(Scene: Ryan and Colin as nurses administering a prostate exam)
Ryan: "Nobody's ever ready for a prostate exam. It's hard on both sides."
Colin: "I know. It's just... I... You're right. It's time for me to check this man's prostate."
(Music starts up - Ryan makes pulling-covers-open and spreading motions
Colin: "Lying there I think I am the mean-est
Colin: "First I'll move this little guy's pe-nis!
Colin: "Put on the glove! Put on some gel! Here we go! Ohh well!
" (starts making digging and wiggling motions before 'pulling out' and going 'ta-daah!')
Ryan: "That didn't take any time at all!"
Ryan: "We should've put him out first..."
Colin: "That costs extra."
Jeff: I come from a very strict Greek family. (honk honk)
I... Italian family. (honk honk)
I'm adopted. I'm Chinese and Native American. (honk honk honk)
I'm a white guy. (ding ding ding ding)
And we're very strict Catholics. (honk honk)
There is no god.
Jeff: You're dating other guys, I can see that... (ding ding)
Word around the school is (ding ding)
...Word around th... (dingdingdingding)
) How many guys are you dating?!
Heather Anne: In between one and ten.
Jeff & Ryan: Totally Partaaaay!
(Ryan, Greg, Drew and Colin are huddled side by side when Jeff joins Chip on the other side)
Jeff: "Dale, check out what I bought - one of those huge office ball-clacker things, this is so cool, just watch..."
(Jeff pulls Colin aside, then lets go as Colin 'rebounds' into Drew and Greg, 'making' Ryan bounce off)
(after Greg replaces Jeff as the 'donkey')
Colin: "I'm a big fan of the '80s, of course because I was born then... and umm..."
Jeff: (Sarcasm Mode
Colin: (shoots them a look) "I'm also a big fan of Pat Boone
Chip: "No no, '80s is good.
(Scene: Ryan and Jonathan are in Tahiti)
Ryan: (arms raised as if tree-climbing) "I see a big ripe coconut... You know how they're ripe?"
Jonathan: (face up Ryan's armpit) "You're
(Audience member Jen is struggling to move Chip, as she continually forgets to move his legs.)
Chip: "I'm going to walk over to my tennis bag and get it. (Jen turns him around using his arms.) With my leeeeegs."
(After Chip gets his "racket," Jen again struggles to turn him around using his wrists, resulting in Chip starting to tip backwards. Trying to keep her balance, she spreads his arms wider.)
Chip, leaning backwards, arms outstretched: "WHASSUP, TOM?! I'M 'BOUT TO GET MY TENNIS ON!"
(Ryan getting shoved a bit roughly by audience member Sara)
Greg: (to Sara) "Easy - we need him..."
Ryan: "Don't stop her, Greg.
(Ryan explains the game; Drew and Chip are the players)
Ryan: "...when you want them to move forward, tap the back of the leg... want them to move backward, tap the front of the leg... if you want him to go back to your room, (indicating Chip's groin) just tap him around there. (Beat
) With Drew you'll have to search for a bit.
(Ryan as the mythical Cyclops named Phil)
Colin: "You've gotta hide the fact that you only have one eye."
Ryan: "You're right!"
Colin: "Why don't you paint another eye beside it?"
Brad: "New choice."
Colin: "Why don't you make the nose even bigger?"
Brad: "New choice."
(Ryan is clearly trying not to laugh
for a while while Colin realize he accidentaly say something he shouldn't say)
Ryan: "Are we really going to start?! 'Cos I will...
Colin: (Saying repeatedly) No. No. No. No. No.
(Chip is a cowboy introducing Drew to the range)
Chip: "The first thing you gotta learn about being me is, you gotta be tough as nails."
Ryan: "New choice."
Chip: "The first thing you need to learn about being me is, you gotta be... a little hard of hearing."
Ryan: "New choice."
Ryan: "New choice."
Jeff: "What's your favourite section in the video store?"
Drew: "Yeah, remember video stores?..."
Jeff: "Freeze. Your favorite kind of book, sir... (listens) Sports book.
(mobster voice) Guy wants to see this take place in a sports book."
Jeff: "Freeze. Your favourite writer as a kid. (listens) Shel Silverstein
Drew: (Large Ham
On) "Sarah Sylvia Cynthia Stout, could not get her hand out!..."
Jeff: "Freeze. I also heard Dr. Seuss
Jonathan: "I do not like you, you you you, don't put your hand on Thing 1 or 2!
Colin: "What I need from you first, is a location where two friends could meet...
Colin: "A toilet. What friends do you hang out with, sir?
Colin: "A hospital. A hospital..."
Colin: "Freeze. A style of movie (listens) Film Noir
Drew: "'Scientific names for body parts', please."
Chip: (to the audience) "'Scientific names for body parts'..." (pause to listen) "You guys heard it, 'Medulla Oblongata'!"
(Ryan buzzes in)
Chip: "Who buzzed there? Was that you Phil?"
Ryan: "What is the big showstopping number from The Lion King
Heather Anne: "I'll take 'Tastes like the color Orange' for $100..."
Chip: "...'Dreamsicle'! The answer is 'Dreamsicle'..."
(Drew buzzes in)
Chip: "Yes, Bob?"
Drew: "What is my stripper name?..."
Chip: "...uhh, yeah... We also would have accepted Medulla Oblongata..."
Ryan: Number 4. What's your name, whataya do?
Jeff: (with German accent) My name is Klaus.
Ryan: What do you do for a living, Klaus?
Jeff: I'm a ski instructor.
Ryan: You are?
Jeff: Yes, I'm an evil ski instructor.
Ryan: Really? What makes you so evil?
Jeff: Because I win and you lose
(In an ice age scene)
(Next line for Jonathan in the same scene)
Jonathan: "We know what your last girlfriend used to say..."
Jonathan: "She'd stand on top of cliff and yell... 'I can't believe my man is cougar material'!" (tries hard not to laugh)
Song for a Lady
(Scene: Fishing at a river) Ryan
: "I couldn't help noticing that you have besides your fishing equipment, a parachute and what appears to be a bag of money." Drew
: (pointed tones) "Don't you worry about that." Ryan
: "I'm not worried, I'm just thinking to myself (reads) "Did you remember the tickets?"
) Obviously not, if you had to parachute out of a plane.
(Chip and Jeff are two cowboys on the range)
Jeff: "Look, it's that coyote again..." (woman from audience does a howl) "It's a gay coyote!"
Chip: (Camp Gay
Jeff: "No!... That's what gay horses eat!"
Jeff: "Princess Dumbeloney awoke, her long hair flowing across her pillow. She was looking for love-"
Colin: "And something to attach her hair to her head. She looked out the window and saw nothing-"
Greg: "Except a man, riding far far away on a gallant white steed. He was wearing-"
Chip: "Chaps. And a big ten-gallon hat. This was the man of her dreams."
Drew: "His name was Manuel. Manuel was a rancher from Argentina."
Charlie: "...Charlie Sheen f---ed a dead hooker.
(Long pause as everyone loses it)
Colin: "...and what I mean by that... in this strange far-off land that Manuel had just come from, to revive the people that weaved by hooking, he would help them along by having sex-
Jeff: "With them. All the children of the land were given by-"
Chip: "Their parents, to one certain kingdom, where they would all know that Dumbel-"
was their queen. And so he rode manthelly(sic)-"
Colin: "Towards the castle walls."
Charlie: "...Charlie Sheen still f---ed a dead hooker.
Drew: "He knew this because he met it on TMZ."
Jeff: "Now when I say 'f—-ed this dead hooker' I mean f—-ed her.
Greg: "The best thing about dead hookers is, you don't have to pay afterwards.
Colin: "And... you should always get your parking tickets validated.
Suddenly, as Princess Dumbeloney was looking out the window, Prince Manuel-"
Jeff: "Jumped off his horse, saw her gazing at the woodland and said-"
Charlie: "Can I get a prenup, you bitch?
Chip/Jonathan: In 1827, the Brai-lsh invented the Eiffel Tower.
Heather/Drew: Wait. Hold that thought. According to my books, the Eiffel Tower was invented by the French. So what are you trying to feed me, pal?
Chip/Jonathan: Books are for people that read. We'll tell you everything you want to know!
Heather/Drew: Okay, then who is Mr. Premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Hmm, good question. Mr. Premier of France is Jerry Lewis
Heather/Drew: Jerry Lewis
is the premier of France?
Chip/Jonathan: Si, Seņor. ...Look! It's... uh... Puff Daddy! Hey, Puff Daddy and your wife!
(Confession Cam at the end of the 'Jeannie' episode)
Jim: It was fun for me, I...
Jonathan: (interrupting) You guys, we got a hot tub ready, if you wanna go, I'll slip into a bathing suit and meet you there, ok? (leaves)
Jim: (already laughing) Okay!
Jeannie: Do we have to wear suits?