Funny: The Wheel of Time
Book 1, The Eye of the World:
- Mat's Establishing Character Moment. In the very beginning of the book, he tells his younger sisters some story about ghost hounds. They don't buy it. So, to scare them, he takes the dogs of the very large (but good-humored) village blacksmith and his equally large (ill-tempered) wife, coats them with flour, and lets them loose. Mat's response when the predictable happens? "How was I to know they'd run home?" He spends the rest of the time in the village avoiding the wife.
- Rand getting caught still shouting after the rest of the crowd watching Padan Fain has quieted down.
- Rand's difficulties with the Fal Dara servants, especially the maids trying to see him naked.
- Perrin, in order to get away from Leane, picks her up, moves her aside like a potted plant, and then leaves.
- Verin interrupting the reveal to Rand that he's the Dragon Reborn to quibble over a figure of speech.
- Rand's efforts to avoid getting mixed up in the political games of Cairhien, which just result in everyone becoming terrified that he's an extremely savvy player who keeps all his cards hidden and has friends in very high places.
- Min warns Perrin to run if he sees "the most beautiful woman in the world." Perrin immediately assumes it's because Min wants him for herself.
- Several Aes Sedai grabbing the opportunity to feel up Galad after Mat wins a sparring match with him and Gawyn.
- Moiraine, in a surprisingly catty moment, tells Lan when they are leaving the Mountains of Mist to chase after Rand, and she thinks he isn't moving them fast enough, that she should "send him to Myrelle before he gets too old" (she had earlier arranged to have his bond pass to Myrelle if anything happened to her, so Lan wouldn't go into berserker-Warder rage and get himself killed; Myrelle is a Green known for seducing and even marrying her Warders). Then later when they are on the boat to Illian and Lan is amused by the Cold War going on between Faile and Moiraine, the latter asks him if he found something funny.
Lan: I would never laugh at you, Moiraine Sedai, but if you truly intend to send me to Myrelle, I must become used to smiling. I hear that Myrelle tells her Warders jokes. Gaidin must smile at their bond-holder's quips; you have often given me quips to laugh at, have you not? Perhaps you would rather I stay with you after all.
- In Illian, after Moiraine has discovered Lord Brend is Sammael and he has sent Darkhounds after them (but someone else is sending Gray Men), Perrin wonders why the Shadow would be interested in them since "Rand is the bloody Dragon Reborn". He says this in front of the innkeeper and Faile, resulting in the latter being bound to Moiraine's party for good because she knows too much. Moiraine warns Perrin against letting his tongue flap by saying "there are many threads in the Pattern, take care one does not strangle you". Later, after they have fought off the Darkhounds, Perrin again wonders about their pursuers, asking if they are after him or Rand. Moiraine then reveals, again in front of Faile, that Mat is a ''ta'veren'' and has blown the Horn of Valere. Her response (her being a Hunter for the Horn, sworn to find the Horn of Valere)? “He blew it? Someone has found it already?”
- Mat telling the story about The Maidens' Kiss to the guys he's gambling with. He was told to ask the Maidens to play it. When he did, they all grinned and put their spears to his neck like a collar. He was then made to kiss each one. If she liked it, the spears eased up. If not, they press in a little harder. He was there all night to free himself.
- Perrin is getting up after being bedridden to heal up after being shot, Faile doesn't believe he is healed and tries to send him back to bed. She ends up having to wrestle him to the ground and pin him...and then Mistress al'Vere walks in to find Faile lying on top of Perrin on her kitchen floor...
- This is funny enough that Rand cracks up about it in Book 14 when Perrin tells him about it.
- Poor Perrin comes back to Emond's Field to help protect them from trollocs, and accidentally ends up as general/lord of the village, with his elders asking him permission for every little thing, and two men following behind him at all times with a wolf's head banner (made for him by Verin). His irritated internal monologue can be hilarious.
- The entry for the sa'sara dance in the glossary.
sa'sara (sah-SAHR-rah): An indecent Saldaean dance, outlawed by a number of Saldaean queens, but to no avail. Saldaean history records three wars, two rebellions, and countless unions and/or feuds between noble houses, as well as innumerable duels, sparked by women dancing the sa'sara. One rebellion was supposedly quelled when a defeated queen danced it for the victorious general; he married her and restored her throne. This tale is not found in any official history and has been denied by every queen of Saldaea.
- Siuan assigning Min to take over the job of looking for Black Ajah sleeper agents, undercover as a Girly Girl.
- Egwene asks Rand to use saidin to see if she can sense it the way he can sense her using saidar. So he gooses her with air.
- Elayne's drunkenness episode.
- After Rand follows Aviendha through the gateway, a Maiden comes for Rand. Asmodean gets rid of her by informing her that Rand and Aviendha wanted privacy. Inside 15 minutes, ALL the Maidens were outside the window heckling. Apparently, some of the things they suggested could startle one of the most evil men in history! Rand's reaction to this news was also hilarious.
- Nynaeve ordering Uno to rein in his language, and the latter's visibly pained efforts to do so.
Nynaeve: Maybe if you could only swear every other sentence?
- And then he methodically swears precisely that often
- Egwene and Melaine catching Nynaeve admiring herself in a Domani dress in Tel'aran'rhiod.
- Siuan and Leane are unrecognizable after catching up with the renegade Aes Sedai, forcing them to recount all the pranks they pulled as novices before the others are satisfied.
- Elayne's inability to get anyone to believe she's the daughter-heir of Andor when the time comes to drop her disguise, resulting in a scream that's audible through the whole camp.
- Siuan realizing that Gareth Bryne tracked her across half the continent.
- Which he was only able to do because they asked for directions once barely a quarter of the way there.
- Davram Bashere's story about an old general of his who ordered them to cut down a stand of old oak trees because they were looking at him...and then demanding they be given decent funerals.
"Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees?
- The scene in Salidar where Mat makes a complete ass out of himself by trying to boss around Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne, along with claiming not to believe that Egwene is the Amyrlin Seat and making it clear that he expects them to follow his every order. And speaking of asses, Nynaeve's indignant reaction is to kick Mat's so hard that he's still limping several chapters later.
- The funnier bit follows when the girls realise the Power doesn't affect him.
- The Maidens getting completely mystified at Rand's attempt to tell a joke. Being Aiel, they're sure the water plays an important part of getting it.
- One chapter ends with an ominous line about a woman watching Nynaeve. In the next chapter, she dumps a bucket of water on Nynaeve's head as part of her training.
- After Nynaeve discovers how to Heal stilling, all the other Aes Sedai start acting exactly like school kids who have discovered someone can do some weird talent and ask them to do it over and over.
- Nynaeve begging Elayne to kick her so she can see what Egwene is doing with saidar.
- After learning about the Ebou Dar tradition of having a jewel in your dagger for each of your children, Nynaeve and Elayne meet with Egwene in Tel'Aran'Rhiod sporting daggers that indicate they want to each have tons of kids. And they quickly get rid of them once they notice, despite Egwene having no idea what it means.
- The whole "Swovan Night" sequence, in which Mat and Birgitte go out drinking, and Elayne gets drunk by proxy.
- Assuming you can get over the Unfortunate Implications of the whole Mat/Tylin thing, the bit where Mat finally explains to Elayne what's going on...
- When Nynaeve insists that she and Lan get married, Lan offers up a few protests, such as the fact that he's now bonded to Myrelle, who would feel everything he does, including, ahem, the honeymoon. Nynaeve's answer to that? "Is there any way to make sure she knows it's me?" Even Lan thought this was hilarious.
- Nynaeve's barely restrained fury while being forced to apologize to Mat, until she just lunges at him.
- Thom cutting one of his fingers in shock at Elayne and Nynaeve placidly accepting Mat's order to take bodyguards with them.
- Everyone's eye-rolling reaction when Tenobia speaks up in the prologue, followed by musing on her impossible standards for a husband.
- The Sea People's trouble with horses.
- Siuan gets so upset with Egwene that she takes the fish metaphors Up to Eleven, which Egwene instantly deflates by saying Siuan should tell Bryne she's in love with him.
- Elayne is disturbed that Lan is taking undue advantage of his husband's rights with Nynaeve. Nynaeve assures her he's "not really" doing it.
- The whole scene where Lan and Nynaeve witness Rand confess his feelings towards Aviendha, Elayne and Min (and their acceptance of that)
Lan had begun an intense study of the contents of his pipe's bowl.
"You are still beautiful, Rand," she said gently
"Ha!" Min said. "That face would make a goat faint!"
- There's also the part, after Min, Aviendha and Elayne bonding Rand, that Elayne decides that she's going to jump Rand's bones. This leads Brigitte, Min and Aviendha to decide that they need to get very drunk, very quickly as they can feel everything that's going on with Elayne and Rand.
- Mat's new wardrobe, one of the few times you'll be thankful for Jordan's Costume Porn.
- Mat's attempt to find Tuon and Selucia when they get separated from each other. He closes his eyes, spins around, and begins walking in a randomly-selected direction. Right into a VERY large man coming out of a tavern. He begins running in the same direction.
- Tuon's hilariously brusque and emotionless way of (finally) responding to Mat's advances, in front of everyone.
"You may kiss me, Toy."
"Do I remind you of your mother? Or perhaps your sister?"
- As well as her disappointment when he kisses her chastely, because, you know, everyone is watching.
- Mat explaining to Talmanes what it is to reason with a woman in Randland.
Mat: Women are like mules. Wait. No. Goats. Women are like goats.
Talmanes: Pure poetry, Mat.
Mat: It's like . . . Well, reasoning with a woman is like sitting down to a friendly game of dice. Only the woman refuses to acknowledge the basic bloody rules of the game. A man, he'll cheat you - but he'll do it honestly. He'll use loaded dice, so that you think you're losing by chance. And if you aren't clever enough to spot what he's doing, then maybe he deserves to take your coin. And that's that. A woman, though, she'll sit down to that same game and she'll smile, and act like she's going to play. Only when it's her turn to throw, she'll toss a pair of her own dice that are blank on all six sides. Not a single pip showing. She'll inspect the throw, then she'll look up at you and say, 'clearly I just won.' Now, you'll scratch your head and look at the dice. Then you'll look up at her, then down at the dice again 'But there aren't any pips on these dice' you'll say. 'Yes there are,' she'll say. 'And both dice rolled a one.' 'That's exactly the number you need to win,' you'll say. 'What a coincidence,' she'll reply, then begin to scoop up your coins. And you'll sit there, trying to wrap your head 'bout what just happened. And you'll realise something. A pair of ones isn't the winning throw! Not when you threw a six on your turn. That means she needed a pair of twos instead! Excitedly you'll explain what you've discovered. Only then do you know what she'll do?
Talmanes: No idea, Mat.
Mat: Then she'll reach over and rub the blank faces of her dice. And then, with a perfectly straight face, she'll say, 'I'm sorry. There was a spot of dirt on the dice. Clearly you'll see they actually came up as twos!' And she'll believe it. She'll bloody believe it!
Mat: Only that's not the end of it!
Talmanes: I had presumed it wouldn't be Mat.
Mat: She scoops up all of your coins. And then every other woman in the room will come over and congratulate her on throwing that pair of twos! The more you complain, the more those bloody women will join in the argument. You'll be outnumbered in a moment, and each of those women will explain to you how those dice clearly read twos, and how you really need to stop behaving like a child. Every single flaming one of them will see the twos! even the prudish woman who has hated your woman from birth - since your woman's granny stole the other woman's granny's honeycake recipe when they were both maids - that woman will side against you.
Talmanes: They're nefarious creatures indeed.
Mat: By the time they're done, you'll be left with no coin, several lists worth of errands to run and what clothing to wear and a splitting headache. You'll sit there and stare at the table and begin to wonder, just maybe, if those dice didn't read twos after all. If only to preserve what's left of your sanity. That's what it's like to reason with a woman, I tell you.
Talmanes: And you did so. At length.
Mat: You aren't making sport of me, are you?
Talmanes: Why, Mat! You know I'd never do such a thing.
- An increasingly paranoid Mat, culminating in him planning an elaborate raid to find a supposed Darkfriend, with character sheets. The entire chapter was borderline Pratchett.
"I'm tired of walking into traps unprepared. I plan to take command of my own destiny, stop running from problem to problem. It's time to be in charge."
"And you do that with..." Juilin said.
"Elaborate aliases with backstories," Mat said, handing Thom and Noal their sheets. "Bloody right I do."
- Mandevwin's "cover story" about leaving his aged aunt when she began to confuse him with the family dog.
Mandevwin: "Does this mean I can go back to my aged aunt?"
Mat: "You don't have an aged aunt!"
- And a little later:
Mandevwin: "I get to be the Warder next time."
- Pretty much any chapter with Mat in it is hilarious in that book. But Talmanes' deadpan snarking takes the cake.
Mat: I'm not giving up gambling. Or drinking.
Talmanes: So I believe you've told me. Three or four times so far. I half believe that if I were to peek into your tent at night, I'd find you mumbling about it in your sleep. "I'm going to keep bloody gambling! Bloody, bloody gambling and drinking! Where's my bloody drink? Anyone want to gamble for it?"
- "Welcome to Hinderstap. We will eat your bloody face if you stay after dark. Try the pies. They are baked fresh daily."
- Mandevwin's "cover story" about leaving his aged aunt when she began to confuse him with the family dog.
- How about the scene where Cadsuane decides normal torture won't work on Semirhage (a nasty evil person who developed most modern torture techniques) and promptly takes the Forsaken over her knee and spanks her? Made even funnier when Semirhage's POV shows that it was beginning to work.
- Mat's letter to Elayne.
- "Dear Bloody Royal Pain in the Ass..."
- Also, Mat feigning half-literacy for Elayne and Brigitte's benefit. He was trying to write so they would have no doubts, which can be interpreted as Mat just playing up the illiterate sheepherder stereotype.
- "Dear Bloody Royal Pain in the Ass..."
- Also, his fit of smugness after escaping the Tower of Ghenjei, and his conversation with Setalle Anan about boots. And his reaction to Moiraine asking Thom to marry her. And Moiraine's reaction to learning about him and Tuon.
- Perrin performing a marriage ceremony and floundering through it
- "I caught a badger. Want to let it go on the village green?"
- Followed shortly by, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch a badger on short notice?"
- Galad and Berelain's Love at First Sight and subsequent 'courtship', particularly his woefully inept attempt to have tea with her. Particularly when the usually very vampy Berelain starts acting ga-ga over him - "He's like something perfect from the Age of Legends, left behind to worship!"
- Lan repeatedly trying to get various Borderlanders to not join him, and their repeated insistence that they were merely traveling in the same direction as him.
- The whole scene with the Aes Sedai leaving Mat's camp, at the end when Leilwin and Domon decide to leave as well, Mat describes it as wanting to dance a jig in happiness. And he gives Joline a going-away present of sweets he knows she likes...doctored with something that will turn her mouth blue.
- Mat irritably declaring that just because he's married a noble doesn't mean he is one, and Thom pointing out that it actually does.
- After Morgase's freak-out when she learns Gaebril was really Rahvin.
- Rand's reaction to meeting Roedran, when he (like much of the readership) had concluded he was Demandred's secret alter ego finally showing up.
Rand: Light burn me. You're not him, are you?Roedran: Who?Rand: I thought for certain...where are you?
- In the meeting between the forces of the Amyrlin Seat and the Dragon Reborn at the Field of Merrilor, the reactions to Roedran, especially by Egwene. First, she implies that the White Tower had a role in his rise to actual authority in Murandy, which her Warder calls "positively evil", since she had nothing to do with it. When things become more heated, Egwene gives him a Dope Slap with Air without being seen. A few moments later, it happens again, and Perrin notices it is someone else doing so.
Perrin: Nice shot, Grady.
- Moiraine revealing to Rand and Egwene what is really going to happen re: the breaking of the seals.
Moiraine: Do not worry, Egwene. He is not going to break the seals.Rand's face darkened.Egwene smiled.Moiraine: You are going to break them.Egwene: What?
- Also Moiraine's reunion with Rand and Nynaeve, and her comments to Rand as she proceeds to lay out what will happen, whether he likes it or not. In fact everything about her return is this when it isn't a Crowning Moment of Awesome or Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
Rand: You haven't answered my question. (re: how she came back)Moiraine: But I have. It just was not the answer you wanted.Moiraine: Rand, I have some words for you.Rand: Are they words I will like?Moiraine: I suspect not.Rand: I don't like this, Moiraine.Moiraine: Then not much has changed, has it? I believe you have often resisted doing what you are supposed to. Particularly when I am the one to point it out to you.
- While sneaking back into Ebou Dar, Mat plans out an elaborate back story explaining himself, but the guard just sends him through.
Mat considered staying put out of principle. Why would the soldiers force people to wait in such a long line and give them time to think of a cover story, only to not hear it out?
- Aviendha sneaking into the camp at Merrilor, slipping into Elayne's tent, and quietly sitting there to listen and wait for the meeting to conclude, until Elayne suddenly notices she's there. She doesn't understand that she really freaked out everyone around.
- Mat's thought, upon returning to Ebou Dar, regarding how Rand could have saved himself a lot of suffering.
The Rahad had fought off every invasion so far. Light. Rand should have just hidden there, instead of going up to fight the Last Battle. The Trollocs and Darkfriends would have come for him, and the Rahad would have left them all unconscious in an alley, their pockets turned inside out and their shoes sold for soup money.
- Moiraine and Rand talking about how much he had grown... or rather hadn't.
Rand: Perhaps I am still a youth, in that all of us are, compared to the timeless age of the Wheel itself. That said, I am one of the oldest people in existence.
Moiraine: Very nice. Does that work on the others?
Rand: *grin* It worked pretty well on Cadsuane.
Moiraine: [...] You may have the memories of a man four centuries old, Rand al'Thor, but that does not make you ancient. [...] Now, if you would be kind, fetch me some tea.
Rand: Yes, Moiraine Sedai. *goes to do so, then stops, realizing what just happened* beat
Moiraine: Merely seeing if that still worked.
Rand: *like a little kid* I never fetched you tea.
- And he does make it for her. The punchline is her internal comment that the only way to get really good tea anymore (with everything spoiling) was to get it made by Rand.
- Also in Ebou Dar, Mat and Rand finally see each other after ten books and the conversation quickly escalates, despite Rand being a prisoner at the time.
Mat: What did you do to your hand, by the way?Rand: What did you do to your eyes?Rand: Lost it capturing one of the Forsaken.Mat: Capturing? You're growing soft.Rand: Tell me you've done better.Mat: I killed a gholam.Rand: I freed Illian from Sammael.Mat: I married the Empress of the Seanchan.Rand: Mat, are you really trying to get into a bragging contest with the Dragon Reborn? beat Besides, I cleansed saidin. I win.Mat: Ah, that's not really worth much.Mat: (walking away a short time later) By the way, I saved Moiraine. Chew on that as you try to decide which of the two of us is winning.
- The entire scene with the Seanchan fashion designer coming up with an "appropriate" outfit for Mat, culminating with him finally admitting to himself that yes, he was a bloody noble.
- Although it's extremely bad news for the forces of the light, Mat has a wonderfully deadpan reaction:
Mat: Huh. Gareth Bryne is a Darkfriend.
- At one point during the Last Battle, Pevara, using their Psychic Link, sends a stern disapproval and implication of talking in the near future to Androl. Androl is, rather than angry, impressed that she managed to give him a Death Glare mentally without even looking at him.
- The way that Androl gets the seals back from Taim. He sneaks into Taim's camp disguised as one of his lackeys only for Taim to immediately pick him out and ask him why he is there, he starts to explain that he had followed 'Androl', Taim shouts that he does not care about that one and hits him with a painful weave, Androl stumbles into him as he recovers (swiping the seals). Taim then hits him with another weave, this time to disguise him so he can get close to and kill Logain.
Androl: "You're... making me look like Androl,"
- Mat's hilarious use of the undead villagers of Hinderstap in the Last Battle. The denizens of Hinderstap are cursed by the Dark One to continuously slay each other and be reborn in their village every day... so he talks the entire village into being easily slaughtered in one of his weaker fronts... only to have an Asha'man open a gateway to their village while they're in their berserker phase, right into the division of soldiers that had consolidated themselves after slaughtering them. The division of soldiers, including three Dreadlords, are caught completely flatfooted at this, thinking their own Dark Lord of the Grave has turned on them, and are promptly slain to the last man by a bunch of villagers armed with carving knives and tools. Arming a small village just to have them break apart against trained soldiers? A few hundred marks worth of weaponry. Sending the curse of the Dark One against his own Darkfriends, turning the tide of the Last Battle in the process? Priceless.
- Moghedien's fate, forced into being a damane. AGAIN!.
- She even shouts "Not again!" when it happens.
- Similarly, Greandal's fate, having her own weave of compulsion knocked back at her by an exploding gateway, becoming Aviendha's adoring slave.
- The entirety of Androl and Pevara's relationship is this crossed with Crowning Moment of Heartwarming.
- The moment after Birgitte has just been called back by the Horn of Valere after Mellar killed her and she and Elayne are arguing about the Queen going into battle to show her troops she's not dead:
Birgitte: "Stubborn fool..."Elayne: "I'm not the one who just refused to stay dead."
- Mat has a talk with Egwene about how everyone but him misremembers the old days:
"I rode across the entire bloody continent, didn’t I? Burn me, first Rand, then you. Is everybody going to chivvy me about those days? Gawyn, you want a turn?”“Yes, please.”"Shut up."
- After Mat realizes that the Shadow could've easily learned the army's plans at any point during their week-long planning session, he immediately discards it and formulates a new one. When Elayne asks him what the new plan is and he doesn't respond:
Elayne: *weakly* "You're going to keep it in your head. You're going to lead the battle, and none of us are going to know what in the Light you're planning, are we? Otherwise, someone might overhear, and the news would travel to the Shadow."*Mat nods*Elayne: "Creator shelter us."Mat: *scowls* "You know, that's what Tuon said."
- "The Dark One's Dictionary, a parodic work a la Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. Very outdated but still funny.
Five Powers: Fire, Earth, Air (Wind), Water, and Spirit; the fundamental elements of the One Power. Fire burns Spirit, Spirit scatters Wind, Wind blows Water, Water erodes Earth, and Earth smothers Fire. There was a saying among male Aes Sedai during the Age of Legends: "There is no river that enough earth couldn't dam or enough fire evaporate, nor is there a wind so strong that an earthen wall cannot deflect or a hot enough fire fend off its chill." Any equivalent saying among women is irrelevant.
- The Wheel of Time Drinking Game. Do not attempt.