- ANYTHING said by the Commentators Howard and Kreese... Which is to say 99% of the game.
Howard: It's my favorite time of day again!
Kreese: Ooh, time to huff some paint?
Kreese: Time to take a dump?
Kreese: Well then I give up, what time is it?
Howard: Time for another Bloodbath Challenge!
Kreese: Whatever - if you need me, I'll be taking a dump while huffing some paint...
Howard: So predictable.
Kreese: NOOOOO!!! This is horrible!Howard: I know you were rooting for Kojack but this is ridiculous.Kreese: Fuck Kojack! He said if he won I could have his bike... I figured if he got killed, I could take his bike from him anyway. I couldn't lose... NOW I HAVE NOTHING!!!
- "Jack is ramming himself against Kojack!" "So basically, Jack is ramming himself against himself. We are watching the most violent masturbation ever!" "(Chuckles) This is nothing..."
- "More proof that there's nothing a liberal dose of pharmaceuticals won't fix! This message is brought to you by drugs. Drugs: take them often and indiscriminately!"
- "Kojack is just evil Jack, and evil makes everything BETTER!"
- Speaking of Kojack, this dialog can play after you do the QTE to beat him By tossing his bike at him, causing it and Kojack to blow up.
- Just as the Final Boss is ready to be fought:
- Although Jack is a little TOO straight-laced to really match the zaniness of Howard, Kreese, or the Baron, his sheer Deadpan Snarkiness more than makes up for it: for example, in the opening cutscene of level two, after Agent XIII demanded to know where Jack ran off to:
Jack: (Riding up on his motorcycle) So... this is the strip. Think I have enough time for a lap-dance?
- And at the start of the Casino Land level:
- The lead-in banter for Elise gives us this great banter, with an inherently memetic phrase to boot:
Kreese: I fought her in the east block games and lost the match; four pints of plasma, and I was declared legally dead for a week!
Howard: Awesome rack on her, though!
Kreese: Ah, true that! While you're blinded by her headlights, she'll sic a swarm of bastard bats on you to mess up your shit! Plus, the fuckers have fleas!
Howard: Awesome rack on her, though!
Kreese: True that!
- In the introduction for the Maintenance Facility stage:
Howard: Information about this area is limited, since anyone whose ever known about this place has either disappeared or been lobotomized. Judging by your comments throughout the course of this event, I'd have to guess the latter in your case, Kreese.
Kreese: Fuck you! (beat) ...but yeah, that would kinda explain a lot of things: the blurred vision, the metal plate in my head, the mysterious foreign object up my ass-
Howard: Oh, the last one's mine. Be sure to rinse that off when you're done.
Kreese: [dry heave]
- In the Asiantown stage, whenever Jack rescues one of the geishas, she runs up and plants a Smooch of Victory on his lips. Jack being Jack, his only reaction is to essay a small wave as she runs off, as if to say, "Oh. Hey. Sup. You're welcome."
- The introduction to the Dungeon:
Howard: Callously carved cadavers, violent vivisections and just plain crazy science gone wrong!Kreese: SCIENCE!Howard: That's what's behind the blood-splattered walls of the castle's monsterous laboratory. Anyone dumb enough to wander into this basement butcher shop unprepared is likely to wind up with an electrode up his ass and six pig tits grafted to his back!Kreese: Seven.Howard: Huh?Kreese: Seven pig tits. They sewed one on my stomach too.Howard: Dude, awesome! (silently) Can I touch it?Kreese: Go ahead.
- The first section of the credits sequence has Howard and Kreese riff on the game's developers, providing some of their funniest banter in the entire game:
Howard: They say programmers speak the language of computers because nobody else will speak to them!
Kreese: I didn't know you were a programmer.
Howard: (to Lead Character Designer) Hey, I know that guy from my "How to Draw For Slow Learners" class!
Kreese: I didn't have good enough grades to get into that class.
Howard: Animators are the guys who bring the action to life!
Kreese: I think you mean they're the guys who get no action their whole life.
Howard: Yeah, what did I say?
Kreese: (to Additional Writing) Hey look at this, the spell-checker gets a credit too.
Kreese: (to Storyboard Artist) This guy's storyboards remind me of the work of a famous artist.
Howard: A classic or modern artist?
Kreese: Nah, I was thinking of that gorilla at the zoo who draws pictures with his own shit?
Howard: This guy's not that good.