- ANYTHING said by the Commentators Howard and Kreese... Which is to say 99% of the game.
Howard: Well, DUH! It's a mathematical fact that there can only be one number one!Both: (singing) III BLAAAME OOOUR SCHOOOOOLS!
- "Jack is ramming himself against Kojack!" "So basically, Jack is ramming himself against himself. We are watching the most violent masturbation ever!" "(Chuckles) This is nothing..."
- "More proof that there's nothing a liberal dose of pharmaceuticals won't fix! This message is brought to you by drugs. Drugs: take them often and indiscriminately!"
- "Kojack is just evil Jack, and evil makes everything BETTER!"
- Although Jack is a little TOO straight-laced to really match the zaniness of Howard, Kreese, or the Baron, his sheer Deadpan Snarkiness more than makes up for it: for example, in the opening cutscene of level two, after Agent XIII demanded to know where Jack ran off to:
Jack: (Riding up on his motorcycle) So... this is the strip. Think I have enough time for a lap-dance?
- And at the start of the Casino Land level:
- A sample conversation from the announcers:
Howard: It's my favorite time of day again!Kreese: Ooh, time to huff some paint?Howard: No.Kreese: Time to take a dump?Howard: No.Kreese: Well then I give up, what time is it?Howard: Time for another Bloodbath Challenge!Kreese: Whatever - if you need me, I'll be taking a dump while huffing some paint...Howard: So predictable.
- Another conversation from the announcers.
Howard: Awesome rack on her though! ExplanationKreese: Aw, true that!
- In the introduction for the Maitenance Facility stage:
Howard: Information about this area is limited, since anyone whose ever known about this place has either disappeared or been lobotomized. Judging by your comments throughout the course of this event, I'd have to guess the latter in your case, Kreese.
Kreese: Fuck you! (beat) ...but yeah, that would kinda explain a lot of things: the blurred vision, the metal plate in my head, the mysterious foreign object up my ass-
Howard: Oh, the last one's mine. Be sure to rinse that off when you're done.
Kreese: [dry heave]
- In the Asiantown stage, whenever Jack rescues one of the geishas, she runs up and plants a Smooch of Victory on his lips. Jack being Jack, his only reaction is to essay a small wave as she runs off, as if to say, "Oh. Hey. Sup. You're welcome."
- The introduction to the Dungeon:
Howard: Callously carved cadavers, violent vivisections and just plain crazy science gone wrong!Kreese: SCIENCE!Howard: That's what's behind the blood-splattered walls of the castle's monsterous laboratory. Anyone dumb enough to wander into this basement butcher shop unprepared is likely to wind up with an electrode up his ass and six pig tits grafted to his back!Kreese: Seven.Howard: Huh?Kreese: Seven pig tits. They sewed one on my stomach too.Howard: Dude, awesome! (silently) Can I touch it?Kreese: Go ahead.