
Wolf: Zat's a special ability?
Octopus: I sure can't do it.
"IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU SAVED YOUR RECEIPT FROM THIS TRANSACTION? PLEASE IMMEDIATELY RETURN YOUR VAMPIRISM BECAUSE THAT IS THE WORST SUPERPOWER OF ALL FUCKING TIME."
Aquaman: My ability to speak with fish is of no help, Wonder Woman!
Wonder Woman: (rolls eyes)
Jenna Marbles:...Heart? Question mark?...That kid got fuckin' screwed--that's not a power...Here's all my friends with these tangible cool fuckin' powers, and I get 'Heart'--FUCK. YOU.
—Jenna Marbles on What Kid Shows Taught Me
Wonderheart Bear: I have this crummy old heart. It could be anything.
—Care Bears: Welcome to Care-a-Lot, "In a Flash"
"Killing Top Man was the key to getting Mega Man's most useless Power-Up. The Top Spin took away all the barriers we'd put up between video games and figure skating."
Andrew Hussie: [Doze] is slow.
Caliborn: THAT'S A HORRIBLE POWER.
Caliborn: HOW IS THAT EVEN A POWER.
Andrew Hussie: It just is.
"I'm just trying to figure out what I can do with a man whose weakness is room temperature."
"Look, we’ve all heard the constant jokes about how Aquaman sucks because he talks to fish lol, and I will 100% agree with you that they are terrible, lazy gags that have been beaten so far into the ground over the past three decades that I’m amazed nobody struck oil. Worse, they became a shorthand for superheroes as a whole, so that anyone who wanted to look down on the entire genre of superhero comics — and frequently the entire medium — could smirk their way through repeating them ad infinitum...But the thing is, they’re not exactly crafted from whole cloth. The thing that really makes them sting, that made them the ultimate superhero reader put-down for so long, and the thing that Aquaman’s ardent defenders don’t want to admit is that they’re true."
—Chris Sims, "Aquaman is Basically Terrible"
"You have to give the creators of the newspaper Spider-Man credit for always exploring new frontiers of total lameness on the part of their characters. In one corner, we have Big Time, a criminal mastermind so committed to his laughable clock theme that he has some sort of clock-shaped pop-gun that spits out its minute hand as ammunition and is thus presumably useless after two shots; and in the other, we have the Amazing Spider-Man, who boasts of his 'spider reflexes,' which will help him dodge a projectile that hasn’t managed to cover about three feet of space in the time its taken him to thought-balloon a sentence and a half — only to have said reflexes completely disabled by a loud noise. Determining the winner in this battle will be like a philosophical conundrum: can an object with no mass be moved by an infinitely weak force?"
"Magneto finally realizes that it was Cortez who launched the missile, trying to provoke Magneto into wiping out humanity. Magneto confronts him, but it turns out that he’s grown dependent on Cortez’s powers, which are… uh… hang on… 'the ability to bolster another mutant’s power.' So he’s basically the s**tty class in an MMORPG. No wonder he’s so mad all the time."
"Hey, wait a minute. Killing someone from long distance while making a loud noise? Isn't that the exact same power as a man with a gun?"
So... basically, Ed's miracle machine turns people into salivating morons who think they're seeing floating fish. You know, Ed, you could have saved yourself a lot of time and effort and just given him a dose of LSD.
"Eros' superpower, besides achieving a preternatural douchebag look that is envied by Lacoste-shirt-wearing, collar-popping frat boys all over the world, is the ability to stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain. Yes, his name is Eros, and he gives you pleasure. That's the kind of things you only read on a male prostitute's business card."
"Meanwhile, the Jackal's recruitment drive continues, this time hooking up with the Tarantula, a South American assassin with — get this — pointy shoes which he uses to stun or drug his enemies by kicking them. He's actually cooler than he sounds, but not by much."
Super Sam: Anti Timmy Force Four? Sounds villainous to me.
Wet Willie: Please tell me they're near a coastline.
Dark Mark: This Anti Timmy Force Four must be plotting to take over this galaxy. We must crush them!
Wet Willie: -or pool? Perhaps a fountain?
Timmy: What? No! They were my friends!
Joan Jet: That's what they wanted you to think.
Dark Mark: I'll press these randomly beeping and colorful buttons to track down their exact location. (presses buttons)
Wet Willie: A tub? A damp sponge? Throw me a bone, will you? A wet bone.
— The Fairly OddParents, "Power Pals"
bluhbluhthisisgarbage asked: "What do Heart powers do?"
"Maybe we’ll find out later?????? For now, let’s say they make you extremely likely to get beaten to death by a rowdy juggalo."
Despite a range of powers that extend to "bright lights that can hurt a bit," Jubilee has been in every group and series with an "X" in the title except XXXtube (give it time)... They've tried for years to make her kick ass, equipping her with everything from graviton gloves through Pym Particles to antigravity plates. They even — no shit — turned her into a vampire, going so far as to transfuse her with Wolverine's blood. They even got rid of her stupid original powers, but it's a lost cause: If traumatic orphanization doesn't make you kick ass at fighting crime, nothing will. (Her main function is now as a living museum of the superheroic fashion mistakes.)