Quotes / Jerkass Gods

"The [Old] Gods don't give a damn about us!"

And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightning, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
Hedwig and the Angry Inch, "The Origin of Love"

Gods ain't gonna help you, son
You'll be sorry for what you done.
Them gods gonna hurt you, son
When you play with a loaded gun.
They ain't gonna catch you when you fall.
You'll be pleading
While you're bleeding.
Bastion The Pantheon (Ain't Gonna Catch You)

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods, they kill us for their sport.
Gloucester, King Lear, Act IV, Scene 1

Claudius: Why are you so anxious to become a goddess?
Livia: Oh, don't you understand? Claudius, do you believe that the souls of great criminals suffer eternal torment?
Claudius: Certainly.
Livia: But that the immortal gods, whatever crimes they have committed, are free from fear of punishment?
Claudius: Of course. Jove deposed his father, killed one of his grandsons and incestuously married his own sister. He's the greatest god of all.

The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where's the god of tits and wine?
Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

High Sparrow: You would spill blood in this holy place?
Jaime Lannister: The gods won't mind. They spill more blood than the rest of us combined.

'Hell take me?' It is a saying from my village and the region about. These Deathless are the gods; they claim to rule the earth and the heavens. And so, when we die, we wish for a place where they are not. Better the pains of hell than living in heaven beneath the Deathless."''
Siris, Infinity Blade: Awakening

Seth: Died instantly?
Jacob: Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on.
Seth: Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?
Jacob: Yes, they do.

"This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering."

Guardian of the Park: *After a giant concrete mascot changes direction in midair, saving a girl* The power of the gods! The power of the gods saved that little girl!
Sissel: ...And then that same power very deliberately crushed you instead?

PunPun: "Is there any way for mom and dad to be nice to each other again?"

"Yes, you did sign up to be turned into a porcupine and chased by a berserk blink frog."
##crawl learndb describing Xom

"Sebaceans once had a god called Djancaz-Bru. Six worlds prayed to her. They built her temples, conquered planets in her name. And one day she rose up and destroyed all six worlds. And as the last warrior was dying, he said, "We gave you everything. Why did you destroy us?" And she looked down upon him and she whispered: "Because I can". "
—- Aeryn Sun, Farscape

Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is?
You're ruthless to Humans!
Your crew is like the Clash Of The Douches!

Real Life

Now, there is a big difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that is the New Testament God is really kind of a great guy. He is, especially when you compare him to the Old Testament God, who is a prick. I don't know what happened to God over time, how he matured, if he went to an anger management class, or maybe just the birth of his son calmed him down. But before he had the kid, holy fuck he was out of control.
Lewis Black, Red, White and Screwed

The Greeks got it right, the Greeks understood perfectly that if there were divine beings, they are capricious, unkind, malicious, temperamental, envious, and mostly deeply unpleasant.

You can find things in the traditional religions which are very benign and decent and wonderful and so on, but I mean, the Bible is probably the most genocidal book in the literary canon. The God of the Bible, not only did He order His chosen people to carry out literal genocide—I mean, wipe out every Amalekite to the last man, woman, child, and, you know, donkey and so on, because hundreds of years ago they got in your way when you were trying to cross the desert— not only did He do things like that, but, after all, the God of the Bible was ready to destroy every living creature on earth because some humans irritated Him. That's the story of Noah. I mean, that's beyond genocide; you don't know how to describe this creature. Somebody offended Him, and He was going to destroy every living being on earth? And then He was talked into allowing two of each species to stay alive, that's supposed to be gentle and wonderful.
Noam Chomsky

God in this movie is a dick. The movie is supposed to be about Evan being some major asshole and through his experience of building the ark he is supposed to get his comeuppance and grow as a person. In some cases like The Santa Clause that works... But God in this movie takes it upon himself to personally f*ck over Evan taking away his job, money, friends, associates, and also to punish him in a myriad of ways for his own personal jollies. Evan really doesn't deserve all this crap and it is odd that I feel sorry for this sad pathetic man who really doesnít deserve a tenth of what he is really getting. Thatís not the sign of a good movie is it? Feeling bad for the person who is supposedly getting their much deserved lesson/comeuppance? If I were being a real prick, I would ask why God is saving some 20 people from a flood in the suburbs and he let Katrina go no problem?

The root problem with Christianity is that their God is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit you have to come up with all kinds of wacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative limbless agony for eighteen years. Ancient cultures didn't have that problem - they knew their gods were a bunch of drunken lunatics who ran around boning their close relatives and turning their goolies into fruit-bearing trees.
Yahtzee Croshaw, Zero Punctuation