Just For Fun / TV Tropes Additional Evil Overlord Vows Cellblock E

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401. Before imprisonment, any captives will be given a thorough and complete cavity search by someone who is neither sexually attracted to them, nor repulsed by them, in any way, shape, or form. Reluctant searchers will miss something while those who get too into it may decide to switch sides in order to keep it up. Any who cannot do the task professionally will be summarily executed and replaced with a more willing and attentive employee.
402. If the heroes send someone utterly ridiculous but that is capable of defeating any powerful villain because of it, i will send my most pathetic, clumsy minion against him. After all, if the Rule of Funny is what allows such a being to come on the top, nothing is fairer than to exploit the ridiculousness of the situation and gave him a taste of his own medicine, pitching him against someone that's more silly than he is, leading to his defeat since it's funny that way!
403. If a technique can defeat me once, I will learn it.
404. I will not trust any single point off any of the preceding lists alone to render me Genre Savvy.
405. If my Mad Scientist creates a new model of mech or robot armor I will have a mook use the new model and have him fight my strongest and most trusted lieutenant in the next most recent model. If my lieutenant wins I shall order the scientist to improve the new model and I shall destroy the model my lieutenant was using.
406. Should I have the hero tied, disarmed and at my mercy, I will not untie him, give him back his weapon, and engage him in a duel just to prove my superiority. I will instead simply chop his head off.
407. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and order the hero's execution in a forced brawl against several wild beasts instead of just shooting him, I will immediately have him shot if he overcomes the beasts.
408. I don't care how cool it sounds. I will always have my gun cocked before going after the hero.
409. After reading every item of the Evil Overlord List until they are etched into my memory, I will erase all traces of said lists, track down all parties who contributed to the list and eliminate them. I will then wear a mask of stupidity and track down any aspiring Evil Overlords and if I deem them dumb enough to fall for my facade, but competent enough to achieve a measure of success and pose a threat to mankind, recruit them to be a part of MY Legion of Terror, while playing the role of THEIR minion. During this time, I will scout any prospective heroes and arrange it so that all heroes and Overlords-in-Training meet up for a death match and eliminate each other for me. I will not waste any time in letting survivors catch their breath, executing them on the spot. I will bring guns, dagger, dirks, swords and shuriken to every encounter, have all weapons doused in poison and use any means at my disposal to ensure an advantage over allies and foes alike. After the dust settles, I will have my personal band play my theme song as I am declared Evilest of Evil Overlords.
410. I will never, I repeat, NEVER, stop and make idle conversation, small talk, chit chat, gossip, etc. with the hero should I come across him. Should our paths cross, I will shoot him, stab him, poison him, choke him, drown him, decapitate him, flay and mutilate him, burn him, chop him up and use any and all supernatural powers I have to all around erase his existence from behind and ask questions later. Should we meet face to face, and he/she is destined to stop me and kick my ass (be it in that order or no), I will avoid one-on-one confrontation and instead send all of my forces at him at once and then follow the above procedure while he/she is distracted or wounded or both.
411. However, if I meet The Hero in a place where neither of us can harm the other, e.g. the Spirit Realm, I will covertly tell my minions to go to their location and capture their physical body, while I distract them by talking about my beliefs, how my day is going, or my Tragic Backstory. If any seeds of doubt can be sown into their mind, it will give me yet another advantage should things go pear-shaped.
412. Blood Knight though I may be, I will not attempt to best the Hero in single combat just to prove that I'm superior. If I have him at my mercy, I'll just kill him. He can't prove he's superior to me if his head is at my feet.
413. My Legions of Terror will be an equal opportunity employment but all applicant Mooks will have to pass a competency and physical aptitude test and will be placed in positions fit for their results. However, all of them will be given health benefits for them and their families, including life insurance so that low ranking mooks will have an incentive to go on suicide missions should it become necessary.
414. I will build my fortress so that in the event that the alarm is raised, there will be a hall that my elite defense mooks are instructed to enter that has no windows, the entrance and exits automatically shutdown and no way to sabotage the hall. All Mooks will be instructed to shoot back to back and any mook that shoots facing one another deserves what he gets (if they don't die, they will not be killed but suffer a fatal accident).
415. My Mooks will be given special headgear to protective from concussive/flash bangs, smoke bombs, and poison/noxious gasses so as not to be caught off guard and the hall will be specifically designed to immediately respond to any fires and or vapors that arise in the hall, instantly erasing them but not lasting long enough to give the hero and his gang any advantage should they possess certain elemental affinities.
416. Much to my disgust, I will acknowledge it's a valuable skill to Know When to Fold 'Em.
417. In the event I forget that holding the Idiot Ball is a Bad Thing™ and decide to place the hero in a Death Trap instead of executing him cleanly and quickly, I will watch the whole thing and have a squadron of my Legions of Terror on standby to gun down the hero if he escapes.
418. When building my evil Fortress'O'Doom, I will make sure that the room holding all my weapons and/or explosives is (A) always locked, guarded and watched and (B) not right next to or under my main room of doom.
419. If the land around my fortress is populated by giant worms, mutant insects or rabid zombies, I will put all my troops through a strict training course on how to avoid or kill them in event of a breach.
420. When I have all the tunnels rigged with mines, pit-traps or swinging blade traps, I will make sure to my troops are informed of this, complete with strategies to make use of them.
421. I will remember that Even Evil Has Loved Ones and plan accordingly. I will not give my minions any reason to resent me and will in fact encourage Minion Shipping so that if the hero kills one or more of them, there is always someone with a very good reason to want the hero dead. I will engage in Villainous Friendships with my minions and especially my Dragon and lieutenants. I will engage in Unholy Matrimony rather than use a harem. Being able to call upon the Power of Love and the Power of Friendship is nothing to sneeze at.
422. Before engaging in my Reign of Terror as a Villain with Good Publicity, I will hire an Obviously Evil vizier, advisor, chancellor, or Prime Minister who is also The Starscream and about as competent as the Trope Namer. I will put him ostensibly in charge of the most unsavory parts of my Empire without actually giving him any real authority. He will make an excellent fall guy and I will endeavour to allow the Hero to "free" me from the influence of my Evil Chancellor who has obviously been the cause of all this tragedy that has occurred behind my back.
423. Once the Hero starts killing off large numbers of my Mooks, I will periodically hold mass memorial services for them with open caskets and grieving relatives for all the world to see. I will deliver an eulogy and shed a Single Tear for my slain comrades. This will paint me as A Father to His Men and the Hero as a Sociopathic Hero. I will also provide bursaries for the education of surviving dependants, medals to honor the fallen and gratituities to feed their surviving parents and widows. If there are any orphans (especially if both parents worked for me), I will raise them in an Orphanage of Love and see if I can convince some of them to become Tykebombs. I will use these in my elite guard and ;et the Hero explain to them why Daddy and Mommy had to die just for doing their jobs.
424. If my Mooks are armed with deadly insta-death laser weaponry, I will design the guns to be so complicated that no person who isn't trained in the use of such a weapon can use them. That way, I can prevent my enemies from using the guns of my fallen Mooks in battle.
425. If I hear the Hero's theme music, and it's not a Dark Reprise, I will not keep fighting. I will get the hell away, because the Narrative Gods have decided against me.
426. I will not form a settlement atop a Hell Gate if the only way to appease said Hell Gate is to periodically force twins to murder each other. Someone will inevitably try to escape and send everything on a merry path to Hell.
427. If for any insane reason, I plan to stage a dramatic appearance and defeat a Humongous Mecha, I will make sure I (and only I) can actually beat it first and that the AI won't immediately regard me as a threat and curb stomp me. Or better yet, kill that pesky AI altogether and hand control of the mecha over to a competent mook stationed far, far away from the action.
428. Absolutely none of this applies if I am the "villain" of Civilization or Empire Earth. I can be as brutal as I want, and as long as I'm a competent leader who can keep my empire moderately happy I can be as brutal and genocidal as I see fit. NOTE: Only applies if I am facing enemies I would not normally see, for instance Americans as the leader of a tribe of Asians in the Stone Age..
429. If I ever split my soul into multiple nearly-indestructible pieces to become unkillable, I will make one of those pieces a part of a deep space probe, one of them a random miscellaneous object of absolutely no significance, and one of them the gravestone of The Hero's parents. Heroes are almost always orphans, after all.
430. I will not pull the plug on a group of genetically-engineered super-soldiers just because the first one turned out smarter than I expected, especially if it means killing a batch that's already half-finished. The prototype likely won't appreciate me scrapping his brethren just because I got cold feet, will inevitably find out (some idiot always talks), and could express his displeasure in some VERY counterproductive ways.
431. If The Hero is ever dangling off the edge of some edifice over a pit of death or something similar, I will not waste time trying to stomp on or shoot his hands. I will shoot him in the head or whatever other fatal target I am infinitely more likely to hit.
432. None of my Mooks will be wearing opaque helmets in my presence. I will not hire a Mook that hides their face. Any Mook that refuses to take off their helmet on command will be shot immediately.
433. If I find myself in the situation of Rule 174, I will let the Hero rescue me. But then I will consider Rule 68 before following up according to Rule 174.
434. Whenever I use magic, I will ensure that destroying the source of it will not completely reverse its effects, and that only an opposite spell will undo the previous one. I will also keep said opposite spell either on my person or in my safety deposit box.
435. All jails and prisons will have maximum security, with every inmate locked alone in their own cells (almost) all the time.
436. Any prisoner who is a skilled martial artist or possesses superpowers will be physically restrained as much as possible. If fully restraining them is not possible, I will execute them if that, at least, is possible.
437. If I find myself attempting to conquer an Insignificant Little Blue Planet, my first thoughts are not going to be firebomb the surface or send masses of mooks to harm the population; that is just asking for a team of pesky heroes to fight back. Instead, I will communicate with the leaders of this little world and see whether I can assimilate them into my empire peacefully. If it doesn't work, then I break out the army.
438. While launching all my forces at a "defenseless" planet can be an effective means of conquering it, it can leave the inhabitants resorting to more drastic measures. Hence, if I am expanding my empire and come across a new inhabited planet, I will deploy small scale skirmishes to test the local defences, while simultaneously learning about the planet's culture and philosophies. I will also ensure that my navy is outfitted with defenses against potential weapons the natives may use against me.
439. If the heroes command the power of the natural elements, I will devise an armor immune or resistant to those elements or be capable of absorbing the power for my own use. If said armor drains the power of the heroes in the process, even better. I will also ensure that I am the only one who can wear the armor, and that it won't self-destruct if it absorbs an excess of energy.
440. If my minions are convicted criminals or prisoners, I will not free them all simultaneously to take out the heroes. Instead, I will see if the job can't be done with a simple sniper, and if not I will release the prisoners one at a time from the least likely to attack me to the most likely.
441. If I end up kidnapped by pirates who hold me to ransom, and the pirates end up kidnapping the hero(es) as well, I will work together with them to escape captivity. I will not at any point attack them, except in self defense, in order to keep up the pretense of the Enemy Mine. Once I am free, I will make an example of the pirates from the comfort of my Fortress of Doom, before I carry on with my evil plans.
442. If I invite the hero to dinner, I will not attempt to kill them with poisoned food, drink or any other methods that could potentially be used against me. Instead, a trained (and loyal) sniper will have their crosshairs on the hero at all times; so if the need arises, they can be eliminated efficiently. After all, I invited the hero to dinner for a reason. If I wanted to kill them, they wouldn't even have made it to the courtyard.
443. If I serve a God in a realm with multiple Gods and multiple alignments, my efforts will go towards advancing my Lord's plans and goals. If this means aiding the other Gods with their insignificant problems, but an outcome from it could benefit my own interests, I will help them. Doubly so if the aid undermines another God's agenda. It will also mean they owe me a favor, which can be very beneficial when my Lord enacts his plan.
444. I will never require any teenager within the borders of my empire to choose a single faction to devote themselves to for the rest of their natural existence. Furthermore, since the risks always have a nasty tendency to outweigh the rewards (and it rarely ends well), there will not be any such factions in the first place. (Of course, there are other ways to find out what drives them.)
445. I will always make sure my Legions of Terror have plentiful supplies of winter uniforms. Of course, I will also never invade a country where said uniforms would be necessary to survive in the winter.
446. Unless it is an absolute last resort, I will not hide out in my grandmother's basement. Eventually I'll have to go to the bathroom, and chances are the old bint will find out and rat me out to The Hero and their pals.
447. If I have a project to create a defense system that makes defending my invaded territory/colony easier, I will treat the workers well and give them their well-deserved occasional vacations, food and wages. This may cost more, but this will save me the even larger cost of being labeled as an evil tyrant and given a Historical Villain Upgrade in the future.
448. My mooks will learn how to fight in large groups to further reduce the chance of being affected by the Conservation of Ninjutsu.
449. My Legions of Terror will never wear name tags. What was it you said about tattoos again?
450. I will imprison any Fanboys and Fangirls because they often cause problems.
451. If I ever get into a debate with the hero, I will assume that the hero is a skilled debater and I should treat him as such. As such, I will avoid using fallacious arguments and not be afraid to point out and explain the fallacy (especially ad hominem and "Poisoning The Well" fallacies).
452. Regarding (Rule #3, it might not even be a good idea to usurp the throne of my noble half-brother. If one of my trusted advisers or lieutenants suddenly informs me it’s a mad scheme... they can probably find far better uses for an iron mask. Besides, I might actually need his help later on.
453. When punishing my minions, I will not kill them or spam the agony beam as these tend to lower morale and cause Mistreatment-Induced Betrayals.
454. Continuing Rule #2, if the heroes have a Team Pet that is small enough to crawl through the ventilation ducts I will add surveillance cameras in the ducts.
455. Going Go-Karting With The Hero and other assorted cast is always a good idea. Morale is boosted if the Evil Overlord is seen doing something actually human and having fun for once.
456. Expanding on Rule #1, the plexiglass to be used for the visors on my soldiers’ helmets will be anti-scratch and anti-glare. Something called Crizal, perhaps?
457. I will keep a record of all previous structural renovations to all my buildings. If I acquire a new one and only if I plan on keeping it, I will have professionals and 5 year old kids scour every nick and crevice, just in case there's some secret passage or a basement that wasn't in the original plans.
458. I will regularly train with an Old Master (or two) and make sure my Legions of Terror do the same. After all, how do you think they became Old Masters? I will also make sure to confirm the sufficient moral corruption of the Old Master (or Masters), lest they sway me or my Legions of Terror away from the path of Evil with Koans, Ice-Cream or otherwise.
459. I will not pass off my opponents as all Card Carrying Villains or otherwise Always Chaotic Evil. Instead, I will paint them as well-meaning but misguided. That's easier for the public to swallow, and harder for my opponents to disprove.
460. I will simply push The Hero into the Shark Pool instead of hanging him above it.
461. Dating is a risky prospect. The song goes: “A pretty face can hide an evil mind.” Of course, there’s nothing at all wrong with The Hero dating.
462. No matter how remote the possibility may be, I will always keep in mind the possibility of a god, gods, or god-like entit(y/ies) existing and assisting the hero, a la The Odyssey.
463. If the Hero is beginning a Transformation Sequence, I will either shoot the Hero as s/he is undergoing it or increase my weapon's power as it occurs, rather than merely standing and gawking at it.
464. Alternatively, I would withdraw while he's distracted with said sequence. Eventually, he'll turn back into his normal form, convinced that the battle has ended. At which time I shall have him shot dead from sniper range while his transformation powers are on cooldown.
465. If I threaten to destroy the beautiful princess's hometown/city/planet if she does not give up critical information, and this pressure results in her giving up said information, I will not destroy the hometown/city/planet anyway. I Gave My Word. Of course, this automatically invalidates if she gave me false info.
466. I will not do Sex Slavery ever. Power is Sexy; there are probably millions of women in my kingdom who will happily jump into bed with me.
467. I WILL leverage any relationships the brooding Anti-Hero on the verge of a Face–Heel Turn is in to my advantage, especially if they are part of a monastic order that forbids romance/marriage.
468. My base of operations will be a nondescript average-sized building with no visual displays of any sort. Rest assured, a legitimate business where you rent out your quarters will not hesitate to rat you out if The Hero and his pals come knocking.
469. I will train My Dragon to snap me out of a temper tantrum.
470. Following up on Rule #189, if through some method, I have obtained a second-in-command and/or other allies by manufacturing a tragedy that caused them to join me, I will never ever reveal to them that I was the one behind it, no matter how loyal I think they now are. That is just a free Heel–Face Turn waiting to happen.
471. I will never ever tell destructive weapons to converge on my position. This is particularly true if (A) the units destroy based on certain criteria, no matter what, or (B) the units are just forces of destruction that destroy everything, no matter what. Even if the hero is at my location, I will not say this: anything can happen in the time between my summons and the time the units arrive. Circumstances may occur such that I, or something in/on/around me that I don't know about/can't immediately remove/can't reach, wind up fitting the profile of my weapons' target, and if I state my position, I've guaranteed that my own weapons will chase me down wherever I go. Instead I will summon them to a fixed position that I know I can flee in an emergency, that isn't dependent on where I am.
472. My planetary-destruction weapon can be tested just as well by firing it at a desolated, uninhabited planet.
473. If La Résistance is on the verge of overthrowing me, I will not break out the nukes/planetary bombardment/Death Stars/whathaveyou. Chances are, if they've gotten that far, the populace probably supports them and breaking out the aforementioned weapons would only increase that support. I will instead try to negotiate a deal whereby I am allowed to live in relatively affluent exile, or just flee the kingdom.
474. I will NEVER personally supervise any high-profile construction, especially if it's for military purposes. I prefer NOT to give La Résistance excellent chances to kill me, thanks.
475. I will not forbid any school, camp, campaign, or community organization under my jurisdiction to ever have a public show. Good PR is not always overrated.
476. Under NO circumstances will I hotwire – or encourage anyone else to hotwire – any musical instrument for the express purpose of disposing of The Hero. Murphy's Law, Finagle's Law, neither play favorites.
477. I will ALWAYS have no less than 3 Outside Context Problems to get the call on speed dial whenever necessary.
478. If the hero has a very strong compulsion to never take a life, then I will take full advantage of it. Though of course, you never know when a Technially Pacifist Hero will snap and make an exception for me.
479. Considering how it usually turns out, I will not waste any time when I encounter the hero. I will immediately try to kill him on sight without delay; I will not take him prisoner, nor have any conversation, nor will I use any slow means of killing him.
480. If I ever decide that retreat is a good option, I will attempt to salvage as many high ranking officials and appropriate mook squadrons with me. This ensures that I will not look like a jerkass to my minions and that I might legitimately care about their well being. Boosts morale, even while we're all running away.
481. Related to Rule 44: Before hiring any Bounty Hunters, I will make absolutely sure that no one within in my own ranks has the skills to carry out the same task. Hired Guns run the risk of being paid to turn against me if The Hero can offer them more money than I can.
482. An accountant and/or purser is never a bad idea.
483. Instead of attempting to take over the world starting with highly developed countries, I will start my world conquest in Southern Asia and Africa (or whatever Universe I happen to be stuck in's equivalent to a third-world country)
484. I will consider all rules and vows carefully, but will treat them only as guidelines, not absolute laws. If fiction has taught me anything, an inflexible evil overlord is a dead evil overlord.
485. I will never wear a cape. If I do decide to wear a cape, it will be tied on in such a way that it comes off when pulled. This will allow me to look cool without worrying about it being used to catch me or strangle me. Heck, it might even distract the hero when he pulls on my cape while I escape and he is left with the cape.
486. I will avoid wearing a mask if at all feasible unless it makes me more powerful or if I need to hide either my identity or a disfigurement. However, in the latter case, I will do this only if it is a legitimately gruesome disfigurement, and not just a few scratches on one cheek.
487. If I need to hide my identity with a mask, then that mask will, through either technology or magic (or both), at the very least change my voice. Other functions should include a breath mask and protection from bullets.
488. If I must wear a mask, I will try to make it something that is not sinister in some manner. Things such as skulls, demons, etc. tend to unsettle subordinates, lower morale and make myself a more obvious target for assassination attempts. If I absolutely must wear such a mask for whatever reason, I will require all my minions to wear the same mask to confuse said possible assassin.
489. No leather dress/catsuits with an insane amount of cleavage. It will confuse the hero if the villainess is demurely dressed. If she really wants to dress like that, fine, but I'll advise against it.
490. I will design the most Stripperiffic costume possible, and give it to my lowest ranked minions. Increases in rank will bring attendant changes in uniform to something less revealing and more practical. In addition to screwing with the hero's expectations, this will give the minions something to work for, and it's good to have ambitious minions.
491. Whist on the subject of my appearance, I will not look like Cesare from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. It never helps.
492. If I ever find myself in a situation where I'm likely to cross the Moral Event Horizon, I will ensure that there are no witnesses or recordings of my involvement. My publicity ratings are important, and if I lose the support of my audience, I'm screwed.
493. I will carefully observe the workings of the world and determine its position on the Sliding Scale of Idealism Versus Cynicism. That way, I will know how far I can go with my evil plots before losing the sympathy of the fanbase.
494. If it is necessary to deal with an enemy, PR be damned, I will first consult my advisers to make sure that it is absolutely necessary. It's important to keep both mine and my enemy's abilities in perspective.
495. No matter how tempting, I will not employ time-travel in any of my evil schemes. It always ends poorly. Or begins poorly. It's hard to tell with time-travel.
496. If I DO have to time travel, and the time machine itself must remain in the present, I will not leave the device where the rebels can capture it, and use it to send back in time the man who will not only thwart my scheme, but also father the current rebel leader.
497. If Future Me shows up and tries to convince me that I need to go time traveling with him in order to save the universe from a monster who is Eviler Than Me, then I will shoot him. If he really was me from the future then he would have known better than to try to reason with a super villain.
498. If I need Past Me to go time traveling with me in order to save the universe from a monster who is Eviler Than Us, I will bring a tranquilizer gun to make sure Past Me doesn't shoot me for trying to reason with a super villain.
499. If I obtain access to a Time Travel Machine, I will just cut out the Hero entirely, go further into the past and set up a tidy little Kingdom using my Sufficiently Advanced Technology. The mudgrubbing peons will grovel, I will usher in a new age of prosperity with my Evil Science/Magic, and most importantly, prove to be an inspiration to my subjectively Past Self (to whom I shall will the whole of my vast fortune). And I'll still bring the Tranquilizer Gun, just to be safe.
500. If Finagle's Law has made an appearance at any point, then should I come across a time machine, I will torch it immediately and the author be damned.