From The Thick of It proper:
- Any time we get to witness Malcolm's Girly Run.
- Malcolm trying to gauge Hugh's pop culture awareness:
- Malcolm's cake iced with "Happy Birthday C*nt", and the serious way he muses, "This could be from anyone." It's from the Prime Minister.
- The scene when Malcolm interrupts Hugh's interview with Angela Heaney in the (supposedly) soundproofed office and takes him outside for a bollocking. Terri walks in and calmly asks Angela if she wants tea and biscuits, while Malcolm's torrent of abuse can be heard in the background.
- Immediately beforehand, there's the sight of him running down the street as fast as his legs will carry him as he makes his way over there.
- Malcolm's response to being asked not to swear is hysterical:
Malcolm: I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE GAY SHITE! Fuck off!"
- The unnamed "piss woman" who plagues Hugh and Glenn during the factory visit. To wit, Hugh gets out of the car, says hello to the workers, and is suddenly confronted by an angry woman asking him "Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss?". And she will not go away.
Glenn: CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP... for one fucking minute? I'm asking nicely.
- Eventually, Glenn has enough.
- Ollie's visible glee while Malcolm is bollocking Phil: "You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg while whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, alright?
- And then Phil walks off looking like he might genuinely have soiled himself.
- Three words: Catastrophic. Erectile. Dysfunction.
- The food fight that ensues when Jamie discovers Julius has been leaking information.
Jamie: You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shitter!
Jamie: EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE!
- S02E06, the Diary Fiasco and Hugh lying to a Select Committee:
Hugh: Well, I lied to the Select Committee. It's like lying to the House.
Malcolm: Yeah, I know, but if she doesn't know then it doesn't matter, Hugh.
Terri: "Excuse me, but I really can't be fielding calls right now. I have got a lot of lines to learn. It's Claire Ballentine's office—they want departmental diaries from the last twelve weeks.
Malcolm: Hugh, go and get Ollie and Glenn in here! This is really serious. You have lied to a Select Committee.
Hugh: I told you that!
Malcolm: But that's like lying to the House!
Hugh: That's what I said.
Malcolm: Yeah, but they're on to you!
- Nicola making a break for the Fourth Sector launch that Ben is bombing, and Malcolm girly-running after her screaming at the top of his lungs.
Malcolm: NICOLA, NO!
- Glenn's frustration upon being presented with four boxes' worth of crime statistics to be published, having already already fed a huge pile of stats into the system.
Glenn: What the hell's this?Ollie: It appears to be a trolley full of crime stats.Glenn: Vandalism. Bicycle theft. Oh, this is ridiculous! [kicks over two of the boxes]Ollie: Well that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures.
- The entirety of the 'Quiet Bat People' debacle in the second episode of Series 4.
- Particularly as, in the scene where Olly finds Malcolm in the cafe, the magazine under Olly's arm has a picture of Batman and "The Dark Knight Rises" on the cover.
- And in the first episode, Peter Mannion's press conference about App-Britain. Cringe Comedy at its finest.
- Malcolm forming an analogy from a popular film franchise:
Malcolm: What's that film you love?
-Ollie: What film?
Malcolm: The one about the hairdresser. The space hairdresser and the cowboy... The guy's, he's got a tinfoil pal and a pedalbin... his father's a robot and he's fucking fucked his sister... Lego, they're all made of fucking Lego.
Ollie: ...Star Wars?
Malcolm: That's the one!
- The way Ollie praises Ben ("Ben Swain, Benny, Big Ben, The Prodigal Swain, Bentally ill, Ben Kenobi, Ben Laden") when Ben is probably the dullest man alive.
- Regarding the almost empty press conference in 4.05: "Is that it? It looks like a paedophile's funeral!"
- "EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE. EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON!"
- Malcolm's telling Ben Swain off, ripping a keyboard from a desk for him to play with, and screaming at him to stand in a corner in a manner akin to overly enraged school teacher.
- In 3.03, Malcolm interrupts himself in mid-rant to Glenn to comment in astonishment on the tiny hotel room kettle that Glenn is holding.
- When Peter is asked for a comment on the NHS worker's protest.
Peter: "As we enter the third week, I find Mr Tickel's attention seeking tent based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two."
- Peter Mannion's endless disdain for Stuart:
Peter: I'd like to use his mouth as an ashtray — it doesn't mean I'd actually do it.
Peter: Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit.
- Peter's dismissal of Stuart's interjections mid-series 4, delivered in the way only Roger Allam can;
- When Mary Drake eventually announces to Stuart that the PM wants him out, Peter's reaction says it all.
- Peter Mannion's disdain for children:
Peter: I hate school children. They're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
- Malcolm's fury in 3.05 during the debate between Nicola and Peter Mannion—after it's pointed out that Mannion's party has been dealing with a shady sweatshop company, it is pointed out in a text from a listener called Tim in Ruislip that the sweatshop in fact donates twice as much to Nicola's side.
Malcolm: You're fucking dead. And those three little words, "Tim in Ruislip", are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. Tim. In. Ruislip! Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim, in—
Janice: Can you stop FUCKING saying that please!?
Malcolm: —FUCKING Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward! Give me his number. What's his fucking number?! Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip! If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm going to have to do? I'm gonna have to go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger of every single person I see, who I think resembles the find of wanker that walks around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking TIM.
- In 4.06 Robyn recognises Baroness Sureka as having been in the papers. The Baroness is absent for the next hearing.
- Baroness Sureka reading out the jokes made about Mr. Tickel.
Sureka: How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? Lithium.
- In 4.03, Fergus and Adam end up buying a bank with tax-payer money out of social embarrassment.
Peter: I sometimes buy The Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank!
From Rise of the Nutters:
- Ben Swain's Newsnight interview.
- "The cameramen are laughing."
- Jamie attempting to prep Ben for the aforementioned interview.
Jamie: Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? Immigration is in disarray. Now what are you going to do about it?Ben: Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in disarray...Jamie: OH, ANSWER THE QUESTION, YOU FAT FUCK!
- Jamie sitting next to Nicholson in the meeting and spending the next five minutes fellating his pen for Malcolm's amusement.
- Pearson making Peter Mannion try on a suit and the horror that is Peter's un-tucked shirt.
- Never mock Al Jolson in front of Jamie. Ever.
- "You take the piss out of Jolson again, I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock! Then I'll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing *your* balls.
From The Missing DoSAC Files:
- The picture from Jamie's "Summer of Shame".
- And the emails from Malcolm making fun of him for it.
- Ollie's smear campaign against Peter Mannion, which is so piss-poor that Malcolm asks Mannion himself for some contributions. Responses include "Got pissed with Black Rod and took a slash on the Queen's tiara (not a euphemism)".
- Malcolm soliciting a hack to write a self-insert thriller called Ticker Time. The sample the man sends him.
- "Tucker took in the pleading eyes of the PM. He scanned the room. He wasn't one for mucking about. Ever. His big brain made the decision in superfast time and before he knew it his lips were saying the words he knew they were going to say."
- And Malcolm's reply, scribbled on the manuscript while apparently drunk: "We need to feel Mike's pain more. He should drill the druggie with regret. With a noble sadness for the greater good of the people. Remember, later on we're going to find out the drug head was working for the CIA and Mike has his Hour of Darkness."
- "This is all fine, up to a point. Not as good as what I said, but it'll do. But I reckon it needs something arty up top. Something about a cloud? Cloud's look like—butter? Or sheep? 'The clouds that morning looked like buttery sheep and Mike had a bone-on like a yew tree.'"
- And Malcolm's reply while sober: "Robbie you're fired. I've read this all back sober and it's fucking pish. You never wrote as good as I talked. Goodbye, forever. M"
- The photo spread featuring Malcolm shooting lasers from his eyes and his head 'shopped on the body of James Bond, and the "10 Facts About Malcolm Tucker", are both hilarious and practically Memetic Badass ascended.
- Malcolm's (obviously) obscenity-laden responses to various emails that annoy him, and his PA's subsequent cleaned versions.
- Even better, when one of his profane emails is given a lookover, his PA replies "Seems fine to me".
- The end of the book, with Malcolm being blackmailed with the titular missing files by the mysterious 'Paul.' Within a few days 'Paul' has been found, set up, arrested, and later convicted for "gross indecency" mainly focusing on doing disgusting things with lost property. Don't fuck with Tuck...er.
- Malcolm describing Adam Boulton as a "male Sandi Toksvig with a glandular complaint".
From The Webisodes:
- Ollie's merciless yet hilarious verbal abuse of Glenn.
Nicola: Should I have read the...you know... (pantomimes the official Whitehall document box that theoretically contains important governmental information)
Ollie: Oh, those. No, don't worry. They're purely ornamental, much like Glenn's balls.
Glenn: You don't hang around in this business for as long as I have without making a few contacts.
Ollie: Yes, Glenn, but Disraeli is dead. He died in the Crimea. Did you not hear the town crier announce it?